Why dating apps dont work - amusing
Why dating apps aren’t working for you
and can be disappointing, but they don’t have to put you off for good
Smartphones have forever changed the way singles meet and interact. But despite the convenience that offer, a growing number of users have been swearing off them in favour of more conventional approaches. If you happen to find yourself among the latter, don’t lose heart just yet. “The term ‘dating’, in general, has always been regarded with some degree of suspicion,” says dating guru Varun Mannava. “In India, the minute you say you’re going out on a date, it’s bound to elicit knowing smiles from your friends or family. This skewed perception of dating also spills over into our experiences with dating apps. What most people fail to realise is that dating is just the process of meeting someone new, not to explicitly marry or have sex with them, but to know more about them,” says Mannava. Checking your expectations can, therefore, play a major role in determining the quality of your online dating experiences, adds relationship counsellor Aman Bhonsle. The experts tell you how to negotiate some common issues that keep people from taking advantage of dating apps.
► Not for the long-haul
“Most of the people I’ve met online balk at the idea of pursuing a long-term, committed relationship with someone they meet online — the implicit understanding is that online dating is only for flings and hookups. This makes dating apps quite unsuitable for users like me who are more serious about our expectations from a relationship,” shares 29-year-old public relations professional Tanushree Kulkarni.
Expert speak:The problem, says Bhonsle, lies in going into the dating scene with a predetermined idea of what you want the outcome to be. “Think about it: If you were to meet a person through common friends or other real-world channels, you wouldn’t demand to know whether or not the person was ready for long-term commitment right away, so why should this change when people meet people online? At the same time, it’s important to know that all relationships that last — whether romantic or otherwise — are built on a strong foundation of friendship. When you swipe right on someone on a dating app, it only sets the stage for getting to know that person a little better. Keeping this in mind can greatly offset any disappointment,” he says. Instead of focusing on the duration of the or relationship, Mannava recommends that you use this avenue to work on your social and networking skills. This, he says, will make the entire experience productive, and shift the focus away from whatever the ultimate outcome may be.
► Looks are everything
Marketing professional Sami Sayyed, 28, says: “I find it quite perturbing how important a role your appearance plays on a dating app. I’ve found that just because my appearance conforms with certain societal standards of attractiveness, the messages I receive from potential matches are largely superficial. In that, they tend to revolve almost entirely on how I look in the photo I’ve put up. While the attention is flattering at first, after the first few matches, the novelty tends to wear thin. Instead, I find myself craving for more meaningful interactions, such as where the other person might take more of an interest in what my personality is, or what my belief systems are, rather than merely making assumptions based on my appearance alone.”
Expert speak: A dating app is so-designed that it allows you to advertise yourself to potential partners, says Bhonsle. “When you are advertising yourself, you are obviously going to try to make the most compelling pitch that only showcases the best parts of you, or what you believe will catch the fancy of potential partners. If your profile is too heavily-dominated only with photos that showcase your aesthetics, the responses you elicit are also likely to veer in that direction. Spend some time focusing on things that really matter to you — use the photos to create your own narrative and tell your story — and you may elicit different reactions,” he says.
► 0 to 100 in a heartbeat
“I am rather disconcerted by how rapidly relationships emerge, evolve and deteriorate on dating apps,” says Ritesh Uttamchandani, 37, a freelance photojournalist. “There’s almost a template that one is expected to follow. For instance, beginning a conversation with a simple ‘Hi’ immediately places you in a ‘not cool or creative enough’ category with many people. There’s also a false sense of intimacy that develops when you spend so much time chatting with someone online. While you’d expect to spend some time and effort getting to know someone over a few dates before inviting them to your place, for instance, when it comes to online dating, the pace is much more rushed and even feels frantic, in many ways. Conversely, many of the relationships that blossom prematurely also fade away just as quickly. Many of my friends, for instance, have begun to replicate in real life the behaviours that are synonymous with online dating, such as being flaky, or ‘ghosting’, which refers to ending a relationship suddenly, without explanation, and ending all communication. This is quite a departure from their usual personalities of these people, at least what I know of them,” he says.
Expert speak: “To put it succinctly, online dating is little more than shopping for a partner online. But it has some screening mechanisms to make the experience more pleasant and, if you’re lucky, you’ll find someone that you find interesting right off the bat. It’s important to remember that this frenetic pace is not limited to online dating alone — there’s a reason why fast food and online shopping are as popular as they are today. Understand that, intrinsically, these apps are popular because people are pressed for time. You can, however, choose to stagger your interactions, and conduct them at a pace you are more comfortable with. Focus on matches who share your mindset. Spend some time swiping right on profiles that truly resonate with you and seem to be a good fit with you — the person you are and what you stand for,” says Bhonsle, adding this note of caution: “Those who think they are ‘above’ spending time on filling out their dating profiles are also more likely to bring that sense of entitlement into a relationship.”
► Mismatches galore
Ariindam Chakraborty claims to be put off by the lifestyle endorsed by the people he comes across on dating apps. “I’ve repeatedly found that most people on these apps are struggling with stressful jobs or no jobs at all, that many are addicted to tobacco or alcohol, enjoy partying a tad too much, or are full of negativity and low self-esteem. I’ve never found like-minded people — anyone who has the same goals or aspirations as I do. While I understand that this is not necessarily the norm, it’s been frustrating to see that most of the people I seem to match with come with one or more of these issues. And for me, that’s a deal-breaker,” the 34-yearold blogger says.
Expert speak: “We often get so caught up with the other person’s looks, character, profession or habits that we neglect to regard what we are bringing — and, more pertinently, not bringing — to the table,” says Mannava. “It’s important to remember that nobody is perfect, and that includes you. If you find that the person you’re matched with is not what you imagined him/her to be, be appreciative of their honesty in disclosing the same to you. You can then make an informed decision about how you’d want the relationship to progress,” he adds.
► Only fake profiles
Men masquerading as women, catfishing frauds and scamsters — those familiar with dating apps are no stranger to these, and this can prove to be a major deterrent, especially if you’re new to the online dating scene.
Expert speak:“While there are no safeguards, you must be mindful and vigilant when keeping an eye out for fake profiles. Mannava points to a few obvious red flags such as pictures of scantily-clad men or women with only a few token words in the description, and interactions that devolve into sexting the minute you say ‘hi’. “The thumb rule is to never let your hormones take control of your interactions. You could also choose apps that have better background checks or levels of security — for instance, choose Bumble over Tinder,” he says.
What to do when dating apps don’t work?
Like anything we give a try, dating apps can sometimes not work. When they do not work, it can be confusing why that is, especially when you might see other people have so much success with them. If you are using dating apps repeatedly with no success, that can be pretty exhausting, and that exhaustion in and of itself can get in the way of them being effective. Therefore, if you feel that exhaustion, it will be important to admit that to yourself and reset with them; your reset can look how you want it to look, but check in with yourself about that exhaustion.
Taking a break from the dating apps when you find that they are not working can be a great way to reset yourself. When you take the break, try to engage in other outlets in your life that are positive and engaging. Having a balance of other outlets in your life, other than dating, can help with the exhaustion of dating because all of your eggs are not in one basket. While you take this break, try to also think about what you are using the apps for. Be honest with yourself about what you are truly wanting, and then also think about if that is the energy you are putting out there. For example, if you are looking for a long-term relationship but continually hooking up with people from dating apps, it could be possible that you are giving off the impression that you do not want to date. If you continue to do that, it will feel exhausting and confusing if you do not admit that you actually just want to hook up.
As dating apps do not work for you, it can be easy to take them personally. Try to remind yourself, though, that everyone is on dating apps for a variety of reasons. Try to be constructive about changing things up to see if you get a different result. Changing to a different app can help and/or change up the information in your profile to see if you get a different result.
Why Online Dating Doesn’t Work For Most Guys (And What To Do About It)
Wondering why online dating doesn’t work for you?
If you're like many guys, it's not for lack of trying. You probably spend countless hours every week clicking through profiles and messaging attractive women on dating sites and apps.
You get a response every now and again, but rarely from anyone you actually want to date.
Even worse, you’ve been ghosted so many times your bros have started calling you Casper.
You’re totally over Tinder and whichever other dating app it was that you tried last week.
Isn’t it just better to hang out in the produce aisle and ask women how to tell if a cantaloupe is ripe? At least then you’re pretty much guaranteed to get some kind of response, right?
Revealed: The Opening Line No Woman Can Resist! [Access Now]
Don’t worry – you’re not alone in your angst. It's not uncommon to feel like dating sites don't work for men.
A full third of guys who try online dating sites and apps never go on a single date.
And that’s despite spending 5.2 hours a week looking at profiles, then another 6.7 hours sending out messages.
That adds up to around 12 hours a week, all in hopes of scoring a date that lasts approx. 1.8 hours.
Modern dating’s not only exhausting – It’s a part-time job!
Why online dating doesn't work for many guys:
- Men tend to outnumber women, so the odds aren't stacked in your favor.
- Matching algorithms aren't very effective.
- You're doing it wrong.
Some combination of those reasons is likely the source of your frustration, so let's take a closer look at each problem.
Problem #1: Tons of men compete for the hottest women.
Most dating sites and apps have more men than women, which means the most attractive women get bombarded with messages. The competition’s absolutely fierce.
Problem #2: It's hard to quantify compatibility.
Matching algorithms don’t workbecause they typically rely on information that’s easily quantifiable online, such as behavioral traits and simple beliefs. But how do you quantify chemistry on a dating site?
You can't.
Face to face interaction is the only way to see if sparks fly between the two of you.
Plus, predicting compatibility in long-term relationships is almost impossible because success is in part determined by how a couple deals with life’s stresses, both big and small.
Problem #3:Trying hard doesn't equal having a strategy.
Odds are excellent if you don't have a game plan firmly in hand, you're probably going about it all wrong. Even the slightest misstep can destroy your chances, and you’re making a number of mistakes.
The hotter a woman is, the more messages she receives – and the pickier she has to become.
She doesn’t have time to talk to everyone, so she’s forced to make split second decisions regarding who’s worthy of her time.
In fact, somestudies have found the average reply rate for women is less than 20%. Which means if she has the slightest reason to eliminate you from the running, she will.
That’s why you can never seem to attract the caliber of women you really want to meet.
So those are your three main problems, and we'll get to the solutions in a minute.
But first, let's make sure you're not committing one of these all-too-common online dating mistakes.
4 Big Online Dating Mistakes (You're Probably Making)
Mistake #1: Not understanding what makes an attractive online dating photo.
Swiping often involves split second decisions.
If your primary photo doesn't immediately connect with her in a positive way, she likely won't bother looking at anything else in your profile before swiping left.
Mistake #2: Turning her off with a cringe-worthy username.
OnPlenty Of Fish (POF), one of the most popular free dating sites, your username is all over the place. Most notably in her search results and in her inbox. If it’s not attractive and enticing, you’re sunk.
Mistake #3: Half-assing your dating profile.
Whether she’s looking for a husband or a hookup, she wants some sort of reassurance you’re taking online dating seriously.
Why would she return a message from a guy who can’t even summon the effort to answer a few basic profile questions?
Mistake #4: Sending her a lame icebreaker.
Attractive women get absolutely bombarded with messages from guys just like you on dating sites and apps.
If you’re sending her the same boring variation of “hi there” as all those other guys, don’t hold your breath for a response.
As Aziz Ansari noted in his book, Modern Romance, men spend way too much time focusing on the “online” part of online dating.
Scrolling through profiles, doggedly churning out message after message to the attractive women they want to date.
The good news is perseverance eventually pays off. The bad news is the average guy has to send out a whopping 114 messages to be guaranteed 1 response.
So in a nutshell:
You have to spend a ton of time messaging women online to even get the chance to start a message exchange that leads to meeting her offline.
But you’re probably committing at *least* one of the above mentioned mistakes so your response rate sucks, requiring you to send out more messages.
Vicious cycle anyone?
It’s no wonder you’re stuck in a perpetual loop of frustration, tedium and loneliness.
Let’s Talk About Solutions…
Basically all a guy like you has to do is instantly grab her attention in a memorable way with both your profile and your messages, then spend the least amount of time possible convincing her to meet you in person.
Hey, we never said it was an easy solution.
Being successful at online dating is the same as being successful at anything – it takes practice and effort. So much effort that a lot of men outsource their online dating.
Think of it this way – if your car needs new brakes, you could watch a YouTube video and then do it yourself.
But you’ve got a guy for that.
Why get your hands dirty when it’s so much quicker and easier to bring in an expert?
Modern dating is no different. A virtual dating assistant does the hard part for you.
The profile writing, the photo selection, the tedious back and forth messaging. Literally all you do is show up for the dates.
So that’s solution #1: Bring in an online dating expert.
For all you DIY’ers out there who don’t mind spending that 12 hours a week on dating sites and apps, solution #2 is this: Minimize the time you spend online while maximizing the number of dates you get.
Here’s how to make that happen in 5 steps. Get ready to take some notes…
How To Make Online Dating Work In 5 Steps
Step #1: Drop Your Line In The Right Pond
If you want to save time and frustration, focus your efforts on the sites and apps that best fit your circumstances.
Here are the dating websites and apps we’ve gotten the best overall results for our clients on here at VIDA:
“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):2
The most popular dating app in the US, Tinder is the go-to choice for the younger set.
If you’re a guy under 25, you should be on it. But you'll find singles in their 30s, 40s and beyond using it as well, so it's worth the download to check out the singles near you.
The majority of users live in larger cities, but since it’s location based it makes sense to try it even if you live in a more remote area.
“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):8
Match.com is one of the most recognizable names in online dating, and it has the huge user base to prove it.
It’s a paid site, but the monthly subscription fee weeds out the fakes and flakes.
Most of the women on it are serious about meeting someone, so it’s a good place to spend your time.
“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):6
Similar to Tinder, Bumble is a swipe-based app.
But it has one unique feature – only women can initiate contact. You’ll need strong photos to get her swiping right.
The dating pool isn’t as large as what you’ll find on Tinder, but Bumble is the second most popular dating app in the US and it attracts high-quality women who are serious about finding a relationship.
“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):9
Hinge is one of the fastest growing apps in Match Group's dating portfolio, and it's squarely aimed at users seeking serious relationships.
It's been around for awhile, and was redesigned a few years back with millennial singles in mind.
But it's a popular dating app with the entire spectrum of ages, and a good app to try in combination with Tinder or Bumble.
“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):6
For all you “quality over quantity” types, CMB is the app for you.
Men get 21 potential matches a day, while women receive a curated group of 5 or so guys who have already swiped right.
It's not as popular as some of the other dating apps on this list, so consider using it in addition to Bumble, Tinder, or Hinge.
“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):5
Plenty Of Fish (POF), is the #1 free dating site out there, so it’s worth a shot just based on the sheer number of users.
But prepare to spend extra time screening profiles – the free sites tend to attract more low quality matches than a paid site like Match.com. There’s diamonds to be found, but you’ve got to put in some work to unearth them.
It's popular with users of all ages.
For more on the best dating sites and apps, according to your age, check out this article.
Do Niche Dating Sites & Apps Work?
You may be lured by the promise of meeting ultra-compatible, like-minded people on niche dating sites likeElite Singles,Christian Mingle orSingle Parent Meet.
While you may find some high-quality matches, keep in mind those sites just aren't as popular as mainstream ones. So you're sifting through a much smaller user pool.
In other words, you may find someone incredible, but it could take a lot longer.
If you do create a dating profile on a niche site, make sure you're simultaneously using a larger, more popular dating platform for the best chances.
Step #2: Make Your Photos As Attractive As Possible
First impressions are everything in online dating. If you don’t put some effort into choosing your strongest online dating photos, your messages are doomed before you even hit “send”.
Attractive photos will get her swiping right, checking out your profile, and responding to your message.
If you’re not the next Bradley Cooper, don’t worry. “Sexy” transcends physical looks.
You just have to know how to hit her attraction triggers.
Radiating confidence is essential, especially in your primary photo. Strong eye contact projects it in spades.
Make sure the rest of your pictures portray all your sexy, desirable, “dateable” traits.
Show her you’ve got the basics of life covered: a roof over your head, presentable clothes, the financial resources to travel and have a social life… you get the idea. Give her a glimpse into your life in a way that makes her eager to spend time with you.
For Dating Photos, More Is Not Better
Depending on which site or app you’re using, you may have the opportunity to upload 20+ pictures.
But just because you can… doesn’t mean you should.
Stick with a range of 3 to 7 photos. It’s hard to give her a good idea of your personality in less than 3, and it’s almost impossible to look equally good in more than 7.
The number of photos you use can have a huge impact on your number of matches on dating apps.
For instance, using at least 3 photos on Tinder will get you 6x more matches than just using 1.
Tinder even has a built in feature calledSmart Photos to help you determine which one should be your primary photo. (But don't use it as a crutch – it doesn't provide any feedback. If all your photos suck, rotating in the one that sucks least won't actually improve your odds of matching with anyone.)
On online dating sites like Match.com and OkCupid, many women limit their search results to only guys with photos, and generally won’t return a message if they don’t know what you look like.
Check out these essential online dating photo tips, and…
Stick to these general dating photo DO's and DON’Ts:
When choosing your dating photos, do:
- Select ones taken with a good quality camera. It will make you look more attractive.
- Include at least one full body photo. You want to see what she looks like from the shoulders down – she’s the same way. Using one in your photo lineup will increase your response rate.
- Only use one group shot, and don't lead with it. Studies have shown they can decrease your response rate, especially if she's guessing who sent the message.
- Get female feedback on your photos. Your bros aren’t your dating prospects – ask women what they think instead.
But don't:
- Point your smartphone at a bathroom mirror, especially if you’re shirtless. In a Match survey, almost 30% of women said mirror selfies were a turn off, and 33% said they wouldn’t date a guy who posted a shirtless selfie.
- Use flash. It tacks 7 years onto your perceived age online.
- Include overtly sexual photos, even on a more casual app like Tinder. The vast majority of women find them distasteful.
- Post pro photos obviously taken in a studio. Pro shots can be a great idea, but if it’s obvious you hired one, she’ll think you’re trying too hard to impress her. Have the photographer meet you at a visually interesting outdoor spot instead.
Step #3: Bring Your Profile A-Game
While nailing your photos is arguably your biggest priority, if you want to reel in the highest quality women, you need a top notch profile.
Different dating sites and apps have varying formats and character lengths. But when it comes to how to write a good dating profile, there are a few golden rules to follow:
#1: Let your confidence shine through.
We talked about it in the photo section, and the same rules apply to your profile.
Research has shown time and again that women are instinctively drawn to certain traits like bravery, intelligence, and a willing to take risks.
Basically, if it would keep you from getting voted off the island on Survivor, she’s going to think it’s hot.
Make sure your profile highlights these kind of personality traits in an attractive way.
#2: Show, don’t tell.
Reciting a laundry list of adjectives in your bio is boring, as is the case with this real profile example:
Boring is the kiss of death in online dating.
Instead of writing something like “I’m adventurous, loyal, funny, and love to travel” show her how you embody those things.
Something like this would work great:
The example above draws her in and makes her want to learn more about you. Plus, it’s loaded with attraction information between the lines as well.
By telling her a story, you’ve also shown her you’re physically fit enough for water sports, brave enough to do them, and financially sound enough for Caribbean trips.
That’s hot.
#3: Don’t make it all about you.
No one wants to date a “me monster,” so don’t make your profile 100% about you.
Shoot for around 70%. That leaves 30% about her, which studies have found to be the most attractive ratio for an online dating profile.
For dating sites like Match and POF where the profiles are typically longer, this 4-paragraph formula creates a winner every time:
- Grab her attention with a compelling story or anecdote.
- Tell her what you do for a living in an interesting way.
- Describe a few of your hobbies, interests, etc.
- Let her know what type of woman you’re looking for.
For everything you need to know about writing profiles for dating sites and apps, check out these examples for guys!
Step #4: Optimize How You Appear In Her Search Results
There are a few places in your online dating profile where bending the truth will maximize your results.
Quick caveat – be honest about the biggies, like whether or not you have kids and what you do for a living. With everything listed below, stick to slight exaggerations only.
Remember the goal is to meet her in real life, and if what you presented online doesn’t match what’s sitting across from her at the table, your date probably won’t end on a high note.
But fudging these facts will get your profile in front of more women:
#1: Your age.
When deciding on their ideal partner’s age range, women tend to think in round numbers – like 30-40.
So if you’re 42, you won’t pop up in her search results.
And if you send her a message, she might automatically dismiss you because in her mind you’re too old. Shave a couple years off, and boom – you’re in.
#2: Your height.
On average, men add about 2” to their height, and a UK study found the taller you are, the more messages you get.
So if you don’t exaggerate your height a tad you’re putting yourself at a major disadvantage. Key word being “a tad”.
If you’re 5’7” in real life and 5’11” online, your 5’8” date is not going to be happy.
#3: Your weight.
81% of online daters lied about their weight online, just like you probably did on your driver’s license.
Just keep the number firmly grounded in reality, and you should be fine.
#4: Your zip code.
This one mostly applies to daters who live in larger cities with multiple zip codes, like New York City.
If you’re in Brooklyn and she’s in Manhattan, she might rule you out because she thinks you’re not within dating distance.
So if you work in a more central area, considering using your office’s zip code. Or if you don’t mind driving a bit for dates, choose a zip code closer to the city center.
Step #5: Message More Women In Less Time
Online dating is a numbers game – remember that depressing stat about sending out 100+ messages to be completely certain you’ll get 1 back?
Here’s another that’s just as bad – women only respond to about 4% of the messages they receive online.
Ya – that’s why “Hey” isn’t working out so well for you and the other 96% of guys who send boring messages like that.
If you want to be in that magical 4%, you need an icebreaker that smokes the competition – and when you get one that works, you need to send it to a ton of women.
You need the magic of copy & paste.
The basic premise is simple:
Don’t spend precious time painstakingly reading through her profile and writing a custom message based on it. Instead, you can spend the same amount of time sending multiple women a message that seems like you wrote it just for her.
Here’s an example that has worked well for our clients on dating sites like Match.com:
Of course, messages are generally a lot shorter on dating apps like Tinder. Here's a short icebreaker that gets great results:
See how you could fire off those messages to any women who catches your eye?
Even OkCupid’s head honcho acknowledges the copy & paste method works.
We’ve got even more examples of copy and paste messages that will help you start an online dating conversation.
There you have it – why online dating doesn’t work for most guys, plus 5 steps to turn your game around.
Of course, you can do it in 1 easy step by hiring a team of modern dating experts.
One quick phone call, and you could be enjoying a date with your dream girl each weekend instead of spending 12 hours a week sending out message after message hoping to get a response.
The choice is yours!
22 Things to Stop Doing on Dating Apps in 2022
Believe it or not, 2022 marks the 10-year anniversary of Tinder. Yes, it would take a couple more years before Tinder and the many other dating apps that popped up in the wake of its success went fully mainstream, and even longer before we finally cleansed ourselves of the stigma that’s followed online dating since we did it on desktops. But whether we knew it or not, when Tinder was founded in 2012, it changed the way we date forever.
Still, while a lot has changed since we first started swiping on our iPhone 3s a decade ago, plenty of things have stayed the same — including, regrettably, many of the cringeworthy dating app faux pas and missteps that just won’t seem to die. By now you should know that no one wants to see you holding a fish (unless you’re Tim McGraw) and that you shouldn’t catfish people. But take it from me, a person who has spent the vast majority of my adult life on dating apps, there are many, many more ways you can go wrong.
While I would like to think we’ve all mastered the basics of not being an absolute monster on dating apps by now, the vast trove of social media accounts devoted exclusively to documenting poor (and largely male) dating app behavior suggests otherwise. Whether you’re a recently divorced newcomer to dating apps or you’ve been swiping for the last 10 years, there’s clearly still room for improvement, and when it comes to success on dating apps, what you don’t do is just as important as what you do.
For your edification, I’ve graciously compiled this list of 22 things you should stop doing on dating apps in 2022. Maybe by 2032 our romantic lives will have been transformed yet again by an entirely new form of dating technology, but in the meantime, ditching these 22 habits will make the increasingly crowded online dating landscape a little more successful for you, and a little more habitable for the rest of us.
1. Pandemic small talk
No more opening with “So how’s the pandemic treating you?” or any related pandemic small talk. In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve been stuck in this thing for two years, and while I’m certainly not happy about it, “the new normal” ain’t new anymore. There is no longer anything remotely novel or interesting about pandemic life, and trying to use it as an icebreaker at this advanced stage of the game is about as original as opening with “Hey.” (More on that later.)
2. Hinge voice prompts
Last year, Hinge launched “voice prompts,” a new feature that allowed users to record themselves saying something in their profile. On paper, this seemed like a great idea. After all, for years dating app users have lamented the uniquely disappointing experience of falling for someone on an app only to discover they have a weird voice in person. But because humans are humans and the internet is the internet, Hinge voice prompts quickly became the biggest dating app fail of 2021 after TikTok flooded with clips of men using the feature to record themselves saying offensive, cringeworthy or simply unnecessary things. Even when used appropriately and with the best of intentions, voice prompts have been ruined forever and are best avoided. This is why we can’t have nice things.
3. Trying to talk people into breaking their pandemic safety boundaries
Since the beginning of the pandemic, the internet has been awash with rumors of dating-app users trying to convince their matches to violate CDC guidelines and/or their own personal COVID comfort zones in order to meet up for a date. Everyone has their own boundaries and ideas of safety when it comes to navigating a social and/or sex life amid the pandemic, and defining that comfort zone is ultimately a personal decision. While it may be frustrating if a match you think you’re really hitting it off with only wants to do virtual dates while you’d prefer an in-person meeting, there’s really nothing to be gained from trying to talk them into breaking those boundaries. Best-case scenario, they give in and you end up on a date with someone who is deeply uncomfortable with being in your presence and regrets ever agreeing to it in the first place. As in other areas of dating, no means no, and respecting someone’s boundaries is not optional.
Fortunately, some dating apps actually allow users to outline their current COVID dating preferences in their profiles, noting whether they prefer video dates, socially distanced dates, dates with masks, etc. This makes it very easy to determine whether you and a prospective date are on the same page, meaning there’s no reason to peer pressure someone into going on a date they aren’t comfortable with when you can just dive back into the massive pool of prospective matches and find someone who is interested in coming within six feet of you.
4. Pretending to be very over/ambivalent about/too good for dating apps
This includes any mention of the following:
“Not really into dating apps just trying this out”
“We can tell our families we met at *blank*”
Answering the Hinge prompt: “Worst idea I’ve ever had” with “Hinge” or “dating apps”
Answering the Hinge prompt: “Change my mind about” with “Hinge” or “dating apps”
Aside from being boring and cliche, this also reinforces very dated attitudes toward dating apps. It’s not 2013. There’s nothing shameful or weird about dating apps. Also not shameful or weird? Not using dating apps! So if you don’t like them, don’t use them! No one’s holding a gun to your head and forcing you to make a Hinge profile. If you really don’t want to use dating apps, a much easier way to convey that than complaining about it in your dating app profile would be to simply not make a dating app profile in the first place! Problem solved.
5. Asking for someone’s Snapchat before their phone number
The bigger issue at hand here is that if you’re over the age of 20 and Snapchat is still your primary form of communication, you shouldn’t be allowed to date at all. If Snapchat is the first place you want to take our conversation when we’re ready to move off the app, I assume you are either: 1. A teen 2. Looking for nudes or 3. Married. Yes, I understand that some people aren’t comfortable exchanging phone numbers with a stranger they met on the internet. Totally reasonable! Might I suggest using another secure messaging app, such as Signal (might still think you’re married but really that’s none of my business), or perhaps just continuing to chat on the dating app, which has a chat feature for this very reason. Which brings us to…
6. Exchanging numbers too early
There are no hard and fast rules dictating when and how to take a conversation off an app, but attempting to do so too early can work to your disadvantage. No, you don’t want to get stuck in an endless back and forth on the app where your chat will eventually get lost in between all your other matches, but weary swipers may be reluctant to add yet another “Matt Tinder” or “Maybe: Matt” to their phone. In my own expert opinion, numbers should be exchanged when you are ready to make plans to meet in person — which may very well (and I’d argue, probably should) happen relatively shortly after matching. The key is not to just ask for someone’s number only to then continue the same back and forth on a different platform. If that’s all you’re interested in, the in-app chat feature will do just fine; it’s not actually “so hard to text on here.”
7. Starting conversations with “hey”
This isn’t going to get you anywhere. Period. It’s 2022, we’re all tired. Just delete your account if that’s all you got.
8. Starting a conversation with one of the app’s pre-written conversation starters
The person you send it to is obviously also on that app and has also seen all those same conversation starters. But unlike you, that person looked through those conversation starters and thought, “Lol who would use these?” And unfortunately, now they know. Frankly, you’re better off with “Hey.”
9. Overusing someone’s name
Once upon a time, some social psychologist or other told some sex and relationships writer or other that using someone’s name in a text can help establish intimacy. Unfortunately, all it really establishes is creepiness — especially if this is a person you’ve never even met. Yes, great, you know my name because you read it in my profile. You have established your command of basic literacy. There is no need to use someone’s name on a dating app. If you message me, I already know you are talking to me. There is no one else you could possibly be addressing in our private chat thread. If you like unnecessarily saying my name, I encourage you to save it for when we’re in bed.
10. Selfies
Attention all men: Exactly 175 percent of you are absolutely terrible at taking selfies. I’m not sure why or how this happened, but you really can’t seem to do it well and I suggest you stop trying. Besides looking bad, an overabundance of selfies makes it look like you don’t go anywhere or have anyone willing to take pictures of you. The real way to prove you’re not a weird loner isn’t to use a bunch of group pics, it’s to use non-selfies. One to two mirror selfies are permissible (you seem to fare better with those) and maybe one well-taken selfie of you and some friends. But that’s it — and please ask a trusted woman to verify whether or not that selfie is actually good.
11. Too many group pics
As someone with very few friends, I understand the impulse to prove that you do, in fact, have them. That said, having all or mostly group photos is a quick way to get left-swiped. We don’t have time to play guess who with your profile. Your first pic should absolutely be a picture of just you. A couple subsequent group pics where you are easy to identify is fine. Please keep any pics of you and 25 of your closest shirtless bros to a minimum.
12. Having fewer than three photos
Two pictures is not enough for us to make an informed decision about what you actually look like. It also makes it seem like you’re either extremely lazy and/or not a real account. Three is an absolute minimum. The more the merrier.
13. Photos that aren’t you
Cool landscape/skyline/beach etc., but that’s not what I’m here for. You can have one non-you photo if it is truly impressive and related to you, like an award you won or a piece of art you’ve created. But no one wants to see your vacation pics.
14. Calling yourself an “entrepreneur”
Some people might be entrepreneurs, but there is very little overlap between them and people on dating apps who call themselves entrepreneurs. As my friend put it, “The guy on Tinder who is an ‘entrepreneur’ and the girl from high school in a pyramid scheme on Facebook who is an ‘entrepreneur’ are two different breeds of equally fake entrepreneurs.” If your job sucks, just don’t include it in your profile.
15. Lying about your age
This seems to be most common among men around certain milestone ages. I’ve been on a few dates with presumed 38-year-olds, only to find out (much to my preference) that they are actually 42-year-olds who were concerned that too many women cut off their age preferences after 40. Guess what? A woman who doesn’t want to date someone over 40 also doesn’t want to date someone over 40 who is a liar. I promise, there are plenty of people out there who genuinely want to date people in your age range, whatever that age range might be. The beauty of dating apps is they can filter everyone else out for you so you only see people who may have a mutual interest in you. It’s a win-win, and no one has to lie.
16. Listing very specific height/weight/body type requirements
This isn’t about being shallow or superficial. We all have preferences about physical appearance and those preferences aren’t inherently bad or shameful or less important. This is about not being a huge jerk. Matters of physical appearance, especially weight and body type, can be extremely fraught and emotionally charged topics for people. It is completely unnecessary to go around stating your physical demands in your dating app bio (and yes, this goes for women who establish “deal-breakers” about men’s height too). Many dating apps allow you to privately filter based on height anyway, and a few allow you to filter based on body type as well. Again, it’s completely fine to have and act on these preferences, but there’s literally nothing to be gained from mentioning them in your profile. If you don’t have anything nice to say, just only match with people who suit your fancy and leave everyone else alone.
17. Really long bios
TL;DR. Keep it short and sweet. We don’t need your life story and the fact that you enjoy long walks on the beach. Many dating apps, like Bumble and Hinge include other places for you to lay out the fundamentals in your profile anyway — like whether or not you want kids, drinking/smoking preferences, religion, etc. Since the basics are already covered, you can save your bio for something chill and hopefully funny and/or clever. (Note, a quote from The Office is neither.)
18. Making your entire profile about dogs
Liking dogs may very well be a personality, it’s just a really boring one. Yes, dogs may be important to you, and many people like them, which makes it a great place to establish common ground. But the whole “only here for cute dog pics” / “probably will like your dog more than I’ll like you” / “probably like my dog more than I’ll like you” / “Fido comes first” etc. is played out and boring as hell. Yes, we all love our dogs. It’s very endearing and not at all unique or interesting.
19. “Swipe left if you are/are not *arbitrary thing I like/dislike*”
Again, no one needs to see a list of demands that you’ve decided make for the perfect romantic partner. It’s presumptive, makes you seem closed-minded, and it also suggests you assume that you have the ideal qualities everyone must be seeking in a mate and the onus is on the rest of the world to evaluate themselves for you rather than the other way around.
20. Messaging matches you’ve never met in real life because you happened to actually spot them out in the wild and recognized them from the app
One time I was walking out of the CVS in my neighborhood and looked down and saw a Tinder message from a match I’d never met in real life and had barely spoken to on the app that said, “Hey did you just walk into CVS?” This was absolutely terrifying. Please don’t do this. In very densely populated cities like New York or Los Angeles, it’s entirely possible that you might bump into someone in real life who you recognize from an app. Do not acknowledge it! This is not fate, it’s not your in, it’s not a fun conversation starter. It’s terrifying and a really quick way to get blocked and/or reported.
21. Rapid-fire right swiping on every single prospective match
I’d heard rumors that men would just open up Tinder or Bumble and swipe right on every single profile in the hopes of racking up some matches, but I didn’t believe it until one day at the gym when I watched in horror from my perch atop a stair climber while a guy pedaling along on a stationary bike did exactly that. Don’t do this. Best case scenario, you clutter up your match queue with a bunch of people you aren’t actually interested in. Otherwise, you’ll just end up feeling disappointed when, after all that swiping, you still only come up with one match. It’s a quick path to swipe fatigue and/or carpal tunnel. Slow down and swipe with intent.
22. Getting unduly upset about ghosting
The advent of dating apps gave birth to a decade of ghosting outrage. Let’s leave that behind in 2022. Yes, it’s rude to just disappear on a person you’ve been seeing, but times have changed, and ghosting isn’t the egregious moral ill it once was. In fact, there are many situations in which ghosting is not only permissible, but in fact preferable. If you’ve been on a few dates with a person, yes, you should probably let them know if you’re no longer interested in continuing to see them. But if you never even took things off the app, no one owes you an explanation. In fact, no one owes you anything. Ghost and let ghost.
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Why Dating Apps Just Don’t Work And What We Can Do About It
Zero women are responding to me on Hinge or Bumble.
For those of you that don’t know, Hinge and Bumble are the allegedly less creepy dating apps. I’ve used the creepy ones too. The one thing they all have in common is that none of them work for me.
None of them.
But wouldn’t it be awesome if one of them did work? If the app on my phone delivered profiles of beautiful, funny women who like dogs and Star Wars and nachos? Women that enjoy late night philosophical conversations over a cocktail?
Hell yeah it would!
And I could swipe right to let them know I’m interested.
And out of the hundreds of women that I liked, some would respond. And a handful of them would meet me and give me the opportunity to ruin my chances with them in person.
Or maybe some of them would ruin things with tales of a previously undisclosed cat or by chewing with her mouth open.
I don’t know.
But I believe that there are two possible reasons why these apps suck so incredibly bad for me:
1) The profiles are created by women, who for whatever reason have abandoned them. Maybe they were bored, or joined on a dare, were just curious, or met someone and have since forgotten about the app and no longer check responses.
2) The profiles are fake.
Number 2 is very possible considering that a huge number of profiles were revealed to be fake during The Great Ashley Madison Hack of 2015. If there are lots fakes on that site, why not on other sites and apps too?
You will notice that I have left out the possibility that I am uninteresting or ugly. I may be both, but just go to the mall, a bar, or restaurant on any day of the week and you will see women dating ugly, boring dudes.
So, I’m not sitting here at my desk wearing my flannel pajama pants at 6pm on a Thursday (yes I am) bitching about women.
No.
Really, I’m not.
I’m going to call on all men to put down the stupid, ineffective dating apps that only seek to exploit us for revenue, and stand for something.
Stand for courage. Stand for confidence. And reclaim the lost art of the the cold approach walk-up.
Use the 3 second rule, and if you see a woman out and about that you fancy, do something!
Anything.
Buy her a flower.
Ask her a question.
Tell her a story.
Hand her a puppy.
Something!
And you have 3 seconds to do it in. If you wait longer than that, you’ll talk yourself out of it and lose your nerve. And be a F*cking gentleman. That way if she’s just not into you, you won’t be ruining things for the rest of us.
And I’ll be out there with you.
That’s right!
And NOT swiping right, sending my intentions out into a cold, vast, indifferent cyber universe.
Because no one is out there to notice.
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*** Note: Sarah Fader made me write this. 😬
With you: Why dating apps dont work
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