The Plankton Generation - that's women who are barely visible
and at the bottom of the food chain for romance - just because they're over 45

By Winifred Robinson for MailOnline
Updated:

When it comes to romance, we all like a happy ending — which is what makes a new blog by an older, single woman such a heart-wrenching read.

The woman, who is divorced but says she would love to be married again, describes herself as being ‘on the wrong side of 45 with a brace of kids’ and bewails her place in ‘relationship no-man’s land’, condemned to be alone for the rest of her days.

She writes under the name ‘The  Plankton’, explaining that, like the plankton in the ocean, she is barely visible and ‘at the bottom of the food chain for love and relationships’.

Growing problem: Many over-45s describe themselves as 'invisible' to the opposite sex

Her outpourings, which convey with unflinching honesty the huge difficulties older women can face finding a man, have caused quite a stir on women’s internet chat forums. They have certainly proved a talking point among my single women friends.

‘I almost wept when I read her blog about going to a wonderful party hoping to meet someone,’ my friend Ruthie explained. ‘I have felt like that so often. You know you are being unrealistic and that it won’t happen — yet when it doesn’t, you can’t help being disappointed.’

Ruthie is 47 and one of the most attractive women — of any age — that I know. Never married, she has a son James, now 13, by a man she parted from before her son was born. Ruthie has been looking for a boyfriend for the past decade. 

Ruthie thought that she would have lots of boyfriends when she got older - just as she did in her younger years - but found this was not the case

‘I always had boyfriends when I was younger and assumed I would again after James was born,’ she says. ‘When he  was three, I started chatting online. These chats were fun — and sometimes quite flirty — but if I ever suggested  we meet, the men would often back  off, saying they were not looking for a relationship.’

A dozen or so dates followed over the years, none of them quite right. When she last registered with an online dating site she was 44 — and few men made contact. ‘Forty is a huge cut-off point for a lot of men,’ Ruthie explains. ‘There was just one I met and we had a fantastic evening. I was surprised afterwards when he didn’t get in touch.

‘Six months later, he did contact me. It turned out he’d seen some other women when he saw me and gone on to have brief relationships with them. When those relationships failed, he came back to me and I just felt, “He’ll be off again”, so I didn’t pursue it.’

WHO KNEW?
Divorce in England and Wales in the 45- plus age group rose by more than 30 per cent between 1997 and 2007

For people like me — I’ve been married and out of the dating game for nearly 20 years — the idea that there are vast numbers of single women, but no single men, seems nonsensical. Official statistics reveal that among those aged 45 to 64 there are equal numbers of men and women living alone, it is only in the 65 and over age group that the lone women outnumber men — and that’s easily explained by the fact that men die younger. So what’s going wrong?

The imbalance, it seems, is because middle-aged men are  looking for partners who are far younger than them. ‘A man can pick from a wider pool of women — his age and under, by several decades,’ The Plankton writes. ‘I have a friend in her late 30s who lives with, and has children by, a man in his mid-60s. He is paunchy with grey chest hair and not especially rich. He plucked her from a surfeit of willing women, watching him like vultures before my friend “got” him.’

This may be the case in some  circles, but is it generally true? Sadly, yes, according to Dr Bernie Hogan, a research fellow at Oxford University. He pointed me towards a research website called OkTrends, which draws on data supplied by more than a million members of OkCupid, one of the biggest dating websites in the world. In a report entitled The Case For An Older Woman, it states that 45-year-olds have a much harder time finding romance because ‘the male fixation on youth distorts the dating pool’. 

Age game: Research has shown that middle-aged men are looking for partners who are far younger than them, examples include Michael Douglas, 66 and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones, 41

The typical 42-year-old man will accept a woman up to 15 years younger, but no more than three years older — and the women he enters into online conversation with are almost always at the younger end of the spectrum. The typical woman, by contrast, states she’d like to meet a man a few years older or younger than herself — and these are the men she contacts.

These attitudes explain why many over-45s — including The Plankton — describe themselves as ‘invisible’ to the opposite sex. Charlotte Phipps is divorced and lives in Newmarket, Suffolk. Aged 53, she works as  a secretary. ‘The hardest time for me is when I come home from work  at six o’clock,’  she says.

‘My two terriers run barking to greet me, but apart from them, there  is silence. I own a lovely two- bedroomed cottage with a beautiful garden, which I enjoy, but night after night I sit  on my own watching TV. It is incredibly boring and I am lonely. Whenever I go out, men do not tend to look at me. I’ve lost a lot of confidence.’

The opportunities to meet other single people tend to peter out as we move from youth to middle age, according to Bernie Hogan. ‘Over 40, most of the people you meet socially will already be in a relationship,’ he points out. Which is why online is increasingly regarded as the place where over-40s will have the greatest chance of success.

After scores of dodgy dates, Charlotte Cory found Kevin Parrott although they seemed to have little in common

Bernie Hogan’s department, the Oxford Internet Institute, surveyed 25,000 couples in 19 countries — including the UK — who had been living together for over a year. Of those who had got together within the past 15 years and were aged 40 or over when they met, four out of ten had met online.

But online dating has its own set of rules — and sometimes  brutal behaviour. Sarah Browne is 46 and works in communications for a skincare company. She lives in a large Edwardian balcony flat in Brighton. Sarah has no children and has never married.

‘I keep trying to date men over the internet, but it is often hopeless,’ she says. ‘I can’t count the times a guy has seemed really keen to arrange a date, and then, with sometimes only five minutes to go, I get a text saying sorry, he  can’t make it. I’ve been told they cry off as they have met someone more suitable.’

Yet it’s not always doom and gloom. Charlotte Cory, a writer and artist, left her husband after 20 years and, at the age of 50, started surfing for love online. ‘There are still some very nice men out there, looking to share their lives with women their own age,’ Cory insists.

Some older women may be missing out on the chance of finding love, she thinks, because, bruised and rejected in earlier relationships, they lack the confidence and persistence to keep dating until they find  a match. Lots of people are self-punishing,’ she told me. ‘They go out with a few people and say, “It doesn’t work”, but I have met so many people who have done as I did — and are blissfully happy.’

After scores of dodgy dates, Cory found Kevin Parrott: ‘On our first meeting, he handed me his card,’ she recalls. ‘I read  “Professor Parrott” and nearly fell off my chair laughing. I said, “If I marry you, I’m going to have to change my name to Polly.”’ When they did marry, two years later, she signed herself ‘Polly’ in the register.

Older women may also be scuppering their chances by being too picky. In Cory’s case, she had low expectations of her initial meeting with Kevin because they seemed to have little in common: Kevin is a maths professor, while Cory only scraped maths O-level — and he’d listed ballroom dancing among his interests.

Many studies suggest men who become single after years of  marriage are quick to find a new mate, while women are more cautious

However, there can be a more subtle reason why many women who say they’d love to find a man remain single. ‘Some just don’t want to make the compromises that having a man can mean,’ says Dr Maye Taylor, a counsellor and life coach.

‘Many studies suggest men who become single after years of  marriage are quick to find a new mate, while women are more cautious. For some, it amounts to a positive decision to remain single.’

I contacted The Plankton and she said the huge response to her lament proves there are many older women who feel just as she does. ‘I have had so many comments saying that finally someone has come out and said the unsayable, the self-same thoughts they’ve had for so long, but never voiced to a soul in the world,’ she told me.

‘Perhaps the most moving of all was the one who said she was going to have to unsubscribe to my blog, not because she didn’t agree with it, but because it said everything she had ever thought and reduced her to tears every day and she couldn’t cry any more!’

So behind this deep sense of loss and disappointment lie many reasons why older women miss out — male attitudes, the dearth of social opportunities, the emotional investment needed to date successfully online.

And many, perhaps even The Plankton herself, would simply rather be alone than with the wrong man. So, no matter how much we might all wish it, when it comes to affairs of the heart, for the older single woman, there just isn’t a happy ending every time.

Read the blog at planktonlife.wordpress.com

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Last week, I pushed myself to go on the first date I have had in a year. I wasn’t bounding with enthusiasm, at the age of 41, but hope is hard to shake. “Be open to the universe and the universe will throw something back,” a friend advised.

In this case, it flung back a guy who lied on his dating profile about his age, used a photo that looked 15 years out of date and told me a bizarre story about how he had done time on a chicken farm because the prisons in his native country were too full – all, and this was the really confusing bit, for a crime he did not commit.

I may have laughed a little about the experience with my friends – direct access to fresh eggs could be a bonus, after all – but it didn’t stop me from shedding a tear outside Zara afterwards at what my dating life had become.

It hasn’t been all bad, of course, I have had lovely experiences, too. One man I met fairly recently was thoroughly decent, honest and a good laugh – but, sadly, there was no “click”. But women in their 40s are likely to have run the gauntlet of hope, heart-sinks and uncertainty that are part of the dating trajectory, from traditional meet-ups to the rise of the planet of the apps.

My process of natural deselection is trawling hundreds of profiles that pass in a blur of torso selfies, confusing group photos and grinning men in their 50s holding out large fish (this choice of profile picture is one of the many mysteries of online dating). I don’t know whether to feel flattered or fatigued by the hundreds of swipe-rights on my profile.

So, I speak to Dr Martin Graff, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of South Wales, who confirms my fears that it is just a numbers game after all. “Men are trying to maximise their chances by swiping on as many matches as possible. Women tend to be more selective, as well as more invested in their own profile,” he says.

Dr Graff, whose research interests include the psychology of online dating, explains why the hours of swiping feel draining. “Online dating is like relationship shopping; it’s the eBay of the dating world,” he says. “But the paradox of choice is that the more you have, the less likely you are to be satisfied.” In other words, while apps offer the illusion of choice, the reality for women in their 40s feels different.

For a start, fewer men in that bracket are looking for women of a similar age, compared with younger men. Graff agrees that men in their 40s are more likely to want a partner in their 30s or 20s. “Older men will look for younger women for their reproductive viability,” he says.

But Graff has not quite razed my optimism to the ground. He thinks online dating is still the most effective way for women in their 40s to find a partner, because people in their 40s tend to be more confident, discerning and instinctive.

That is true for 49-year-old Helen James, an author and single mum from London who has been dating for almost a decade, starting when her son was four. “When my ex left, I became a single mum who was occasionally a single woman,” she says. “I had to shoehorn dating in between mothering. Early on, I realised that the traditional methods of meeting in a bar or at an event weren’t open to me. So, I turned to online dating.”

Helen has attracted men her own age, as well as men more than 10 years younger. She prefers meeting men similar in age, but over the past nine years her attitude has changed significantly in other ways. “At the beginning, I was so stressed and so anxious to build a family that I might have attracted a ‘rescuer’,” she says. “As time has gone by, my son and I have become a tight-knit team. Now, I’m more independent and fulfilled through work. I don’t particularly want someone’s underpants on my radiator or a guy telling me I have too many cushions.”

Maybe I can be a Muslim version of Carrie Bradshaw, a sort of No Sex and the City

Instead, Helen has created “options” – three men she meets every few months, each of whom knows about the others. “Life is full of surprises. If someone told me when I was in my 20s what I’d be doing now, I would never have believed them. But you find yourself where you find yourself. I’m authentic, and my life is fuller than it’s ever been.”

It sounds so liberating. I wonder if I, too, will experience less anxiety as I get further into my 40s – maybe become a Muslim version of Carrie Bradshaw, a sort of No Sex and the City?

After years of being online, I did worry that I had suddenly become less “marketable” when the age on my profile finally, callously, flipped from 39 to 40. Dating can leave you feeling vulnerable, but Olivia, a 43-year-old secondary school teacher from Sussex, is impressively stoic. “I take it all with a pinch of salt. I don’t put my heart and soul into it, in case it doesn’t work out.” She is selective, meeting men only after putting them through her own “filtering” system.

Olivia often finds that men want casual hook-ups, but she is looking for a meaningful relationship. She has tried the “organic” route of meeting someone in real life, without success. “By the time I was 30, most of my friends were already in relationships and they only knew couples, so when we went out I was meeting men who were already taken.”

What about speed dating? “I tried it once; it’s not really for me,” says Olivia. For Helen, though, it offers the best answer to dating woes, since it combines numbers with the chance of chemistry. However, she says that “not many speed dating events cater well for women in their 40s”.

Sarah Payne, the events manager for a site called SpeedDater, says she has seen an increase in women in their 40s attending their events. However, she says there can be a mismatch in interest: “We find that the women like activity-based events such as wine tasting, cooking, and salsa dancing”, as do younger clients, whereas older men tend to be less keen on activities.

But there can be consolation where there is no click, Payne adds: she says speed dating has nurtured a culture of female bonding. “A lot of the women comment on how lovely it is to meet other single women. They exchange numbers to attend events together in the future, as they have fewer single friends to do things with,” she says.

This chimes with me: looking for a partner has resulted in me finding more friends – or at least opening different avenues in life, if not in love. One guy became a genuine figure of support for my work. Another has tried to introduce me to potential matches, as I have for him. Also, the number of married women who tell me that they envy my freedom, and that I should savour my best single life, has been eye-opening.

At this stage in my life, as opposed to in my 20s or 30s, I know myself better, I have a broader notion of happiness and I approach dating with a far more open mind than I did previously. Dating – either online or in real life – requires courage, resilience and willpower. Being yourself and opening yourself up to the universe, whatever it chooses to give back, is something I will continue to embrace.

Over the years, we've seen so many love stories of people finding love in their 40s, 50s, and beyond. It's no longer uncommon for older adults to dip their feet once again into the dating pool. Whether you've been single for a long time or you've never truly found that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, gracefully aging is never a reason to hold back on love.

If you're in your mid-40s or 50s and you're thinking about entering the dating scene, it's normal to have doubts. Many older adults believe that the dating phase has surpassed them and that there is no one out there for them anymore. However, that's where you might be wrong. Trusted dating sites like eHarmony have helped both men and women find love at the right time.

The data says that it's easier for men in their 50s to find love than women of the same age. But with eHarmony, it doesn't matter what your gender is. Love is there for people who are willing to open themselves to it.

What The Data Says About Finding Love in Your 50s

First, some bad news. Statistics say that men are more likely to die younger than women. In the U.S., 57% of people over the age of 65 are female, and 67% of older adults over the age of 85 are women.

Men tend to have more jobs in physically dangerous industries and are generally at higher risk of obesity, heart disease, and other lifestyle factors. The statistics about the longer lifespan of women over men are relevant to finding love in your 50s because, by this time in your life, the ratio of women to men is statistically larger.

This means that men who are looking for women in the same age group have more choices. As the years pass, demographics suggest that women increasingly outnumber men. According to a 2009 U.S. statistical report, women will outnumber men 954 to 920 by the age of 50. Hypothetically, this means that if 954 women were looking for love at this age, according to these statistics there may only be 920 men to choose from. However, statistics don't tell the whole story—not all women in their 50s are going to be looking for love, or for the opposite gender for that matter!

The key is to put yourself out there, no matter your gender or your preferences. As always, data and statistics that come from research papers can be limited by the scope of their studies. You'll never know what wonderful relationships are in store for you if you don't give it a try. Life is full of surprises, and eHarmony is just one door of opportunities among many.

The Modern Way to Find Love

Modern technology has enabled relationships to flourish in so many ways. We're no longer limited by physical distance or the inability of snail mail to reach our loved ones as fast as we would like. Today, instant messaging and video calls allow us to keep in touch with the people we value.

With eHarmony, instant messaging and video calls for premium members also allow people to meet new people and develop relationships. This works well for people in their mid-40s and beyond who are currently staying indoors while the pandemic continues. eHarmony empowers both men and women to open up to the possibility of finding romantic connections online.

eHarmony's database of members claims that 51% are males and 49% are women. This means that there are slightly better odds for women on eHarmony than in general, according to population statistics, anyway. This information can be interpreted in many ways, but the fact is that there are plenty of singles who are looking to settling down with a compatible match.

Whether you're entering or re-entering the dating scene, you'll have your own preferences in mind. Maybe you want someone who comes from a similar background, someone with the same beliefs, or someone who shares the same goals.

In your 40s and 50s, utilizing the technology behind modern dating with eHarmony can give you an advantage. eHarmony uses its very own scientifically researched-based 32 DIMENSIONS® model to match members to each other. The model matches members based on features of compatibility that are found in thousands of successful relationships.

To utilize this breakthrough matchmaking technology, simply complete eHarmony's compatibility quiz here, answer some basic questions about yourself, and sign up for a safe and trusted online dating community!

Don't limit the opportunities that you allow yourself to experience. If you're in your 50s or beyond, give eHarmony a chance when you're ready.

We may earn a commission from links on this page, but we only recommend products we back. Newsweek AMPLIFY participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.

When you're dating in your 40s, you might be looking for a first-time forever match, or maybe you're reentering the scene after a divorce or other hiatus. Maybe you already have your own kids—solo, or with a co-parent—or maybe you still want them… or maybe you don't. But whatever the specs of your dating life are, you'll likely find that there are particular challenges involved with dating over 40. From hangups and baggage to sex and technology, here, therapists, relationship coaches, couples counselors, and more explain why dating is so much harder in your 40s.

When you're in your 40s, you know what you like and what you don't like. And it can be harder than it was when you were younger to adapt and welcome a new relationship into your life, with all of the inherent compromise that comes with it.

"Dating is more difficult in your 40s because your life is usually more settled, and doing new things doesn't come as easily as it did in your earlier years," says psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, author of The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty.

Maybe you're dating in your 40s after a divorce—or even if not, you'll likely encounter other divorcees in the dating pool at this stage of life. And that can be a complicating factor.

"The experience of divorce and where you are in the process of getting over one can impact how jaded or emotionally unprepared you feel about the process of getting back out into the dating world," says Dana McNeil, LMFT, founder of group practice The Relationship Place. "Some people start dating right away after divorce or separation. When this happens, it is likely they haven't taken adequate time to process how the divorce impacted them emotionally. … Finding out how long a potential partner has been single is an important consideration before commitment."

There are many ways kids can complicate dating in your 40s. "Children can play into the equation heavily at this age," says career and relationship coachJulieanne O'Connor. "Often people already have children, or don't yet have children and sometimes feel rushed to do so. And there's the consideration of raising someone else's children."

For divorced parents dating in their 40s, kids are still very much a part of their daily lives. Family and relationship psychotherapistFran Walfish, PsyD, notes that "dating in your 40s is so much harder because most divorced people in their 40s still have growing children living at home."

Dating in your 40s can bring to light an uncomfortable disparity: No matter their own ages, men and women may be looking for partners of different ages. Sometimes that's merely a matter of vanity (i.e. "I want to date someone younger and have a trophy on my arm").

Other times, that uncomfortable reality comes about as a result of the kid factor, too. "[Some] women over the age of 40 are not interested in having more kids. However, there are a lot of men in their 40s who are very interested in having children. As a result, there tends to be a lot of men in their 40s who are looking for women in their 30s," says professional dating profile writerEric Resnick. "This can leave the women in their 40s with the feeling that the men in their age group are superficial and have unrealistic expectations."

In your 20s and 30s, you may have regularly gone out on dates—perhaps several in a month or even in a week. But if you find yourself newly single in your 40s, the very notion of dating can feel entirely unfamiliar. "Some people who are newly single in their 40s might not have dated since they were teens. A lot has changed," notes life and relationship coachJonathan Bennett. "It can be difficult jumping right back in when you've been out of practice for many years."ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb

If you often met people to date through friends when you were younger, you might find that doesn't come as naturally at 40-plus, when your social life may be less bustling, as a large quantity of friendships turns to a quality few.

"Meeting through friends is the most common way to find a partner; yet, as people get older, they usually have fewer friends," Bennett says. "You can see how this makes dating more difficult as men and women in their 40s have to rely on anxiety-inducing methods like online dating, approaching strangers in social settings, or even trying singles events."

To that end, finding a relationship over 40 often involves technology—from swiping through potential matches on dating apps to communicating with possible partners via text or DM. And over-40 daters may not love that newer aspect of the game.

"People today have become habitually dependent upon texting that breeds misunderstanding, uncertainty, and distance in the message receiver," Walfish says. "From what I hear patients moan about, there are some things about the archaic ways of dating that I think would be best brought back."

"Dating at 40-plus often becomes more challenging because of the insecurities and judgments that people have about aging," says relationship expert and couples counselorKatherine Bihlmeier. "'I'm too old,' 'My body is not beautiful anymore, 'I don't have anything to offer because I'm not as young as I used to be,' 'Nobody would find this saggy skin sexy'… The list of judgments running through our heads just grows longer."

At this stage of life, you can be especially critical of potential mates, which can result from your own past experiences. "If you are divorced or are coming from a relationship that lasted many years only to fail, you tend to be more cautious about who you date. At times, this caution can turn into being overly critical or extremely picky of people you are dating, finding flaws that are not necessarily detrimental to a relationship," says Stephania Cruz, relationship expert and writer for DatingPilot.net. "Being overly critical or picky can hurt the chances of meeting a great person to form a serious relationship with."

When you're in your 20s, dating may be the only responsibility you care to prioritize. But when you're in your 40s, it's likely one of many aspects of your life that you're trying to keep afloat.

"Your 40s may very well be the peak of your life in terms of juggling responsibility. You may have a successful career, family, financial responsibility, and a whole myriad of other endeavors that make searching for a partner and dating that much more complicated," says health and wellness coachLynell Ross. "It's not just about the dating itself, but the host of other things you have to juggle in the background."

In addition to having more responsibility in your 40s, you likely have an entirely different set of priorities—and a timeline that may look different than it did in the past, too.

"When people are in their teens, 20s, and early 30s, meeting new people, partying with friends, and socializing is something they desire and look forward to," says dating expert and authorKevin Darné. But sometimes, he says, "people in their 40s and beyond have already had the fairytale wedding and subsequent divorce. Therefore they don't have the same urgency or enthusiasm when it comes to finding a mate as they did in the past. Their top priorities are more likely taking care of their children or elderly parent [or] focusing on their career."

When you're in your 20s and go to a party, everyone is single and ready to mingle. But it's not so much the case as we age. "When you're younger, you're around peers who are largely single. Very few people have settled down into formal commitments like marriage. Yet, in your 40s, many of your co-workers and natural peers are married and unavailable to date," Bennett says. "The dating pool is smaller and it can lead to frustration."

If you're looking for a serious relationship in your 40s, you could be approaching dating with a bit too much intensity, making dates feels more like an interview than a chat with a potential match.

"If you're heading into a date with a checklist of questions and criteria, you're running the risk of making the person feel interrogated and unseen for who they are. Keep it as casual and relaxed as you possibly can—and don't beat yourself up too much if you are feeling anxious," suggests Carissa Coulston, PhD, a clinical psychologist and relationship writer for The Eternity Rose. "Just try and let the conversation flow. Chemistry will either form or it won't.

To be clear, standards are important—but setting the bar unrealistically high can be a factor when dating in your 40s. "What made for an ideal mate at ages 16, 18, or 25 generally will not cut it for us when we're in our 40s," Darné says. "Once you start acquiring homes, have children, and have a decent amount in your 401(k), you become much more selective. … The higher your standards are, the more competition there is for finding such a person, and [there] is also more frustration with each person you meet who doesn't measure up."

In your 40s, you might find yourself hopelessly stuck to a "type"—or avoiding a "type"—based on your own past experiences. "Both men and women are guilty of this," Coulston says. "Perhaps they had one bad experience in the past with a particular person, and are now trying to avoid anyone remotely similar at all costs. However, a 'type' is not always an accurate way of summing up another person. If you categorize a person based on some similarities with someone in your past, you could easily miss out on a partner who is compatible with you."

Daters over 40 are likely seeking a satisfying sexual relationship as much as they were at earlier stages of life. But sex itself is different in your 40s, which can add awkwardness or pressure to a budding relationship. "Middle-aged sex requires a different focus and some new techniques to be satisfying," Tessina says. "It's no surprise that sex is different for mid-lifers than for youngsters."

Bihlmeier adds that, when dating in your 40s, "all the judgments we as society have of aging and sex come up." "It makes them insecure, and it is hard for them to enjoy themselves," she says.

If you're dating in your 40s, that might represent a different path from the one you had planned for yourself—and that can breed insecurity and a sense of not measuring up as a potential mate. "Whether you are still single, married, or split up, you could be worried about what other people think of you," Ross says. "You could be caught in that awkward time of not feeling old, but not feeling as young as those in the dating scene, and find it easier to avoid dating."

But of course, you shouldn't let your fears stop you from putting yourself out there. Remind yourself of everything you have going for you and how worthy you are of finding love. It's definitely not easy, but it's worthwhile.

Alesandra Dubin

Alesandra Dubin is a lifestyle editor and writer based in Los Angeles. Read more

What to do when you’re 40 and single? Does it seem to you that you have tried merely EVERYTHING, but still no result? Already desperate to find love and preparing yourself for loneliness? Cheer up! We will give you a list of the best places to meet singles over 40 to increase your chances.

Some Tips on How to Find a Date at 40

Before starting your search outside, do one inside. Answer the following blocks of questions.

• What are my hopes? Decide whether you seek sexual or romantic relationships.
• Who am I looking for? What do I expect my perfect match to be? What hobbies might they have? Answers will give you a clue on where to go.
• How could I attract such a person? What traits should I develop? Is there something to be changed? Then you will understand how to conform to your expected partner.

And now let’s mull over some best place to meet 40 year old woman and men.

Qualities People Over 40 Appreciate

The third block of questions mentioned above is about traits a person should have to find a partner he or she wants. It is important to know when you should seek like-minded singles.

What Men in Their 40s Want

At this age, men tend to look deeper than young gentlemen. It means a great ass is less important than intelligence and reliability. Middle-aged males want to have long-term relationships, and they need a woman to be trusted and to get over obstacles together.

What Women over 40 Like in Men

Just like men, single middle-aged ladies want durable and safe relationships with a reliable and mature partner. But they still appreciate romance – flowers, cute gifts, candlelight dinner. These lovely gestures bring warmth to the relationships.

Best Ways to Meet Singles Over 40

If you are a bit shy, loath to change, or just not sure about your true desires, have a look at your closest surroundings. It often happens that a person gives up their current life, moves to another country, changes the occupation field, and then it is a classmate or a lost childhood friend who becomes their significant other. Professional dating advisors recommend having a different look at the following options.

Your Friend’s Friends

Some people think that having relationships with your mate’s acquaintances is a straight way to destroy the friendship. But that’s a teenager’s point of view. 40+ singles are mainly interested in mature, serious relationships that would meet their expectations and requirements. Who knows you better than your friend? He or she may introduce you to a good reliable person who shares your interests (and friends! which means a lot).

Visit your friends’ BBQ parties, join them in some new activities. Do not reject their proposals to go on a double date with their partner’s best friend. It works, though it may seem too unrealistic.

Your Workplace

A workplace romance has a far more bad reputation than dating one’s friend’s friend. But you spend a great amount of time at work, getting to meet people who have the same professional qualities and fields of interests. It is worth looking closely at the male colleagues, making contacts, and telling people that you do not mind starting relationships. You will not have to leave your comfort zone, think of a new activity, etc. Just be yourself and give a chance to your surroundings.

Online Dating Sites

Though adults do not trust internet dating, this way of finding a partner often works excellent. There are plenty of apps for meeting singles over 40. Here are some of the best platforms.

OurTime

OurTime is part of the Match.com group of dating sites and is specifically focused on singles over 40. It’s a number 1 single over 40 dating site according to users’ reviews.

eHarmony

It attracts singles who are serious about meeting someone for a long-term relationship. Ladies, this app makes it easier to find a husband after 40.

Bumble

This app has a peculiarity: only females can write a message to men after their mutual likes. No time for being shy!

Online Dating Events For Over 40

Where to Meet Women over 40

Karaoke Bar

Women love karaoke, and it is a brilliant way to spend time with friends drinking, singing, and partying. The key point for men is not to be afraid of rejection. Come up, ask the lady which songs she likes, suggest singing together. Karaoke bars have a low-pressure, friendly environment, so everybody there is eager to meet new people.

Kids-Involving Events

The older a female becomes, the more she is keen to spend time with children. So, the best place to meet a 40-year-old woman can be a ballet show at a local kids club, summer camps, non-school studying events, and so on. The great thing about such events is that they’re relaxed and unassuming. The focus is placed on the event, not on meeting someone.

Concerts

When looking for women over 40, it is worth visiting a concert. It may be a classical music concert, a show dedicated to some holiday, or a theatre performance.

Salsa Lessons

A lot of people think that the best place to meet a 40-year-old woman is a dance studio. Many single ladies 40 to 50 attend salsa classes because of three reasons:

• It is beneficial for health;
• A great opportunity to socialize;
• Salsa is not salsa without a male partner.

Single men should take into account those points. Even if you do not manage to find a match at salsa lessons, at least you move your body and entertain.

Charity Organizations

The next recommendation on how to meet women over 40 is to do charity. Middle-aged women usually want to spend their time usefully. Taking part in charity campaigns is the best way to do that. These campaigns include organizing celebrations for the elderly at nursing homes, fundraising, collecting garbage in a local park. It is not only a romantic affair you should look for but true participation. Involvement in charity organizations helps make new contacts with a lot of people.

Where to Meet Single Men Over 40

Soccer Games

Almost every man in this universe is fond of sport, and soccer is one of the most popular. Male fans will adore your excitement for the game. Discussing the hottest moments of the match is a great beginning for relationships.

Group Biking

Single females over 40 also could try group biking. Team sports unite, strengthen, and reveal a person’s hidden traits when some difficulties occur. Athletic, hardy, brave men – isn’t it a dream? Ladies, do not worry about looking not as beautiful as you usually do. Ponytail, sweat, and hard breathing are not repulsive for sportsmen.

Meetup Groups

Women over 40 looking for men should pop in meetup groups for singles. One of the biggest benefits of such over 40 singles events is that everybody came there to find a partner. What you need to do is to be opened so that others know what exactly you are looking for.

It takes little effort to find a meetup group, thanks to the Meetup online platform. You just type what interests you or a keyword into the search bar and choose the most appealing meeting. The meetings can be held online and offline. You can organize your groups for singles over 40 to increase your chances, too.

Art Festivals

Music festivals and art exhibitions belong to the list of the best places to meet men over 40. There is no need to visit Louvre; it is enough to go to your local art museum and make some acquaintances with citizens.

Attend a Lecture

Nowadays, professional coaches organize a huge amount of fascinating lectures. Speakers touch upon various topics, and you can meet many interesting people there. A lecture might give you a stimulus to develop in some new field, too. That will bring new (including single) people into your life.

Health Resort

How to meet a man after 40 if I want to do nothing? There is only one way – going to a health resort. These places are extremely popular among middle-aged people, and many of them go there not to improve their health but to have an affair or find love. A relaxed and romantic atmosphere helps start relationships.

If Nothing Works, Go Abroad

Many couples of 40s singles dating advice to go abroad and meet people there. Everybody gets interested in a foreigner because people enjoy meeting new beautiful cultures. Traveling abroad is an amazing opportunity to broaden your horizons and find love.

Dating Over 40: What’s It Like?

A 40-year-old woman dating is a unique experience. There are some differences between the dating you did in your twenties and the dating that you do over forty, but there are also some similarities. As a result, knowing how to navigate the world of dating is easier than you might imagine.

After you chose the best dating sites for women over 40 and find your perfect match by “single women in my area” request or any other, there are many crucial aspects to consider before you go further with your relationship and meet your beau in person. For example, you should always make sure everyone feels safe. You can do this by making sure the other person has a way to get home or reach you if they need to. You should also make sure they want to be there, as well. As women age, they become more sensual and open to communication. For men, they may take longer to settle down with a single woman. Here are factors both sides must take into account before deciding to date a 40-year-old single woman. 

The Best Approach Is to Take Things One Step at a Time

When you go on a first date, you’re not necessarily making a lifelong commitment. If you want to pursue a long-term relationship with the person, take some time to think about where you want the two of you to be a month or two from now. Further conversations will help you find out whether you have anything in common, and whether you’d like to consider taking things further. If you’re dating over 40 and trying to find love, it’s likely you’ve realized the importance of a relationship going slowly. There is no need to rush things between you and a potential partner. Take things slowly until you get to know each other.

Keep an Open Mind and Try to Be Understanding

As you get older, you start to think differently about your past and present: some mature single ladies develop more positive feelings about themselves, while others feel sadder and more self-critical. But don’t give up on yourself! You can always be stylish, attractive, and appealing with the right attitude. Many women over 40 have a natural beauty and magnetism that younger women can only dream of. Making excessive demands of your partner, whether to meet your needs or to make you happy, is not a good idea. Your partner already has established priorities that are unlikely to change in the near future.

Make Only Reasonable Demands

As people get older, the nature of their relationships changes and they have different expectations of each other. When you’re young and you meet single women, you overlook character flaws in your search for love. At maturity, you want a meaningful relationship with someone who is accomplished and reliable. It’s not reasonable to expect a middle-aged woman to live up to the expectations of a young girl. ​​Stay open to possibilities. Don’t be overly demanding of a person who may have already made one’s fair share of compromises. This is where the skills you have honed during the dating years start to pay off.

Last Words

Dating in middle age is hard but not impossible. There are many things to do when you’re 40 and single – traveling, doing sports, starting a new hobby. We gave you a list of the best places to meet your peers. Now, ladies and gentlemen, go there and make new contacts so that nobody calls you ‘single over 40’ ever again.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why Do I Always Have Problems With Dating Singles Over 40?

• You have too high expectations for your partner and demand impossible things.
• You never concede. This regards especially middle-aged people, who have a certain mindset and do not want to change.
• You try to look perfect, and when the truth about you is revealed, you become a completely different person in the partners’ eyes. Illusions and masks cannot be a basement for healthy relationships.

Does the Fact That I Have Kids Scare Singles Away from Me?

It does not. Single women over 40 clearly understand that a man of this age has got children. Moreover, if a woman does not care about kids from your previous relationships, it is a sign that she doesn’t take you seriously.

What if I Stay Single Forever?

It is normal to be single for the rest of your life if you feel happy and comfortable. People say it is better to remain single and enjoy your life than to live with someone who makes you feel lonely and unhappy. But make sure you do it not for fear or insecurity. If so, it is worth visiting a professional psychologist.

Our Expert

Amy Lange

Amy is and experienced dating coach specializing in singles for over 40. She helped more than a thousand singles to find their love.

See author's posts

When you're dating in your 40s, you might be looking for a first-time forever match, or maybe you're reentering the scene after a divorce or other hiatus. Maybe you already have your own kids—solo, or with a co-parent—or maybe you still want them… or maybe you don't. But whatever the specs of your dating life are, you'll likely find that there are particular challenges involved with dating over 40. From hangups and baggage to sex and technology, here, therapists, relationship coaches, couples counselors, and more explain why dating is so much harder in your 40s.

When you're in your 40s, you know what you like and what you don't like. And it can be harder than it was when you were younger to adapt and welcome a new relationship into your life, with all of the inherent compromise that comes with it.

"Dating is more difficult in your 40s because your life is usually more settled, and doing new things doesn't come as easily as it did in your earlier years," says psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, author of The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty.

Maybe you're dating in your 40s after a divorce—or even if not, you'll likely encounter other divorcees in the dating pool at this stage of life, dating over 45. And that can be a complicating factor.

"The experience of divorce and where you are in the process of getting over one can impact how jaded or emotionally unprepared you feel about the process of getting back out into the dating world," says Dana McNeil, LMFT, founder of group practice The Relationship Place. "Some people start dating right away after divorce or separation. When this happens, it is likely they haven't taken adequate time to process how the divorce impacted them emotionally. … Finding out how long a potential partner has been single is an important consideration before commitment."

There are many ways kids can complicate dating in your 40s. why you should redownload your dating app can play into the equation heavily at this age," says career and relationship coachJulieanne O'Connor. "Often people already have children, or don't yet have children and sometimes feel rushed to do so. And there's the consideration of raising someone else's children."

For divorced parents dating in their 40s, kids are still very much a part of their daily lives. Family and relationship psychotherapistFran Walfish, PsyD, dating over 45, notes that "dating in your 40s is so much harder because dating over 45 divorced people in their 40s still have growing children living at home."

Dating in your 40s can bring to light an uncomfortable disparity: No matter their own ages, men and women may be looking for partners of different ages, dating over 45. Sometimes that's merely a matter of vanity (i.e. "I want to date someone younger and have a trophy on my arm").

Other times, that uncomfortable reality comes about as a result of the kid factor, too. "[Some] women over the age of 40 are not interested in having more kids. However, dating over 45, there are a lot of men in their 40s who are very interested in having children. As a result, there tends to be a lot of men in their 40s who are looking for women in their 30s," says professional dating profile writerEric Resnick. "This can leave the women in their 40s with the feeling that the men in their age group are superficial and have unrealistic expectations."

In your 20s and 30s, you may have regularly gone out on dates—perhaps several in a month or even in a week. But if you find yourself newly single in your 40s, the very notion of dating can feel entirely unfamiliar. "Some people who are newly single in their 40s might not have dated since they were teens. A lot has changed," notes life and relationship coachJonathan Bennett. "It can be difficult jumping right back in when you've been out of practice for many years."ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb

If you often met people to date through friends when you were younger, you might find that doesn't come as naturally at 40-plus, when your social life may be less bustling, as a large quantity of friendships turns to a quality few.

"Meeting through friends is the most common way to find a partner; yet, dating over 45, as people get older, they usually have fewer friends," Bennett says. "You can see how this makes dating more difficult as men and women in their 40s have to rely on anxiety-inducing methods like online dating, approaching strangers in social settings, or even trying singles events."

To that end, finding a relationship over 40 often involves technology—from swiping through potential matches on dating apps to communicating with possible partners via text or DM. And over-40 daters may not love that newer aspect of the game.

"People today have become habitually dependent upon texting that breeds misunderstanding, dating over 45, uncertainty, and distance in the message receiver," Walfish says. "From what I hear patients moan about, there are some things about the archaic ways of dating that I think would be best brought back."

dating over 45 alt="Woman looking at herself in the mirror" width="1200" height="795">

"Dating at 40-plus often becomes more challenging because of the insecurities and judgments that people have about aging," says relationship expert and couples counselorKatherine Bihlmeier. "'I'm too old,' 'My body is not beautiful anymore, 'I don't have anything to offer because I'm not as young as I used to be,' 'Nobody would find this saggy skin sexy'… The list of judgments running through our heads just grows longer."

At this stage of life, dating anxiety for men can be especially critical of potential mates, which dating over 45 result from dating over 45 own past experiences. "If you are divorced or are coming from a relationship that lasted many years only to fail, you tend to be more cautious about who you date. At times, this caution can turn into being overly critical or extremely picky of people you are dating, finding flaws that are not necessarily detrimental to a relationship," says Stephania Cruz, relationship expert and writer for DatingPilot.net. "Being overly critical or picky can hurt the chances of meeting a great person to form a serious relationship with."

When you're dating over 45 your 20s, dating may be the only responsibility you care to prioritize. But when you're in your 40s, it's likely one of many aspects of your life that you're trying to keep afloat.

"Your 40s may very well be the peak of your life in terms of juggling responsibility. You may have a dating over 45 career, family, financial responsibility, and a whole myriad of other endeavors that make searching for a partner and dating that much more complicated," says health and wellness coachLynell Ross. "It's not just about the dating itself, but the host of other things you have to juggle in the background."

In addition to having more responsibility in your 40s, dating over 45, you likely have an entirely different set of priorities—and a timeline that may look different than it did in the past, dating over 45, too.

"When people are in their teens, 20s, and early 30s, meeting new people, partying dating over 45 friends, and socializing is something they desire and look forward to," says dating expert and authorKevin Darné. But sometimes, he says, "people in their 40s and beyond have already had the fairytale wedding and subsequent divorce. Therefore they don't have the same urgency or enthusiasm when it comes to finding a mate as they did in the past. Their top priorities are more likely taking care of their children or elderly parent [or] focusing on dating over 45 career."

When you're in your 20s and go to a party, everyone is single and ready to mingle. But it's not so much the case as we age. "When you're younger, you're around peers dating over 45 are largely single. Very few people have settled down into formal commitments like marriage. Yet, in your 40s, many of your co-workers and natural peers are married and unavailable to date," Bennett says. "The dating pool is smaller and it can lead to frustration."

If you're looking for a serious relationship in your 40s, you could be approaching dating with a bit too dating over 45 intensity, making dates feels more like an interview than a chat with a potential match.

"If you're heading into a date with a checklist of questions and criteria, you're running the risk of making the person feel interrogated and unseen for dating over 45 they are. Keep it as casual and relaxed as you possibly can—and don't beat yourself up too much if you are feeling anxious," suggests Carissa Coulston, PhD, a clinical psychologist and relationship writer for The Eternity Rose. "Just try and let the conversation flow. Chemistry will either form or it won't.

To be clear, standards are important—but setting the bar unrealistically high can be a factor when dating in your 40s. "What made for an ideal mate at ages 16, 18, or 25 dating over 45 will not cut it for us when we're in our 40s," Dating app ghostwriter says. "Once you start acquiring homes, dating over 45, have children, and have a decent amount in your 401(k), you become much more selective. … The higher your standards are, the more competition there is for finding such a person, dating over 45 [there] is also more frustration with each person you meet who doesn't measure up."

In your 40s, you might find yourself hopelessly stuck to a "type"—or avoiding a "type"—based on your own past experiences. "Both men and women are guilty of this," Coulston says. "Perhaps they had one bad experience in the past with a particular person, and are now trying to avoid anyone remotely similar at all costs. However, a 'type' is not always an accurate way of summing up another person. If you categorize a person based on some similarities with someone in your past, you could easily miss out on a partner who is compatible with dating over 45 src="https://bestlifeonline.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2020/03/stressed.jpg?quality=82&strip=all" alt="Man stressed in bed" width="1200" height="800">

Daters over 40 are likely seeking a satisfying sexual relationship as much as they were at earlier stages of life. But sex itself is different in your 40s, which can add awkwardness or pressure to a budding relationship. "Middle-aged sex requires a different focus and some new techniques to be satisfying," Tessina says. "It's no surprise that sex is different for mid-lifers than for youngsters."

Bihlmeier adds that, when dating in your 40s, "all the judgments we as society have of aging and sex come up." "It makes them insecure, and it is hard for them to enjoy themselves," she says.

If you're dating in your 40s, that might represent a different path from the one you had planned for yourself—and that can breed insecurity and a sense of not measuring up as a potential mate. "Whether you are still single, married, or split up, you could be worried about what other people think of you," Ross says. "You could be caught in that awkward time of not feeling old, but not feeling as young as those in the dating scene, and find it easier to avoid dating."

But of course, you shouldn't let your fears stop you from putting yourself out there, dating over 45. Remind yourself of everything you have going for you and how worthy you are of finding love. It's definitely not easy, but it's worthwhile.

Alesandra Dubin

Alesandra Dubin is a lifestyle editor and writer based in Los Angeles. Read more

Last week, I pushed myself to go on the first date I have had in a year. I wasn’t bounding with enthusiasm, at the age of 41, but hope is hard to shake, dating over 45. “Be open to the universe and the universe will throw something back,” a friend advised.

In this case, it flung back a guy who lied on his dating profile about his age, used a photo that looked 15 years out of date and told me a bizarre story about how he had done time on a chicken farm because the prisons in his native country were too full – all, and this was the really confusing bit, for a crime he did not commit.

I may have laughed a little about the experience with my friends – direct access to fresh eggs could be a bonus, after all – but it didn’t stop me from shedding a tear outside Zara afterwards at what my dating life had become.

It hasn’t been all bad, dating over 45, of course, I have had lovely experiences, too. One man I met fairly recently was thoroughly decent, honest and a good laugh – but, sadly, there was no dating over 45. But women in their 40s are likely to have run the gauntlet of hope, heart-sinks and uncertainty that are part of the dating trajectory, from traditional meet-ups to the rise of the planet of the apps.

My process of natural deselection is trawling hundreds of profiles that pass in a blur of torso selfies, confusing group photos and grinning men in their 50s holding out large fish (this choice of profile picture is one of the many mysteries of online dating), dating over 45. I don’t know whether to feel flattered or fatigued by the hundreds of swipe-rights on my profile.

So, I speak to Dr Martin Graff, dating over 45 senior lecturer in psychology at the University of South Wales, dating over 45, who confirms my fears that it is just a numbers game after all. “Men are trying to maximise their chances by swiping on as many matches as possible. Women tend to be more selective, as well as more invested in their own profile,” he says.

Dr Graff, whose research interests include the psychology of online dating, explains why the hours of swiping feel draining. “Online dating is like relationship shopping; it’s the eBay of the dating world,” he says. “But the paradox of choice is that the more you have, the less likely you are to be satisfied.” In other words, while apps offer the illusion of choice, the reality for women in their 40s feels different.

For a start, fewer men in that bracket are looking for women of a similar age, compared with younger men. Graff agrees that men in their 40s are more likely to want a partner in their 30s or 20s. “Older men will look for younger women for their reproductive viability,” he says.

But Graff has not quite razed my optimism to the ground. He thinks online dating is still the most effective way for women in their 40s to find a partner, because people in their 40s tend to be more confident, dating over 45, discerning and instinctive.

That is true for 49-year-old Helen James, an author and single mum from London who has been dating for almost a decade, starting when her son was four. “When my ex left, I became a single mum who was occasionally a single woman,” she says. “I had to shoehorn dating in between mothering. Early on, I realised that the traditional methods of meeting in a bar or at an event weren’t open to me. So, I turned to online dating.”

Helen has attracted men her own age, as well as men more than 10 years younger. She prefers meeting men similar in age, but over the past nine years her attitude has changed significantly in other ways. “At the beginning, I was so stressed and so anxious to build a family that I might have attracted a ‘rescuer’,” she says. “As time has gone by, my son and I have become a tight-knit team. Now, I’m more independent and fulfilled through work. I don’t particularly want someone’s underpants on my radiator or a guy telling me I have too many cushions.”

Maybe I can be a Muslim version of Carrie Bradshaw, a sort of No Sex and the City

Instead, Helen has created “options” dating over 45 three men she meets every few months, each of whom knows about the others. “Life is full of surprises. If someone told me when I was in my 20s what I’d be doing now, I would never have believed them. But you find yourself where you find yourself. I’m authentic, and my life is fuller than it’s ever been.”

It sounds so liberating, dating over 45. I wonder if I, too, will experience less anxiety as I get further into my 40s – maybe become a Muslim version of Carrie Bradshaw, a sort of No Sex and the City?

After years of being online, I did worry that I had suddenly become less “marketable” when the age on my profile finally, dating over 45, callously, flipped from 39 to 40. Dating can leave you feeling vulnerable, but Olivia, a 43-year-old secondary school teacher from Sussex, is impressively stoic. “I take it all with dating over 45 pinch of salt. I don’t put my heart and soul into it, in case it doesn’t work out.” She is selective, meeting men only after putting them through her own “filtering” system.

Olivia often finds that men want casual hook-ups, but she is looking for a meaningful relationship. She has tried the “organic” route of meeting someone in real life, without success. “By the time I was 30, most of my friends were already in relationships and they only knew couples, so when we went dating over 45 I was meeting men who were already taken.”

What about speed dating? “I tried it once; it’s not really for me,” says Olivia. For Helen, though, it offers the best answer to dating woes, since it combines numbers with the chance of chemistry. However, she says that “not many speed dating events cater well for women in their 40s”.

Sarah Payne, the events manager for a site called SpeedDater, says she has seen an increase in women in their 40s attending their events. However, she says there can be a mismatch in interest: “We find that the women like activity-based events such as wine tasting, cooking, and salsa dancing”, as do younger clients, whereas older men tend to be less keen on activities.

But there can be consolation where there is no click, Payne adds: she says speed dating has nurtured a culture of female bonding. “A lot of the women comment on how lovely it is to meet other single women, dating over 45. They exchange numbers to attend events together in the future, as dating over 45 have fewer single friends to do things with,” she says.

This chimes with me: looking for a partner has resulted in me finding more friends – or at least opening different avenues in life, dating over 45, if not in love. One guy became a genuine figure of support for my work. Another has tried to introduce me to potential matches, as I have for him. Also, the number dating over 45 married women who tell me that they envy my freedom, and that I should savour my best single life, has been eye-opening.

At this stage in my life, as opposed to in my 20s or 30s, I know myself better, I have a broader notion of happiness and I approach dating with a far more dating over 45 mind than I did previously, dating over 45. Dating – either online or in real life – requires courage, resilience and willpower. Being yourself and opening yourself up to the universe, whatever it chooses to give back, is something I will continue to embrace.

We’re breaking free from the excuses for good. Check out three misconceptions about dating after 40 and step back into the scene with a confident heart.

After being out of the dating game for 15 years, I found myself single at 45. Once I got over the shock and awe of being back in the dating pool, I talked to friends about what it was like to date online.

Oh, the stories I heard.

A few people had beautiful anecdotes to share about finding their soulmate online. My twin sister ended up marrying the first man she went on a date with and they are so blindingly happy that sometimes it hurts to look at them.

More often, though, there were tales of extraordinarily dehumanizing behavior that were heartbreaking to hear. One of my friends found who she thought was her perfect man, only to discover six months later that he lied about his name and age, dating over 45, and was married to a woman who was about to have his child.

Another friend told me half of the men she chatted with would eventually ask her to send them naked photos or Skype in the nude.

This was a little disheartening to hear.

The really interesting thing about all of these narratives is they came from people who consider themselves to be conscious singles. Many of them used niche dating sites for people who are green, spiritual, or want to experience relationships on a deeper level.

It was a bit of a shocker to me that there would be such an abundance of bad behavior on these types of dating sites. My friends unanimously chalked it up to one thing: all the good ones our age are already taken.

I decided to take the plunge anyway and—three years later—I completely disagree with them. The majority of my experiences with online dating have been overwhelmingly positive. I’ve only had dating over 45 handful of negative experiences and, in all honestly, I kind of saw them coming but chose to ignore the warning signs.

My reasons for ignoring those signs were generally superficial. In one situation I thought to myself, “Well, this guy may be a little crazy, but he is a dead ringer for John Cusack.” Big error in judgment on my part.

I’ve met some really fantastic men, dating over 45, and I feel blessed to have made a few long term friends out of it. I haven’t found “The One” yet, but in all honesty, I haven’t been looking very hard, dating over 45.

So why have so many of my friends had such a different experience than I have? We are all over 40, dating over 45, relatively attractive, and honest in our profiles. What’s going on here?

I think we attract our expectations.

When I decided to date online, I did so with intention. I didn’t go into it looking for any specific “type,” but I did have a clear cut idea of what I wanted. I intended to attract men who were kind, interesting, dating over 45, genuinely liked and respected women, and were honest. That’s all I asked for—and that’s what I got.

I also decided not to buy into the myths and stereotypes about dating over 40, and I’m grateful I did. My experience debunked quite a few of them.

Here are a few beliefs that might be keeping you from a good online dating experience.

All the good ones my age are taken.

I’ve heard this from both men and women. There’s a stereotype that women are jaded, dating over 45, bitter, and angry at our age, and that men only want one thing, dating over 45. Both generalizations are untrue.

There are over 20 million men and dating app for nerds in the U.S. who date online. Please don’t tell me that there aren’t any good ones out there. I’ve met quite a few of them locally. There are plenty of beautiful people out there looking for love.

This is simply perception. If you assume this is what you are going to get, it’s exactly what you are going to get, dating over 45. What you focus on is what you receive. If you meet someone who just got divorced and is only looking for a good time, don’t get upset or offended. Wish him luck, send him on his way, and keep a clear intention that you’re looking for something else.

The dating pool is thin after 40.

Guess what, folks? According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 50% of the population over 40 is single with 49% female and 51% dating over 45. It’s less likely that the dating pool is thin due to a lack of single people, and more likely that people stop dating because of the discouraging (albeit false) statistics that there’s no one to date.

My list of “must haves” is non-negotiable. Anything less is settling.

When discussing this with my friends, their “must have” lists have quite a few superficial qualities on them. They require their dates have certain body types, incomes, hair colors and lengths, and careers.

The friend who keeps finding men who want naked pictures of her is the biggest culprit with this. Dating over 45 least half of the qualities that are important to her are physical. When I pointed this out, dating over 45, she was a bit surprised that she’d put so much focus on the external. No wonder she keeps attracting men who are the same way!

My best relationship was with someone who wasn’t even close to my “type.” My worst? Someone who was exactly what I thought I was looking for.

Instead, hold the intention that the Universe bring people into your life who will support your growth and happiness, and that they show up for the best and highest good. Isn’t that really all you need?

The Plankton Generation - that's women who are barely visible
and at the bottom of the food chain for romance - just because they're over 45

By Winifred Robinson for MailOnline
Updated:

When it comes to romance, we all like a happy ending — which is what makes a new blog by an older, single woman such a heart-wrenching read.

The woman, who is divorced but says she would love to be married again, describes herself as being ‘on the wrong side of 45 with a brace of kids’ and bewails her place in ‘relationship no-man’s land’, condemned to be alone for the rest of her days.

She writes under the name ‘The  Plankton’, explaining that, like the plankton in the ocean, she is barely visible and ‘at the bottom of the food chain for love and relationships’.

Growing problem: Many over-45s describe themselves as 'invisible' to the opposite sex

Her outpourings, which convey with unflinching honesty the huge difficulties older women can face finding a man, dating over 45, have caused quite a stir on women’s internet chat forums. They have certainly proved a talking point among my single women friends.

‘I almost wept when I read her blog about going to a wonderful party hoping to meet someone,’ my friend Ruthie explained. ‘I have felt like that so often. You know you are being unrealistic and that it won’t happen — yet when it doesn’t, you can’t help being disappointed.’

Ruthie is 47 and one of the most attractive women — of any age — that I know. Never married, she has a son James, now 13, by a man she dating over 45 from before her son was born. Ruthie has been looking for a boyfriend for the past decade. 

Ruthie thought that she would have lots of boyfriends when she got older - just as she did in her younger years - but found this was not the case

‘I always had boyfriends when I was younger and assumed I would again after James was born,’ she says. ‘When he  was three, I started chatting online. These chats were fun — and sometimes quite flirty — but if I ever suggested  we meet, the men would often back  off, dating over 45, saying they were not looking for a relationship.’

A dozen or so dates followed over dating over 45 years, none of them quite right. When she last registered with an online dating site she was 44 — and few men made contact. ‘Forty is a huge cut-off point for a lot of men,’ Ruthie explains. ‘There was just one I dating over 45 and we had a fantastic evening. I was surprised afterwards when he didn’t get in touch.

‘Six months later, he did contact me. It turned out he’d seen some other women when he saw me and gone on to have brief relationships with dating over 45. When those relationships failed, he came back to me and I just felt, “He’ll be off again”, dating over 45, so I didn’t pursue it.’

WHO KNEW?
Divorce in England and Wales in the 45- plus age group rose by more than 30 per cent between 1997 and 2007

For people like me — I’ve been married and out of the dating game for nearly 20 years — the idea that there are vast numbers of single women, but no single men, seems nonsensical. Official florida dating sites free reveal that among those aged 45 to 64 there are equal numbers of men and women living alone, it is only in the 65 and over age group that the lone women outnumber men — and that’s easily explained by the fact that men die younger. So what’s going wrong?

The imbalance, it seems, is because middle-aged men are  looking for partners who are far younger than them. ‘A man can pick from a wider pool of women — his age and under, by several decades,’ The Plankton writes. ‘I have a friend in her late 30s who lives with, and has children by, a man in his mid-60s, dating over 45. He is dating over 45 with grey chest hair and not especially rich. He plucked her from a surfeit of willing women, watching him like vultures before my friend “got” him.’

This may be the case in some  circles, but is it generally true? Sadly, yes, according to Dr Bernie Hogan, a research fellow at Oxford University. He pointed me towards a research website called OkTrends, which draws on data supplied by more than a million members of OkCupid, one online dating nebraska the biggest dating websites in the world. In a report entitled The Case For An Older Woman, it states that 45-year-olds have a much harder time finding romance because ‘the male fixation on youth distorts the dating pool’. 

Age game: Research has shown that middle-aged men are looking for partners who are far younger than them, examples include Michael Douglas, 66 and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones, 41

The typical 42-year-old man will accept a woman up to 15 years younger, but no more than three years older — and the women he enters into online conversation with are almost always at the younger end of the spectrum. The typical woman, dating over 45, by contrast, states she’d like to meet dating over 45 man a few years older or younger than herself — and these are the men she contacts.

These attitudes explain why many over-45s — including The Plankton — describe themselves as dating over 45 to the opposite sex. Charlotte Dating over 45 is divorced and lives in Newmarket, Suffolk. Aged 53, she works as  a secretary. ‘The hardest time for me is when I come home from work  at six o’clock,’  she says.

‘My two terriers run barking to greet me, but apart from them, there  is silence. I own a lovely two- bedroomed cottage with a beautiful garden, which I enjoy, but night after night I sit  on my own watching TV. It is incredibly boring and I am lonely. Whenever I go out, men do not tend to look at me. I’ve lost a lot of confidence.’

The opportunities to meet other single people tend to peter out as we move from youth to middle age, according to Bernie Hogan. ‘Over 40, most of the people you meet socially will already be in a relationship,’ he dating over 45 out. Which is why online is increasingly regarded as the place where over-40s will have the greatest chance of success.

After scores of dodgy dates, Charlotte Cory found Kevin Parrott although they seemed to have little in common

Bernie Hogan’s department, the Oxford Internet Institute, surveyed 25,000 couples in 19 countries — including the UK — who had been living together for over a year. Of those who had got together within the past 15 years and were aged 40 or over when they met, four out of ten had met online.

But online dating has its own set of rules — and sometimes  brutal behaviour. Sarah Browne is 46 and works in communications for a skincare company. She lives in a large Edwardian balcony flat in Brighton. Sarah has no children and has never married.

‘I keep trying to date men over the internet, but it is often hopeless,’ she says. ‘I can’t count the times a guy has seemed really keen to arrange a date, and then, with sometimes only five minutes to go, I get a text saying sorry, he  can’t make it. I’ve been told they cry off as they have met someone more suitable.’

Yet it’s not always doom and gloom. Charlotte Cory, a writer and artist, left her husband after 20 years and, at the age of 50, started surfing for love online. ‘There are still some very nice men out there, looking to share their lives with women their own age,’ Cory insists.

Some older women may be missing out on the chance of finding love, she thinks, because, bruised and rejected in earlier relationships, they lack the confidence and persistence to keep dating until they find  a match. Lots of people are self-punishing,’ she told me. ‘They go out with a few people and say, “It doesn’t work”, but I have met so many people who have done as I did — and are blissfully happy.’

After scores of dodgy dates, Cory found Kevin Parrott: ‘On our first meeting, he handed me his card,’ she recalls. ‘I read  “Professor Parrott” and nearly fell off my chair laughing. I said, “If I marry you, I’m going to have to change my name to Polly.”’ When they did marry, dating over 45, two years later, dating over 45, she signed herself ‘Polly’ in the register.

Older women may also be scuppering their chances by being too picky. In Cory’s case, she had low expectations of her initial meeting with Kevin because they seemed to have little in common: Kevin is a maths professor, while Cory only scraped maths O-level — and he’d listed ballroom dancing among his interests.

Many studies suggest men who become single after years of  marriage are quick to find a new mate, while women are more cautious

However, there can be a more subtle reason why many women who say they’d love to find a man remain single. ‘Some just don’t want to make the compromises that having a man can mean,’ says Dr Maye Taylor, a counsellor and life coach.

‘Many studies suggest men who become single after years of  marriage are quick to find a new mate, while women are more cautious. For some, it dating over 45 to a positive decision to remain single.’

I contacted The Plankton and she said the huge response to her lament proves there are many older women who feel just as she does. ‘I have had so many comments saying that finally someone has come out and said the unsayable, the self-same thoughts they’ve had for so long, but never voiced to a soul in the world,’ she told me.

‘Perhaps the most moving of all was the one who said she was going to have to unsubscribe to my blog, not because she didn’t agree with it, but because it said everything she dating over 45 ever thought and reduced her dating apps like meetmindful tears every dating over 45 and she couldn’t cry any more!’

So behind this deep sense of loss and disappointment lie many reasons why older women miss out — male attitudes, the dearth of social opportunities, the emotional investment needed to date successfully online.

And many, perhaps even The Plankton herself, would simply rather be alone than with the wrong man. So, no matter how much we might all wish it, when it comes to affairs of the heart, for the older single woman, there just isn’t a happy ending every time.

Read the blog at planktonlife.wordpress.com

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