Downloading a dating app is the easy part. What’s not easy is sweating over the pictures that best represent you (or the ones you want to present to hundreds of single women). It’s also not easy to painstakingly craft a bio that’s equal parts informative and humorous.

But toughest of all? Coming up with that first perfectly witty message the minute you match with someone decent. These days, now that women have seen and heard it all on dating apps, making a lasting first impression seems freaking impossible.

So we asked 20 real women to divulge the perfect one-liners, questions, and messages they wish men would send on mobile apps or dating sites. Oh, and by the way: ‘Hey, what’s up?’ isn’t cutting it. But cheese references might. (No, we don’t get it either.)

Here’s what they said:

“I like when a guy tries to get off the app immediately and says something like, ‘Hey, I’m interested in getting to know you. If you’re down, shoot me a text (insert #).’” – Cara J.  

“Run with something I have on my profile. Personally, I’m obsessed with cheese. The perfect first message would be something like ‘Saw you’re a cheesehead. I’ve been dying to go to this Italian place that serves four-cheese gnocchi—or pairs wine with half a dozen local cheeses. Interested?’ Um, yes, yes I am. Because A) who wouldn’t be into that? And B) you took the time to be unique. Even if we start messaging and I come to find you’re a wackjob and cancel the date, you still astronomically upped your chances than the guy who sent ‘Hey.'” – Victoria G. 

“Something related to my profile or picture that’s relatable. I’ve had a guy say: ‘I’ve been skydiving before, but how incredible was jumping in New Zealand?’ because of a photo I had. I feel like that’s the easiest way to connect with someone—through shared interests.” – Rae P. 

“‘Top 3 things you can’t live without—ready, set, go.’ Disarm me, throw me off (without being creepy), and be original. I’ll be way more inclined to play along. And this shows you actually have a personality…or at least a semblance of one.” – Anne S. 

“I’m actually totally cool with ‘Hey! How’s it going?’ It’s more grown-up and confident than ‘What’s up?’” – Sasha B. 

“Bring up something that’s in my bio or one of my pictures you relate to. Perfect example: ’Hey, What kind of race were you doing? I’m big into fitness, too.’ It shows you’re interested in learning about me (rare among dudes). Remember, the conversation shouldn’t be one-way. And we get to skip the small talk and get right into the conversation.” – Marie L. 

“I’ve actually gotten funny memes as a first message. The one that made me die laughing was a cartoon with pounding heart eyes—basically saying he thought I was attractive but not in a completely weird way. It’s just a better icebreaker than ‘Hey.’” – Samantha M. 

“Start with something like: ‘Totally into your profile and interests. Where were you traveling to?’… or, ‘How long did you live in San Francisco for?’ Target bits and pieces of my profile. I chose to highlight them for a reason!” – Caitlin D. 

“I honestly like a simple ‘Hey, how’s your day going?’ Ultimatums like, ‘Coffee or sleep?’ or ‘You’re gorgeous.’ annoy and freak me out.’” – Amy S. 

“Send a question that relates to something from my profile. It shows you actually took the time to craft a response and didn’t just send a generic ‘Hey, what’s up?’ to every girl on the app. For example, if one of my photos was of me at a concert, make a connection to a concert you recently went to.” – Caroline T. 

“I think the perfect first message is direct. ‘Hey, you seem really interesting. Would love to go out sometime.’ Stay away from stupid pickup lines.” – Rachel D. 

“Point out how awkward dating apps are and poke fun at yourself without being too self-deprecating and blindingly insecure. Say something like, ‘Trying to come up with a clever one-liner to hit you with gave me more anxiety than the SATs. So I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say I would love to get to know you outside the confines of this app.’ You seem sincere and I’m WAY more likely to want to get to know you, too.” – Brielle A.

“Always something witty or about food. Or, start with a question about my pictures or bio. I have a lot with my nephew because he’s important to me.” – Laura W. 

“Something that makes fun of the app and the situation. Like, pretend to be a character from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and say, ‘Hey, I’m Charlie. I like cheese and live with a guy named Frank.’ I would respect that. Though if I didn’t get the reference, then this would just flop.” – Amanda H.

“I like when a guy is engaging. It might be a little overdone, but asking for two truths and a lie is still, to me, a great conversation starter.” – Laura Q.

“Something unique and also relevant to my life via my profile. Ask, ‘Hey, what kind of nurse are you?’ It shows you’re generally interested in getting to know me as a person—not just what I look like. Anything beats ‘Hey, good lookin’.’” – Vanessa P. 

“‘Your perfect Sunday morning: workout, movie, or brunch?’ Depending on my answer, ask: ‘If I play my cards right, would you like to join me for X, Y, or Z sometime?’ This is PERFECT. It’s clever and not too demanding or creepy, because it’s on me to decide when or if it actually happens. If our conversation goes well and I’m feeling you, then I can initiate picking a date.” – Candice H. 

“I like for a guy to show his personality and humor. My now-boyfriend initiated a conversation with: ‘I don’t break apart Kit Kat bars. I eat them whole. Is that a deal breaker?’ I thought this was so weird and funny, I responded immediately.” – Marissa D. 

“Anything that makes you seem not like a complete stranger. Make a connection. I’m a law student, so if a guy draws a connection to the fact he’s in grad school or asks about it, it creates instant dialogue.” – Marianna B. 

“Compliment me on anything but my appearance. Say I fascinate you or you love that I’m really outdoorsy. Guys need to stop defaulting to cheap wins. We see past that—especially if we’re on here to find an actual relationship.” – Rose T.

Today, I’m delighted to say that our blog has been hijacked by the very cool dating expert, Claudia Cox. She is the author of ‘French Seduction Made Easy‘ and is passionate about sharing her expertise on communicating well in relationships especially via flirty texting. She runs the website textweapon.com where she makes the art of seduction look easy peasy. If you haven’t already, head over there and check it out. Over to Claudia for some savvy advice on how to keep that online chat going in the right direction.

Keeping an online conversation going

So you’ve passed the awkward “first contact” stage of online dating. You sent the first message, they replied – congratulations, everyone is onboard and ready to roll!

So, what now?

It can be hard to keep a conversation going with someone you don’t know YET, and who isn’t sitting across the table from you. You want to come off as fun, interesting and flirty, while also being considered serious, smart and trustworthy, right?

Aie, aie, aie… That’s quite a big task to accomplish using just a few messages to and fro! And you know what makes it even harder? Is that you don’t know what makes them tick yet – or even if it’s worth finding out…

If you find yourself stuck one message in, and you want some advice on how to spark up an interesting conversation that will tell you whether this person is worth getting offline for, read on.

1. Ask questions

Pretty much everyone loves talking about “numero uno” – so give your partner an opportunity to start gabbing away! Asking light, simple questions is a sure fire way to keep a conversation going online. The more they answer, the more fuel you’ve got for the conversation. Even better, you’ve just won some major points by flattering their ego (even if it’s just a little).

It’s also a good indicator for knowing if you have found a worthwhile match or not. “How so” you say? Well, if after asking them a mountain of questions, they still haven’t asked you the basics, you can be pretty darn sure they are self absorbed, and not the least bit interested in finding out what you’re all about. Time to move on, nothing to see here folks!

Keep it fun, it’s not a job interview – make your question a little quirky and different. This way you stand out from the rest of the “fishies” and get a better reaction – and please, don’t ask something they’ve already answered on their profile.

2. Get your flirt on

Flirting is fun, but when you’re doing it online you need to be slower about it than normal. Because your partner can’t see you, or the signals you’re sending, flirting too early in an online exchange can be a huge turn-off. Don’t immediately start talking about adult toys or send her a “selfie” at the gym all pumped up post workout. Make sure that you add just a lick of sass to your pre-meet up messages.

Going back to the good old questions, instead of asking him or her something dull such as “what did you eat for lunch?” give your questions a hint of spice. Ask “Why are you a cat person when everyone knows that dog people make better lovers?” Or poke fun at their answers in a flirty way (“Oh, you’re a Star Wars fan? Bet you’ve got Darth Vader pillowcases J”).

Make sure you don’t go overboard. Nothing kills a conversation early on like pushing boundaries waaaay too far (like being outright mean or vulgar).

3. Be honest

When you’re messaging almost anonymously, it can be easy to exaggerate or outright lie to make yourself look better. Don’t do it! One, because it will get awkward if you ever do meet up, and two, it’s human (and often endearing) to have flaws – embrace them, and your partner will too.

If you’re not proud of your height, say, “I’m short, but what I lack in height, I make up for in over-confidence.”

Make your flaws into a joke that you can both laugh about – they’ll be more likely to share theirs, so you don’t get any special surprises when you end up meeting.

4. Know when to take it off (line)

Even if you’re enjoying the online messages, don’t push your luck. Know when to take your virtual relationship offline before it fizzles out. After all, dating is about meeting up face-to-face, hearing their voice, drinking in their smell and feeling their touch.

In my experience, it’s best to meet up earlier rather than later – like before you know everything about each other, and you still both have an air of mystery about you. After all, you want your first date to feel like a first date, not a 10^th wedding anniversary, right?

Online conversation debrief:

Before jumping straight into it with the great advice you’ve just received, commit to memory the following “do’s and don’ts” of online conversation:

For the ladies:

Don’t be negative. Opening up with “I’m so sick of online dating…” makes you seem unenthusiastic… and also like you’ve been doing this for way too long.

Do be complimentary about his photo. Don’t make any jokes about it being photo shopped, the male ego is an extremely sensitive thing!

For the Gents:

Don’t go there. Seriously, men are the worst offenders here – don’t talk about the size of ANYTHING until you at least know what her favorite drink is (and have bought her a few)!

Do keep it light and fun. Don’t write long essays about yourself, which seem extremely interesting to you, but might not be all that easy to reply to. Stick with light, flirty topics that keep engagement levels high.

Well, there you go! 4 tips for keeping the online conversation going like a champ until you meet up in the flesh. Happy online dating!

© 2022 LoveToKnow Media. All rights reserved.

Our Online Dating Message Tips To Get (and Keep) the Conversation Going

So you’ve set up the perfect online dating profile with your best online profile pic. Now how do you start using this profile to start messaging people so you can meet them? It’s going to be awfully hard to meet them if you never communicate with them. While it’s true that there are plenty of fish in the sea …you’re never going to meet one unless you hook them with your fabulous online dating messaging skills. We’re here to suggest 7 messaging strategies and tips to take it to the next level so you can get the very most out of your online dating experience.

The first step is to get out there and start contacting people that you think you may be interested in. Make that first contact. But what good is sending a message if you can’t even get an initial response? You could send message after message trying to start up that first conversation with people you’re interested in. But, if you’re not getting any responses, there may be something wrong with your strategy.

After all, if the message you send never gets a response, what’s the point. If you want a reply, read on. We’re sharing 7 online dating message tips that will actually get you somewhere. All of the major dating sites like eHarmony and Match.com have done countless studies on what seems to drive the most responses on their individual platforms. We’ve distilled these down and added a few of our own to make it easy for you to get the ball rolling with whoever catches your eye.

7 Online Dating Message Tips:

1. Get Going With An Unusual Greeting in Your First Message

Start strong with your salutation.

You’ll want your first impression to do just that—make an impression. So, use an unusual greeting. If someone is getting dozens of messages a day, you need to find a way to stand out from the others. It’s too easy to pass by you if you say the exact same thing that twenty other people say in their first message.

Statistics show that the 3 most popular ways to greet someone in an online dating message were actually bad beginnings.

These top 3 intros to avoid include “hi,” “hey,” and “hello.” “Hi” is the most common first message, used by about 23% of men. So, if you think you’re standing out, you’re actually standing in a group of probably ten or so people.

Sorry if these have been your go-to’s, but it’s time to switch things up. These may be fine in real life where the person can see you and read your body language, but over an online message, that’s not much to start a conversation on.

Instead, opt for options such as the next three most popular greetings, which perform better with response ratings.

These include “how’s it going,” “what’s up,” and even “yo.” All were shown to get more replies than the more standard “hellos.”

When you start with a question, like “how’s it going,” you give the recipient a chance to send a reply with a little more substance. They may tell you about their day, their work, their weekend plans, etc. Then you can respond to those details and, boom, you’ve started a conversation.

Overall, it’s better to use no traditional salutation at all than one of the top 3 introductions listed initially.

No traditional greeting at least earns the reply rate of 27%.

Overall, more informal standard greetings did very well. So rather than a simple “hey,” or “hi,” go for a “howdy,” which received almost a 45% response rating!

It may seem a little silly, but at least you won’t be one of the twenty “hey” messages in their inbox. You’ll show that you have at least a little bit of creativity.

2. Start Your First Message with A Question (One That Won’t Get You Stuck)

Out of all the online dating message tips, this one is simple. Lead with a question to get your online dating conversation started.

If you’re still not able to start conversations with the greetings mentioned above, maybe try something a little bit more personalized and to the point.

Browse through the profile of the person that you want to contact and see if there is anything that jumps out at you. Then, make that your conversation opener.

First, find common ground with your girl or guy. For example, maybe you both like hiking.

Then, begin a conversation about it by asking a question. With our example, you could ask them “Where do you like to hike around here?” or “What’s the best hiking trail you’ve ever been on?” Immediately, you’ll show the recipient that you’re interested in their opinion and that you share a common interest with them. This automatically establishes some foundation of compatibility in their mind.

People normally like talking about themselves, so opening with a question about him or her to get the ball rolling is a good way to improve your response rate. If you jump in by talking about yourself or your own likes, you may unintentionally come across as self-absorbed. Rather than ask about them, you’d rather talk to them about yourself.

About 14% of men start the conversation by talking about themselves. The three most common topics are their personality, career, and interests. These are definitely important topics to cover, but maybe start the conversation by asking about them and wait for your information to come up organically.

On a side note, if you ask about them but they never turn the question around to ask about you, that’s a good sign that they aren’t particularly interested. Even if they are interested, that’s a relationship red flag.

The goal is to start a conversation, not ask a one-sided or super general question such as, “what’s up?” This may still leave you hanging.

While “How are you?” or “How’s your weekend?” are indeed both questions, these don’t actually start a substantial conversation. Within a couple of messages, the conversation may peter out.

More specific questions are the gas that keeps a convo going, so think of something more interesting or specific to ask than a “what’s up?”

3. Don’t Compromise The Convo With Physical Comments & Compliments

Data shows that avoiding physical compliments will benefit you in the end.

While this advice holds true for both sexes, it is mostly directed at men, considering they are more likely to mention looks in the first contact. In fact, 31% of men compliment women’s appearances. Of those, 51% sent a general message like “you’re hot” and only 22% of them sent something specific like complimenting their eyes or their smile.

It might sound strange, but no one wants to hear these physical compliments from someone that they don’t know. Data shows words like “sexy,” “beautiful,” “hot,” and “cutie,” do not receive many responses. It can come across as creepy.

Also, if the person that you are messaging is looking for a long-term relationship, a message about their looks may send the signal that you’re just looking for something casual and physical. Because you may not be sure what this person is looking for in a partner, it’s better to save these kinds of compliments until you’ve established some sort of foundation for the relationship.

Although, as we all know, people normally enjoy compliments, they’re not as big on pick-up lines. This especially holds true in situations when you have not met in person. Pick-up lines are usually seen as cheesy and impersonal. The same pick-up line could be used on the person after person.

If you aren’t taking the time to learn something about the person that you are messaging, they will be able to tell.

So, instead of messaging someone that they are “gorgeous,” mention the words “awesome,” “fascinating,” or “cool,” if you want to give a compliment. These words show much higher response rates.

Tell them that an attribute on their profile is interesting to you. To go with our earlier example, maybe the recipient has been hiking somewhere cool, like the Rocky Mountains. You could say, “It’s awesome that you’ve hiked in the Rocky Mountains. I’ve always wanted to go there.”

This will give them an opportunity to talk about their experience. It will also show them that you’re interested in getting to know who they are as a person instead of just being interested in their appearance.

4. Specifics = Success

If you’re hopelessly messaging and not really looking for a response (which likely isn’t you if you’re reading this post), then go ahead and continue holding vague and general conversations.

But if you want to hear back, bring up specifics.

Specific interests and precise reference words for those—such as “zombie,” “band,” “tattoo,” “literature,” to name a few popular ones—show to be successful.

These keywords are a little bit random and all of them will not work on every person. The main idea behind the success of these keywords is that you’re sharing more information. Instead of just saying “I like to watch TV,” maybe you can say “I love zombie shows.”

These kinds of messages are especially helpful if you notice a common interest in the other person’s profile. Maybe they show an interest in a specific band or video game that you like.

Bring this up in the first message, but make sure that you’re not just focusing on yourself. For example, you could say, “I saw on your profile that you’re a big fan of The Walking Dead. I love zombie shows! Do you watch Fear of the Walking Dead too?”

This establishes common ground and shows the recipient that you want to hear more about them.

The bottom line is: Leave the basics behind.

Research shows that most “niche” words have a positive effect on messaging.

Try talking about particular things that interest you or details that you might have in common with your message receiver.

5. “Don’t” Do “Dis”

You can consider all of the online dating message tips in the world, but if you aren’t literate when you put them into practice, it won’t do you much good. You need to be able to write well. How you say something is just as important as what you’re saying.

What do netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling say about you? Well, it’s not good, as these are all huge turn-offs and tend to make a terrible first impression.

Having poor language skills is a strong deal-breaker.

“Ur,” “u,” “wat,” and “wont” likely won’t get you any replies. These messages can look like scams or make you appear unintelligent. Both of which the recipient of your message probably is not interested in.

Instead, put your elementary education into play by using correctly spelled, fully written out words, with apostrophes where appropriate.

Correctly written but otherwise everyday words such as “don’t” and “won’t” (notice they include the appropriate apostrophe) have nicely above average response rates of 36% and 37%.

Not using proper grammar and spelling can also tell the person that you’re messaging that you’re lazy. They may think that you don’t really care about making a good first impression, which can cause them to believe that you don’t really care about being with them either.

There are exceptions to every rule, however.

In this case, the “no netspeak” rule isn’t set in stone since expressions of amusement are in fact accepted.

Go ahead and use “haha” and “lol” as you please, because both turned out in the sender’s favor with 45% and 41% reply rates.

Although less popular than “haha” and “lol,” another success was “hehe,” which received a 33% chance of response.

There really isn’t a lot of other ways to express that you think something is funny is a message. “Haha”s and “lol”s will convey that you are friendly and easy-going. If you never use those in your messages, you may come across as very serious and maybe even upset or rude.

The specific rules regarding netspeak are fluid. Play around with it a little bit. If you notice that you aren’t getting many replies, try writing them in a more formal or more polished way.

6. Keep It Short & Simple

Your first message should be sweetly simple and stay short. The average message is about 20 words. In my opinion, this is still too long. Try to keep it short, but definitely keep it under twenty.

Express your interest in their profile, and add in a question or two about things that you share in common.

A long message with many lines or paragraphs is too much and can overwhelm and turn the receiver (if they even finish reading it all).

The more you over-write, the more likely you are to come on too strong. The person receiving this message does not know you, and you don’t really know them. Sending a long message at first contact is odd. That pretty much means that you’re either assuming things about them or you’re only talking about yourself. Both of those are unattractive.

Since the goal of your first message is to continue the convo and get to know each other, leave the receiver wanting more (as opposed to already knowing too much)!

Don’t be an over-sharer. Wait for the appropriate time to give information about yourself. Make sure that the person you’re messaging is interested in you before you go on and on about yourself.

Also, maintain a message that is simple to start.  What do you think of these online dating message tips so far?

While some people make the mistake of leading with a long list of questions on a range of topics, it’s best to just pick one detail you think is cool or something you’re curious about and stick with it to start.

The person receiving the message doesn’t want to feel like they’re filling out a questionnaire or taking a test. If you ask a lot of questions, you won’t really be able to fully talk about any of the answers. If you ask about just one thing at a time, you show that you really care about the answers and it gives you an opportunity to build a conversation around it.

7. Don’t Let Your Message Ratio Get Out Of Whack

In general, aim to maintain a 1:1 message ratio.

Multiple messages will overwhelm the receiver.

Unless you want to be classified as a crazy person or annoyingly needy, keep your messages to this plain ratio. You don’t want to be known as a “double texter.”

Messaging someone more than once without getting a reply is the quickest turn-off you can try. There are screenshots after screenshots online of conversations where one person keeps messaging without ever getting a response. It’s completely against messaging etiquette.

So then what do you do once you’ve messaged someone?

It’s simple—you wait.

Either has the patience or set your sights on something new, such as the thousands of other single people who could reciprocate interest.

Whether you realize it or not, repeat messages send even another message on top of what you’ve explicitly typed—“I am a needy creep with boundary issues.” If you send message after message, it can come across like you want to know what that person is doing every second of the day. That can be really overwhelming if you don’t actually have a relationship with the person sending the messages.

So, resist the urge! Do not send multiple messages.

 In conclusion

All of these rules are just tips to help you get the conversation going. Some may work for you and some may not. Sometimes, no matter what you do, the recipient just isn’t interested for some reason. So, test out some different techniques and remember that sometimes you just have to move on to another person who may be more interested.

What online dating message tips do you have for us? Let us know in the comments how you make online dating work for you and/or which approaches you’ve tried have left you without a reply!

About the Author:

Claire Bahn has over 15 years of working as a personal branding expert helping clients build authority and influence through their online profiles and social media accounts.

Her background includes branding, public relations, Social Media and marketing, as well as, entrepreneurship. She has a passion to help executives, entrepreneurs and influencers strategize and create their best personal brand.

She is currently the CEO and Co-founder of Online Profile Pros and Stratus Branding. Ms. Bahn recognizes that first impressions are made online and the fastest way to achieving your goals is by taking command of your personal brand through your online profiles and social media. She started Online Profile Pros and Stratus Branding to help individuals create, maintain and protect their personal brands so that they achieve the authority, influence and trust the need to succeed at online dating or their job search.

She’s been featured in numerous publications and news outlets including Forbes and Entrepreneur magazines.

Ms. Bahn is a former model and actress, appearing in national ad campaigns for major retailers. An avid fashion/lifestyle blogger she’s a recognized influencer. Ms. Bahn holds a BA from the University of Texas at Austin and currently lives in the Hollywood Hills in Los Angeles, CA with her 2 red miniature pinchers, Beau and Trixie.

What to say on dating apps when the conversation is dragging

1 “What fun things have you done recently?”

2 “Tell me more about XYZ.”

3 “So, you were saying…”

4 “I saw something that made me think of you!”

5 “What’s your opinion on…”

6 “Here’s my phone number.”

7 “What’s your favorite thing to do over the weekend?”

Tired of not getting responses to the messages you send on online dating sites and apps?

Whether it’s Match.com, OkCupid, POF, Tinder, or Hinge, sending that first message to a girl you really like and getting no response is one of the worst things about online dating.

Especially when it happens over and over.

That’s a big reason why many online daters give up entirely within just a few months.

But don’t throw in the towel just yet – we’ve got 11 online dating first message examples that work like magic to get responses, and you can use them today!

Revealed: The Opening Line No Woman Can Resist! [Access Now]

Not only will you get proven-to-work examples you can use right now, you’ll also get the online dating message tips you need to come up with your own unique conversation starters – and the best times to send them.

Just follow the expert advice in this short article and watch your inbox fill up with women who are excited to meet you in person!

First Message Strategy #1: Go For Laughs

Funny online dating messages get responses because women naturally find guys with a sense of humor attractive. It’s true – scientists have proven it.

But the key to having a successful first message, of course, is actually being funny.

On Tinder, you can pair an attention-grabbing GIF with a humorous message…

Message Example #1:

On a dating site like Match.com or POF, you could make a joke about the shared experience of scrolling through profile after profile…

Message Example #2:

Finding common ground is a pro move, because if you can make her think the two of you are similar she’s more likely to respond.

Women are simply more comfortable around people who remind them of themselves.

Which brings us to our next examples of opening lines…

First Message Strategy #2: Connect On Common Ground

Travel makes an awesome subject for a first message because it’s something most women enjoy doing, or at least enjoy dreaming about.

Message Example #3:

And who doesn’t like to at least think they have a great sense of adventure? It's a topic you'll find mentioned in just about every person's profile.

Many online dating sites have keyword searches, so you can filter for women who also enjoy a certain hobby.

So if you’re into skiing, you can send a “stock” message about a certain topic to any interesting women who mention it in their profiles.

Message Example #4:

On a dating app like Tinder or Bumble, you can take a quick glance at her photos and bio to see if any common interests jump out.

For instance if you find you both love dogs, this would be a good first message for online dating…

Message Example #5:

You’ll save a ton of time once you have a “go-to” copy and paste message for any hobby that you’d like to share with your matches. (Skeptical about the effectiveness of copy & paste? Read this article.)

First Message Strategy #3: Inspire A Craving

Message Example #6:

(Note: A long message like this example is a better fit for dating sites like Match, OkCupid or POF. You’re going to want to keep your messages quite a bit shorter on apps like Tinder and Bumble.)

Certain words are attention-grabbing because they sound delicious. Chocolate, cheesecake, ala mode… who wouldn’t want to keep reading?

Notice how it starts off with a light compliment.

Complimenting her will often give you points, but only if you focus on intangible qualities like intelligence or her accomplishments.

Don’t make the rookie mistake of praising her physical appearance, especially when you're trying to start a conversation with a girl online for the first time.

Tons of guys do it, and she gets tons of messages with some variation of “you’re hot”. Paying her a more meaningful compliment is a breath of fresh air for her.

Mentioning something yummy-sounding works just as well on dating apps. In fact, dating app Hinge discovered girls are 40% more likely to reply to messages about food.

Here’s a short, delicious sounding message that’s perfect for a dating app…

Message Example #7:

First Message Strategy #4: Get Personal

Message Example #8:

It’s basic human nature to love talking about yourself.

In fact, it literally stimulates your brain and makes you feel good.

Ask her an open-ended question that gets her to share something about herself, and she’s instantly in her Happy Place. And the better she feels about talking to you, the more likely she is to share her number.

The example above is more suited for an online dating site where longer messages are the norm, but you can get her talking about herself on a dating app with a short message like this…

Message Example #9:

First Message Strategy #5: Show Off Your Creative Side

Message Example #10:

Most of your competition is sending her lame first messages like “Hey, how was your weekend?” and “Hi, I’m John.”

That’s great news for you, because it gives you the opportunity to shine by asking her an interesting, funny or creative question like this…

Message Example #11:

So What Do All These First Messages Have In Common?

They all accomplish 3 things:

1. They instantly pique her curiosity. If she doesn’t even want to keep reading, why would she bother responding, much less want to meet you in person?
2. They set you apart from the crowd. Remember, if she’s getting tons of messages from guys just like you. You’ve got to out-message them every time.
3. They ask her a question. You need to make it as easy as possible for her to respond, and controlling the conversation is a simple way to do it.

Those three elements are crucial if you want to get a response to your online dating opener.

Miss one of them, and she’s moving on to the next person.

The Best Time To Send Your First Message

To increase your odds of getting a response to your message, send them at a time it’s likely to be convenient for her to answer.

Weekday evenings are generally the best time to send an online dating icebreaker. Many women unwind from a long day at work by firing up a dating app while catching up on Netflix.

According to Nielsen, activity on both OkCupid and Tinder peaks at 9 pm, and usage starts to rapidly decline after 10 pm. On Bumble, the real action starts a little earlier, with activity peaking at 6 pm.

And if you happen to find yourself stuck inside due to inclement weather like a blizzard, hurricane or rainstorm, put these first message examples to good use.

NBC News did a little investigating, and found that bad weather goes hand in hand with increased activity on dating sites and apps.

In many cases, the increase was pretty dramatic. During winter storm Juno, activity on Hinge picked up by a whopping 47%, which led to a 56% spike in the number of phone numbers exchanged, and an incredible 96% increase in 2-way message exchanges.

On OkCupid, a little rain translates to a 10% increase in activity on the site. On Match, activity typically increases around 33% during snowstorms, and big storms go hand in hand with a 20-40% increase in Bumble activity.

Throw a pandemic into the mix, and there's never been a better time to download a dating app & start trying to meet someone special online.

No Response To Your First Message? Here’s What To Do Next!

Of course, there’s no copy and paste message that’s guaranteed to start a conversation every time you send it.

There are a ton of variables involved, like your photos and your online dating profile. If those aren’t top notch, our Ultimate Guide To Online Dating has all the tools and tips you need to bring them up to snuff.

Other variables you can’t control, like what she’s doing when she’s reading your message.

If she’s sneaking a peek at her Match messages in between meetings, she may not have a chance to respond and forget to come back to it later.

So if f you don’t get a response, give her a second chance.

Try a light-hearted follow up message like this one…

Second Message Example:

But if she still doesn’t bite, move on.

The more messages you send, the more desperate you look. Besides, there’s plenty more interesting, attractive women out there so focus your efforts on them.

Why Savvy Guys Use Copy & Paste Messages

Now let’s talk about the elephant in the room: copy & paste messages.

A few online dating “experts” will tell you they don’t work. Online daters are too smart to fall for them. They’re a huge turn off.

Blah blah blah. Those guys clearly haven’t done their homework.

Here’s the truth in a nutshell.

Statistically speaking, you’re looking at an uphill battle.

The average guy has to crank out 114 messages in order to be 99% sure of getting one reply – and spend around 6.7 hours a week doing it.

Given that fact, why would you spend tons of time scanning each and every woman’s profile, then writing a message customized just for her?

That's crazy – you don't have that kind of time, especially when it's a numbers game. There’s a much better way to beat those odds, and boost your response rate at the same time.

Here at VIDA, we’ve been using the copy and paste approach since 2009.

Not only do copy and paste messages work, but we get incredible results for our clients with them. Our in-house data doesn’t lie.

Other industry experts recognize the wisdom of the copy and paste method as well.

OkCupid’s Christian Rudder said using template messages not only saves you time in the short term, but they’re a more effective long-term strategy as well.

And even if a woman calls you out on sending a template message, so what?

You’ve gotten a response that you can turn into a conversation. And many intelligent daters recognize the wisdom of using them, like this woman who weighed in on a Quora forum discussion:

When your first message is interesting and creative, the odds are good she’s going to reply to it.

Why? Because when you ask her a question that’s fun to think about and respond to, you’ve sparked an emotional connection.

That’s the reason you’re not getting good results (if any) with first messages like “Hey” and “Hi there”.

Where’s the fun in writing a response to that?

And even worse, you’ve put the burden of continuing the conversation on her, so coming up with a response is work for her.

The hotter she is, the more burdened with messages she gets, so she’ll only respond to the best messages in her inbox.

Nothing kills your online dating game quicker than being dull, assuming she's on a dating app just to hook up, or sounding just like every other guy who's messaged her that day.

Meet More High-Quality Women – Fast!

We’ve shared 11 first message examples that work brilliantly, but that’s only the beginning. You’ll be getting a ton of responses, which means you’ve got to keep the online dating conversation going and ask her out.

You have to keep her attention every step of the way, and build attraction with every message. Yup – there’s a reason so many guys complain that modern dating is exhausting.

You can skip all that stress, and go straight to the dates.

With VIDA, it’s really that easy. Our online dating experts handle your profile, your photo, and all that tedious back-and-forth messaging. All you do is show up for the dates! Click here to find out more.

From personal ads that began appearing in publications around the 1700s to videocassette dating services that sprang up decades ago, the platforms people use to seek out romantic partners have evolved throughout history. This evolution has continued with the rise of online dating sites and mobile apps.

Today, three-in-ten U.S. adults say they have ever used an online dating site or app – including 11% who have done so in the past year, according to a new Pew Research Center survey conducted Oct. 16 to 28, 2019. For some Americans, these platforms have been instrumental in forging meaningful connections: 12% say they have married or been in a committed relationship with someone they first met through a dating site or app. All in all, about a quarter of Americans (23%) say they have ever gone on a date with someone they first met through a dating site or app.

Previous Pew Research Center studies about online dating indicate that the share of Americans who have used these platforms – as well as the share who have found a spouse or partner through them – has risen over time. In 2013, 11% of U.S. adults said they had ever used a dating site or app, while just 3% reported that they had entered into a long-term relationship or marriage with someone they first met through online dating. It is important to note that there are some changes in question wording between the Center’s 2013 and 2019 surveys, as well as differences in how these surveys were fielded. Even so, it is clear that websites and mobile apps are playing a larger role in the dating environment than in previous years.

The current survey finds that online dating is especially popular among certain groups – particularly younger adults and those who identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB). Roughly half or more of 18- to 29-year-olds (48%) and LGB adults (55%) say they have ever used a dating site or app, while about 20% in each group say they have married or been in a committed relationship with someone they first met through these platforms. Americans who have used online dating offer a mixed look at their time on these platforms.

On a broad level, online dating users are more likely to describe their overall experience using these platforms in positive rather than negative terms. Additionally, majorities of online daters say it was at least somewhat easy for them to find others that they found physically attractive, shared common interests with, or who seemed like someone they would want to meet in person. But users also share some of the downsides to online dating. Roughly seven-in-ten online daters believe it is very common for those who use these platforms to lie to try to appear more desirable. And by a wide margin, Americans who have used a dating site or app in the past year say the experience left them feeling more frustrated (45%) than hopeful (28%).

Other incidents highlight how dating sites or apps can become a venue for bothersome or harassing behavior – especially for women under the age of 35. For example, 60% of female users ages 18 to 34 say someone on a dating site or app continued to contact them after they said they were not interested, while a similar share (57%) report being sent a sexually explicit message or image they didn’t ask for.

Online dating has not only disrupted more traditional ways of meeting romantic partners, its rise also comes at a time when norms and behaviors around marriage and cohabitation also are changing as more people delay marriage or choose to remain single.

These shifting realities have sparked a broader debate about the impact of online dating on romantic relationships in America. On one side, some highlight the ease and efficiency of using these platforms to search for dates, as well as the sites’ ability to expand users’ dating options beyond their traditional social circles. Others offer a less flattering narrative about online dating – ranging from concerns about scams or harassment to the belief that these platforms facilitate superficial relationships rather than meaningful ones. This survey finds that the public is somewhat ambivalent about the overall impact of online dating. Half of Americans believe dating sites and apps have had neither a positive nor negative effect on dating and relationships, while smaller shares think its effect has either been mostly positive (22%) or mostly negative (26%).

These findings come from a nationally representative survey of 4,860 U.S. adults conducted online Oct. 16 to 28, 2019, using Pew Research Center’s American Trends Panel. The following are among the major findings.

Younger adults – as well as those who identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual – are especially likely to use online dating sites or apps

Some 30% of Americans say they have ever used an online dating site or app. Out of those who have used these platforms, 18% say they are currently using them, while an additional 17% say they are not currently doing so but have used them in the past year.

Experience with online dating varies substantially by age. While 48% of 18- to 29-year-olds say they have ever used a dating site or app, that share is 38% among 30- to 49-year-olds, and it is even smaller among those ages 50 and older. Still, online dating is not completely foreign to those in their 50s or early 60s: 19% of adults ages 50 to 64 say they have used a dating site or app.

Beyond age, there also are striking differences by sexual orientation. LGB adults are about twice as likely as straight adults to say they have used a dating site or app (55% vs. 28%). And in a pattern consistent with previous Pew Research Center surveys, college graduates and those with some college experience are more likely than those with a high school education or less to say they’ve ever online dated.

There are only modest differences between men and women in their use of dating sites or apps, while white, black or Hispanic adults all are equally likely to say they have ever used these platforms.

At the same time, a small share of U.S. adults report that they found a significant other through online dating platforms. Some 12% of adults say they have married or entered into a committed relationship with someone they first met through a dating site or app. This too follows a pattern similar to that seen in overall use, with adults under the age of 50, those who are LGB or who have higher levels of educational attainment more likely to report finding a spouse or committed partner through these platforms.

A majority of online daters say they found it at least somewhat easy to come across others on dating sites or apps that they were physically attracted to or shared their interests

Online dating users are more likely to describe their overall experience with using dating sites or apps in positive, rather than negative, terms. Some 57% of Americans who have ever used a dating site or app say their own personal experiences with these platforms have been very or somewhat positive. Still, about four-in-ten online daters (42%) describe their personal experience with dating sites or apps as at least somewhat negative.

For the most part, different demographic groups tend to view their online dating experiences similarly. But there are some notable exceptions. College-educated online daters, for example, are far more likely than those with a high school diploma or less to say that their own personal experience with dating sites or apps is very or somewhat positive (63% vs. 47%).

At the same time, 71% of online daters report that it was at least somewhat easy to find people on dating sites or apps that they found physically attractive, while about two-thirds say it was easy to find people who shared their hobbies or interests or seemed like someone they would want to meet in person.

While majorities across various demographic groups are more likely to describe their searches as easy, rather than difficult, there are some differences by gender. Among online daters, women are more likely than men to say it was at least somewhat difficult to find people they were physically attracted to (36% vs. 21%), while men were more likely than women to express that it was difficult to find others who shared their hobbies and interests (41% vs. 30%).

Men who have online dated in the past five years are more likely than women to feel as if they did not get enough messages from other users

When asked if they received too many, not enough or just about the right amount of messages on dating sites or apps, 43% of Americans who online dated in the past five years say they did not receive enough messages, while 17% say they received too many messages. Another 40% think the amount of messages they received was just about right.

There are substantial gender differences in the amount of attention online daters say they received on dating sites or apps. Men who have online dated in the past five years are far more likely than women to feel as if they did not get enough messages (57% vs. 24%). On the other hand, women who have online dated in this time period are five times as likely as men to think they were sent too many messages (30% vs. 6%).

The survey also asked online daters about their experiences with getting messages from people they were interested in. In a similar pattern, these users are more likely to report receiving too few rather than too many of these messages (54% vs. 13%). And while gender differences remain, they are far less pronounced. For example, 61% of men who have online dated in the past five years say they did not receive enough messages from people they were interested in, compared with 44% of women who say this.

Roughly seven-in-ten online daters think people lying to appear more desirable is a very common occurrence on online dating platforms

Online daters widely believe that dishonesty is a pervasive issue on these platforms. A clear majority of online daters (71%) say it is very common for people on these platforms to lie about themselves to appear more desirable, while another 25% think it is somewhat common. Only 3% of online daters think this is not a common occurrence on dating platforms.

Smaller, but still substantial shares, of online daters believe people setting up fake accounts in order to scam others (50%) or people receiving sexually explicit messages or images they did not ask for (48%) are very common on dating sites and apps. By contrast, online daters are less likely to think harassment or bullying, and privacy violations, such as data breaches or identify theft, are very common occurrences on these platforms.

Some users – especially younger women – report being the target of rude or harassing behavior while on these platforms

Some experts contend that the open nature of online dating — that is, the fact that many users are strangers to one another — has created a less civil dating environment and therefore makes it difficult to hold people accountable for their behavior. This survey finds that a notable share of online daters have been subjected to some form of harassment measured in this survey.

Roughly three-in-ten or more online dating users say someone through a dating site or app continued to contact them after they said they were not interested (37%), sent them a sexually explicit message or image they didn’t ask for (35%) or called them an offensive name (28%). Fewer online daters say someone via a dating site or app has threatened to physically harm them.

Younger women are particularly likely to encounter each of these behaviors. Six-in-ten female online dating users ages 18 to 34 say someone via a dating site or app continued to contact them after they said they were not interested, while 57% report that another user has sent them a sexually explicit message or image they didn’t ask for. Other negative interactions are more violent in nature: 19% of younger female users say someone on a dating site or app has threatened to physically harm them – roughly twice the rate of men in the same age range who say this.

The likelihood of encountering these kinds of behaviors on dating platforms also varies by sexual orientation. Fully 56% of LGB users say someone on a dating site or app has sent them a sexually explicit message or image they didn’t ask for, compared with about one-third of straight users (32%). LGB users are also more likely than straight users to say someone on a dating site or app continued to contact them after they told them they were not interested, called them an offensive name or threatened to physically harm them.

Online dating is not universally seen as a safe way to meet someone

The creators of online dating sites and apps have at times struggled with the perception that these sites could facilitate troubling – or even dangerous – encounters. And although there is some evidence that much of the stigma surrounding these sites has diminished over time, close to half of Americans still find the prospect of meeting someone through a dating site unsafe.

Some 53% of Americans overall (including those who have and have not online dated) agree that dating sites and apps are a very or somewhat safe way to meet people, while a somewhat smaller share (46%) believe these platforms are a not too or not at all safe way of meeting people.

Americans who have never used a dating site or app are particularly skeptical about the safety of online dating. Roughly half of adults who have never used a dating or app (52%) believe that these platforms are a not too or not at all safe way to meet others, compared with 29% of those who have online dated.

There are some groups who are particularly wary of the idea of meeting someone through dating platforms. Women are more inclined than men to believe that dating sites and apps are not a safe way to meet someone (53% vs. 39%).

Age and education are also linked to differing attitudes about the topic. For example, 59% of Americans ages 65 and older say meeting someone this way is not safe, compared with 51% of those ages 50 to 64 and 39% among adults under the age of 50. Those who have a high school education or less are especially likely to say that dating sites and apps are not a safe way to meet people, compared with those who have some college experience or who have at bachelor’s or advanced degree. These patterns are consistent regardless of each group’s own personal experience with using dating sites or apps.

Pluralities think online dating has neither helped nor harmed dating and relationships and that relationships that start online are just as successful as those that begin offline

Americans – regardless of whether they have personally used online dating services or not – also weighed in on the virtues and pitfalls of online dating. Some 22% of Americans say online dating sites and apps have had a mostly positive effect on dating and relationships, while a similar proportion (26%) believe their effect has been mostly negative. Still, the largest share of adults – 50% – say online dating has had neither a positive nor negative effect on dating and relationships.

Respondents who say online dating’s effect has been mostly positive or mostly negative were asked to explain in their own words why they felt this way. Some of the most common reasons provided by those who believe online dating has had a positive effect focus on its ability to expand people’s dating pools and to allow people to evaluate someone before agreeing to meet in person. These users also believe dating sites and apps generally make the process of dating easier. On the other hand, people who said online dating has had a mostly negative effect most commonly cite dishonesty and the idea that users misrepresent themselves.

Pluralities also believe that whether a couple met online or in person has little effect on the success of their relationship. Just over half of Americans (54%) say that relationships where couples meet through a dating site or app are just as successful as those that begin in person, 38% believe these relationships are less successful, while 5% deem them more successful.

Public attitudes about the impact or success of online dating differ between those who have used dating platforms and those who have not. While 29% of online dating users say dating sites and apps have had a mostly positive effect on dating and relationships, that share is 21% among non-users. People who have ever used a dating site or app also have a more positive assessment of relationships forged online. Some 62% of online daters believe relationships where people first met through a dating site or app are just as successful as those that began in person, compared with 52% of those who never online dated.