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I'm 23 years old, and I'm already so disappointed in dating.

You see, by now I thought I would be able to look back and "thank u, next" à la Ariana Grande at my modest list of ex-lovers, but . . . I have none. And I'm ashamed of that. I could have had my fair share of relationships by now. It's not a matter of thinking I'm not good enough or way too good for anyone, either. Things just have never felt right enough for me to put myself in such a vulnerable position with anybody. And a big part of that is because I'm demisexual.

[Dating app culture has made] it that much harder for those of us who need to date at a slower rhythm and really get to know someone first.

Being demisexual means I can't feel any sexual attraction with a person without an established emotional connection. It has everything to do with attraction, both romantic and sexual, and nothing to do with orientation, or what gender(s) you're attracted to. And when you factor this into our current dating sphere (online dating, dating apps, etc.), you may arrive at the conclusion that I'm f*cked — or at least I have.

Dating apps have revolutionized how we score dates and also how we think of potential prospects. Not only are we commodifying others on a regular basis, but we're doing the same to ourselves as part of the modern rhythm of dating and finding love. Of course, casual dating and hooking up are not novel concepts, nor are they wrong if everyone involved is having a good time. But now that we have these apps at the tips of our fingers, this behavior has become the norm for many, making it that much harder for those of us who need to date at a slower rhythm and really get to know someone first.

To keep up with this dating pace, I've forced myself to "get with the times" and be casual about things, hoping that'll be enough for me to be able to feel somewhat of a connection. But like anyone else, I have needs. And I have a trace of a libido. It's just very particular about what it likes. It likes trust and comfort. And as hard (and lonely) as it can sometimes be, I had to start honoring that.

And I know dating apps aren't all bad. A lot of them really do work, and I've heard many cute stories of friends meeting their partners online. Most of these, however, started with casual sex, which, again, is totally cool. It's just that, for me, that's not really plausible.

So how the hell does someone like me find love (and eventually sex)? I'm not sure, but I'm hoping it can still happen. And as disappointed and unsure as I am about my prospects, I still have hope that someone for me is out there. It took me a while to really accept myself for who I truly am, and I'm really proud of the fact that I no longer put myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable. I just hope someone respects that enough to not write me off right away.

I know it might take a while, but I really want things to happen organically. Not fully understanding my sexual identity led me to feel isolated and confused for a long time, but by embracing my true self, I no longer have to compromise. I deserve the best, and if it takes a little longer for me to find that, I'm willing to wait.

While you can view our demisexual dating site on mobile just fine, we do understand the benefit of an actual demisexual dating app. Visitors have asked if there are dating apps for demisexuals. The answer is yes! But there are some downsides. Let us explain.

The downside of (popular) dating apps

There are quite a few dating apps out there for demisexuals to use. Unfortunately they all have their own downsides. Quite a few don’t understand why privacy might be a concern for some demisexuals. Not everyone wants the whole world to know they are demisexual. It will make a huge difference, if the more well known apps consider this and make it possible to hide your demisexual orientation. While still being able to look for similar orientations, without having to pay money. An app that does this well is Bumble.

Another issue is that within a lot of the apps you cannot specifically look for asexuals, demisexuals and graysexuals (unless you pay). From own experience, it seems that both Bumble and OKCupid do allow this option. However you will still see allosexual people in your regular matches. Keep these things in mind and take your time to figure apps out before you download them. Also focus on how safe you will feel on them, before filling in all your information.

ACEapp

This app is currently the only dating app for demisexuals, asexuals and graysexuals that was specifically made for this community. It was released in 2017 and has well over 10,000 downloads. With both positive and negative comments, it’s up to you if this app will work for you.

Important update: on March 8th (2020) a data leak was discovered where users risked a leak of their real name, username, picture, country, and location if they logged during that time. More information about this can be found here.

Update as of 25th of March 2020: “They did do a rollout March 9th, which was misleading to the users, since the issue was not fixed nor does it require a rollout to fix it. We just checked it Monday, May 25th Pacific Time and the issue has not been fixed at all”
– Ryan, PlanetZuda.
(see comment section below this blog)

Update as of June 13th, 2020: “We want to inform you that all the data on ACEapp is completely safe and only authorized users can request and view the data. We recently launched our new update on 4th June in which we have used a new database and a secure environment.” – Rishav Saxena, ACEapp

Update as of May 10th, 2021: Since a few weeks the app is not available anymore. It is not clear if they will come back. We will update if this changes.

Bumble

Safety first
As far as feeling safe goes, Bumble is probably your best bet of all the regular big dating apps out there. They give you the option to hide your (demi)sexual orientation while still being able to search for other specific (demi)sexual orientations.

Downsides?
The downside? Only women can send the first message. And after a match is made, she only has 24h to send that first message. Another issue (but this goes for most dating apps) is that a lot of the features are behind a paywall.

Conclusion
It is still a well made app and has the option for asexuals, demisexuals and graysexuals to find each other in a safe way. Which is why it’s worthy of being in this list.

OKCupid

Potentially good
OKCupid has the potential to be a good dating app for demisexuals. While they’re definitely not perfect yet, they have been focusing more and more on all the different (a)sexual orientations and you are able to select that you’re demisexual as well as looking for other demisexuals. Just keep in mind that allosexuals will still show up in your regular search/match results. This has to do with your membership.

Membership options
If you pay for OKCupid Basic membership you get the option to make your (a)sexual orientation a ‘deal breaker’. Meaning, if the other person isn’t any of the orientations you have selected, they will be hidden from your results. However, Reddit users report that even while using this feature, allosexual people still show up in your regular matches and results. The best way to go about this is going to your ‘highest matches’ as most people who show up here, are indeed from the same (a)sexual orientation as you are looking for. (if this has changed by the time you are reading this, please let us know and we’ll adjust it accordingly.)

Pricing
If you want to see who likes you (before you like them), want to send a message before someone liked you back, or want to search in incognito mode, you’ll have to pay. Pricing for OKCupid basic starts at $19,99 and for OKCupid premium you pay $19,99 if you want to pay for one month only. If you sign up for multiple months the price per month goes down.

Demisexual dating on regular, and LGBTQIA+ apps

Regular dating apps
Another suggestion on the list of best dating apps for demisexuals, is for those who are not afraid to show themselves on dating apps as a demisexual. Use regular, well known dating apps.

The best option might just be to reach as many demisexual people as possible, by joining (multiple) well known dating apps and mention your asexuality in your profile text instead. Do keep in mind that most people on these apps are in fact allosexual and as people on Reddit have mentioned: the amount of matches, likes and messages might decline if you do put your demisexuality or asexuality in your profile. But you’ll get more accurate matches in return.

LGBTQIA+ dating apps
Another option is to browse the Play or App Store for dating apps for the entire LGBTQIA+ community. However, do be extra careful with these and be sure to read reviews both online (Reddit for example) and in the store itself.

Demisexual dating site asexuals.net

Users have asked if asexuals.net also has an app. The answer is no. However, as the community grows bigger, the option will be on the table later on. Until then, you can also use our demisexual dating site (also for asexuals and graysexuals), on your phone. Simply go to our demisexual dating site in your browser on your phone, or sign up right away, and start matching. You can also use our site for finding demisexual friends as it has an option to select what you are currently looking for.

No matter which app or site you end up using, we hope you find your match. Whether it’s an demisexual friendship, or more!

First dates, by and large, are cringe-fests. Someone who seemed perfect in an online profile waltzes in late, doesn’t resemble their photo, and can’t stop talking about themselves. But for people who identify as asexual — or under the asexual umbrella — online dating can be even more exhausting, and often downright fruitless.

Instead of friendly conversation about shared interests, first dates often involve fielding intrusive questions about their orientations and histories, especially from those who don’t believe that their identities are “real.”

“‘Are you sure?’ ‘You know, if we try having sex, I’m sure it would be different,’” says magazine editor Emily Cutler, 23, rattling off a list of unwelcome comments she’s fielded while dating as a demisexual woman. “‘You just haven’t found the right person.’” Cutler has spent a lot of time perusing OkCupid in Philadelphia and now Alhambra, California, and she’s used to men questioning the validity of her sexual identity.

Nathan Lickliter, a 32-year-old heteromantic asexual bank teller who lives on Maryland’s Eastern Shore, first realized he was asexual after reading aGuardian article. Shortly after, he says his manager at work tried to set him up on a date with someone who ended up questioning the validity of his identity. “I told them, ‘Hey, I found this thing and it makes all these disparate pieces of my life click into place.’ And they were like, ‘Oh no, that’s not true, you’re just afraid.’ … I felt crushed.”

Asexuality remains poorly understood by the public at large, and includes a broad spectrum of orientations; some asexual people feel no sexual attraction toward others and may be averse to sex, while others who feel no sexual attraction may still happily have sex with their partners. Other aces (the umbrella term for those on the asexual spectrum) like Cutler identify as gray asexual or demisexual, meaning they sometimes feel sexual attraction once they develop an emotional connection with someone. Some may want romance but not sex; others fall on the aromantic spectrum, meaning they sometimes or never feel romantic attraction. For those who do feel romantic attraction (to men, women, or any combination of genders), that’s where online dating comes in.

But workable online alternatives for aces seeking their preferred levels of partnership and connection are few and far between. Free apps like Tinder and Bumble, and paid services like Match.com don’t have specific mechanisms that allow users to identify themselves as ace, or to filter for asexual and/or aromantic matches. Their options are to include their orientation in their bio, message it to potential dates, or broach the subject in person.

None of these options is perfect, and all provide barriers to aces who want to meet compatible matches, asexual or not. Although asexual-specific dating services exist, they aren’t well-trafficked, and many aces say the lack of accommodation on mainstream apps often makes them feel ignored and frustrated.

“Historically, we just haven’t accepted asexuality as a legitimate sexual orientation, and I think we’ve been only catching up to that in recent years,” says KJ Cerankowski, an Oberlin assistant professor of gender, sexuality, and feminist studies. “If you see the categories that are coming up on dating apps, that’s part of that legacy of just not taking asexuality seriously.”

But as mainstream awareness of asexual identity continues to grow, online dating services are finally starting to do more to acknowledge asexual users. Cerankowski says that knowledge and acceptance of asexuality have surged, particularly since 2010, which they credit to increased activism, scholarship, and pop culture representation.

Among mainstream dating services, OKCupid stands alone in acknowledging aces. In November 2014, it added expansive dropdown options for gender and sexuality, including asexuality and demisexuality.

OkCupid director of product Nick Saretzky acknowledges that infrastructure changes like these aren’t simple — but that they are important nonetheless. “It [was] very complex to change a dating app that had been around for 10 years, and [we] were aware it would be a pretty significant investment in terms of time and money,” Saretzky said by email. “But it was the right thing to do to create an experience that worked for everyone.”

Although OkCupid doesn’t include aromantic options or every gradation on the ace spectrum — including various combinations of romantic and sexual identities — it’s still ahead of the game when it comes to actively including ace users. “You have this one dating app that’s leading the way around gender identity and sexual orientation,” Cerankowski says. “But will the others follow? I don’t know. It probably only matters if it comes down to their bottom line.”

Tinder offers multiple gender options and allows people to select an interest in men and/or women, but that’s where the choices end. There are no identification or filtering options for aces, so if you want to identify as asexual or aromantic, you have to work around the app’s existing infrastructure.

“Users are welcome to authentically express themselves by sharing their sexuality within their Tinder bios and in messages with matches,” says a Tinder spokesperson by email. Although the representative adds that “everyone is welcome on Tinder,” these aren’t welcoming options, especially on an app with a reputation for fostering hasty hookups rather than lasting relationships.

Bumble, a swipe-based app with a feminist bent, encourages people to network and find friends as well as romance. But as with Tinder, there’s no option to select an orientation, ace or otherwise. According to Bumble’s head of brand, Alex Williamson el-Effendi, the app is planning to launch focus groups to research a potential new feature that would allow users to select their sexual orientations. “We want Bumble to be a safe place for people to feel like they can date and connect with people on their own terms and feel like they’re going to be in a community that is respectful and kind and supportive,” she says.

Faced with the limitations of mainstream dating services, some asexual people prefer to stick to ace-specific alternatives, like Asexualitic and Asexual Cupid. It makes sense, in theory: Though many aces happily date outside the spectrum, a pool of like-minded users can be a more comfortable starting point.

However, these sites often have their own pitfalls: unintuitive interfaces, binary gender options, and, perhaps most limiting of all, few active users. (During my numerous visits to Asexualitic at multiple times of day, there were typically five to seven members online; I never saw the number on the homepage hit double digits.)

ACEapp, which launched on Android in June (with pending iPhone and web versions), has a slightly slicker look and a nonbinary gender option, but its pool of users is even smaller than that of other ace-centric sites The app has around 12,000 members, 40 percent of whom live in the US, says founder Purushotam Rawat, a 20-year-old college student from India studying computer science.

“Some people mention about how they met the most important person of their life here, or how they find ace friends in their city with ACEapp,” says Rawat. “If you can help make someone’s life better, there is no better thing.”

But as with other ace-specific services, the user pool on ACEapp is still so small that it can be difficult to make IRL connections.“If every asexual person on OkCupid suddenly was on ACEapp, I would ditch OkCupid,” says Daniel Au Valencia, 24, who identifies as nonbinary femmeromantic gray asexual. “It’s not that there aren’t enough asexual people in the world or in my area. It’s that they’re not on ACEapp.”

There’s also the larger issue of cultural awareness; online dating can be challenging for aces even when they can select their specific orientations, as other people’s biases and misinformation can limit their options. Even if users can clearly categorize themselves as gray-romantic, there’s no guarantee other people will understand or respect what that means. And when multiple marginalized identities are in play, online dating is even more complicated.

Valencia, who is autistic, says some people make the incorrect assumption that all autistic people are repulsed by sex. They, like many people in the autistic and ace communities, do sometimes experience sexual attraction, but when potential matches ignore Valencia’s profile, they can’t help but wonder if a stereotype about one of their identities played a role. “Did that person treat me differently because I disclosed my gender identity or sexuality or my disability?,” Valencia says. “Was it because they saw my last name and they know that I am Latin@?”

Cutler, who met her boyfriend on OkCupid, says that she also worries about how potential partners will react when she says that she’s demisexual, in addition to identifying as autistic, being a survivor of forced psychiatric care, and a Mad Pride advocate. “Are they going to think I’m weird?” she says. “Is this going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Are they going to think that sex won’t ever be an option, or ‘Why waste my time?’”

Although she doesn’t broadcast her demisexuality on her profile — she prefers to explain her orientation in person and then give it a label — she does share information that she feels matters more, like her Mad Pride involvement. That’s why she favors OkCupid; there’s ample room for her and her matches to flesh out their interests and personalities. Relying mostly on pictures, as swipe-based apps like Tinder do, might be exciting for some users, but it can feel empty for those who don’t prize sexual attraction.

Including asexual people isn’t just about adding more genders, sexual orientations, and filters. Instead, platforms that want to make their services safer and more attractive for a wider variety of users — as opposed to just those seeking sex — also need to create space for people’s personalities and interests to shine, not just bathroom selfies, pictures of fish, and Myers-Briggs alphabet soup.

Josephine Moss, a 28-year-old aromantic asexual woman who occasionally dates, has been romantically attracted to only three people in her lifetime. If the social media professional does wind up with a long-term match, she says she doesn’t need that person to be ace. What she does need is someone self-sufficient, resourceful, athletic, and compassionate — someone who could hold their own in the zombie apocalypse, she jokes.

“I want a friend,” she says. “I want a partner for the end of the world.”

If you just don't feel attracted to someone before a friendship develops – and the idea of a one night stand with a total stranger makes your blood run cold – you could be demisexual. The term is a relatively new way to understand and identify your sexual orientation, and refers to people who need to foster a deep, meaningful connection with a potential lover before they fancy them.

Demisexual differs from gender-related terms like homosexual, bisexual or pansexual, because it refers to the nature of the relationship to the people you're attracted to. The emotional bond doesn't necessarily involve love, or even romance – it could be platonic friendship. But without that connection, demisexual people won't feel any attraction, sexual or otherwise.

We spoke to psychological therapist, counsellor and author Michael Padraig Acton about what demisexual means, how to figure out if you're demisexual, and the impact it can have on dating and relationships:

What does demisexual mean?

Demisexual people only feel sexually attracted to someone once they have developed an emotional bond with that person. 'Demi' means half, referring to being halfway between allosexual (experiencing sexual attraction) and asexual (experiencing little or no sexual attraction). For demisexual people, that strong emotional feeling is a prerequisite for getting physically intimate, which can make it tricky to find a partner in the swipe-and-scroll dating arena.

'Demisexual is a term used for people who do not become attracted by aesthetics, gender, power, kindness etc, but instead are attracted by an unconscious and profound emotional connection,' says Padraig Acton. Demisexuality is not a casual preference or a personality trait. It describes psychological attraction, not physical behaviour.

'Imagine being at a bar,' Padraig Acton continues. 'Conventional attraction would see several people that one could find attractive – sexually – even a turn-on. But not so if we are demisexual. Demisexual needs familiarity, closeness and a bond, long before any idea of intimacy may occur.'

It's believed that demisexual people don't feel primary attraction – an instant attraction to someone based on their physical appearance or smell – only secondary attraction, which develops over time. Demisexuality can sometimes come under the greysexual umbrella, which describes a person who tends to experience sexual attraction only occasionally, or regularly feels sexual attraction but isn't very interested in sex.

Since an emotional bond is key to sexual attraction, a demisexual person may develop feelings for another person regardless of their gender identity or sexuality. In addition, a demisexual person might consider themselves to be gay, bisexual, polyamorous or pansexual. They may identify as male, female, trans or non-binary.

Why does the demisexual label matter?

'Hang on', you might think. 'Don't most people wait to feel an emotional connection to someone before having sex? Why bother putting a label on it?'. But there's a difference between wanting to get to know someone before having sex and being demisexual.

Demisexuality isn't a choice about having sex. It's about the ability to feel sexually attracted to someone. Sexual attraction is out of your control – you either have sexual feelings for someone, or you don't. A demisexual person cannot feel sexual desire towards another person until there is an established and intimate bond. They won't lust after Idris Elba or Timothee Chalamet – or a 'hot' waiter at a restaurant – because the feelings of attraction just aren't there.

The term demisexual isn't a way to pigeonhole your sexual identity, but to make sense of it. If you've always wondered why you've never had a 'crush' on a celebrity or stranger, feel uncomfortable when people flirt with you, and can't bear the thought of casual hook-ups, demisexuality can help to provide an answer to those questions.

Just like any other sexual orientation, there's plenty of room for nuance and personal interpretation. Ultimately, it's up to you as an individual to define what your sexuality feels like, how it presents, and how you choose to use that information going forward.

Demisexual vs sapiosexual

For a demisexual person, sexual attraction depends entirely on an emotional bond. A sapiosexual is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, to the point where they consider it to be the most important trait in a prospective partner – more than looks or personality.

You don't need to know someone well to know whether they're intelligent. For example, a sapiosexual person may be attracted to someone after finding out they're a surgeon, scientist or lawyer. Meanwhile demisexual people require an intimate connection, regardless of a person's IQ.

8 ways to tell you might be demisexual

No one can tell you whether you're demisexual – 0nly you know whether the label fits your past experiences and current feelings. And even if the label does fit, you don't have to use it. Fostering a better understanding of your personal wants and needs can help you better navigate future romantic encounters, whether you tell people you are demisexual or not.

'Growing up, we all develop differently,' says Padraig Acton. 'Some people do need more of a connection before having sex. Others can hook up for sex and find a connection in mutual and consensual pleasure. If you are wondering whether you are demisexual, you could well be.'

Below, you'll find 8 common thoughts and behaviours associated with demisexuality. Being demisexual looks different to different people, so you don't need to identify with each and every statement – it's not a checklist, just a guide:

1. Your relationships start as friendships

When you look back on previous relationships, most – if not all – were forged from friendships. You might find that you frequently develop feelings for your close friends, or people you have known for a long time. Some demisexuals may feel comfortable having sex with their friends, even if they aren't interested in them romantically.

2. You have mixed feelings about sex

Sex might not be high on your list of priorities, even when you're in a relationship. You might place higher value on cuddling, kissing and showing affection as expressions of intimacy. You might find you can happily date someone for months or even years without having sex at all – or maybe you fundamentally enjoy sex, but feel anxious or awkward about having it.

3. You've been called a 'prude'

If you're demisexual, you generally aren't interested in one-night-stands and the idea of having casual sex makes you feel uneasy rather than empowered. Even in relationships, you might choose to have sex because 'it's what couples do', or because you hope you'll like it more if you try it. Maybe you focus on pleasing your partner because you find it hard to fully 'let go' physically. It could be that porn does nothing for you, because sex has to be connected to a significant person in your life.

4. You can't find anyone you'd like to have sex with

Being demisexual isn't about your capacity to enjoy sex, it's about sexual attraction. Maybe you're the kind of person who enjoys porn, masturbates, and gets hot under the collar while watching sex scenes in films – but when you try to think of someone you'd actually like to have sex with, your brain goes totally blank. Maybe you hope to spot someone you fancy at a party or the pub, but no one ever jumps out at you as sexually attractive.

5. Looks are mostly irrelevant to you

Physical appearance isn't very important to you – semi-naked beach pics don't start your engine. Instead, you're attracted to personality and exploring shared interests. For that reason, you don't tend to relate when friends point out a 'sexy' barista at the local coffee shop. You'd only feel sexually attracted to the barista if you formed an emotional bond with them over time. You might've been told that you're 'fussy' or 'picky' for that reason.

6. You don't like or don't 'get' flirting...

Maybe you're oblivious as to when people are flirting with you, or it might make you feel uncomfortable and unsure what to say in return. Either way, flirting seems pointless to you. Why waste time exchanging meaningless back-and-forth when you can have a conversation based on deeper, more personal matters? It doesn't mean you don't have a sense of humour – just that you'd rather share jokes based on established interests.

7. You feel a lot of pressure on first dates

If you’re demisexual, you probably like to delve into deep topics on the first date in order to truly get to know the other person. You don't want to lead someone on by dating them unless you know you're attracted to them – but the kicker is, you won't know if you're attracted to someone until you get to know them better. You might find you frequently talk yourself out of going on a date with someone.

8. It's a big deal when you're into someone

When someone captures your attention, you feel deeply for them, and you're not afraid to commit – most of your relationships are long-term. You may find that you couldn't bring yourself to physically cheat on someone, because you don't find anyone else attractive. Additionally, you may feel intense feelings of rejection if you have sex with someone and they ghost you or become emotionally unavailable afterwards.

Demisexual dating and relationship tips

If you're demisexual you may not want a relationship – and if you do, you may not want to have sex. Alternatively, you may want to pursue a healthy relationship and sex life, but feel intimidated by the frenetic pace of online dating culture. However you feel, here's how to navigate dating and relationships as a demisexual:

💟 Use an app with a demisexual category

Dating apps like Tinder and OKCupid allow you to list your sexual orientation as demisexual, which can be useful for finding like-minded souls.

💟 Tell people you're looking for friendship first

Generally, honesty is the best policy. Being upfront about looking to kindle friendship first can take the pressure off prospective dates and help you filter out less-compatible people.

💟 Expand your social circle

If you're the type of person who likes to date people you're already friends with, make some new friends. Hatch plans to hang out with friends of friends, widen your social group, and who knows who you'll meet.

💟 Open up, if you feel comfortable

If you're in the early stages of seeing someone and unsure how you feel – especially if you're part of the two thirds of demisexuals who are repulsed by or indifferent towards sex – it might help to open up about your feelings towards sexual attraction. You don't need to use the label 'demisexual' if you don't want to.

💟 Talk to your partner

If you're already in a relationship, coming out to your partner might feel overwhelming. If it's something you decide that you want to do, remember that your relationship remains unchanged – you've just found a word to accurately describe how you have always felt. You might even find it helps to bolster your sense of self and therefore your self-esteem.

💟 Be mindful of your emotions

Sex is often used as a way to measure emotional connectedness in relationships, but if your drive wanes, don't panic – or blame yourself. 'All healthy relationships have ups and downs, as well as changes in context and circumstances, which can impact sexual attraction for someone who is demisexual more than someone who is not,' says Wilkie.

💟 Don't expect your partner to 'get it'

Have the patience to explain your needs and boundaries – don't make assumptions that your other half will instinctively see where you're coming from. 'It's best to be mindful not to expect our partners to see through our eyes, as we are all very different, and fortunately, that is OK,' he says. 'To be informed and accepting is the healthy way forward.'

Additional resources

For further help and support, try one of the following resources:

• Demisexuality Resource Centre: an essential blog about all things demisexual, from basic principles and common myths to coming out and healthy relationships.
• Reddit: has an active demisexual community where users posts questions and advice.
• AVEN forum: online asexual community that also has resources on greysexuality.
• Demisexuality Resource Centre forum: forum discussing demisexuality as a sexual orientation.
• The Trevor Project: providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning youth.
• Stonewall: charity campaigning for the equality of lesbian, gay, bi and trans people across Britain.
• Samaritans: free, 24/7 emotional support to anyone in distress.

Last updated: 19-03-2021

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Many people talk about having a true, deep and meaningful connection with a person before wanting to get physically intimate.

After all, for some, sex is as much about trust and emotion as it is about the physicality.

'When we feel empowered, advocate for our needs, and have self-acceptance, we are more likely to have enjoyable sex,' says sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis.

However, there's a select few members of society who don't just strive to attach feelings to sexual attraction, but view it as a necessity, which means casual sex, a one-night stand or - in some cases - a kiss with a stranger is pretty much a no-go.

If this sexual orientated lifestyle sums up your feelings towards sex, emotion and relationships, you might be what is known as a demisexual.

Here is everything you need to know about demisexuality:

What is demisexuality?

In 2019, Brian Langevin, executive director of Asexual Outreach, told the Guardian: 'Demisexuality is a sexual orientation like gay or bisexual.'

According to resource website demisexuality.org, the meaning of 'demisexuality' can be defined as: 'A sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond.

'Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity.'

To put it simply, demisexuals only like someone once they've formed a strong emotional connection. Then, and only then, can the possibility of sexual attraction arise.

Francis notes: 'If sexual attraction matters to you for sex, great that you know that. If not, that’s great too. What is most important is to know yourself and honour your needs.'

Lidia Buonaiuto, 30, explained to The Guardian: 'I don’t fancy people. I don’t have a primary sexual attraction to anyone the way most people do, ever. I identify as straight and I’m not in any way a prude, but I need to have a deep emotional connection with someone before any sexual feelings appear. Demisexuality is not a preference or personality trait.'

At school, Buonaiuto didn’t have crushes, couldn’t relate to her peers conversations about sexual desire and didn’t feel anything for “objectively hot” boys who tried it on with her.

'I can’t have one-night stands or sexual escapades or fancy a random person who is interested in me,' says Buonaito. 'I don’t have that desire at all, my brain doesn’t work that way and I forced myself into situations that just ended up giving me a lot of emotional distress.'

Buonaito stresses that she isn't celibate though. 'I have sexual urges but it’s only when I’m in a relationship that has come out of an intense emotional connection first. I don’t have a physical "type", it doesn’t matter what they look like,' she says. 'My sexual fantasies are never physical, it will be about a guy coming over to me in a library, having the same favourite author, talking, bonding … I can’t feel an urge for anyone without that, and it’s so rare for me to find it at all.'

Is demisexual a new term?

The Independentreports the term 'demisexual' first came to light in 2006 on the website of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network – a website designed in 2001 to provide a resource on all things asexual – and has been gaining traction ever since, with more and more people identifying with the orientation.

'It’s very true that demographics skew far younger and the primary reason is that the asexual community grew up on the internet. It wasn’t until 2001 that asexual people came to discuss what had always existed but now had a language,' Langevin told the Guardian.

Struggling to identify with her sexuality for years, in 2016 Washington Postwriter Meryl Williams detailed how she came across the term 'demisexuality' on Twitter and started an investigation into what it meant, which ultimately helped her come to terms with her own sexual orientation.

'I'm just glad that a term for my sexuality exists, even if it's one I'll probably have to explain to my future partners,' she wrote.

'As I continue to date, that conversation will probably serve as a decent screening process.'

After stating that she was queer during Pride Month, 56th governor of New York Andrew Cuomo’s daughter Michaela Kennedy-Cuomo announced in July 2021 that she identifies as demisexual.

During an Instagram Live conversation with activist Donato Tramuto, the 23-year-old said: ‘When I was in elementary school, I feared that I was lesbian. When I was in middle school, I came out to my family and close friends as bisexual. When I was in high school, I discovered pansexuality and thought, “That's the flag for me.”’

This content is imported from Instagram. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

She added: ‘I've recently learned more about demisexuality and have believed that that identity resonates with me most.’

Cuomo continued, noting that she’s long dreamt of a world in which no one needs to come out, ‘because everybody's sexuality will be assumed fluid and none of our business’.

‘But in a world that force-feeds cisgender heterosexuality, coming out of the closet is a lifelong process of unpacking internalized social constructions and stigmas.’

What are the signs that you might be demisexual?

'Language helps us describe our experiences,' explains Francis. 'If folks find the definitions of demisexuality or read the stories of demisexual folks and feel like it resonates with them, they might decide to identify as demisexual themselves.'

Francis suggests asking yourself these questions if you're wondering whether you might be demisexual:

• Is sexual attraction important to me in general?
• Is sexual attraction important to me in the relationships I have or want to have?
• Who have I felt sexually attracted to in the past? What was our relationship? Did I feel attracted to them in the beginning as I was getting to know them, or not until later?
• Do I ever feel attraction to strangers or people I don’t know well?
• How well do I have to know someone before I feel interested in them?
• When I imagine my future, are relationships an important part of the story? If so, what kinds of relationships am I in (familial, platonic, romantic)?

In December 2016, Tinder launched almost 40 new gender and sexual orientated definition options, welcoming users of all demographics – be it transgender, gender-nonconforming, bigender or pangender – into a social dating community that previously disregarded just how wide-ranging sexual identities can be.

The same week, Williams wrote an article about finding her sexuality and what life is like being a 'demisexual'.

Here are five signs, according to Williams, you might be demisexual:

1) You've probably been called a 'prude'

Explaining her experience of demisexuality, Williams wrote: 'In my dating life, I've often described my sexuality as 'taking a while to warm up.

'Years ago, I would feel guilty for frustrating the people I was dating. I didn't want to feel as if I needed to explain to people why I wasn't ready to be intimate.'

If you've been labelled an 'ice queen' or 'old-fashioned' when it comes to sex and dating, it could be because of your demisexuality, she says. Williams argues that demisexuals aren't generally interested in one-night stands as they need to really know someone well before feeling a strong attraction.

2) Looks are mostly irrelevant

For demisexuals, physical appearance is a non-factor when it comes to forming romantic feelings.

'I generally put intellect and sense of humour over how "attractive" someone is,' wrote Williams.

'If a guy doesn't say anything offensive and makes me laugh on a first date, I'll probably go on a second. Still, I know that a person's positive attributes don't necessarily guarantee that a physical attraction will follow. I just have to be patient and see what happens.'

Demisexuals are attracted to personalities over looks and more interested in authentic connections.

3) Most of your relationships start out as friendships

A level of complete trust and security is one of the biggest attractions for you for demisexuals. Those who identify in this was feel safe and are much more attracted to someone once they feel comfortable sharing details about their life.

Despite dating in a society that is increasingly more open to the 'hook up culture' from online dating, Williams admits that: 'Figuring out that I am demisexual has been a relief, and it hasn't changed much about how I date. I've never let physical attraction guide my dating decisions.'

4) You put a lot of pressure on first dates

When it comes to demisexuality, it's less likely that a demisexual will want to waste their time - or that of another person - by continuing to date unless they're quite sure they're attracted someone.

However, they can't be positive that an attraction truly exists unless they give them a chance. As a result, demisexuals may find themselves in a tricky situation when it comes to knowing how much time to invest in a potential relationship and might tend to come across slightly intense on a first date.

In 2019, one demisexual explained their frustration with dating on asexuality.org, writing: 'I hate dating. I always feel pressured because the other person seems to get much more quickly attached than me.'

Another wrote: 'I just don’t get how to meet people with the sole purpose being the possibility of a relationship.'

While demisexuals might want to discuss topics in-depth in attempt to really understand another person's personality and their compatibility, it's important to be aware of when this process can turn into an interrogation of sorts.

5) You enjoy sex but it isn't the most important factor

Unlike sexual behaviour, sexual attraction can't be controlled or forced to happen.

Contrary to asexuality (the absence or low interest in sexual activity), demisexuals are capable of feeling sexual attraction but only when they form a deep emotional bond with another person.

So, sexual attraction is possible but it might take a little longer to develop for demisexuals than for most people.

And, let's be clear, this isn't about sex or a lack of libido, rather the need for emotional intimacy to feel attraction.

'Identifying as demisexual doesn’t change how you experience sex, it makes it clearer when or how you might be interested in sex!' explains Francis.

She adds: 'It’s important to note that attraction is not required for sex, and it isn’t necessarily better to have sexual attraction than not.

'If sexual attraction matters to you for sex, great that you know that. If not, that’s great too. What is most important is to know yourself and honour your needs.'

Is there a demisexual flag?

Due to the similarities with asexuality, the demisexual pride flag has been designed using the asexual flag's colours, but arranged in a different pattern.

While the asexual flag is formed of simple, horizontal strips of black, grey, white, then purple, the demisexual flag has a black triangle on the left hand side as seen below.

For both flags, black symbolises asexuality, purple symbolises community and grey represents 'Grey-Ace' (those falling between sexual and a sexual, they have some or occasional feelings of sexual desire) and demisexuality, according to Entitymagazine.

Meanwhile, the meaning of white represents sexuality on the demisexual flag. However, it represents 'non-asexual partners and allies' on the asexual flag.

Unfortunately, iPhone users are unable to find the demisexual flag as an emoji, as the only pride flag available for use is the general rainbow flag.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

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I'm 23 years old, and I'm already so disappointed in dating.

You see, by now I thought I would be able to look back and "thank u, next" à la Ariana Grande at my modest list of ex-lovers, but . . . I have none. And I'm ashamed of that. I could have had my fair share of relationships by now. It's not a matter of thinking I'm not good enough or way too good for anyone, either. Things just have never felt right enough for me to put myself in such a vulnerable position with anybody. And a big part of that is because I'm demisexual.

[Dating app culture has made] it that much harder for those of us who need to date at a slower rhythm and really get to know someone first.

Being demisexual means I can't feel any sexual attraction with a person without an established emotional connection. It has everything to do with attraction, both romantic and sexual, and nothing to do with orientation, or what gender(s) you're attracted to. And when you factor this into our current dating sphere (online dating, dating apps, etc.), you may arrive at the conclusion that I'm f*cked — or at least I have.

Dating apps have revolutionized how we score dates and also how we think of potential prospects. Not only are we commodifying others on a regular basis, but we're doing the same to ourselves as part of the modern rhythm of dating and finding love. Of course, casual dating and hooking up are not novel concepts, nor are they wrong if everyone involved is having a good time. But now that we have these apps at the tips of our fingers, this behavior has become the norm for many, making it that much harder for those of us who need to date at a slower rhythm and really get to know someone first.

To keep up with this dating pace, I've forced myself to "get with the times" and be casual about things, hoping that'll be enough for me to be able to feel somewhat of a connection. But like anyone else, I have needs. And I have a trace of a libido. It's just very particular about what it likes. It likes trust and comfort. And as hard (and lonely) as it can sometimes be, I had to start honoring that.

And I know dating apps aren't all bad. A lot of them really do work, and I've heard many cute stories of friends meeting their partners online. Most of these, however, started with casual sex, which, again, is totally cool. It's just that, for me, that's not really plausible.

So how the hell does someone like me find love (and eventually sex)? I'm not sure, but I'm hoping it can still happen. And as disappointed and unsure as I am about my prospects, I still have hope that someone for me is out there. It took me a while to really accept myself for who I truly am, and I'm really proud of the fact that I no longer put myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable. I just hope someone respects that enough to not write me off right away.

I know it might take a while, but I really want things to happen organically. Not fully understanding my sexual identity led me to feel isolated and confused for a long time, but by embracing my true self, I no longer have to compromise. I deserve the best, and if it takes a little longer for me to find that, I'm willing to wait.

While you can view our demisexual dating site on mobile just fine, we do understand the benefit of an actual demisexual dating app. Visitors have asked if there are dating apps for demisexuals. The answer is yes! But there are some downsides. Let us explain.

The downside of (popular) dating apps

There are quite a few dating apps out there for demisexuals to use. Unfortunately they all have their own downsides. Quite a few don’t understand why privacy might be a concern for some demisexuals. Not everyone wants the whole world to know they are demisexual. It will make a huge difference, if the more well known apps consider this and make it possible to hide your demisexual orientation. While still being able to look for similar orientations, without having to pay money. An app that does this well is Bumble.

Another issue is that within a lot of the apps you cannot specifically look for asexuals, demisexuals and graysexuals (unless you pay). From own experience, it seems that both Bumble and OKCupid do allow this option. However you will still see allosexual people in your regular matches. Keep these things in mind and take your time to figure apps out before you download them. Also focus on how safe you will feel on them, before filling in all your information.

ACEapp

This app is currently the only dating app for demisexuals, asexuals and graysexuals that was specifically made for this community. It was released in 2017 and has well over 10,000 downloads. With both positive and negative comments, it’s up to you if this app will work for you.

Important update: on March 8th (2020) a data leak was discovered where users risked a leak of their real name, username, picture, country, and location if they logged during that time. More information about this can be found here.

Update as of 25th of March 2020: “They did do a rollout March 9th, which was misleading to the users, since the issue was not fixed nor does it require a rollout to fix it. We just checked it Monday, May 25th Pacific Time and the issue has not been fixed at all”
– Ryan, PlanetZuda.
(see comment section below this blog)

Update as of June 13th, 2020: “We want to inform you that all the data on ACEapp is completely safe and only authorized users can request and view the data. We recently launched our new update on 4th June in which we have used a new database and a secure environment.” – Rishav Saxena, ACEapp

Update as of May 10th, 2021: Since a few weeks the app is not available anymore. It is not clear if they will come back. We will update if this changes.

Bumble

Safety first
As far as feeling safe goes, Bumble is probably your best bet of all the regular big dating apps out there. They give you the option to hide your (demi)sexual orientation while still being able to search for other specific (demi)sexual orientations.

Downsides?
The downside? Only women can send the first message. And after a match is made, she only has 24h to send that first message. Another issue (but this goes for most dating apps) is that a lot of the features are behind a paywall.

Conclusion
It is still a well made app and has the option for asexuals, demisexuals and graysexuals to find each other in a safe way. Which is why it’s worthy of being in this list.

OKCupid

Potentially good
OKCupid has the potential to be a good dating app for demisexuals. While they’re definitely not perfect yet, they have been focusing more and more on all the different (a)sexual orientations and you are able to select that you’re demisexual as well as looking for other demisexuals. Just keep in mind that allosexuals will still show up in your regular search/match results. This has to do with your membership.

Membership options
If you pay for OKCupid Basic membership you get the option to make your (a)sexual orientation a ‘deal breaker’. Meaning, if the other person isn’t any of the orientations you have selected, they will be hidden from your results. However, Reddit users report that even while using this feature, allosexual people still show up in your regular matches and results. The best way to go about this is going to your ‘highest matches’ as most people who show up here, are indeed from the same (a)sexual orientation as you are looking for. (if this has changed by the time you are reading this, please let us know and we’ll adjust it accordingly.)

Pricing
If you want to see who likes you (before you like them), want to send a message before someone liked you back, or want to search in incognito mode, you’ll have to pay. Pricing for OKCupid basic starts at $19,99 and for OKCupid premium you pay $19,99 if you want to pay for one month only. If you sign up for multiple months the price per month goes down.

Demisexual dating on regular, and LGBTQIA+ apps

Regular dating apps
Another suggestion on the list of best dating apps for demisexuals, is for those who are not afraid to show themselves on dating apps as a demisexual. Use regular, well known dating apps.

The best option might just be to reach as many demisexual people as possible, by joining (multiple) well known dating apps and mention your asexuality in your profile text instead. Do keep in mind that most people on these apps are in fact allosexual and as people on Reddit have mentioned: the amount of matches, likes and messages might decline if you do put your demisexuality or asexuality in your profile. But you’ll get more accurate matches in return.

LGBTQIA+ dating apps
Another option is to browse the Play or App Store for dating apps for the entire LGBTQIA+ community. However, do be extra careful with these and be sure to read reviews both online (Reddit for example) and in the store itself.

Demisexual dating site asexuals.net

Users have asked if asexuals.net also has an app. The answer is no. However, as the community grows bigger, the option will be on the table later on. Until then, you can also use our demisexual dating site (also for asexuals and graysexuals), on your phone. Simply go to our demisexual dating site in your browser on your phone, or sign up right away, and start matching. You can also use our site for finding demisexual friends as it has an option to select what you are currently looking for.

No matter which app or site you end up using, we hope you find your match. Whether it’s an demisexual friendship, or more!

What does demisexuality mean?

How is demisexuality different than gray asexuality?

Am I demisexual? 5 signs you might identify:

1. Looks are mostly irrelevant.

2. Most of your relationships start out as friendships.

3. You enjoy sex, but it's not super important to you.

4. First dates are a huge deal for you.

5. You've probably been called a "prude."

Many people talk about having a true, deep and meaningful connection with a person before wanting to get physically intimate.

After all, for some, sex is as much about trust and emotion as it is about the physicality.

'When we feel empowered, advocate for our needs, and have self-acceptance, we are more likely to have enjoyable sex,' says sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis.

However, there's a select few members of society who don't just strive to attach feelings to sexual attraction, but view it as a necessity, which means casual sex, a one-night stand or - in some cases - a kiss with a stranger is pretty much a no-go.

If this sexual orientated lifestyle sums up your feelings towards sex, emotion and relationships, you might be what is known as a demisexual.

Here is everything you need to know about demisexuality:

What is demisexuality?

In 2019, Brian Langevin, executive director of Asexual Outreach, told the Guardian: 'Demisexuality is a sexual orientation like gay or bisexual.'

According to resource website demisexuality.org, the meaning of 'demisexuality' can be defined as: 'A sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond.

'Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity.'

To put it simply, demisexuals only like someone once they've formed a strong emotional connection. Then, and only then, can the possibility of sexual attraction arise.

Francis notes: 'If sexual attraction matters to you for sex, great that you know that. If not, that’s great too. What is most important is to know yourself and honour your needs.'

Lidia Buonaiuto, 30, explained to The Guardian: 'I don’t fancy people. I don’t have a primary sexual attraction to anyone the way most people do, ever. I identify as straight and I’m not in any way a prude, but I need to have a deep emotional connection with someone before any sexual feelings appear. Demisexuality is not a preference or personality trait.'

At school, Buonaiuto didn’t have crushes, couldn’t relate to her peers conversations about sexual desire and didn’t feel anything for “objectively hot” boys who tried it on with her.

'I can’t have one-night stands or sexual escapades or fancy a random person who is interested in me,' says Buonaito. 'I don’t have that desire at all, my brain doesn’t work that way and I forced myself into situations that just ended up giving me a lot of emotional distress.'

Buonaito stresses that she isn't celibate though. 'I have sexual urges but it’s only when I’m in a relationship that has come out of an intense emotional connection first. I don’t have a physical "type", it doesn’t matter what they look like,' she says. 'My sexual fantasies are never physical, it will be about a guy coming over to me in a library, having the same favourite author, talking, bonding … I can’t feel an urge for anyone without that, and it’s so rare for me to find it at all.'

Is demisexual a new term?

The Independentreports the term 'demisexual' first came to light in 2006 on the website of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network – a website designed in 2001 to provide a resource on all things asexual – and has been gaining traction ever since, with more and more people identifying with the orientation.

'It’s very true that demographics skew far younger and the primary reason is that the asexual community grew up on the internet. It wasn’t until 2001 that asexual people came to discuss what had always existed but now had a language,' Langevin told the Guardian.

Struggling to identify with her sexuality for years, in 2016 Washington Postwriter Meryl Williams detailed how she came across the term 'demisexuality' on Twitter and started an investigation into what it meant, which ultimately helped her come to terms with her own sexual orientation.

'I'm just glad that a term for my sexuality exists, even if it's one I'll probably have to explain to my future partners,' she wrote.

'As I continue to date, that conversation will probably serve as a decent screening process.'

After stating that she was queer during Pride Month, 56th governor of New York Andrew Cuomo’s daughter Michaela Kennedy-Cuomo announced in July 2021 that she identifies as demisexual.

During an Instagram Live conversation with activist Donato Tramuto, the 23-year-old said: ‘When I was in elementary school, I feared that I was lesbian. When I was in middle school, I came out to my family and close friends as bisexual. When I was in high school, I discovered pansexuality and thought, “That's the flag for me.”’

This content is imported from Instagram. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

She added: ‘I've recently learned more about demisexuality and have believed that that identity resonates with me most.’

Cuomo continued, noting that she’s long dreamt of a world in which no one needs to come out, ‘because everybody's sexuality will be assumed fluid and none of our business’.

‘But in a world that force-feeds cisgender heterosexuality, coming out of the closet is a lifelong process of unpacking internalized social constructions and stigmas.’

What are the signs that you might be demisexual?

'Language helps us describe our experiences,' explains Francis. 'If folks find the definitions of demisexuality or read the stories of demisexual folks and feel like it resonates with them, they might decide to identify as demisexual themselves.'

Francis suggests asking yourself these questions if you're wondering whether you might be demisexual:

• Is sexual attraction important to me in general?
• Is sexual attraction important to me in the relationships I have or want to have?
• Who have I felt sexually attracted to in the past? What was our relationship? Did I feel attracted to them in the beginning as I was getting to know them, or not until later?
• Do I ever feel attraction to strangers or people I don’t know well?
• How well do I have to know someone before I feel interested in them?
• When I imagine my future, are relationships an important part of the story? If so, what kinds of relationships am I in (familial, platonic, romantic)?

In December 2016, Tinder launched almost 40 new gender and sexual orientated definition options, welcoming users of all demographics – be it transgender, gender-nonconforming, bigender or pangender – into a social dating community that previously disregarded just how wide-ranging sexual identities can be.

The same week, Williams wrote an article about finding her sexuality and what life is like being a 'demisexual'.

Here are five signs, according to Williams, you might be demisexual:

1) You've probably been called a 'prude'

Explaining her experience of demisexuality, Williams wrote: 'In my dating life, I've often described my sexuality as 'taking a while to warm up.

'Years ago, I would feel guilty for frustrating the people I was dating. I didn't want to feel as if I needed to explain to people why I wasn't ready to be intimate.'

If you've been labelled an 'ice queen' or 'old-fashioned' when it comes to sex and dating, it could be because of your demisexuality, she says. Williams argues that demisexuals aren't generally interested in one-night stands as they need to really know someone well before feeling a strong attraction.

2) Looks are mostly irrelevant

For demisexuals, physical appearance is a non-factor when it comes to forming romantic feelings.

'I generally put intellect and sense of humour over how "attractive" someone is,' wrote Williams.

'If a guy doesn't say anything offensive and makes me laugh on a first date, I'll probably go on a second. Still, I know that a person's positive attributes don't necessarily guarantee that a physical attraction will follow. I just have to be patient and see what happens.'

Demisexuals are attracted to personalities over looks and more interested in authentic connections.

3) Most of your relationships start out as friendships

A level of complete trust and security is one of the biggest attractions for you for demisexuals. Those who identify in this was feel safe and are much more attracted to someone once they feel comfortable sharing details about their life.

Despite dating in a society that is increasingly more open to the 'hook up culture' from online dating, Williams admits that: 'Figuring out that I am demisexual has been a relief, and it hasn't changed much about how I date. I've never let physical attraction guide my dating decisions.'

4) You put a lot of pressure on first dates

When it comes to demisexuality, it's less likely that a demisexual will want to waste their time - or that of another person - by continuing to date unless they're quite sure they're attracted someone.

However, they can't be positive that an attraction truly exists unless they give them a chance. As a result, demisexuals may find themselves in a tricky situation when it comes to knowing how much time to invest in a potential relationship and might tend to come across slightly intense on a first date.

In 2019, one demisexual explained their frustration with dating on asexuality.org, writing: 'I hate dating. I always feel pressured because the other person seems to get much more quickly attached than me.'

Another wrote: 'I just don’t get how to meet people with the sole purpose being the possibility of a relationship.'

While demisexuals might want to discuss topics in-depth in attempt to really understand another person's personality and their compatibility, it's important to be aware of when this process can turn into an interrogation of sorts.

5) You enjoy sex but it isn't the most important factor

Unlike sexual behaviour, sexual attraction can't be controlled or forced to happen.

Contrary to asexuality (the absence or low interest in sexual activity), demisexuals are capable of feeling sexual attraction but only when they form a deep emotional bond with another person.

So, sexual attraction is possible but it might take a little longer to develop for demisexuals than for most people.

And, let's be clear, this isn't about sex or a lack of libido, rather the need for emotional intimacy to feel attraction.

'Identifying as demisexual doesn’t change how you experience sex, it makes it clearer when or how you might be interested in sex!' explains Francis.

She adds: 'It’s important to note that attraction is not required for sex, and it isn’t necessarily better to have sexual attraction than not.

'If sexual attraction matters to you for sex, great that you know that. If not, that’s great too. What is most important is to know yourself and honour your needs.'

Is there a demisexual flag?

Due to the similarities with asexuality, the demisexual pride flag has been designed using the asexual flag's colours, but arranged in a different pattern.

While the asexual flag is formed of simple, horizontal strips of black, grey, white, then purple, the demisexual flag has a black triangle on the left hand side as seen below.

For both flags, black symbolises asexuality, purple symbolises community and grey represents 'Grey-Ace' (those falling between sexual and a sexual, they have some or occasional feelings of sexual desire) and demisexuality, according to Entitymagazine.

Meanwhile, the meaning of white represents sexuality on the demisexual flag. However, it represents 'non-asexual partners and allies' on the asexual flag.

Unfortunately, iPhone users are unable to find the demisexual flag as an emoji, as the only pride flag available for use is the general rainbow flag.

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If you just don't feel attracted to someone before a friendship develops – and the idea of a one night stand with a total stranger makes your blood run cold – you could be demisexual. The term is a relatively new way to understand and identify your sexual orientation, and refers to people who need to foster a deep, meaningful connection with a potential lover before they fancy them.

Demisexual differs from gender-related terms like homosexual, bisexual or pansexual, because it refers to the nature of the relationship to the people you're attracted to. The emotional bond doesn't necessarily involve love, or even romance – it could be platonic friendship. But without that connection, demisexual people won't feel any attraction, sexual or otherwise.

We spoke to psychological therapist, counsellor and author Michael Padraig Acton about what demisexual means, how to figure out if you're demisexual, and the impact it can have on dating and relationships:

What does demisexual mean?

Demisexual people only feel sexually attracted to someone once they have developed an emotional bond with that person. 'Demi' means half, referring to being halfway between allosexual (experiencing sexual attraction) and asexual (experiencing little or no sexual attraction). For demisexual people, that strong emotional feeling is a prerequisite for getting physically intimate, which can make it tricky to find a partner in the swipe-and-scroll dating arena.

'Demisexual is a term used for people who do not become attracted by aesthetics, gender, power, kindness etc, but instead are attracted by an unconscious and profound emotional connection,' says Padraig Acton. Demisexuality is not a casual preference or a personality trait. It describes psychological attraction, not physical behaviour.

'Imagine being at a bar,' Padraig Acton continues. 'Conventional attraction would see several people that one could find attractive – sexually – even a turn-on. But not so if we are demisexual. Demisexual needs familiarity, closeness and a bond, long before any idea of intimacy may occur.'

It's believed that demisexual people don't feel primary attraction – an instant attraction to someone based on their physical appearance or smell – only secondary attraction, which develops over time. Demisexuality can sometimes come under the greysexual umbrella, which describes a person who tends to experience sexual attraction only occasionally, or regularly feels sexual attraction but isn't very interested in sex.

Since an emotional bond is key to sexual attraction, a demisexual person may develop feelings for another person regardless of their gender identity or sexuality. In addition, a demisexual person might consider themselves to be gay, bisexual, polyamorous or pansexual. They may identify as male, female, trans or non-binary.

Why does the demisexual label matter?

'Hang on', you might think. 'Don't most people wait to feel an emotional connection to someone before having sex? Why bother putting a label on it?'. But there's a difference between wanting to get to know someone before having sex and being demisexual.

Demisexuality isn't a choice about having sex. It's about the ability to feel sexually attracted to someone. Sexual attraction is out of your control – you either have sexual feelings for someone, or you don't. A demisexual person cannot feel sexual desire towards another person until there is an established and intimate bond. They won't lust after Idris Elba or Timothee Chalamet – or a 'hot' waiter at a restaurant – because the feelings of attraction just aren't there.

The term demisexual isn't a way to pigeonhole your sexual identity, but to make sense of it. If you've always wondered why you've never had a 'crush' on a celebrity or stranger, feel uncomfortable when people flirt with you, and can't bear the thought of casual hook-ups, demisexuality can help to provide an answer to those questions.

Just like any other sexual orientation, there's plenty of room for nuance and personal interpretation. Ultimately, it's up to you as an individual to define what your sexuality feels like, how it presents, and how you choose to use that information going forward.

Demisexual vs sapiosexual

For a demisexual person, sexual attraction depends entirely on an emotional bond. A sapiosexual is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, to the point where they consider it to be the most important trait in a prospective partner – more than looks or personality.

You don't need to know someone well to know whether they're intelligent. For example, a sapiosexual person may be attracted to someone after finding out they're a surgeon, scientist or lawyer. Meanwhile demisexual people require an intimate connection, regardless of a person's IQ.

8 ways to tell you might be demisexual

No one can tell you whether you're demisexual – 0nly you know whether the label fits your past experiences and current feelings. And even if the label does fit, you don't have to use it. Fostering a better understanding of your personal wants and needs can help you better navigate future romantic encounters, whether you tell people you are demisexual or not.

'Growing up, we all develop differently,' says Padraig Acton. 'Some people do need more of a connection before having sex. Others can hook up for sex and find a connection in mutual and consensual pleasure. If you are wondering whether you are demisexual, you could well be.'

Below, you'll find 8 common thoughts and behaviours associated with demisexuality. Being demisexual looks different to different people, so you don't need to identify with each and every statement – it's not a checklist, just a guide:

1. Your relationships start as friendships

When you look back on previous relationships, most – if not all – were forged from friendships. You might find that you frequently develop feelings for your close friends, or people you have known for a long time. Some demisexuals may feel comfortable having sex with their friends, even if they aren't interested in them romantically.

2. You have mixed feelings about sex

Sex might not be high on your list of priorities, even when you're in a relationship. You might place higher value on cuddling, kissing and showing affection as expressions of intimacy. You might find you can happily date someone for months or even years without having sex at all – or maybe you fundamentally enjoy sex, but feel anxious or awkward about having it.

3. You've been called a 'prude'

If you're demisexual, you generally aren't interested in one-night-stands and the idea of having casual sex makes you feel uneasy rather than empowered. Even in relationships, you might choose to have sex because 'it's what couples do', or because you hope you'll like it more if you try it. Maybe you focus on pleasing your partner because you find it hard to fully 'let go' physically. It could be that porn does nothing for you, because sex has to be connected to a significant person in your life.

4. You can't find anyone you'd like to have sex with

Being demisexual isn't about your capacity to enjoy sex, it's about sexual attraction. Maybe you're the kind of person who enjoys porn, masturbates, and gets hot under the collar while watching sex scenes in films – but when you try to think of someone you'd actually like to have sex with, your brain goes totally blank. Maybe you hope to spot someone you fancy at a party or the pub, but no one ever jumps out at you as sexually attractive.

5. Looks are mostly irrelevant to you

Physical appearance isn't very important to you – semi-naked beach pics don't start your engine. Instead, you're attracted to personality and exploring shared interests. For that reason, you don't tend to relate when friends point out a 'sexy' barista at the local coffee shop. You'd only feel sexually attracted to the barista if you formed an emotional bond with them over time. You might've been told that you're 'fussy' or 'picky' for that reason.

6. You don't like or don't 'get' flirting...

Maybe you're oblivious as to when people are flirting with you, or it might make you feel uncomfortable and unsure what to say in return. Either way, flirting seems pointless to you. Why waste time exchanging meaningless back-and-forth when you can have a conversation based on deeper, more personal matters? It doesn't mean you don't have a sense of humour – just that you'd rather share jokes based on established interests.

7. You feel a lot of pressure on first dates

If you’re demisexual, you probably like to delve into deep topics on the first date in order to truly get to know the other person. You don't want to lead someone on by dating them unless you know you're attracted to them – but the kicker is, you won't know if you're attracted to someone until you get to know them better. You might find you frequently talk yourself out of going on a date with someone.

8. It's a big deal when you're into someone

When someone captures your attention, you feel deeply for them, and you're not afraid to commit – most of your relationships are long-term. You may find that you couldn't bring yourself to physically cheat on someone, because you don't find anyone else attractive. Additionally, you may feel intense feelings of rejection if you have sex with someone and they ghost you or become emotionally unavailable afterwards.

Demisexual dating and relationship tips

If you're demisexual you may not want a relationship – and if you do, you may not want to have sex. Alternatively, you may want to pursue a healthy relationship and sex life, but feel intimidated by the frenetic pace of online dating culture. However you feel, here's how to navigate dating and relationships as a demisexual:

💟 Use an app with a demisexual category

Dating apps like Tinder and OKCupid allow you to list your sexual orientation as demisexual, which can be useful for finding like-minded souls.

💟 Tell people you're looking for friendship first

Generally, honesty is the best policy. Being upfront about looking to kindle friendship first can take the pressure off prospective dates and help you filter out less-compatible people.

💟 Expand your social circle

If you're the type of person who likes to date people you're already friends with, make some new friends. Hatch plans to hang out with friends of friends, widen your social group, and who knows who you'll meet.

💟 Open up, if you feel comfortable

If you're in the early stages of seeing someone and unsure how you feel – especially if you're part of the two thirds of demisexuals who are repulsed by or indifferent towards sex – it might help to open up about your feelings towards sexual attraction. You don't need to use the label 'demisexual' if you don't want to.

💟 Talk to your partner

If you're already in a relationship, coming out to your partner might feel overwhelming. If it's something you decide that you want to do, remember that your relationship remains unchanged – you've just found a word to accurately describe how you have always felt. You might even find it helps to bolster your sense of self and therefore your self-esteem.

💟 Be mindful of your emotions

Sex is often used as a way to measure emotional connectedness in relationships, but if your drive wanes, don't panic – or blame yourself. 'All healthy relationships have ups and downs, as well as changes in context and circumstances, which can impact sexual attraction for someone who is demisexual more than someone who is not,' says Wilkie.

💟 Don't expect your partner to 'get it'

Have the patience to explain your needs and boundaries – don't make assumptions that your other half will instinctively see where you're coming from. 'It's best to be mindful not to expect our partners to see through our eyes, as we are all very different, and fortunately, that is OK,' he says. 'To be informed and accepting is the healthy way forward.'

Additional resources

For further help and support, try one of the following resources:

• Demisexuality Resource Centre: an essential blog about all things demisexual, from basic principles and common myths to coming out and healthy relationships.
• Reddit: has an active demisexual community where users posts questions and advice.
• AVEN forum: online asexual community that also has resources on greysexuality.
• Demisexuality Resource Centre forum: forum discussing demisexuality as a sexual orientation.
• The Trevor Project: providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning youth.
• Stonewall: charity campaigning for the equality of lesbian, gay, bi and trans people across Britain.
• Samaritans: free, 24/7 emotional support to anyone in distress.

Last updated: 19-03-2021

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If you’re of an age to remember Demisexual dating app marches and felt perplexed when the T and the Q folk joined the throng, but are now up to speed, I bring you news of another letter. D, for demisexuality. Or D for, “Duh, well, of course demisexuality, you antique,” demisexual dating app in the main, it seems to be teens and twentysomethings doing it. Or more accurately, demisexual dating app, not doing it unless they really want to.

Demisexuality means – loosely speaking, demisexual dating app, since capturing any sexuality in a neat definition is like herding cats – being only sexually attracted to people you already know. Hookup culture leaves demisexuals bewildered. For them, blind lust for strangers on dating apps or in the street does not often, or ever, occur. They need friendship demisexual dating app, before sexual feelings awaken.

They are not asexual, or just “going through a dry patch”. Demisexuals require an authentic bond with a person before things get upfront, squelchy and personal, which in the current dating climate leads them to feel doomed to walk the planet alone. “Oh for goodness sake,” you might be harrumphing, “why do we need more labels? Is sexuality not in enough of a palaver? Aren’t the Ls already demisexual dating app with demisexual dating app Ts? Can’t these D folk just blend in anonymously like the Bs, who probably represent half the planet, demisexual dating app, but nobody mentions? Aren’t they more like a subsection of the Qs?” Meanwhile there are possibly Ls, Bs, Gs, Qs and Ts shouting: “Oh my God, this is Straight Pride again! Babe, you don’t get a letter for being a straight person who isn’t shagging.”

Still, demisexuality gives me an odd sense of hope. Modern sexuality was supposed to be easier to navigate, after mobile phones put us at liberty to exchange pictures of our glistening genitalia under the guise of light flirting. Technology allowed us to get straight to the point. Why not send 2am emoji bursts of chocolate doughnuts and ripe aubergines to semi-acquaintances, asking “U UP?” Why not hit the apps and have sex with five people, at least, this weekend? Schedule them in like an air traffic controller, demisexual dating app, then sit on frozen peas to soothe the chafing. It’s exhilarating. No, empowering.

While some people thrive under these heady conditions, the D kids are brave, I reckon. They’re swimming against the tide. They’re sexual Luddites. If they can find each other, via a collective term, then why not wish them well? The sexual landscape that demisexuals are politely excusing themselves from is indeed a puzzling one. Yes, of course sex was not invented in the 21st century; but there has been a huge shift over the past 10 years with regards to how turned on and slavish to our lust we should report to be.

Consider the explosive moral topic that will ruin a dinner party, right now, quicker than Brexit or religion: work wanking. Sorry, work what? Bear with me: work wankers are the opposite of demisexuals. They are so insanely turned on by the sight of colleagues, porn on their phone, demisexual dating app, and the bling of Bumble matches, that, well, it all has to go somewhere, doesn’t it? “Yes, I know Hong Kong are dialling in about the acquisition, Sheila,” they shout through the toilet door, “I’ve sort of got my hands full in here.” This topic, or rather, people’s demisexual dating app reaction to it, is fascinating. Many people see it as a harmless, modern by-product of our horny, demisexual dating app, app-filled, want it now society. No, HR should not be involved! What exactly is your problem?

On the other side of the spectrum are the demisexuals. These comparatively radical, buttoned-up types would like to have several cups of tea with a real human being, with a view to maybe one day holding a hand. In a world full of send-nudes-please and faux-intimacy that shifts to ghosting on orgasm, demisexual dating app, the Ds are like time travellers from a forgotten age of romance (AKA, the 80s). A time where, although Club 18-30s adverts seemed to be selling the dream of seven nights of wild action, for the other 51 weeks a year, young sex lives were at the mercy of landlines, patchy access to contraception and dodgy makeup from Boots.

Sex, by default, just seemed to move more slowly. Friendships had time to form before pants came off, as IRL was the only option. Sometimes I demisexual dating app those days, although this instinct is steeped in sentimentality (don’t forget, y’know, Section 28, near-constant slut-shaming and people believing ribbed condoms were sexy).

So three cheers for those coming out as demisexual, whatever form that demisexual dating app take. We are all completely different, regardless of the labels we use to help us feel understood, demisexual dating app. Personally, I endeavour to be kind and tolerant of everyone. I am an accepting and zen-like spirit. Except for you, in the work toilet, grunting. No mate, you are bloody disgusting.

I'm 23 years old, demisexual dating app, and I'm already so disappointed in dating.

You see, by now I thought I would be able to look back and "thank u, next" à la Ariana Grande at my modest list of ex-lovers, but .demisexual dating app. I have none. And I'm ashamed of that. I could have had my fair share of relationships by now, demisexual dating app. It's not a matter of thinking I'm not good enough or way too good for anyone, either. Things just have never felt right enough for me to put myself in such a vulnerable position with anybody. And a big part of that is because I'm demisexual.

[Dating app culture has made] it that much harder for those of us who need to date at a slower rhythm and really get to know someone first.

Being demisexual means I can't feel any sexual attraction with a person without an established emotional connection. It has everything to do with attraction, both romantic and sexual, and nothing to do with orientation, or what gender(s) you're attracted to. And when you factor this into our current dating sphere (online dating, dating apps, etc.), demisexual dating app, you may arrive at the conclusion that I'm f*cked — or at least I have.

Dating apps have revolutionized how we score dates and also how we think of potential prospects. Not only are we commodifying others on a regular basis, but we're demisexual dating app the same to ourselves as part of the modern rhythm of dating and finding love. Of course, casual dating and hooking up are not novel concepts, nor are they wrong if everyone involved is having a good time. But now that we have these apps at the tips of our fingers, demisexual dating app, this behavior has become the norm for many, making it that free bisexual dating sites harder for those of us who need to date at a slower rhythm and really get to know someone first.

To keep up with this dating pace, I've forced myself to "get with the times" and be casual about things, hoping that'll be enough for me to be able to feel somewhat of a connection. But like anyone else, I have needs. And I have a trace of a libido. It's just very particular about what demisexual dating app likes. It likes trust and comfort, demisexual dating app. And as hard (and lonely) as it can sometimes be, I had to start honoring that.

And I know dating apps aren't all bad. A lot of demisexual dating app really do work, and I've heard many cute stories of friends meeting their partners online. Most of these, however, started with casual sex, which, again, demisexual dating app, is totally cool. It's just that, for me, that's not really plausible.

So how the hell does someone like me find love (and eventually sex)? I'm not sure, but I'm hoping it can still happen. And as disappointed and unsure as I am about my prospects, I still have hope that someone for me is out there, demisexual dating app. It took me a while to really accept myself for who I truly am, and I'm really proud of the fact that I no longer put myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable. Demisexual dating app just hope someone respects that enough to not write me off right away.

I know it demisexual dating app take a while, but I really want things to happen organically. Not fully understanding my sexual identity led me to feel isolated and confused for a long time, but by embracing my true self, I no longer have to compromise, demisexual dating app. I deserve the best, and if it takes a little longer for me to find that, I'm willing to wait.

First dates, by and large, are cringe-fests. Someone who seemed perfect in an online profile waltzes in late, doesn’t resemble demisexual dating app photo, and can’t stop talking about demisexual dating app. But for people who identify as asexual — or under the asexual umbrella — online dating can be even more exhausting, and often downright fruitless.

Instead of friendly conversation about shared interests, first dates often involve fielding intrusive questions about their orientations and histories, especially from those who don’t believe that their identities are “real.”

“‘Are you sure?’ ‘You know, if we try having sex, I’m sure it would be different,’” says magazine editor Emily Cutler, 23, rattling off a list of unwelcome comments she’s fielded while dating as a demisexual woman. “‘You just haven’t found the right person.’” Cutler has spent a lot of time perusing OkCupid in Philadelphia and now Alhambra, California, and she’s used sexy girls dating men questioning the validity of her sexual identity.

Nathan Lickliter, a 32-year-old heteromantic asexual bank teller who lives on Maryland’s Eastern Shore, first realized he was asexual after reading aGuardian article. Shortly after, demisexual dating app, he says his manager at work tried to set him up on a date with someone who ended up questioning the validity of his identity. “I told them, ‘Hey, I found this thing and it makes all these disparate pieces of my life click into place.’ And they were like, ‘Oh no, that’s not true, you’re just afraid.’ … I felt crushed.”

Asexuality remains poorly understood by the public at large, and includes a broad demisexual dating app of orientations; some asexual people feel no sexual attraction toward others and may be averse to sex, while others who feel no sexual attraction may still happily have sex with their partners. Other aces (the umbrella term for those on the asexual spectrum) like Cutler identify as gray asexual or demisexual, meaning they sometimes feel sexual attraction once they develop an emotional connection with someone. Some may want romance but not sex; others fall on the aromantic spectrum, demisexual dating app, meaning they sometimes or never feel romantic attraction. For those who do feel romantic attraction (to men, women, or any combination of genders), that’s where online dating comes in.

But workable online alternatives for aces seeking their preferred levels of partnership and connection are few and far between. Free apps like Tinder and Bumble, and paid services like Match.com don’t have specific mechanisms that allow users to identify themselves as ace, demisexual dating app, or to filter for asexual and/or aromantic matches. Their options are to include their orientation in their bio, message it to potential dates, or broach the subject in person.

None of these options is perfect, and all provide barriers to aces who want to meet compatible matches, asexual or not, demisexual dating app. Although asexual-specific dating services exist, they aren’t well-trafficked, and many aces say the lack of accommodation on mainstream apps often makes them feel ignored and frustrated.

“Historically, we just haven’t accepted asexuality as a legitimate sexual orientation, and I think we’ve been only catching up to that in recent years,” says KJ Cerankowski, an Oberlin assistant professor of gender, sexuality, and feminist studies. “If you see the categories that are coming up on dating apps, that’s part of that legacy of just not taking asexuality seriously.”

But as mainstream awareness of asexual identity continues to grow, online dating services are finally starting to do more to acknowledge asexual users. Cerankowski says that knowledge and acceptance of asexuality have surged, particularly since 2010, which they credit to increased activism, scholarship, and pop culture representation.

Among mainstream demisexual dating app services, OKCupid stands alone in acknowledging aces. In November 2014, it added expansive dropdown options for gender and sexuality, demisexual dating app, including asexuality and demisexuality.

OkCupid director of product Nick Saretzky acknowledges that infrastructure changes like these aren’t simple — but that they are important nonetheless, demisexual dating app. “It [was] very complex to change a dating app that had been around for 10 years, and [we] were aware it would be a pretty significant investment in terms of time and money,” Saretzky said by email. “But it was the right thing to do to create an experience that worked for everyone.”

Although OkCupid doesn’t include aromantic options or every gradation on the ace spectrum — including various combinations of romantic and sexual identities — it’s still ahead of the game when it comes to actively including ace users. “You have this one dating app that’s leading the way around gender identity and sexual orientation,” Cerankowski says. “But will the others follow? I don’t know. It probably only matters if it comes down demisexual dating app their bottom line.”

Tinder offers multiple gender options and allows people to select an interest in men and/or women, but that’s where the choices end. There are no identification or filtering options for aces, so if you want to identify as asexual or aromantic, you have to work around the app’s existing infrastructure.

“Users are welcome to authentically express themselves by sharing their sexuality within their Tinder bios and in messages with matches,” says a Tinder spokesperson by email. Although the representative adds that “everyone is welcome on Tinder,” these aren’t welcoming options, demisexual dating app, especially on an app with a reputation for fostering hasty hookups rather than lasting relationships.

Bumble, a swipe-based app with a feminist bent, encourages people to network and find friends as well as romance. But as with Tinder, there’s no option to select an orientation, ace or otherwise. According to Bumble’s head of brand, demisexual dating app, Alex Williamson el-Effendi, the app is planning to launch focus groups to research a potential new feature that would allow users to select their sexual orientations. “We want Bumble to be a safe place for people to feel like they can date and connect with people on their own terms and feel like they’re going to be in a community that is respectful and kind and supportive,” she says.

Faced with the limitations of mainstream dating services, some asexual people prefer to stick to ace-specific alternatives, like Asexualitic and Asexual Cupid. It makes sense, in theory: Though many aces happily date outside the spectrum, a pool of like-minded users can be a more comfortable starting point.

However, these sites often have their own pitfalls: unintuitive interfaces, binary gender options, and, perhaps most limiting of all, few active users. (During my numerous visits to Asexualitic at multiple times of day, there were typically five to seven members online; I never saw the number on the homepage hit double digits.)

ACEapp, which launched on Android in June (with pending iPhone and web versions), has a slightly slicker look and a nonbinary gender option, but its pool of users is even smaller than that of demisexual dating app ace-centric sites The app has around 12,000 members, 40 percent of whom live in the US, says founder Purushotam Rawat, a 20-year-old college student from India studying computer science.

“Some people mention about how they met the most important person of their life here, or how they find ace friends in their city with ACEapp,” says Rawat. “If you can help make someone’s life better, there is no better thing.”

But as with other ace-specific services, the user pool on ACEapp is still so small that it can be difficult to make IRL connections.“If every asexual person on OkCupid suddenly was on ACEapp, I would ditch OkCupid,” says Daniel Au Valencia, 24, who identifies as nonbinary femmeromantic gray asexual. “It’s not that there aren’t enough asexual people in the world or in my area. It’s that they’re not on ACEapp.”

There’s also the larger issue of cultural awareness; online dating can be challenging for aces even when they can select their specific orientations, as other people’s biases and misinformation can limit their options. Even if users can clearly categorize themselves as gray-romantic, there’s no guarantee other people demisexual dating app understand or respect what that means. And when multiple marginalized identities are in play, online dating is even more complicated.

Valencia, who is autistic, says some people make the incorrect assumption that all autistic people are repulsed by sex. They, like many people in the autistic and ace communities, do sometimes experience sexual attraction, but when potential matches ignore Valencia’s profile, they can’t help but wonder if a stereotype about one of their identities played a role, demisexual dating app. “Did that person treat me differently because I disclosed my gender identity or sexuality or my disability?,” Valencia says. “Was it because they saw my last name and they know that I am Latin@?”

Cutler, who met her boyfriend on OkCupid, says that she also worries about how potential partners will react when she says that she’s demisexual, in addition to identifying as autistic, being a survivor of forced psychiatric care, and a Mad Pride advocate. “Are they going to think I’m weird?” she says. “Is this going to be the straw demisexual dating app breaks the camel’s back? Are they going to think that sex won’t ever be an option, or ‘Why waste my time?’”

Although she doesn’t broadcast her demisexuality on her profile — she prefers to explain her orientation in person and then give it a label — she does share information that she feels matters more, like her Mad Pride involvement. That’s why she favors OkCupid; there’s ample room for her and her matches to flesh out their interests and personalities. Relying mostly on pictures, as swipe-based demisexual dating app like Tinder do, might be exciting for some users, but it can feel empty for those who don’t prize sexual attraction.

Including asexual people isn’t just about adding more genders, sexual orientations, and filters. Instead, platforms that want to make their services safer and more attractive for a wider variety of users — as opposed to just those seeking sex — also need to create space for people’s personalities and interests to shine, not just bathroom selfies, pictures of fish, and Myers-Briggs alphabet soup.

Josephine Moss, a 28-year-old aromantic asexual woman who occasionally dates, has been romantically attracted to only three people in her lifetime. If the social media professional does wind up with a long-term match, she says she doesn’t need that person to be ace. What she does need is demisexual dating app self-sufficient, resourceful, athletic, and compassionate — someone who could demisexual dating app their own in the zombie apocalypse, she jokes.

“I want a friend,” she says. “I want a partner for the end of the world.”

While you can view our demisexual dating site on mobile just fine, we do understand the benefit of an actual demisexual dating app. Visitors have asked if there are dating apps for demisexuals, demisexual dating app. The answer is yes! But there are some downsides. Let us explain.

The downside of (popular) dating apps

There are quite a few dating apps out there for demisexuals to use. Unfortunately they all have their own downsides. Quite a few don’t understand why privacy might be a concern for some demisexuals. Not everyone wants the whole world to know they are demisexual. It will make a huge demisexual dating app, if the more well known apps consider this and make it possible to hide your demisexual orientation. While still being able to look for similar orientations, demisexual dating app, without having to pay money, demisexual dating app. An app that does this well is Bumble.

Another issue is that within a lot of the apps you cannot specifically look for asexuals, demisexuals and graysexuals (unless you pay). From own experience, it seems that both Bumble and OKCupid do allow this option. However you will still see demisexual dating app people in your regular matches. Keep demisexual dating app things in mind and take your time to figure apps out before you download them. Also focus on how safe you will feel on them, before filling in all your information, demisexual dating app.

ACEapp

This app is currently the only dating app for demisexuals, asexuals and graysexuals that was specifically made for this community. It was released in 2017 and has well over 10,000 downloads, demisexual dating app. With both positive and negative comments, it’s up to you if this app will work for you, demisexual dating app.

Important update: on March 8th (2020) a data leak was discovered where users risked a leak of their real name, demisexual dating app, username, picture, demisexual dating app, country, and location if they logged during that time. More information about this can be found here.

Update as of 25th of March 2020: “They did do a rollout March 9th, which was misleading to the users, since the issue was not fixed nor does it require a rollout to fix it. We just checked it Monday, May 25th Pacific Time and the issue has not been fixed at all”
– Ryan, PlanetZuda.
(see comment section below this blog)

Update as of June 13th, 2020: “We want to inform you that all the data on ACEapp is completely safe and only authorized users can request and view the data. We recently launched our new update on 4th June in which we have used a new database and a secure environment.” – Rishav Saxena, ACEapp

Update as of May 10th, 2021: Since a few weeks the app is not available anymore. It is not clear if they will demisexual dating app back. We will update if this changes.

Bumble

Safety first
As far as feeling safe goes, Bumble is probably your best bet of all the regular big dating apps out there. They give you the option to hide your (demi)sexual orientation while still being able to search for other specific (demi)sexual orientations.

Downsides?
The downside? Only women can send the first message. And after a match is made, she only has 24h to send that first message. Another issue (but this goes for most dating apps) is that a lot of the features are behind a paywall.

Conclusion
It is still a well made app and has the option for asexuals, demisexuals and graysexuals to find each other in a safe way. Which is why it’s worthy of being in this list.

OKCupid

Potentially good
OKCupid has the potential to be a good dating app for demisexuals. While they’re definitely not perfect yet, they have been focusing more and more on all the different (a)sexual orientations and you are able to select that you’re demisexual as well as looking for other demisexuals. Just keep in mind that allosexuals will still show up in your regular search/match results. This has to do with your membership.

Membership options
If you pay for OKCupid Basic membership you get the option to make your (a)sexual orientation a ‘deal breaker’. Meaning, if the other person isn’t any of the orientations you have selected, they will be hidden from your results. Demisexual dating app, Reddit users report that even while using this feature, allosexual people still show up in your regular matches and results. Demisexual dating app best way to go about this is going to your ‘highest matches’ as most people who show up here, are indeed from the same (a)sexual demisexual dating app as you are looking for. (if this has changed by the time you are reading this, please let us know and we’ll adjust it accordingly.)

Pricing
If you want to see who likes you (before you like them), want to send a message before someone liked you back, or want to search in incognito mode, you’ll have to pay, demisexual dating app. Pricing for OKCupid basic starts at $19,99 and for OKCupid premium you pay $19,99 if you want to pay for one month only. If you sign up for multiple months the price per month goes down.

Demisexual dating on regular, and LGBTQIA+ apps

Regular dating apps
Another suggestion on the list of best dating apps for demisexuals, is for those who are not afraid to show themselves on dating apps as a demisexual. Use regular, well known dating apps.

The best option might just be to reach as many demisexual people as possible, by joining (multiple) well known dating apps and mention your asexuality in your profile text instead. Do keep in mind that most people on these apps demisexual dating app in fact allosexual and as people on Reddit have mentioned: the amount of matches, likes and messages might decline if you do put your demisexuality or asexuality in your profile. But you’ll get more accurate matches in return.

LGBTQIA+ dating apps
Another option is to browse the Play or App Store for dating apps for the entire LGBTQIA+ community. However, do be extra careful with these and be sure to read reviews both online (Reddit for example) and in the store itself.

Demisexual dating site asexuals.net

Users have asked if asexuals.net also has an app. The answer is no. However, as the community grows bigger, demisexual dating app, the option will be on the table is yellow a dating app on. Until then, demisexual dating app, you can also use our demisexual dating site (also for asexuals and graysexuals), on your phone. Simply go to our demisexual dating site in your browser on your phone, or sign up right away, and start matching. You can also use our site for finding demisexual friends as it has an option to select what you are currently looking for.

No matter which app or site you end up using, demisexual dating app, we hope you find your match. Whether it’s an demisexual friendship, or more!

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