This is a great message for three reasons:

1) Miles leads with a compliment to my personality, rather than my face. This makes me open to what he’ll say next, because he’s showing me he’s different than those other guys.

2) He asks me a question based on a specific detail in my profile, and follows up with another broader question (bonus!).  This is excellent because Miles:

a) proves he read my profile,
b) starts a conversation about stuff sending that first message on a dating site share in common,
c) reinforces further that he’s interested in my thoughts, not just my looks, by asking more about the stuff I’m interested in.

3) Miles shows some of his own personality by asking about my fixer-upper house.  I can tell he’s excited about the same stuff I am, which makes me excited to talk to him.

This is fuckin’ gold, Miles!

3. Start a conversation.

This might seem obvious to you and Miles, sending that first message on a dating site, but so many guys don’t know HOW to do this!  They ask really general questions, like, “How’s your weekend going?” or “What’s up?”

These messages are the worst. 

While “How are you?” is a question, it doesn’t actually start a conversation.  I can reply, “Good. How are you?” but then we’re back where we started.  Pointless.  I never reply to these messages because they bug the shit out of me.

If you read a girl’s profile and can’t think of a question to ask her based on the information there, don’t message her at all.

A great first message jumps past pointless questions and right into specific questions.  The best questions you can ask have “long-game.”  That’s why it works so well to ask a girl about something you have in common.  When you bring up a topic you both like, you’ll both have lots to say about it, which paves the way for a longer conversation.

For example: say you and a girl are both snowboarders.  You could easily lead by asking her the question: “Where’s your favorite spot to snowboard around here?”  After she answers that, you’re probably also interested in asking how long she’s been snowboarding, what gear she likes, and if she has any upcoming trips planned.

Because you opened with a topic she’s interested in, too, she’ll probably ask you those questions back – plus more of her own.

That’s a lot to talk about, and that’s long-game.

To achieve this, you have to ask her questions.  The questions are the gas.  Making a statement, like, “I like snowboarding, too,” doesn’t move the conversation forward.

4. Keep it simple.

As a rule of thumb, ask one or two questions.  Some guys sending that first message on a dating site the mistake of firing off a long list of questions about a whole range of topics.  This is overwhelming to girls.  And it’s time-consuming to answer ten questions!

Stick with one or two low-pressure questions that make it easy for us to respond quickly because we’re interested.  Online dating is awesome because a girl’s profile is one big list of conversation topics.  Just pick one detail you think is cool, or you’re genuinely curious about, and ask her about it.

This guy does a nice job asking an easy question based on stuff we both like:

Following the release of Master of None’s second season, viewers took their love and adoration for the show to a place made for love and adoration: dating apps. Dev’s (Aziz Ansari) classic line “Going to Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?” began making the rounds on real-life dating sites. I advised any would-be daters against using the line because really, where’s the originality? As the show — and that joke — grow in popularity, your chances of standing out by using it are dropping drastically.

But while a joke — even a stolen one — is better than sliding into someone’s inbox with a vanilla “hey,” nailing that perfect opening line is. well, it’s terrifying.

Everyone has their own ideas on what works best. There are far more reasons to ignore someone you’ve matched with than there are reasons to engage. Did you change your mind? Was that swipe an accident, or a mischievous friend? Did you thumb yes while you were drunk, feeling lonely, curious, or bored? Do you really have the energy, sending that first message on a dating site, emotionally or physically, to see this endeavor through to a first date, let alone some semblance of a relationship?

Be the one to start the conversation

If you swipe on someone, be prepared to message them first. There’s nothing more juvenile than two people waiting for the other person to respond. You’ll never know why people reject you on a dating app (unless you’re clearly being gross), but all you can do is keep trying.

Dev’s copy-paste method works, in theory, sending that first message on a dating site, because of its “originality.” It’s different from the type of message most women are used to getting. As a serial non-responder, I can recall the number of Good Messages I’ve gotten pretty easily. One of my favorites? “I see that Pikachu on your shelf.” I’d used the selfie in question for months, and not a single person had ever pointed that out, sending that first message on a dating site. Instantly, I’d learned that this person had actually looked at my profile and was dorky enough to correctly identify the pokémon casually sitting on my bookshelf. It demonstrates that they, too, are into this silly thing that might be a turnoff for others. It was also short and to the point.

I’m personally of the opinion that your best bet is an opening message clearly meant for the person you’re engaging with. If you want to be more than a bubble in someone’s DMs, you need to treat them like more than a face in your matches. If there’s a reason you’ve swiped on a person (besides obviously finding them attractive), start there.

But, okay. You might want to go with the canned response route. One of my favorite lines, given to me from a colleague, is just using a person’s name with an exclamation point. “Megan!” is friendly without being creepy; it’s sort of personalized, but also takes zero effort. Sam Biddle wrote a Gawker (RIP) piece on the only line you’d ever need: “There she is.” (I personally find this creepy, but maybe it’s the GIF that greets you when you open the page.) Biddle reports overall success. One friend likes to ask people what kind of bagel they would be, while another says their favorite line was asking someone what ‘90s song would define their autobiography.

The commonality between all these lines is that they’re not pickup lines, in the traditional sense. A good opening message is genderless — friendly enough that you could text it to a friend, sending that first message on a dating site, but not so familiar that you’re being creepy. Which leads me to my next point: don’t be disgusting.

Seriously, don’t be gross

I can’t believe I have to say this, but based on how frequently I, and friends I know, get creep messages, it’s eternal advice. Not being a creep is actually so easy when you think of the person on the other end as a living, breathing human. Does this human, with thoughts and feelings like mine, want or really need my opinion of them? Would I say this in front of my parents, or theirs?

Like obscenity, you know creep when you see it. Here’s a good example, taken from my personal archives, to the right. No one got what they wanted from that conversation.

If you want to avoid a verbal slap or a reminder of our impending mortality, sending that first message on a dating site, keep it light. Don’t kick off the conversation with weird sexual innuendo. Let the conversation naturally make its way there if it’s going to happen. And if you’re not sure, avoid it altogether. Better safe than sorry.

These tips are tried and true practices, but hardly bulletproof. Using a cheesy joke on Tinder is not the same as a pickup in a bar because the person you’re talking to lacks crucial context clues on your tone and general body language. Once your message is out there, you can’t control how it’s received. There is no perfect pickup to attract the human of your dreams, mostly because people are not compliment repositories for you to dump clever lines into in exchange for love, devotion, or sex. Remember that above all else.

Krystal Baugher explains the “three sentence rule” for sending a first message on a dating site. “Hey, girl. You’re hot. Let’s bang.” is not in compliance.

I’ve been doing the whole online dating thing on and off for years now and, let me just say, I’ve had the entire range of good, bad, and ugly messages arrive in my inbox. There was a time I even created a blog to showcase some of the best of the worst because I felt the world should share in the horror with me.

This past week alone I’ve gotten enough poorly-executed messages to make me want to curl up in a ball of being-alone forever.

For example:

• “Hey.”
• “Hey sexy.”
• “Hey you.”
• “sexxy”
• “hhiiiii”
• “I’m not a creep just looking for sex. I’m a nice guy, looking for genuine connection.”
• “Can I just be honest here, why beat around the bush…I’d love to tear your clothes off ;)”
• “Feeling naughty?”
• “I don’t want to sound perv, but there is really no other way to say this. If you’re into it, I have a suite at the Mon Chalet if you wanna come see what’s going on.”

I try not to lose hope that there can be some genuine connections made through meeting someone on of the internet. Plenty of people seem to prove that every day. I’ve even made several lasting friends from some of my experiences.

The thing is, when it comes to sending messages many people freak out.

They want to say something, but they don’t know what. It’s similar to meeting someone in real life except (in my opinion) it’s actually an improved method of initiation due to the fact that most online dating sites give you profiles to work with. Thus, making an introduction easier and far-less intimidating. Plus, if rejection happens, it’s not as personal or awkward (usually).

Here’s the deal with the messaging thing: a lot of people have their own theories on how it works, what works best, etc. Some people think it’s cool to copy and paste an identical message to hundreds of other people, like bait in a lake full of carp. Some think just saying “hi” is enough. Others try the online equivalent of a catcall. Others try “negging.” Some send ridiculously long messages about their background and their overall philosophy and what they’re currently doing with their lives.

I’d like to say there’s no right or wrong way to message someone—everyone has something that works for them—but there is definitely a better way.

Too short and they go in the pile of “not worthy,” too long and they go into the pile of “not reading that novel!”

Here are three tips to help you get more responses:

1. Figure Yourself Out

Before even bothering another human being with the idea of spending time with you, it’s important to know what you’re looking for and to be honest with yourself about that. If you’re looking for an authentic committed relationship, something a bit more fleeting, someone to go out on adventures with, or someone to come over at night for Netflix binges, know your own wants and desires.

 2. The Pictures Are Nice, but…

The words in a person’s profile give you what you need to succeed. It seems crazy, I know, but take the one or two minutes it takes to actually read the profile. This will help spark an idea about where to take the message.

Bonus: You’ll find out if you truly want to message this person or if they’re just drawing you in with their physical appearance.

3. The Three Sentence Rule

Three sentences are all you need to write in a first message—this establishes your interest and initiates conversation.

The format is simple:

1. Greet

2. Compliment on a general interest (not physical appearance)

3. Ask a question

Here are two examples:

Oh hey there! I can totally get down waxing all philosophical like while watching Arrested Development and drinking mugs full of coffee. Did you see that Jeffrey Tambor has a new series? (I think it’s on Amazon Prime so who knows if I’ll ever see it).

Hope you have a great weekend.

 -K

Or…

Oh hello….NPR, Law, Romantic Cynicism, Glasses? Sold. I’ve been on an FKA Twigs kick recently. Are you into her at all?

 -K

Though the message is short, it creates a commonality and allows for a dialogue to easily start. Of course, finding your own tone and voice will definitely help too.

Good luck out there, and may the words be with you!

You sign up on a site or social media, create a profile, and now you are ready to write your first online dating message to someone who caught your eye, but you freeze when you try to type the words. Should you start off with a simple hello and see if you get a response? Should you wait until they take the dive first?

You may have tons of other questions running through your mind, but don’t let those doubts and worries stop you from reaching out to someone you are initially attracted to.

If you want online dating to be successful, the first message is crucial. Imagine being the home team at a baseball game and you are up to bat. The bases are loaded, it’s a full count, and your team is down by one run. Do you let your fear and nerves get to you? If you want to be successful, then of course you don’t! You wait for the right pitch, swing your bat, and hope for the best.

There is a lot of great advice on writing your online dating first message and it’s really simpler than you think. It’s easy to overcomplicate it and make too much of it but that’s a mistake! We’re going to show you how to write a simple and effective message that above all gets results. It might not be a homerun every time but it will definitely get you on base.

Alright, enough with the sports terms – let’s get you ready to send a well-devised message to someone!

The Title

When you are creating your first online dating message, don’t go overboard with the title. Keep it short and sweet and let the rest of your message do the talking for you. Here are some sample titles that you may want to use:

• Hi There
• I Really Enjoyed Reading Your Profile
• It Looks Like We Have a Lot in Common
• You Caught My Eye

Feel free to be creative but avoid saying “hey sexy” or “your body is so hot.”

The First Sentence

Find Some Common Ground

Prepping to send your first message on a dating app to that cute someone who’s caught your eye?

I know how it is – it’s exciting and scary. You’re eager to catch their eye and get the conversation started, but you’re afraid that what you write won’t be compelling enough.  

Your heart beating wildly, all kinds of thoughts race through your mind: What if I screw this up? What if I write something so lame that they don’t reply? Dammit.  

Well, let’s flip that: What if you write something so gosh darn awesome they can’t help but reply?

But we get it. Crafting that first online dating message is daunting. Because that opening message is so crucial to getting a reply, it has to be done right. 

Depending on dating apps and dating sites you're using and what your bio mentions, the openers can vary. So, we have shared plenty of examples that you can simply copy and paste.

12 Online Dating First Messages Examples

First Message Strategy #1: Introduce Yourself The Right Way

There’s a LOT to be said for introducing yourself in your first message, and yet so many people don’t do it.

Why not? Well, perhaps they just forget. 

But here’s the thing: Introducing yourself is basic online dating etiquette and it’s exactly what you’d do in most other real-life social scenarios.

Just picture yourself at a networking event, for example. What’s the first thing you might say to someone you’ve met that night? Maybe you’ll open with a wry observation of something that happened that night, but the most likely option you’ll take is to introduce yourself.

Example:

“Hey! I’m Chloe :)”

It’s that simple and it’s safe and risk-free. 

First Message Strategy #2: Introduce Yourself With a Twist 

If a simple hello seems too safe and risk-free, you can be a little bit more adventurous should you wish.

I often like to open with a quick joke before transitioning to my introduction.

Examples:

“Is it just me or *insert witty observation here* …

“Ha. Hi! I’m Will.” 

Starting with a joke is a little bit more exciting and it helps to build rapport before going in with the introduction line. If cracking a joke isn’t your forte (at least online) then you can try something a bit different.

Like this:

“Hola! I’m sad to say that’s the only Spanish I know :(.”

“Ha. Hey, I’m Julia. How’s it going?”

Whatever you decide to open with, following it with your intro is always a smart idea because it encourages them to do the same. All of a sudden, you’ve both introduced yourselves and a small connection has been made. 

Moreover, introducing yourself shows you’ve got basic manners. It looks so much better than leading with something like this: “What’s up?”

Check this article to find 50 great Text Conversation Starters To Go Beyond “Hey”

First Message Strategy #3: Use Their Name 

Addressing them by their name in your first message shows that you’ve taken the care to actually read their online dating profile properly, and it shows that this is definitely not a generic message. Even though it’s such a small thing, it can help to build rapport and a feeling of warmth straight away. 

Examples:

“Hey Mike!”

Then, you can work on introducing yourself. Like this: 

“Hey Mike! I’m Lydia.”

First Message Strategy #4: Tell Them It’s Nice To Meet Them 

Sometimes, you have to be a bit clever with how you write your message so that you get a response.

For example, you could plant a seed in their subconscious mind that’s designed to encourage them to respond.

Example:

“Hey Mike! I’m Lydia. Nice to meet you.”

By using that simple phrase – it’s nice to meet you – you’re assuming they’re going to reply. This assumption can be very powerful on a subconscious level as it’s saying to them that, yeah, it’s really nice to meet you, too. 

First Message Strategy #5: Pick Up On Something On Their Profile 

When you pick up on something that’s unique to their profile, you’re demonstrating that you’ve taken the time to read their profile properly and that you’re not just using the same copy-and-paste message you use on other people. 

This is, of course, impossible to do if they haven’t written anything in their bio and have pretty boring pics. If that’s the case, well, my question is this: Why would you message them at all? 

If I’m stuck for something to say in my opener to someone, I take a look at their bio and pick something out to comment on. 

Admittedly, this kind of thing can require some mental gymnastics. For example, if they’ve written something like “Netflix, wine, and cheese,” you don’t have a lot to go off. But there’s something there at least and you just need to use your imagination.

Examples:

“Hey, I noticed you like Netflix too. Pleaseeeee tell me you were as sad as I was that Stranger Things ended!!” 

“If haloumi isn’t in your top 3 cheeses we can’t be friends.”

First Message Strategy #6: Kick Start a Conversation With a Question 

One of the easiest ways to get a response from someone is to ask a question.

That said, your question has to be at least one of these things:

• Compelling
• Unusual
• Interesting 
• Fun
• Funny

“How was your weekend?” could get you a response. But it’s pretty lame and even if you did get a response, where is the conversation going to go?

What you want to do is ask a question that will almost guarantee an interesting response that will kick start a convo. 

There are a variety of interesting and fun open ended questions that you can ask, and we haven’t got the time to go into them here. But I always feel it’s a good idea to go with one that creates room for a bit of role-play.

Like this:

“We’re the last two people on earth. There’s a knock at our door! What do we do?!” 

“What your favorite movie that you can never stop watching?”

“What's your favorite band and why?”

“What you love to do in your spare time? ”

“What's your favorite restaurant?”

This will engage them, it will get them thinking and it will elicit a fun response that allows room for you both to create a mini-story.  

50 Amazing Online Dating Questions To Start The Conversation

First Message Strategy #7: Keep It Short and Sweet

It’s pretty wrenching when you craft a super long message that you’re really proud of and you know is interesting … but they don’t reply. 

What gives? 

It hurts more when people don’t reply to long messages, mainly because it’s taken you so much time and effort for zero rewards. 

However, you should put yourself in the shoes of the other person. Imagine you’re in a bar and a cute someone walks up to you. During their ‘introduction,’ they talk for 10 minutes without letting you get a word in. 

Wow. It’s just too much. 

And it’s more or less the same with online dating. It’s best to keep it short (but not too short – 100 characters is a good rule of thumb) and sweet. Introduce yourself, pick up on something on their profile and maybe ask a question, too. But don’t overwhelm them. 

First Message Strategy #8: Focus On Common Interests

Make sure you don’t fall into No-Man’s Land by mentioning things you don’t have in common.

So many guys and girls forget to establish a common ground. On dating sites and dating apps, profiles have a lot to information that can help you establish a common ground so make sure you look at other person's profile.

Message Examples:

“Hey, wow, that’s so cool you went skydiving. I’ve never done it! What’s it like?” 

While this might get them talking about themselves, it’s not really good for creating that initial spark that’s so important. 

This is why it’s a MUCH smarter idea to – for now at least – bring up things you have in common, and which you can have an early laugh about. 

First Message Strategy #9: Barely Talk About Yourself 

Your opener should be focused on the other person, so try to keep any talk about you to a minimum. There’s no need to brag about your achievements in your opener or to bowl them over with a “hilarious” anecdote. 

You could create a rapport by mentioning something that you both have in common, but always make sure to steer things back to them.

Message Examples:

“Haha I’m a Netflix addict too! What’s your all-time fav show?” 

If you focus too much on yourself in your very first online dating message, it’s going to make you look too self-obsessed straight away. 

First Message Strategy #10: Tease Them 

Teasing someone early on is a tad risky but if you pull it off just right, it can really work for you.

Examples of such online dating openers:

let’s say someone’s written that they’re a Taurus in their profile. I might then open with a message like this: 

“Dammit. I was going to say that you’re absolutely perfect but then I realized you’re a Taurus. I’m a Leo. Unfortunately, I can’t get with a Taurus.”

Now, this type of message could backfire to the point where you don’t get a reply because – for some people – it’s got a negative theme. On the other hand, it’s a great way to tease someone straight away and elicit curiosity.

If they’re into your profile, they might be thinking “Heck, why can’t they get with a Taurus?” 

And they’ll straight out ask you. 

First Message Strategy #11: Don’t Go Heavy With The Compliments 

While saying something like “Oh, nice hair! How’d you get it to stay looking like that??” is perfectly fine, something like “You’re honestly the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,” is way too cringe and weird in your opening message. 

Read this guide to see what are the best compliments for women.

First Message Strategy #12: Don’t Send a Follow Up Message 

Lastly, once your opener has been signed, sealed, and delivered, it’s time to message other people.

Why? Because this will get you out of the mindset whereby you’re waiting for a reply from that one person. 

And when you wait for a reply from one person, it’s very easy to get obsessed to the point where you send them a follow-up message when they don’t respond.

Example:

“Hey! I know you haven’t replied yet but just thought I’d give this one last shot because you do look super cool.” 

The follow up is a massive no-no because it subconsciously makes them un-attracted to you. The best thing to do is to shoot a few other people a message so that you’re not fixated by one person. 

Read this article to learn How Often Should You Text A Girl To Keep Her Interested

Takeaway: Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how awesome your icebreaker is, they won’t get back to you. Maybe they just don't check the dating app, maybe they’re super busy or maybe they’re already super into someone else. But if you keep refining your starter message and use these online dating tips to score more dates.

This is a great message for three reasons:

1) Miles leads with a compliment to my personality, rather than my face. This makes me open to what he’ll say next, because he’s showing me he’s different than those other guys.

2) He asks me a question based on a specific detail in my profile, and follows up with another broader question (bonus!).  This is excellent because Miles:

a) proves he read my profile,
b) starts a conversation about stuff we share in common,
c) reinforces further that he’s interested in my thoughts, not just my looks, by asking more about the stuff I’m interested in.

3) Miles shows some of his own personality by asking about my fixer-upper house.  I can tell he’s excited about the same stuff I am, which makes me excited to talk to him.

This is fuckin’ gold, Miles!

3. Start a conversation.

This might seem obvious to you and Miles, but so many guys don’t know HOW to do this!  They ask really general questions, like, “How’s your weekend going?” or “What’s up?”

These messages are the worst. 

While “How are you?” is a question, it doesn’t actually start a conversation.  I can reply, “Good. How are you?” but then we’re back where we started.  Pointless.  I never reply to these messages because they bug the shit out of me.

If you read a girl’s profile and can’t think of a question to ask her based on the information there, don’t message her at all.

A great first message jumps past pointless questions and right into specific questions.  The best questions you can ask have “long-game.”  That’s why it works so well to ask a girl about something you have in common.  When you bring up a topic you both like, you’ll both have lots to say about it, which paves the way for a longer conversation.

For example: say you and a girl are both snowboarders.  You could easily lead by asking her the question: “Where’s your favorite spot to snowboard around here?”  After she answers that, you’re probably also interested in asking how long she’s been snowboarding, what gear she likes, and if she has any upcoming trips planned.

Because you opened with a topic she’s interested in, too, she’ll probably ask you those questions back – plus more of her own.

That’s a lot to talk about, and that’s long-game.

To achieve this, you have to ask her questions.  The questions are the gas.  Making a statement, like, “I like snowboarding, too,” doesn’t move the conversation forward.

4. Keep it simple.

As a rule of thumb, ask one or two questions.  Some guys make the mistake of firing off a long list of questions about a whole range of topics.  This is overwhelming to girls.  And it’s time-consuming to answer ten questions!

Stick with one or two low-pressure questions that make it easy for us to respond quickly because we’re interested.  Online dating is awesome because a girl’s profile is one big list of conversation topics.  Just pick one detail you think is cool, or you’re genuinely curious about, and ask her about it.

This guy does a nice job asking an easy question based on stuff we both like:

“Don’t bother matching if you’re not going to message!”

As an online dater, I see this rather cross command (or ones very like it) in the bios of men across a range of dating apps. And reading it, I always feel rather rebuked. It’s like your parents sending you to your room for being sullen, saying: “Don’t come downstairs unless you’re going to put a smile on your face!” Or teachers telling you to be quiet, “unless you’ve got something useful to contribute!” 

It’s all a bit stern—which isn’t a great tone to take when you’re trying to woo someone. When Julia Roberts walks into the Notting Hill bookstore, you don’t see Hugh Grant snarling: “Don’t touch the books if you’re not going to buy them!” Just as Patrick Swayze doesn’t spoil the pottery scene in Ghost by snapping at Demi Moore: “Don’t get the clay out if you’re not going to concentrate on what you’re doing!” 

Of course, it’s perfectly reasonable to want a match to lead to messaging—and from there, to frisson-fuelled dating, and a lovely relationship involving lazy Sundays in bed with Bucks Fizz, Eggs Benedict, warm bodies and cool sheets. 

Surely that’s what we all want (or maybe some of that’s just me). But assuming everyone on dating apps is looking for love, lust, and a plus-one for weddings, why would anyone be matching if they have no intention of taking it any further? It doesn’t make sense, right? So, if you’re getting matches, but no response to your messages, could it be that the problem lies in the messages you’re sending? 

For over a decade, I’ve dipped into online dating whenever I’ve been single, and each time I download a dating app, I embrace my husband hunt with the exuberance of Jennifer Grey launching herself at the stage in the last scene of Dirty Dancing. Full of optimism, I swipe right on men with nice forearms in sky-blue shirts, who look like they could carry me across the threshold (and up the stairs). 

And yet, as the messages trickle into my inbox, I start to despair. “Hi” say 70 per cent of them, with all the effort and eloquence of Kevin & Perry mumbling in the direction of their trainers. “Hi Sam,” say a few others, making me wonder whether they’d be quite so cavalier with their abbreviations if they were addressing Joanna Lumley. 

Offering barely any more in the way of conversation are ones that say: “Hi, how are you?” And faced with a dozen or so messages along these lines, my will to live (let alone reply) is on a par with Sylvia Plath sticking her head in an oven. 

At the other end of the spectrum are men who ask me out in the first message, before we’ve interacted. It’s as if rapport is irrelevant, and the (often) copy-and-paste quality of the message suggests a scattergun approach, as if anyone will do. This is like leaving the sommelier to choose your wine without having a chat about which regions you like, or what you’ll be eating. And actually, I’m looking for a man who’s rather more discerning. 

Of course, these messaging blunders aren’t only made by men—and men are often equally disheartened by them. Glen Ocsko, aka Dating Dad despairs at receiving “Hi” as an initial message, declaring: “There’s nothing lazier!” Having sampled numerous apps, he says: “It's even more frustrating when this happens on Bumble, where the woman is in control of starting the conversation on her own terms—such a lacklustre opener utterly negates this feature.” 

So rather than disappointing your match with a damp squib, how can your first message strike like Cupid’s arrow? Here are some hints… 

• If you’re feeling jaded due to rarely hearing back, it’s tempting to make minimal effort when you reach out to a new match—but if you make the minimum effort, that’s all you’ll get back (if anything) so do go beyond “Hi, how are you?” 
  
• If you find messaging tedious, you might want to skip it entirely by asking out your match in the first message. But if you develop a rapport, your match is more likely to say yes to a date. Childcare and other commitments mean they can’t meet up with everyone, so if you want them to meet you, establish a connection before asking. 
  
• Writing one message and sending it to everyone you match with might seem like a time saver, but copy-and-pastes leave the reader feeling something’s amiss. It’s like accidentally opening your neighbour’s post—it doesn’t quite seem like it’s for you (then you notice the address and realise why). So do tailor each message. 

• Use your match’s bio and photos as a starting off point. Savvy daters will already be doing this, so make your message stand out (and kick-start the conversation) by sharing an anecdote of your own—and always include a question so your match has something to respond to, for example:  
  
• Instead of saying, “nice hat, it suits you!” say: “I love your hat! Was that Ascot? Last time I went I put £1 each way on Filly O’Fish and went home with enough money to redo my kitchen. Well, enough to buy some bleach to get the kids’ biro off the walls. Do you like a flutter?” 
  
• Rather than, “I see you like running—I bet that keeps you fit!” say: “Beautiful scenery—was that the Royal Parks Half? I want to do that next year. I had my eye on the Marathon des Sables, but I reassessed my options after a windy day at Camber Sands ;-) Have you done any marathons abroad?” 
  
• In place of, “Looks like you’re enjoying the sun—I can’t wait to get away!” say: “Stunning harbour—is that Guernsey? I lost my shoes to the tide, wild swimming in Sark. I had to tiptoe through a field full of cowpats, then a waiter lent me some sandals. The seafood there’s amazing. Do you like oysters?” 

Samantha Rea can be found tweeting here

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I’ll never forget the first time I made the first move. In the role of a lifetime, I, a twelve-year-old girl with the confidence of Kelly Kapoor, asked my crush Bobby Wiebe to the middle school dance. He shrugged, muttered “cool”… and I was convinced we were headed for marriage. To my dismay, Bobby never actually showed. He—and I can’t make this up—ditched my Chumbawumba swaying ass to hang out with his grandmother. Well drag me to hell, is this dating?!

If you too have been burned by a Bobby (of any gender), it may be tempting to walk directly into the sea and never speak to another human again. But know this! We are the captains of our own destiny, and while the thought of sending the first like, message or DM can feel bonkers daunting, it can also be the start of something new.

So, in an effort to learn what might spark a romantical connection, we spoke to Bumble’slove doctor chief brand officer Alex Williamson and best believe we took notes. William says “your ice-breaking introduction line can make all the difference.” Scroll down for seven of her best no-nonsense tips.

1. DON’T be a snore

Standard “what up” and “how was your day” opening lines don’t inspire a riveting conversation, if even a response. “Honestly, through data, we’ve found that you’re less likely to receive a response if you just say something like, ‘hey’” says Williamson. AKA generic need not apply. Instead try something like, “I’m racking my brain trying to figure out why you look so familiar!”

2. DO reference their bio

The bio is your g. damn best friend. It’s a) a surefire way to determine if your match fits the personality bill and b) a source of easy talking points. Is there an Eiffel tower emoji in their write up? BOOM, let’s talk travel. Did they mention they enjoy fishing? Are they fans of mermaids, real or fake? Reply with your thoughts. “Be complimentary or identify what you have in common! It’s so easy to do and can help create a sense of familiarity as you start getting to know someone,” says Williamson.

3. DON’T be gross

Coming on too strong is an absolute no-no. Everyone needs to keep it in their pants unless otherwise advised—which means no innuendos and no lewd and crude remarks. (This feels like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised.)

4. DO use a GIF

This is behaviour we’re happy to encourage. GIFs make for great icebreakers—and we’d be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn’t respond positively to Riri winking in their direction. It’s fun, it’s cheeky and it’s sure to get you a reply.

5. DO ask Qs

Little known fact: EVERYONE likes to talk about themselves. Strike up a convo regarding something you see in their profile or send over a probing “would you rather” scenario. My personal fave approach is asking the hard-hitting Qs like, “What are your thoughts on light wash jeans?” (There are a lot of strong opinions about denim washes out there, okay?)

6. DON’T try negging

Tone is tough via text, but nitpicking a photo ain’t it, sis. According to Williamson, it’s best to, “avoid being sarcastic right off the bat. It’s hard to fully understand someone’s sense of humour before chatting with them, so it’s better to be straightforward and clear to kick off the conversation on the right note.”

7. DO send short and sweet messages

Stay clear of novel-length blurbs. You’re just starting to get to know one another and much like a sensible salad, it’s best to keep it light.

Following the release of Master of None’s second season, viewers took their love and adoration for the show to a place made for love and adoration: dating apps. Dev’s (Aziz Ansari) classic line “Going to Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?” began making the rounds on real-life dating sites. I advised any would-be daters against using the line because really, where’s the originality? As the show — and that joke — grow in popularity, your chances of standing out by using it are dropping drastically.

But while a joke — even a stolen one — is better than sliding into someone’s inbox with a vanilla “hey,” nailing that perfect opening line is... well, it’s terrifying.

Everyone has their own ideas on what works best. There are far more reasons to ignore someone you’ve matched with than there are reasons to engage. Did you change your mind? Was that swipe an accident, or a mischievous friend? Did you thumb yes while you were drunk, feeling lonely, curious, or bored? Do you really have the energy, emotionally or physically, to see this endeavor through to a first date, let alone some semblance of a relationship?

Be the one to start the conversation

If you swipe on someone, be prepared to message them first. There’s nothing more juvenile than two people waiting for the other person to respond. You’ll never know why people reject you on a dating app (unless you’re clearly being gross), but all you can do is keep trying.

Dev’s copy-paste method works, in theory, because of its “originality.” It’s different from the type of message most women are used to getting. As a serial non-responder, I can recall the number of Good Messages I’ve gotten pretty easily. One of my favorites? “I see that Pikachu on your shelf.” I’d used the selfie in question for months, and not a single person had ever pointed that out. Instantly, I’d learned that this person had actually looked at my profile and was dorky enough to correctly identify the pokémon casually sitting on my bookshelf. It demonstrates that they, too, are into this silly thing that might be a turnoff for others. It was also short and to the point.

I’m personally of the opinion that your best bet is an opening message clearly meant for the person you’re engaging with. If you want to be more than a bubble in someone’s DMs, you need to treat them like more than a face in your matches. If there’s a reason you’ve swiped on a person (besides obviously finding them attractive), start there.

But, okay. You might want to go with the canned response route. One of my favorite lines, given to me from a colleague, is just using a person’s name with an exclamation point. “Megan!” is friendly without being creepy; it’s sort of personalized, but also takes zero effort. Sam Biddle wrote a Gawker (RIP) piece on the only line you’d ever need: “There she is.” (I personally find this creepy, but maybe it’s the GIF that greets you when you open the page.) Biddle reports overall success. One friend likes to ask people what kind of bagel they would be, while another says their favorite line was asking someone what ‘90s song would define their autobiography.

The commonality between all these lines is that they’re not pickup lines, in the traditional sense. A good opening message is genderless — friendly enough that you could text it to a friend, but not so familiar that you’re being creepy. Which leads me to my next point: don’t be disgusting.

Seriously, don’t be gross

I can’t believe I have to say this, but based on how frequently I, and friends I know, get creep messages, it’s eternal advice. Not being a creep is actually so easy when you think of the person on the other end as a living, breathing human. Does this human, with thoughts and feelings like mine, want or really need my opinion of them? Would I say this in front of my parents, or theirs?

Like obscenity, you know creep when you see it. Here’s a good example, taken from my personal archives, to the right. No one got what they wanted from that conversation.

If you want to avoid a verbal slap or a reminder of our impending mortality, keep it light. Don’t kick off the conversation with weird sexual innuendo. Let the conversation naturally make its way there if it’s going to happen. And if you’re not sure, avoid it altogether. Better safe than sorry.

These tips are tried and true practices, but hardly bulletproof. Using a cheesy joke on Tinder is not the same as a pickup in a bar because the person you’re talking to lacks crucial context clues on your tone and general body language. Once your message is out there, you can’t control how it’s received. There is no perfect pickup to attract the human of your dreams, mostly because people are not compliment repositories for you to dump clever lines into in exchange for love, devotion, or sex. Remember that above all else.