If you're in an interracial relationship, you may be crazy about your partner but dismayed that others disapprove. So, what’s the best way to handle the objections? Communication and boundary-setting are key. Above all else, take the steps necessary to protect your relationship in the face of ongoing negativity.

Don’t Assume the Worst

For your own mental health, assume that most people have good intentions. If you notice eyes on you and your significant other as you walk down the street, don’t automatically think it’s because the passersby disapprove of your interracial union. Perhaps people are staring because they consider you a particularly attractive couple. Perhaps people are staring because they applaud you for being in a mixed relationship or because they belong to a mixed couple themselves. It’s quite common for members of interracial couples to notice similar couples.

Don't Give the Haters Any of Your Time

Of course, there are times when strangers on the street are openly hostile. Their eyes really do fill with hate at the sight of interracial couples. So, what should you do when you’re on the receiving end of their glares? Nothing. Just look away and keep going about your business, even if the stranger actually shouts out an insult. Getting into a confrontation is unlikely to do much good. Moreover, your choice of mate is absolutely no one’s concern but yours. The best thing you can do is not give the haters any of your time.

Don’t Spring Your Relationship on Loved Ones

No one knows your family and friends as you do. If they’re open-minded liberal types or have had an interracial relationship or two themselves, they’re unlikely to make a fuss upon meeting your new partner. If, in contrast, they’re socially conservative and have no friends of a different race, let alone dated anyone of mixed race, you might want to sit them down and let them know that you’re now a part of a mixed couple.

You might frown upon this idea if you think of yourself as color-blind, but giving your loved ones advance notice that you’re in an interracial relationship will spare you and your partner from an awkward first encounter with your friends and family. Without advance notice, your mother might grow visibly flustered, or your best friends might ask if they can speak to you in the next room to grill you about your relationship.

Are you prepared to have these kinds of awkward encounters? And how will you react if your partner's feelings are hurt because of your loved ones’ behavior? To avoid drama and pain, tell your loved ones about your interracial relationship in advance. It’s the kindest move to make for all involved, including yourself.

Dialogue With Disapproving Family and Friends

Say you tell your friends and family that you’re now part of an interracial couple. They react by telling you that your children will have it hard in life or that the Bible forbids interracial coupling. Rather than angrily labeling them ignorant racists and dismissing them, try to address your family’s concerns. Point out that mixed-race kids who are raised in loving homes and allowed to embrace all sides of their heritage don’t fare any worse than other children. Let them know that interracial couples such as Moses and his Ethiopian wife even appear in the Bible.

Read up on interracial relationships and the common misconceptions that surround them to put to rest the concerns your loved ones have about your new union. If you shut off communication with your loved ones, it’s unlikely that their misconceptions will be corrected or that they will become more accepting of your relationship.

Protect Your Partner

Does your partner really need to hear every hurtful remark your racist relatives have made? Not in the slightest. Shield your partner from hurtful comments. This isn’t only to spare the feelings of your significant other. If your friends and family ever do come around, your partner can forgive them and move forward free of resentment. 

Of course, if your family disapproves of your relationship, you’ll have to let your partner know, but you can do so without going into excruciating detail about race. Yes, your partner may have already experienced racism and the pain of being stereotyped, but that doesn’t mean he or she no longer finds bigotry unsettling. No one should grow accustomed to racial prejudice.

Set Boundaries

Are your friends and family trying to force you to end your interracial relationship? Perhaps they keep trying to set you up with people who share your racial background. Perhaps they pretend as if your significant other doesn’t exist or go out of their way to make your mate uncomfortable. If you’re experiencing any of these scenarios, it’s time to set some boundaries with your meddling loved ones. 

Let them know that you’re an adult capable of choosing an appropriate mate. If they don’t find your mate appropriate, that’s their problem. They have no right to undermine the decisions you’ve made. Furthermore, it’s hurtful for them to disrespect someone you care about, especially if they’re only doing so because of race.

Set Ground Rules

Which ground rules you set with your loved ones are up to you. The important thing is to follow through on them. If you tell your mother that you won’t attend family functions unless she also invites your significant other, stick to your word. If your mother sees that you’re not going to let up, she’ll decide to either include your mate in family functions or risk losing you.

By Amanda Mitchell

For many, 2020 has been an eye-opening year when it comes to how we view race and racial dynamics in America. It’s not enough to simply “not be racist” anymore, you have to actively work to be anti-racist. 

I’m a Black woman in America, and never has it been so important to me that everyone in my life is actively supporting and working towards change—and yes, that includes the people I’m dating, especially if they’re not Black themselves. 

While there are far fewer stigmas against interracial dating in the U.S. now than in decades past, we still have a long way to go. What I’ve learned is that if you’re looking to pursue someone not of your race on a serious level, you have to think critically about those relationship dynamics and how your differences play a part. Here are a few ways of doing just that: 

Have a conversation about it 

When dating interracially, it’s vital to talk openly with a partner to make sure they’re mentally prepared to be dating someone of a different race. Don’t make it a taboo subject—try to have conversations about race and the potential challenges of being in an interracial relationship often. “When you add conversations about your culture to your relationship, you can create more expansive ways to understand, empathize, and communicate with your partner,” says sex therapist and psychotherapist Veronica N. Chin Hing-Michaluk.

Talking about race will allow you to learn how to support each other, what will hurt each other, and how best to relate. And if you eventually decide to have children and build a life together, you want to make sure you both understand the cultural impact of those decisions. 

Make a pointed effort to understand each other 

To have those open, productive conversations about race with a partner, you have to try to understand their experience. “It’s important not to step into the relationship making assumptions about the other person’s culture or worldview,” says relationship therapist Genesis Games.

She suggests coming from a place of genuine curiosity and asking open-ended questions like ‘What would you say is an experience your race has but mine does not?’ or ‘Have you ever dealt with racism, and how can I learn from that and do better in the future?’ 

Chin Hing-Michaluk recommends looking inward, and asking your partner how they interact with the world because of their race. Questions like ‘How do you locate yourself racially and culturally in the world?’ and ‘What are some of your thoughts on race relations in society?’ can assist in building sensitivity and awareness of differing lived experiences, as well as help you figure out how aligned your views are. 

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt 

If you start noticing some problematic behavior from your partner, it’s first important to understand if they’re blatantly racist or if they’re unaware of racist views and behaviors that have been ingrained in them, because those are two very different concerns. Don’t ascribe to malice what you can to ignorance; class consciousness and antiracist practices have to be cultivated over time. “If the person is aware of their biases and is interested in unlearning them, the relationship has the potential of succeeding,” says Games. 

But if you find that the person you’re dating has deep-rooted racist beliefs, expresses bigotry, or fetishizes you, it’s best to just end it. “Your responsibility is not to change who they are as a person or their value system,” says Games. “Being in a relationship with someone who sees you as ‘less than’ is abusive and detrimental to your mental health.”

It’s okay to have deal breakers

“Because of how polarized race relations are in America, interracial relationships take a particular type of work to intentionally create space for one another’s identities,” says Chin Hung-Michaluk. Doing that work takes real effort and vulnerability, and if you’re a person of color, it’s completely valid to set your own requirements for what you’d need from a potential partner in order to put that kind of effort into a relationship. 

All relationships involve learning about someone else and how their experiences shaped them. Being in an interracial relationship can sometimes make that more complicated, but having those differences and learning from each other is almost always worth it. 

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