Interracial relationships have taken place in America since colonial times, but couples in such romances continue to face problems and challenges.

America’s first “mulatto” child was born in 1620. When the enslavement of Black people became institutionalized in the U.S., however, anti-miscegenation laws surfaced in various states that barred such unions, thereby stigmatizing them. Miscegenation is defined by sexual relations between people from different racial groups. The term stems from the Latin words "miscere" and "genus," which mean "to mix" and "race," respectively. 

Incredibly, anti-miscegenation laws remained on the books until the latter half of the 20th century, making interracial relationships taboo and posing barriers to mixed-race couples.

Interracial Relationships and Violence

A major reason interracial relationships continue to carry stigma is their association with violence. Although in early America members of different races openly procreated with one another, the introduction of institutionalized enslavement changed the nature of such relationships entirely. The raping of African American women by enslavers, plantation owners, and other powerful whites during this period have cast an ugly shadow on genuine relationships between Black women and white men. On the flip side, African American men who so much as looked at a white woman could be killed, and brutally so.

Author Mildred D. Taylor describes the fear that interracial relationships invoked in the Black community in the Depression-era south in "Let the Circle Be Unbroken," a historical novel based on her family’s real-life experiences. When protagonist Cassie Logan’s cousin visits from the North to announce that he’s taken a white wife, the entire Logan family is aghast.

“Cousin Bud had separated himself from the rest of us… for white people were part of another world, distant strangers who ruled our lives and were better left alone,” Cassie thinks. “When they entered our lives, they were to be treated courteously, but with aloofness, and sent away as quickly as possible. Besides, for a Black man to even look at a white woman was dangerous.”

This was no understatement, as the case of Emmett Till proves. While visiting Mississippi in 1955, the Chicago teen was murdered by a pair of white men for allegedly whistling at a white woman. Till’s murder sparked international outcry and motivated Americans of all races to join the civil rights movement.

The Fight for Interracial Marriage

Just three years after Emmett Till’s horrific murder, Mildred Jeter, an African American, married Richard Loving, a white man, in the District of Columbia. After returning to their home state of Virginia, the Lovings were arrested for breaking the state’s anti-miscegenation laws but were told the one-year prison sentence given to them would be dropped if they left Virginia and did not return as a couple for 25 years. The Lovings violated this condition, returning to Virginia as a couple to visit family. When authorities discovered them, they were again arrested. This time they appealed the charges against them until their case made it to the Supreme Court, which ruled in 1967 that anti-miscegenation laws violated the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.

In addition to calling marriage a basic civil right, the Court stated, “Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State.”

During the height of the civil rights movement, not only did laws change regarding interracial marriage but public views did as well. That the public was slowly embracing interracial unions is evidenced by the theatrical release of a 1967 film based entirely on an imminent interracial marriage, “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” To boot, by this time, the fight for civil rights had grown very integrated. White and Black people often fought for racial justice side-by-side, allowing interracial romance to bloom. In "Black, White and Jewish: Autobiography of a Shifting Self," Rebecca Walker, daughter of African American novelist Alice Walker and Jewish lawyer Mel Leventhal, described the ethos that impelled her activist parents to marry.

“When they meet… my parents are idealists, they are social activists… they believe in the power of organized people working for change,” Walker wrote. “In 1967, when my parents break all the rules and marry against laws that say they can’t, they say that an individual should not be bound to the wishes of their family, race, state, or country. They say that love is the tie that binds, and not blood.”

Interracial Relationships and Rebellion

When civil rights activists married, they not only challenged laws but sometimes their own families. Even someone who dates interracially today runs the risk of incurring the disapproval of friends and family. Such opposition to interracial relationships has been documented in American literature for centuries. Helen Hunt Jackson’s novel "Ramona" is a case in point. In it, a woman named Señora Moreno objects to her adoptive daughter Ramona’s impending marriage to a Temecula man named Alessandro.

“You marry an Indian?” Señora Moreno exclaims. “Never! Are you mad? I will never permit it.”

What’s astonishing about Señora Moreno’s objection is that Ramona is half-Native American herself. Still, Señora Moreno believes that Ramona is superior to a full-blooded Native American. Always an obedient girl, Ramona rebels for the first time when she chooses to marry Alessandro. She tells Señora Moreno that forbidding her to marry him is useless. “The whole world cannot keep me from marrying Alessandro. I love him…,” she declares.

Are You Willing to Sacrifice?

Standing up like Ramona did requires strength. While it’s certainly not wise to allow narrow-minded family members to dictate your love life, ask yourself if you’re willing to be disowned, disinherited or otherwise mistreated to pursue an interracial relationship. If not, it’s best to find a mate of whom your family approves.

On the other hand, if you’re newly involved in such a relationship and only fear that your family may disapprove, consider having a sit-down conversation with your relatives about your interracial romance. Address any concerns they have about your new mate as calmly and clearly as possible. Of course, you may end up deciding to agree to disagree with your family about your relationship. Whatever you do, avoid springing your interracial romance on family members by unexpectedly inviting your new love to a family function. That could make things uncomfortable for both your family and your partner.

Examine Your Motives

When involved in an interracial relationship, it’s also important to examine your motives for entering such a union. Reconsider the relationship if rebellion is at the root of your decision to date across color lines. Relationship author Barbara DeAngelis states in her book "Are You the One for Me?" that a person who consistently dates individuals with qualities diametrically opposed to those their family finds appropriate may be acting out against their parents. For example, DeAngelis describes a white Jewish woman named Brenda whose parents want her to find a white Jewish, single and successful man. Instead, Brenda repeatedly chooses Black Christian men who are married or commitment-phobic and only sometimes professionally successful.

“The point here is not that relationships between people of different backgrounds don’t work. But if you have a pattern of choosing partners who not only don’t fulfill you but also upset your family, you are probably acting out of rebellion,” DeAngelis writes.

In addition to dealing with family disapproval, those involved in interracial relationships sometimes deal with disapproval from their greater racial community. You may be viewed as a “sellout” or a “race traitor” for dating interracially. Some racial groups may approve of men dating interracially but not women or vice versa. In "Sula," author Toni Morrison describes this double standard.

They said that Sula slept with white men...All minds were closed to her when that word was passed around...The fact that their own skin color was proof that it had happened in their families was no deterrent to their bile. Nor was the willingness of black men to lie in the beds of white women a consideration that might lead them toward tolerance.

Dealing with Racial Fetishes

In today’s society, where interracial relationships are generally accepted, some people have developed what are known as racial fetishes. That is, they’re only interested in dating a particular racial group based on attributes they believe people from those groups embody. Chinese American writer Kim Wong Keltner describes such fetishes in her novel "The Dim Sum of All Things," in which a young woman named Lindsey Owyang is the protagonist.

“Although Lindsey was admittedly attracted to white boys, she…hated the idea of some pervert honing in on her because of her black hair, almond-shaped eyes, or any of the submissive, back-scrubbing fantasies her physical features might suggest to a large, clumsy mammal in tube socks.”

While Lindsey Owyang rightfully shies away from white men drawn to Asian women based on stereotypes, it’s equally important that she examines why she exclusively dates white men (which is revealed later). As the book progresses, the reader learns that Lindsey harbors considerable shame about being Chinese American. She finds the customs, food, and people largely repellent. But just as dating interracially based on stereotypes is objectionable, so is dating someone from another background because you suffer from internalized racism. The individual you’re dating, not racial identity politics, should be your primary reason for entering an interracial relationship.

If it’s your partner and not you who exclusively dates interracially, ask probing questions to find out why. Have a full-on discussion about it. If your partner finds members of her own racial group unattractive that reveals much about how she views herself and other groups as well.

The Key to a Successful Relationship

Interracial relationships, as all relationships do, pose their fair share of problems. But the tensions that arise from loving cross-racially can be overcome with good communication and by settling down with a partner who shares your principles. Common ethics and morals arguably prove more significant than common racial backgrounds in determining a couple’s success.

While Barbara DeAngelis acknowledges that interracial couples face serious difficulties, she’s also found, “Couples who share similar values have a much greater chance of creating a happy, harmonious and lasting relationship.”

“Interracial relationships don’t work.”

I’ve heard that from various people all my life. Now, at 35, I’m a Minnesota-raised Indian-American recently married to a white American from South Louisiana. I wish we could be all kumbaya-we’re-all-human-beings-love-is-love, but in this current cultural and political climate, race is not something you can pretend you don’t see.

When you marry someone, you marry everything that made them who they are, including their culture and race. While marrying someone of a different race can have added challenges, if you go in with your eyes and heart wide open, you can face those challenges together and come out stronger. At least that’s what the experts tell me; I’ve only been married seven months, so what do I know? Here are a few things I've learned:

1. The foundation of your relationship has to be rock solid.

Your relationship needs to be tight enough not to let naysayers, societal pressure and family opinions wedge you apart, explained Stuart Fensterheim, a couples counselor based in Scottsdale, Arizona, and host of The Couples Expert podcast.

"Couples need to talk about things as a team, and feel that we’re in this together — if our love is strong and we can be authentic and vulnerable in the relationship, then we can handle whatever comes from the outside world,” he explained.

Luckily, my husband and I haven't had to face many issues from the outside world. We're so "old" according to our cultures, that our families were just thankful someone of the human race agreed to marry either of us, and we currently live in a diverse section of New York City where no one bats an eye at interracial couples.

But having a strong relationship without trust issues helps us give each other the benefit of the doubt when one of us says something culturally insensitive. We can talk about it, learn from it and move on without building up resentment or wondering about motivations.

2. You’ve got to get comfortable talking about race… a lot.

“Silence is really the enemy,” said Erica Chito Childs, a Hunter College sociology professor who has researched and written extensively about interracial relationships. "Just like you’d ask a partner about their views on marriage, children and where to live, you should also understand their approach to racial issues. One way to begin, in the process of getting to know a new partner, is to maybe include some questions like, was the school you went to diverse, do you have diverse friends? Have you dated interracially before and if so, how did your family react?”

My husband and I were friends before we started dating, and we just organically ended up having these conversations. At times, I was shocked at how little he ever thought about race before me, and that was something that worried me when I first started falling for him. But his ability to be open and honest about the things he didn't know and his willingness to learn, rather than be defensive, eventually won me over.

3. Don’t make any assumptions about your partner based on their race.

While this may seem obvious, it’s worth noting because we all hold stereotypes, no matter how enlightened we think we are. “Racial groups are not homogenous,” reiterated Childs. “African-American people have different perspectives; some may support Black Lives Matter, and others don’t. Some Latina people support DACA, others don’t. Don’t make assumptions... You and your partner don’t have to agree, but you should know where each other stand and try to understand each other’s perspectives.”

For my part, I had to face the stereotypes I had about white Southerners. To be honest, I just assumed that deep down, he and his family were probably racist. While it was a defense mechanism for me, it wasn't fair that I didn't allow him a clean slate.

4. It’s helpful to know others who are also in interracial relationships.

There was a moment two years into my relationship with my now-husband, when I realized he might be my lifelong partner, and joy gave way to dread: Would he ever really understand my experience as a child of immigrants? Could he really support me when I (or our children) faced racism? Would he ever really be able to “get” me?

I could have thrown our entire relationship away based on my fear, but luckily, I turned to a friend who had been in an interracial relationship for 10 years. He’s a Haitian American from New England and his partner is a white American from Oklahoma. They have a relationship of mutual love and respect. He had faced some of the same challenges I did. Knowing how much they had to work for it, and how happy they ended up as a result, helped me see that we could do the same.

Whether you can find someone in your friend group, through social networking or even just watching relevant YouTube videos, hearing from people who have been where you are can serve as emotional support.

5. Changing your name can take on heightened significance.

I waffled on changing my name — it felt really difficult for me, like I was letting go of my Indian heritage. Ultimately I decided against it, and my husband was supportive of my decision. Would it have been different if my husband were Indian? I’m not sure, but I do think about it.

6. You may feel a heightened connection to your own culture — and that’s OK.

“In the past few years, I’ve been needing more connection with my culture, I listen to more Latin music now, I watch movies in Spanish — I need those touchstones now, in a way I didn’t before,” said Alejandra Ramos, a TODAY Tastemaker who is Puerto Rican and has been married to a Ukranian-born Jewish man for seven years.

As with any successful relationship, your partner can’t be your everything. When you’re in an interracial relationship, friends who you can just express yourself to without having to explain yourself can be a welcome break. “One time I was on a show and a producer described me as ‘fiery, because you’re Latina.’ I came home and told my husband about it and he laughed and I was like no, that’s actually really offensive."

"There’s a certain lightness I feel when I talk to my Latina friends — you’re all coming from a similar frame of reference. There’s a learning curve for your partner, they just don’t know how to exist in your skin.”

7. You’re going to learn things about your partner’s family … and maybe even more about your own.

“When my husband introduced me, his family was shocked — which in turn shocked him,” said Pamela Baker, an African American who has been married to a white American for 36 years. “He had been raised to believe that all were equal. But, fear set in when they found that he deeply believed what he had been taught. I didn't freak and was not surprised. They came around quickly. [But] his grandmother did not attend our wedding.”

Unfortunately, this kind of revelation isn’t uncommon. Many people Childs has spoken to in the course of her research came from families who seemed very accepting, but feel differently about who their children date.

Her advice? "Be realistic and don’t just go off comments they made when you were growing up," she said. Have an open and honest conversation before you bring your significant other into the mix. Prepare yourself for reactions that are unexpected or even upsetting, and accept that it may take some time for your family to come around.

And if grandma just can't get on board? You can't force it. Acknowledge her feelings, but also acknowledge it's hurtful to you and your partner. Eventually, she may come around. That was the case for Baker, who said that after her kids were born, her husband's grandmother cried and apologized for her initial disapproval.

8. You will forever be teaching.

You’ll be sharing foods that may be new to your partner, translating your language for them during family gatherings and perhaps even teaching them some Racial Politics 101. Sometimes, you’ll want to bang your head against the wall. But stick with it; your patience will be rewarded.

“When your partner asks questions that may seem ignorant, they are accepting that they don’t understand everything,” said Fensterheim. If your partner asks you something that feels offensive, acknowledge they are likely coming from a good place, and then explain why you have an issue with the interaction. You should honestly express yourself, but don’t make them feel scared or stupid for coming to you with questions. With enough conversations over time, they might just surprise you.

9. … and learning.

If you’ve found the right person and are ready to take the next step, you’re signing up for an adventure. Whether it’s good stuff (trying new foods, activities and traditions) or the bad stuff (other people’s racism), you’re going to learn a lot. I learned how to mud ride. I shot a gun. I attended crawfish boils. I’m constantly exposed to new cultural experiences that I never would have sought out if my husband weren't in my life.

He’s experienced the same because of me. He now eats dosa with his hands like a pro, practices yoga and meditation and understands racial issues in a much more nuanced way. While we both come from very different backgrounds and sometimes have passionately opposing opinions, we do share one trait in common: Neither of us knows the people we will be tomorrow, and we're not only OK with that, but excited by it.

Interracial relationships are becoming increasingly common. These relationships are no longer just African American and Caucasian, either. Instead, we have people from various races and ethnicities all together in this world, and in relationships. 

It’s not uncommon for an Asian woman to date a Brazilian man, or an Indian man to be in a relationship with a Caucasian woman. Interracial relationships come with their own unique set of hurdles that couples might run into. 

Interracial Relationships Problems

Interracial relationships come with their own unique set of hurdles that couples will have to jump over to make things work. Different cultures all face different struggles and have different values. 

For example, Asian culture values work ethic. To them, a relaxed lifestyle such as the one seen in Spain is a lazy one that they cannot relate to. There are several differences that races will face, and they have the struggles that society places on interracial marriage. 

1. Different values

When couples have different values, it often leads to one person in the interracial relationship being confused about the other one, if not both people. Some people value the creation of wealth over anything else while others value family life and quality time together over anything else. This can create tension inside an interracial marriage. 

This doesn’t mean that two people with different values cannot be together, however. If both people are able to respect what the other one values, this relationship will work out just fine. For example, the person that values money should work more to feel proud of themselves while the other should do what makes them happy. 

2. Racism

A lot of couples attempt to ignore racism. They brush off comments from other people. They ignore the distasteful glares and turn their head. However, this hot topic is in the life of someone you love. That means that it should not be ignored. We all face stereotypes and racism at some point in our lives. However, we don’t understand the struggles that other races go through. 

In interracial relationships, it’s important not to shut down or ignore racism. Instead, discuss this with your partner. Let them open up about how they feel dealing with racism, and try to genuinely understand their struggles. Last, don’t act like you know what other people go through, and do not stereotype people of different races. This is beyond offensive. 

This can also open up the conversation about what you will deal with throughout the relationship if you are new to interracial relationships. It can be hard to deal with snide remarks, public discrimination, or disapproval from family/friends. In these situations, your spouse will be your biggest supporter, so you should feel comfortable discussing your concerns and any type of conflict with them. 

3. Forget what you think you know

Do not stereotype your partner. Imagine that someone brought you Starbucks every day because you’re a Caucasian girl. Personally, I love Starbucks, but someone that doesn’t would be offended by the stereotype. 

African American people do not all love watermelon. Indian people do not instantly enjoy curry. Germans don’t instantly drink beer all day. These are common stereotypes and can be offensive. Instead of making assumptions based on race, genuinely get to know your partner.

Also, try to let stereotypes slide a little bit in the beginning. Some people might make a joke thinking it is funny, but this doesn’t mean they are racist. Often, people can do this unintentionally. Instead, use this as an opportunity to educate them or discuss your histories together.  

4. Be prepared for hostile family members

Older members of the family are often set in their ways. This means that they like traditional dishes their family cooks, and they might not agree with interracial marriage. While this does not apply to all families, it is definitely something that an interracial couple might have to deal with at some point. 

If you already know that your family will feel some type of way about your partner, don’t let them find out on their own. Instead, have a very real conversation about this. Also, speak with your family regarding your own view on being an interracial couple, how times have changed, and tell them that you expect them to respect your boyfriend or girlfriend. If your partner feels respected and supported by you, it will make a world of difference. 

It’s also important to have a conversation with your partner about this. Discuss your different backgrounds, and the views that your family had on ethnicity growing up. If there was prejudice present, don’t try to hide it. Instead, bring that into the discussion as well. 

In my experience, most people don’t care if your family was racist generations ago. Instead, they care about how that has impacted you, and what your feelings are. 

5. Avoid partners that act superior

While this is not always going to happen in an interracial relationship, it can. Some people tend to act superior because of the stereotypes that their race has, such as black men being better in bed or white men being the superior race. 

If your partner makes comments about this, it’s a red flag, even if they’re joking about it. Have a serious conversation about how this makes you feel. If the behavior doesn’t change, it is not a good sign for interracial couples. 

Likewise, watch out for those that make comments regarding your skin color. For example, the classic “you’re pretty for a black girl” comment. Comments like these might seem like they were intended as a compliment, but if you hear them enough it will breed resentment. 

6. Raising children together

While many cultural differences will come up throughout an interracial marriage, one of the primary problems a couple will face is a difference of opinion regarding raising children, and a complete lack of knowledge regarding what to do when it comes to their race. 

We see this when a person has an African American child but doesn’t understand what to do with their hair texture. An Asian woman won’t know to teach a child of a different race about how to deal with the specific racism that they will face in the world. 

Not only are there differences about how they will have to deal with the world, but there are cultural differences that couples will deal with in everyday life. 

For example, Latino mothers often give young children coffee at a young age. Other parents might frown upon giving any child under twelve a cup packed with caffeine and sugar. It’s important to discuss these differences openly before having children, and while raising children. Communication and compromise are key to making an interracial marriage work. 

7. Lack of communication can break an interracial relationship

Communication is extremely important in any relationship, but it can break apart one of these relationships. Communicating about key cultural differences that couples are bound to run into is extremely important for interracial couples. Interracial couples should discuss topics that cultures often disagree on, such as religion, children, birth control, finances, family life, sex, and even holidays. 

For example, two people from different religions will celebrate different holidays when December rolls around. Which holidays will you celebrate as a couple?

8. Tactless strangers

One of the hardest things to deal with for couples that do not seem to get better is the complete lack of tact that strangers have about their partner’s race. Couples have been asked what is he/she? In reference to their partner’s race. 

Those in interracial marriages are often mistaken as friends or complete strangers because they are of different races. It’s not uncommon for one person to get hit on by someone when their partner is standing next to them. It’s instantly assumed that the people don’t go together because they are different races, and the lack of tact instantly follows. 

9. Public harassment

Public harassment is not as bad as it was years ago, but it still runs rampant. Those that have never been a part of an interracial couple will be appalled by the treatment of both themselves and their partner. Those in interracial marriages have told tales of being spit on, beaten up, and even pulled over by the police simply because of the color of their partner’s skin. This remains a problem that interracial couples are bound to have to deal with. 

10. Your own children can be offensive

One thing that interracial couples are often not prepared for is the offensive behavior from their own children. Those in interracial marriages are often happy to have a child, but then the child comes along with two heritages. They might reject one heritage in favor of the other, or choose to only identify as a portion of their race. 

Some children might refuse to acknowledge that they are biracial. Others might think they have a different father than they really do. In addition to the unintentionally offensive behavior from strangers, interracial couples will have to learn to address it with their own children. 

11. Race issues are important

When you’re in an interracial relationship, race issues become more important. This isn’t because they weren’t important before, but it’s because you begin to advocate for the ones you love with all of your heart. You would die to protect them, and that means taking on the world. 

Race issues might also be important to the one that you’re dating.

Questions such as how you feel about the Black Lives Matter movement might come up during the “getting to know you” phase. This is seen a lot in modern interracial couples because it’s important to make sure that the other person has the same values as you do. 

12. Where to live

Across the nation, we still see neighborhoods divided. Granted, there are neighborhoods with a healthy mixture of diversity. However, there are also a lot more neighborhoods that are primarily one race or another. This often leaves one person in interracial marriages feeling left out during block parties and neighborhood events. 

13. Gender roles

Different cultures have different ideas of gender roles. In some, we see that women pay more attention to their husbands, taking care of them, making their plates, and so on. In other situations, we see that women are expected to participate in physical labor. Some cultures still believe that women should be submissive as well, and should not participate in financial matters. 

FAQs

To Conclude

Have you ever been involved in an interracial relationship? What were some of the biggest challenges that you faced?

When friends introduced Carlos Brock to Tonya Bohannon in 1996, they both just knew.

"Oh, man, it was just something about her," said Carlos. "The vibe that she put off, I thought, That's who I wanna marry!"

Tonya said, "He was real nice, he was just different than anybody I had dated before. He was just very genuine and kind."

Correspondent Rita Braver asked, "When your parents realized that you were seriously interested in someone from a different race, what was their response?"

"My mother was, she was cool with it," said Carlos. "But there some still today don't accept it. But we don't care."

"Sorry, I still get emotional," said Tonya. "It's been many years."

"Who gave you a hard time about it?"

"I don't wanna say, but it was someone very close to me that basically disowned me."

The Brocks married in 2000, with their daughter, Lexi, in the wedding party. "It was just about being happy with each other," Carlos said.

But even today, Tonya, who is a mail carrier, and Carlos, who owns a food truck, say there are still places in their hometown of rural Toccoa, Georgia, where they know they are not welcome; and people, even supposed friends, who can make unsettling comments:

"People always feel it necessary to say that they're not racist, you know, to us!" Tonya laughed. "And that they don't teach their children to notice color or anything. But in the same 30-minute conversation, the man says, 'But if my daughter came home saying that she was dating a Black man, I wouldn't approve of it.' Unfortunately, it's just still so normal."

But some things have changed in the half-century since the Loving v. Virginia case, when the U.S. Supreme Court declared that laws banning interracial marriage are unconstitutional.

Nowadays, you can hardly open a magazine or turn on the TV without seeing interracial couples.

According to the Pew Research Center, at least 19 percent of new marriages in the U.S. now involve spouses from different ethnic or racial groups – up from 11% in 2000.

And the General Social Survey found that only one in 10 Americans say they would oppose a close relative marrying someone of a different race or ethnicity.  

But that doesn't mean that tension has disappeared.

With a Ph.D. in couples and family therapy, Racine Henry frequently counsels interracial couples. She says interracial marriages can be more difficult, "because they're more multilayered. There comes into play a lot more barriers than what a non-interracial couple will have to face."

She said that no one should be surprised by what Meghan Markle recently told Oprah Winfrey about the royal family's reaction to the impending birth of Markle and Prince Harry's son: "So, we have in tandem the conversation of, 'He won't be given security, he's not going to be given a title,' and also concerns and conversations about how dark his skin might be when he's born."

Henry said, "No matter how much status or money or privilege you might have, racism is always going to find you."

She said that message echoes the racism shown by many families across every social and economic level. Braver asked, "Because we can't have a mixed race child in our lineage?"

"Yeah, because it means too much that our bloodline is going to look very different than what it's supposed to look like," said Henry.

And, she said, at this moment in history many interracial couples in the U.S. are feeling increased anxiety, with heated public debate on issues involving racial justice, immigration, and even direct attacks on minority groups.

Braver asked, "What do you say to the couple to try to diffuse something like that?"

"Well, I first try to validate the partner who feels aggrieved," Henry replied. "And I think it's a powerful moment for the White partner to realize that their feelings are secondary; their partner's experiences whether they agree with them or not, need to be taken as serious and as true as their own experiences are."

Case in point: Brian Law and Vidya Rao say, in the early days of their relationship, he often didn't understand when she felt that someone had been disrespectful to her – at least in part – because of race. "I realized about myself that I do need to learn in order to be more supportive," Law said.

Rao added, "I'd be all upset and huffing and just slamming the door and pissed, and he's like, 'Wait, what just happened?' It's been over the course of eight years of me, you know, being honest when these things happen, pointing them out. The best thing about him is that he was open to that and he did learn."

Now living in Los Angeles, they met while working at a tech company. He was from a Louisiana Catholic family; she was a Hindu, whose parents were born in India. 

Braver asked Rao, "Did you think as you were growing up your parents had expectations that you were going to marry someone else of Indian descent?"

"It was sort of a given," she replied. "My parents had an arranged marriage; they literally met for the first time three hours before their wedding."

Their parents all accepted their decision to marry; still, Rao informed Law that he needed to show appreciation for her mother's Indian cooking.

Law recalled, "One of the first times I did meet her family, her mom made me dosa, and dosa you eat with your hands. And I just jumped straight in and did it. I think that is part of my Southern culture, is that we eat with our hands!"

"He ended up going four rounds, which my mom loved!" Rao laughed. "And that was the key to her heart."

Tim Long, a pianist and conductor who grew up in Oklahoma's Muscogee Creek Nation, and Chris Herbert, a classical singer from Connecticut, fell in love over their love of music: "Although we have completely different backgrounds, there was something that connected us pretty immediately," Long said.

Their families mostly approved, with Herbert's aunt, Martha Stewart, throwing them a fabulous wedding party. But along the way, Herbert noted, "I had a family member who made a stereotypical, derogatory action.  I don't even want to describe it, because it adds power to it."

"With this one specific one, I was quite angry," Long said. "It led to a lot of conversations between the two of us. And it eventually opened up a great conversation with the family, and it brought us closer together."

Now married for 11 years, they're still adjusting to each other's cultural differences. Herbert said, "I was trained as a child, when you meet somebody new, you smile at them, you also ask them questions about themselves."

"And I think that's largely a Caucasian American manner, that you smile when you don't necessarily mean it," Long said. "And I don't think many indigenous people decide to smile; they smile when the emotion calls it up."

Long and Herbert have decided not to become parents. But for many interracial couples, the issue of children brings its own set of joys and challenges, especially worries about how their children will be treated.

Which brings us back to the Brock family, and daughter Lexi," who told Braver, "Kids in middle school are mean, and so then it's, like, 'Oh, like you're too White,' or 'You're too Black.' 'You're a mutt.'"

A mutt? "Yeah."

"And how did you react when people said stuff like that to you?"

"It hurt, you know, at first," Lexi replied. "Like, why are we not good enough, you know? Because my skin's tan? That's sort of justification of that?"

But the number of multiracial Americans is steadily rising, and so is the visibility of bi- or multiracial role models, first President Barack Obama, and now Vice President Kamala Harris.

"When they called the race," Lexi said, "that was monumental for me. I saw little tiny girls crying, but like, I cried, too, you know? Because that was the first time." 

And the Brocks – and other interracial families nationwide – understand that history is marching with them, because in the end, love really can conquer just about everything.

Braver asked Brock and Tonya, "What's been the great part of your relationship for both of you?"

"We just have some good times," she laughed.

He replied, "The greatest thing for me about it is, I would have to say, the happiness."

      
Web Extra: Kim Parker, director of social trends research at the Pew Research Center, on the increase in interracial marriages in the U.S.:

     
For more info:

      
Story produced by Robbyn McFadden. Editor: Carol Ross.

CBS Village

A new report has highlighted the challenges of interracial dating faced by people in the UK, including prejudice from family and friends and fetishisation on dating apps. A key element of anti-racist dating is understanding the lived experiences of others, rejecting stereotypes and having ongoing and meaningful conversations about antiracism and allyship, so it’s important to examine and call out the racism at play in interracial dating.

The Mixed Up in Love report, released from dating app Inner Circle in collaboration with the authors of MIXED UP: Confessions of an Interracial Couple, surveyed over 1000 UK adults actively dating with a minimum of 100 respondents in the ethnic groups Asian, Black, Mixed, White British and White Other, and found that over a third (37%) of respondents have experienced racial micro aggressions or discrimination due to being a part of an interracial couple.

Respondents most commonly cited fearing a backlash or critical responses from those closest to them - their friends and family (49%) - as well as negative reactions and behaviours from colleagues (34%) while interracially dating.

Tineka Smith, journalist, racial equality advocate and author of MIXED UP: Confessions of an Interracial Couple says: “The data shouldn’t be shocking because unfortunately it’s a reality for many interracial couples.”

In her clinical practice, Dr Reenee Singh, Founding Director of the London Intercultural Couples Centre at The Child and Family Practice, sees this backlash as a key challenge for interracial couples. Other problems she cites as common are prejudice coming from a partner in an interracial couple, and the cultural and racial differences between partners leading to misunderstanding, miscommunication and not being on the same page about issues like dealing with extended family and parenting.

The report highlights the issue of microaggressions and racial profiling on dating apps, with three in 10 respondents having experienced this. Mixed race (white & Black Caribbean) and Black African daters are most likely to have experienced some form of discrimination while online dating.

Over a third of respondents (37%) have experienced racial fetishisation - the act of making someone an object of sexual desire based on an aspect of their racial identity. Of these, Asian daters have experienced this the most (56%), followed Black Caribbean (50%) respondents.

Despite these statistics, the report found willingness to talk about racism in interracial dating remains low - just four in 10 respondents (43%) would start a serious conversation about race once they had witnessed their partner experience racism firsthand.

“Being in an interracial couple myself, I felt there weren’t many resources out there providing support on how to discuss race in a relationship. Each couple is different, but it’s important to have these healthy discussions at an early stage. Not just because of what’s happening in the news, but ultimately to build an honest and supportive relationship with one another,” says Tineka Smith.

“The fact is that race is an integral part of our human identity and if your relationship is going to work, then it’s absolutely vital to understand each other’s experience and point of view on all aspects of racism.”

Dr Singh agrees it’s crucial these conversations are being had, and for white partners in interracial relationships to acknowledge their partner’s experience of racism without dismissing or making excuses.

“Some of these topics can be so difficult to talk about and being able to create a context where partners can face each other and talk without feeling that the other person isn’t on their side - for the other person to feel like an ally, [is so important],” she says.

Dr Singh adds that this kind of conversation should be happening whether it’s reflecting on overt or insidious forms of racism.

“Minority ethnic people in interracial relationships can pick up on things that are much more insidious and I think you should be able to speak to your partner, without being thought of as crazy or overreacting or over exaggerating. It’s trust that allows you to say to your partner: ‘I didn't like what one of your friends said because it felt slightly racist or slightly discriminatory to me’ and for them to be able to hear that,” she adds.

The report’s statistics paint a bleak picture, but Dr Singh points out that interracial couples are some of the strongest, because of the discrimination and obstacles they’ve overcome together.

“They often end up being much more resourceful and resilient and loving and committed than lots of other couples because they've had to cross this taboo, this barrier in order to be together.

“They also present us with a kind of microcosm of how race relations in society can be, because if one can live harmoniously with someone from a different so-called racial group, then that lends a lot of hope to everybody in society about how they can tolerate and celebrate differences.”

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The problems encountered by interracial couples are often the result of negative societal attitudes about interracial relationships. Black-Caucasian unions have the lowest frequency of occurrence because of longstanding negative beliefs about these marriages. Studies have indicated that, in general, Caucasians tend to disapprove of interracial marriages, and blacks tend to approve. Other research suggests that people engage in interracial relationships due to self-hate or rebelliousness. In addition, there is some question as to whether or not partners in interracial relationships reciprocate love (Gaines et al. 1999). Given that the dominant culture tends to disdain black-Caucasian unions, it is difficult to imagine how these couples are able to maintain their relationships.

Asian Americans have also experienced difficulties in their interracial marriages. Asian Americans engage in more interracial relationships than any other racial or ethnic group in the United States. Laws forbidding interracial marriages between Asians and Caucasians were common in the United States. For example, in 1901 California extended the 1850 Marriage Regulation Act to include Mongolians (i.e., Chinese, Japanese, Koreans), and in 1933 the law was further extended to include Malays (i.e., Filipinos) (Kitano, Fugino, and Sato 1998). These laws, like all other anti-miscegenation laws, were overturned following a state judicial decision in California (Perez v. Sharp 1948) and a 1967 U.S. Supreme Court decision (Loving v. Virginia). Even though the results of these cases made interracial marriages legal, the negative societal perspective on such unions has been slow to change.

Bok-Lim Kim (1998) points out that since World War II, marriages between Asian women (specifically women from Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, and Vietnam) and U.S. military men have become a legacy of United States military involvement. He notes that many of those marriages took place because of the low socioeconomic status of many of the women who lived near U.S. military bases, and the low self-esteem experienced as a result of their low economic conditions. He also points out that these interracial marriages displayed undaunted courage and optimism in spite of the obstacles they faced due to language and cultural differences and the lack of support from their families and communities in both countries. However, Kim also points out that the Asian women often carry the burden of cultural norms that provide severe penalties for marriage outside their ethnic group (out-marriages). Even though there has been improvement in the acceptance of Asian outmarriages by their families, there continue to be difficulties because of cultural differences.

Interracial relationships and marriages remain controversial for several additional reasons. Many Asian Americans are alarmed because of the rising number of interracial unions, which they believe reduces the pool of eligible men and women who could otherwise engage in same-culture unions. Some Asian Americans are concerned that, because of the high number of out-marriages, distinct groups of Asians may disappear within a few generations. Additionally, whereas so many Asian women are out-marrying, there is the fear that many Asian-American men will remain unmarried because of the dwindling number of available Asian-American women (Fujino 1997). A similar fear is expressed by African-American men and women. As African-American men and women increase their level of education and move to higher economic levels, fewer and fewer members of their race are available for marriage. This often leads to frustration on the part of African Americans who seek to marry someone of their own race, and also leads to increased levels of out-marriage, as increases in income and educational levels occur.

Some of the difficulties experienced by interracial couples are unique and a direct result of the interracial experience. The myths that surround interracial couples can also be stumbling blocks to a healthy marriage. In a study conducted by Richard Watts and Richard Henriksen (1999), Caucasian females report that, when engaged in interracial marriages with black males, they often receive the following messages: "Black men belong with black women because they will treat them better than white women" and "Biracial children will always be referred to as black and, therefore, should have a black mother." The Watts and Henriksen (1999) study also found that problems and difficulties are also experienced because of the mythical messages received from the Caucasian culture. These include: "Black men only marry white women for status symbols or upward mobility," "Interracial marriages do not work; therefore, you will lose your spouse to someone else," "Those who engage in interracial marriages must hate their parents," and "Those who engage in interracial relationships or marriages must have psychological difficulties." The problems faced by couples involved in black-Caucasian unions are also experienced by those involved in other interracial unions. However, many couples state that the reasons they got married are not that much different than same-race couples.

One in six newlyweds is married to someone of a different race or ethnicity, according to a recent Pew Research Center report. That's up from one in 12 in 2008. That's quite a change. 

Attitudes about intermarriage are changing as well.

In just seven years, the share of adults saying that marrying someone of a different race is good for society has risen 15 points, to 39%.

via GIPHY

Yet biracial or bicultural couples don't have as much of a chance of surviving as other couples, according to the several studies of divorce rates.

The rising number of newly married biracial couples don't translate to happily ever after as often.

Why?

Couples from different backgrounds can fall apart because of a failure to handle differences, talk about their challenges (and any stress they create), and external societal judgment and prejudice. And the only way to guarantee any chance of success is to know what you're up against.

Here are the 5 challenges all interracial couples face at some point or another. And how interracial dating, relationships and marriages can be succeed despite them. 

1. Different expectations.

Our culture shapes us.

By the time we're seven years old, we've imprinted certain belief systems.

We may think we share the same world view and the same vision for our future together when we first fall in love. Yet the daily grind may soon make us realize we view things differently. That's why it's so important to share our beliefs, histories, and dreams early. 

It's imperative that two people of different races, cultures, nationalities, or ethnicities decide on boundaries, guidelines, and plans.

What holidays will you celebrate? Will you both bring in income? Will you have children? How will your children be raised--what faith, what schooling, what activities? Who will be with the children during the day? Where will you live?

Discuss cultural differences early: religion, diet, birth control and children, finances, family, grief, and yes, especially sex. 

2. Crossed wires.

Even when we communicate, we may end up in conflict.

Different cultures communicate differently. Our partner may interpret what we say, do, and even emote differently than we mean it. You may think you’re conveying love when he thinks you’re conveying ambivalence.

You may believe you’ve said enough when she wants to keep talking about it. You may want to cuddle, while your partner needs a while to let the steam evaporate.

This may result in long-term misunderstanding and renewed conflict, and if we don't open up and communicate our feelings, we may hold grudges, which ultimately may lead to a split. 

3. Family disapproval.

Times have changed since “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner,” but in current films like “The Big Sick,” which is based on a true love story between Kumail Nanjiani and Emily Gordon, we can tell that families can still create big hurdles to navigate.

“You marry a family,” says one divorced reader of my multicultural love story, The Shores of Our Souls. “Relationships all have challenges enough, and families can add a huge one. It’s my belief the more you have in common, the better.”

The other person’s family may face their own societal challenges if you end up together.

"The guy I was dating worried about the repercussions his family would feel back home if word got out that he was romantically involved with an American girl," says Colleen Waterston of Big Shared World, a site dedicated to increasing cross-cultural understanding.

4. Societal judgment.

Most people married to someone of another race or culture experience some stereotyping and rude assumptions.

People will make comments about their kids, their sex life, and their taste. Some will think they're complimenting you with words like "inspiring."

When I was dating people of other cultures, the biggest question I got was, "What do your parents think about it?" I got to the point I pre-empted the question with a statement after introductions: "My parents like him a lot."

I understand this is still a common question from complete strangers. It can take a toll on a couple to be under this much scrutiny. 

5. Lack of compromise.

Yet the biggest enemy to any relationship is a lack of compromise.

If you can't agree on which restaurant to eat at, if he hates your friends, and you hate his family, if you're always bickering over politics or who does the laundry, chances are slim your relationship will stand the test of time.

Try putting yourself in your love’s shoes for a change.

Be generous, compassionate, and kind for a day. Listen instead of talking. And see if they don't follow suit.Maybe they won't, and that leaves you with a decision about staying or leaving.

“On a good day, it was just two people who really loved each other doing life together,” Colleen says. On a bad day, it was as if our histories were in so much conflict we’d never make it work.”

via GIPHY

The bottom line: Know yourself, and get to know your partner and your partner’s culture before you commit long-term.

Get to know their family. Introduce your love interest to your friends. If people disapprove, and you love each other, ignore them.

It’s YOUR decision.

Just make sure you’re ready to stand strong in your partnership — because you’ll have to.

Kathryn Ramsperger, MA is an intuitive life coach and award-winning author. If you and your partner are struggling with issues in your interracial relationship, please email Kathy@groundonecoaching.com for a free consultation to explore Kathryn's proven methods on bridging the cultural gap and over coming differences in your relationship.