Online dating isn’t what it used to be. From getting matched, to getting ghosted, to finally meeting in person after weeks of small talk online, and everything in between, the dating script today is very different thanks to online dating. While there is still some stigma attached to it in some circles, most people see online dating as an acceptable way to meet someone.

Whether you’re currently online dating, considering getting back onto an app or site, or still in the “never would I ever date online” camp, I think we all can agree we need some more intentionality and reflection in online dating.

I have found that online dating has helped me to see healthy and unhealthy patterns in my love life. And in recent conversations with friends—some of us single and some of us married—I’ve identified three mindsets that could make online dating not only more tolerable, but perhaps make dating more successful.  

01. Use it as a self-awareness tool

A friend of mine recently signed up for a few dating sites for the very first time. As soon as she did, she wanted to quit. She was creeped out by the number of people who viewed her profile, she told us. That led me to ask her why she felt so uncomfortable about it.

My friend is smart and beautiful. As some people might say, she’s a catch. I wondered if she didn’t believe it herself; if she was joining dating sites because she believed she couldn’t find people “in real life.” She seemed to assume the attention on her profile meant they were attracted to her on the surface alone.

My friends and I suggested she think differently about those profile views. Think: “These guys want to get to know me” rather than “These guys are hitting on me.” Then she still has the choice of reaching out to the men she wants to get to know.

Also, it’s important to recognize that dating (online or not) is a way to get clarity about who you are and what you want. I had a list of questions I wanted to make clear about myself and the person I was looking for before I wrote my profile. But once I put it out there, I made sure not to stress if I didn’t find someone who met those requirements. Instead, I thought of each date as a learning opportunity to fine-tune who I was and what I wanted!

02. Know and hold onto your standards

With countless users, it’s inevitable that there will be some men who reach out who you immediately can tell will not be a match from their profile . For example, in the case of one friend, her faith is very important to her, and she’d like to share it with a boyfriend and ultimately husband. If a man is upfront about his own lack of faith, that was a dealbreaker for my friend. It can feel uncomfortable ignoring messages or turning down seemingly nice men without giving them a chance to chat more online. Yet, for non-negotiables, I think that is exactly what a woman should do.

In no way should you feel bad for going after what you want. In fact, part of the way you can sift through a large pool of men is by being upfront about your deal breakers. Online dating was most successful for me when I literally wrote down a list of what I wanted and then put that on my profile. I just framed it in a nice, respectful way. Once you have those expectations upfront, it’s fine to respond only to the men who meet those items.

03. Accept it as one of many ways to meet men today

At first, my friend insisted that she was joining a dating site just for the heck of it and because she was curious. She didn’t actually expect to meet anyone. She just wanted to try online dating before she met someone in real life. In her words, she wanted to “experience it before settling down.”

Her response showed me that the stigma surrounding online dating makes women unconsciously feel that it isn’t actually a “good” way to meet someone. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to find a serious relationship from online dating. For some people, it might truly be the only way they can meet new people.

I started online dating when I moved to a new city, knew no one, and only had two other co-workers who were also new to town. Female teachers I know use dating sites and apps because they work with so many other women and have tight schedules. My own husband joined an online dating site because he was an engineer, a field which still (sadly) has few women. A lot of people who work full time have difficulty finding time in their schedule to meet people, so meeting people through a dating site makes total sense. This doesn’t make the date or the relationship any less meaningful!

At the same time, you shouldn’t put pressure on yourself to settle down with someone you meet online. Sometimes the only thing you’ll get out of online dating is practice on going on some low pressure dates. There’s nothing wrong with that!

I had the most success with online dating when I was content to be single, but also fine to start a relationship. I wasn’t worried either way. I just wanted to get to know new people. Plus, it didn’t hurt that I would get to explore the city and check out a lot of good restaurants.

The underlying theme of these three mindsets can be summed up in one phrase: Be confident. My friend went through all of the things I did when trying online dating. I thought there was something wrong with me because I had to turn to online dating. I didn’t believe that I was a catch. I was worried that being clear about my expectations would make me look mean.

Thankfully, since I had done the exact same thing, I was able to point this out to her. When I first used dating sites, I felt like my straight forward self was not something a guy would want. Specifically, I was self conscious about my blunt honesty because I had been told by a lot of guys that it was a bad quality. This made me worried that I wasn’t "girly enough." How I worded my profile, responded to men, and ultimately dated was impacted by these beliefs.

Therapy helped me with insecurities and unhealthy mindsets that hindered my dating life. I also realized how negatively I was looking at myself. I started to remind myself that I am who I am, and that my future spouse could handle me exactly as I am. The guys who told me my honesty wasn’t good? They weren’t ultimately who I would end up with.

You are not too much for the person you're meant to be with. You're meant to be with a person who can reflect deep, genuine love back to you. You're meant to be with a person who can reflect deep, genuine love back to you, whether you meet them in real life or online. 

Johnna Wilford is a writer and health coach who helps women live a healthy and happy life. A RRCA-certified running coach and a fertility coach in training, she offers tips and tricks for holistic living on her website. 

The search for love in the digital age tends to stir up a lot of anxiety. If you've ever heard stories from your friends about their bad dates, you might reasonably approach dating apps with caution. But just as online dating can foster some comically bad experiences, there are plenty of benefits as well. Many of us know couples who seem so perfectly matched that it's almost impossible to believe they met on opposite sides of a screen.

When it comes down to it, does online dating actually work? While you might be worried it's not a good idea (or even a waste of time), like all matters in love, it has its pros and cons. We decided to bring the question to licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship expert Lisa Marie Bobby, Ph.D., of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching.

Dating apps can lead to superficiality and ghosting, but there are also many positives. "While online dating has some potential for pitfalls compared to meeting people in real life, the volume of possibilities is much higher," says Bobby. "That increases the chances that you'll meet someone you're truly compatible with."

So let's put the fears to rest—and put the internet to the test. Read on to learn expert advice on how well online dating really works.

Best Dating Apps of 2022

What Research Says About Dating Apps

Research shows that online dating is on the rise. A Pew Research Center study conducted in October 2019 found that 30 percent of Americans have used online dating, compared to just 11 percent in 2013. Of those, 12 percent have gotten married or been in a committed relationship with someone they met through online dating—a notable increase from just 3 percent in 2013.

Online dating appears to be a practical way to date for most people. According to the study, roughly 60 percent of participants have had positive experiences with dating platforms. Many people have success finding romantic partners online, whether they're looking for something casual or long term. Overall, the majority of participants found it relatively easy to meet potentially compatible partners in terms of those they found attractive or with whom they shared hobbies and interests.

Research shows, however, there are negative side effects of online dating, particularly for young women. According to the survey, 60 percent of women ages 18 to 34 say someone on an app or dating site kept contacting them after they said they weren't interested while about the same percentage of women in that age group reported that they were sent unsolicited sexually explicit pictures or messages.

Bobby says the reason for many of the negative aspects of online dating could be a lack of what she calls a "shared community." "Connecting through online dating feels much more like meeting a virtual stranger and having to establish points of meaningful connection with little real-world experience to go on," she says. "Furthermore, the absence of a shared community or relationships make it easier to ghost or be inconsiderate without concern of consequences to your reputation or comfort in your community."

How to Get the Most Out of Online Dating

Before you download an app or two and create your profile, Bobby recommends some soul-searching. The last thing you want to do is start matching with people online, get to talking, and realize you have no idea what you're looking for out of a partner or a relationship.

"Spend time and energy getting clear about who you are and what you really want in a relationship, and think about who your ideal partner is," says Bobby. "Also, think about what your ideal partner is seeking in a prospective mate and how you can connect with them authentically."

It's also important to do some research about the app you decide to download and find out how it works. Then, spend some time and energy on your profile. Choose pictures and prompts that show who you are, what you like, and how you present yourself to the world. If it's clear you haven't put any thought or effort into your profile, potential partners might assume you'll take the same approach in a relationship.

Once you've created your profile, don't expect to meet "the one" right away, and prepare to spend a significant amount of time vetting potential partners. But since we don't have all the time in the world to swipe, having a system to weed out those with whom you are incompatible is key. "Develop a process to help you cut through the fluff and get to know who someone really is as quickly as possible," she says. "A five-minute call will often tell you all you need to know."

What to Avoid When Using Dating Apps

Odds are, if you've participated in online dating, you have a few bad date stories. Often the cause of these negative experiences is that your expectations don't match up with reality. Bobby says that while online dating requires some "marketing savvy" and the ability to, in essence, sell yourself online, you shouldn't sacrifice the truth to come across as what you perceive to be "better."

"Never misrepresent yourself or try to appear as something you're not," she says. "You might get online interactions, but they'll quickly fizzle when it becomes apparent that you are different than what your potential partner was expecting." If you're looking for a truly meaningful relationship, concealing aspects of yourself that you're afraid others won't like or accept on your profile is counterproductive. Be authentic, and you'll attract those with similar values.

On the other hand, avoid falling victim to someone you suspect is being deceitful on their profile by noticing red flags. Not everyone has social media or updates it regularly, but most people who do will be glad to share their profiles with you when asked. And most of the time, if someone is truly interested, they'll hop on a phone call or video chat with you before meeting up, even if they feel a bit awkward. Going into a date "cold" with someone you aren't entirely sure about can often end up being a waste of time and lead to disappointment.

Lastly, when you do get that match or first date, it's important for you and a prospective partner to feel a certain chemistry, but don't rely on it completely. "When you are evaluating potential partners, do not make the mistake of prioritizing 'chemistry' over character," says Bobby. Too much wit and charm may give you butterflies, but it can also be a sign that the person is a "player" or even a narcissist.

How Likely Are You to Find "The One" Online?

A healthy relationship is totally possible whether you're meeting people in person or online, but the two methods differ for a variety of reasons. The fact is, there are positives to meeting IRL. When two people meet organically, it's probably because they already have something in common, like friends or hobbies. "This natural convergence of circumstances, relationships, or interests is a strength for a new relationship," says Bobby. "They provide a budding couple with more opportunities for authentic connection as well as more social pressure to treat each other decently, even if it's not ultimately a good match."

But that doesn't mean online dating can't be equally as successful. Since everyone on a dating site is (presumably) available, you have ample opportunities to put yourself out there and find a good match. When you engage in social events where you're likely to meet new people, the pool of those who are single and looking is much smaller than when you're on an app or dating site where everyone is in the same boat as you.

"Singles seeking relationships are looking to connect online," says Bobby. "That reality means that it's highly likely of finding 'the one' because they're in the same place, also looking for you!" If you're straightforward about what you want, it increases your chances of finding a good partner even more.

No matter your intentions, there seems to be something for everyone when dating online—just be clear about your expectations. Embrace new experiences, learn a little about yourself, and don't forget to have fun. You may even meet your dream partner.

The 6 Essential Rules of Dating

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Source: Online Dating

Don’t like being alone? Want a partner? Then online dating offers you the possibility of finding one. However, online dating is no panacea and it can take a little effort to find the type of person who is right for you. Similarly, if you are looking for a house, an apartment or shopping for a car, it may take you some time and research to find the right one.

In some ways, online dating is really just relationship shopping or relationshopping, a little like the Amazon or eBay of the dating world. In addition to this, the amount of choice of potential dates that appear to be available in online dating can make the process somewhat daunting. Therefore, it is first important to be selective about which dating site or sites you should use.

1. Which Website or App to Use

There are many different dating apps and sites to choose from, and in addition to the mainstream apps and sites, there are also many niche sites. While some of these sites may seem slightly strange at first, they can have a very important place for those who belong to specific niche groups.

It is highly unlikely that you would have the money or even the time to use many dating sites at the same time and therefore it is important to be selective in those you use. One common question is always, which is the best site? This is obviously a rather difficult question to answer, in as much people have different preferences about the way in which they go about dating. One major way in which sites can be categorised is in terms of what might be called see and screen sites, where daters decide on their own choices and sites employing algorithms, which attempt to match people together on relevant characteristics. Different types of sites have different effects on a dater’s perceived control and their decision-making satisfaction in dating (Tong, Hancock & Slatcher, 2016).

2. Profile Pictures

The importance of first impressions is well known, and therefore the way in which you construct your dating profile will have an effect on the way in which others initially perceive and judge you. Having said that, the way in which some people construct their dating profiles is rather surprising. Dating research company Dating Scout has published some rather unusual findings. For example, in terms of profile pictures, many men display pictures of themselves yielding weapons. A profile photo I once viewed was even accompanied by the caption ‘I reserve the right to bear arms, but I also like long walks on the beach and nights in with a glass of wine.’ In addition, a high proportion of males feature in dating profile pictures alongside big cats, although thankfully this is something which many dating sites have now banned. Also surprising is the number of profile pictures of people holding bacon.

There is plenty of advice on how to construct your profile, how many photos to include and what they should illustrate, but that is outside the scope of this article.

3. Profile Descriptions

In addition to a profile picture, most dating sites allow users to write a brief profile, which describes them, both in terms of their interests and their personalities. However, it is surprising how unimaginative people can be. “I love to laugh” is a popular description. Surely, everyone loves to laugh. “My friends and family are important to me.” Well, you’d kind of hope so. However, the best one surely has to be “I’m normal.” Very reassuring.

The important thing really is to say something about your own personality or interests, and preferably something you can illustrate about yourself using an example or two.

4. Making Decisions

In addition to advertising yourself in your online dating profile, you also need to engage with the dating process by evaluating the profiles of other daters, to ascertain whom you like. Finkel at al (2012), suggest limiting oneself to a manageable set of dating candidates, which avoids the choice overload issue described earlier. Furthermore, they recommend avoiding an assessment type mindset, and not being too reliant on selecting your potential dates on specific criteria. Instead, one should maybe try selecting the type of person with whom you can imagine having a good time.

The romantic notion is that there is someone for everyone, an idea perpetuated further by dating sites offering to provide users with a match. However, the human race is not like some enormous jigsaw where everyone matches together. It’s really not that simple, with the truth being that for some people there may be very few or even no matches, while for others there may be many.

5. Opening Lines

If you see someone you like in online dating, then the next thing is to make contact. Therefore, what do you say as an opening line? Back in 1986, Chris Kleinke and colleagues (Kleinke, Meeker and Staneski, 1986) asked students what they would say to initiate contact with someone they wanted to meet. What do people say when they meet someone they would like to get to know? Some of the more humorous lines which, by the way, were categorised as cute or flippant, were, “Didn’t we meet in a previous life?” “You remind me of a woman I used to date.” While lines such as these are not necessarily recommended, it is important to note the importance of humour.

6. Humour

Pretty much everyone states that they have a good sense of humour, and the acronym GSOH (Good sense of humour) is often used in dater’s descriptions. However, sense of humour can either mean that you laugh a lot at the jokes made by other people, or that you are good at making other people laugh—what has been called humour appreciation or humour production. Research has revealed gender differences here in as much as men generally like to make jokes and have others laugh at them, whereas women like to be made to laugh. If you have ever watched a man and a woman together in a coffee shop or a bar, then it is the amount of laughter produced by the female rather than that produced by the male, which predicts romantic interest. One theory as to why it is for men to generate humour comes from evolutionary psychology. Men who can be spontaneously funny are said to be creatively intelligent. Those who are creatively intelligent possess good intelligencegenes, and consequently are more attractive. Therefore, in any online or face-to-face conversation, it is important to use and appreciate humour.

7. Meeting

The goal in online dating is ultimately to meet the person with whom you have been chatting, and it is probably important to meet up as soon as possible. After all, you don’t necessarily want a long-term online dating pen pal.

So what are the do’s and don’ts of a first meeting? There are lots, but some obvious ones are not to play with your phone in front of your date. Even if it vibrates in your pocket then resist the urge to look at it or check it.

Also, don’t say that the situation is awkward or that it is embarrassing to think that you met online. Actually, in the US, about 33% of marriages begin online. Furthermore, in comparison to marriages that are the result of face-to-face meetings, people in marriages, which are the result of online dating report higher rates of relationship satisfaction.

That’s a quick and maybe slightly frivolous start to online dating. Remember also that to be successful, you really have to spend time and effort, but hopefully, it will be worth it.

References

Dating apps are a dime a dozen these days. They come in all different styles and flavors, but all essentially offer users the same twinkling hope: love at first swipe.

Maybe you're thrilled by all the opportunities at your fingertips. Maybe you're absolutely exhausted by it all or just wary of strangers online. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, dating apps — especially in the past year and a half — have become a bigger part of our romantic lives than ever. In fact, of all the fish in the sea in 2020, some 270 million people were on at least one dating app.

That's a lot of fish! But it's also a lot of pressure to stand out and to find the right match.

If you're stressed about making the most of your dating app experience, "remember the stakes don't have to be so high every time," says author and advice columnist John Paul Brammer.

"Putting yourself out there is scary ... there's always something about us that can shake and wobble," says Brammer, whose advice column ¡Hola Papi!, actually started through Grindr. "Oftentimes we look into that bad date and we think, 'OK, what's wrong with me?'"

But a date isn't a mirror. And a dating app should be a tool for connection, not a portal for our anxieties, Brammer says.

Flipping the script starts with taking control of your narrative. And being willing to put in the work, says certified dating coach Damona Hoffman.

"You can be online and swiping within minutes. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to have a quality experience if you haven't gone into it with a sense of purpose," says Hoffman.

Read on for tips from Hoffman and Brammer for navigating the world of dating apps, or listen to the full podcast at the top of the page.

Rethink your story, lower the stakes

Though just about every romantic comedy you've seen or dating app success story you've heard may suggest otherwise, love doesn't always happen overnight or find us when we're least expecting it. Finding a partner on an app — just like in the real world — takes time, effort and openness, says Hoffman.

"We are addicted to our stories, and that is often the thing that keeps someone from being able to be successful on a dating app," Hoffman says, "Whether it's the story of I don't want to tell my friends that we met on a dating app or 'I just didn't picture it.' I hear that all of the time."

Eschewing old notions of how our love stories unfold and embracing this new dating frontier is the first step to finding success, says Hoffman. From there, lower the stakes of individual online interactions.

"I tell my clients to think of the messages and the swipes like coins in the fountain," says Hoffman. "You toss it in and you make a wish. And if it comes true, that's a wonderful thing ... If it doesn't come true, it's just a penny. Are you going to get upset about a penny?"

Brammer embraces this philosophy with his own dating profile.

"When I open a dating app, I have to think, what do I want out of this situation? And that kind of reveals to me maybe something ulterior that I'm looking for," says Brammer. He suggests being honest with yourself about your hopes and then managing your expectations: "If I happen to meet someone today, that's nice. If it doesn't happen, I don't need it."

Your dating profile is your "love lab"

If you already have social media, you're probably not a stranger to curating your online persona. But portraying an authentic "you" for a potential partner with just a few pictures and paragraphs can feel a lot more stressful than the likes of Instagram or Facebook.

Your profile is the most important piece of your online dating experience, says Hoffman, but you shouldn't let that intimidate you. Instead, treat your profile and online dating experience as a living document and "a sort of love lab for your life."

When trying to stand out, Hoffman says to keep in mind the three C's:

Color: Test out different vibrant, quality photos. Make sure they're up to date, and make sure to crop out other people. You should be the solo star of your profile!

Context: Do your photos and text tell the story of who you are?

Character: Let your personality shine through!

Curious about what you should steer clear of? Hoffman says avoid oversharing, cringe-worthy bathroom selfies or wasting valuable profile real estate detailing what you want or don't want in a partner.

"What people tend to do is put their filters up right away ... and then you don't get enough options in your dating pipeline," says Hoffman. Instead, focus on making your profile a positive portrait of you because it's "just the entry point" for connection. You can start your filtering process later.

And if this all feels like a lot to manage, that's OK! Brammer tells us the important thing to remember about profiles is to "put the energy out on the app that you would appreciate attracting."

(If you're still struggling to get started, Hoffman actually offers a whole dating profile starter kit for free.)

Ditch the checklist

"I find that there's too much focus on finding someone who shares interests with you," says Hoffman. "You're not looking to date a carbon copy of yourself."

Oftentimes, Hoffman's clients come to her with long lists of qualities they want their perfect partner to possess — height requirements, education standards, baseline income, pet preferences. But she says don't overcomplicate things: a quality relationship can be built on shared values and two or three activities a couple can enjoy together. Brammer agrees.

"To me, chemistry often exists outside of that list of things we want out of a person," says Brammer. "And that doesn't necessarily mean you can't have ... a certain set of things you're really hoping for in a partner. It just means the universe isn't beholden to our demands."

Of course, everyone has their own idea of "deal-breaker" qualities, and both Hoffman and Brammer say that's OK: Every person has the right to feel safe and seen by their partner.

But holding every potential match to unrealistic or unnecessarily superficial expectations can be a recipe for disappointment. So instead of adhering to a strict standard of "must-haves," Brammer says try leaving some room for someone new "to bring something to your table that you maybe weren't looking for."

Date with purpose

If you're searching for a serious relationship, it's absolutely possible to find one on dating apps but you have "to keep your head in the game," Hoffman says.

Oftentimes, clients will come to her feeling discouraged after a week or two, or after resurfacing an old profile, but she says you can't expect real results if you come to the table with a half-hearted effort.

"You have to do it with intention and you have to commit to it for a certain period of time," says Hoffman. She suggests starting by committing to two or three months of making dating apps one of your top priorities.

From there, stay engaged and be bold. Hoffman cited research showing it's advantageous to send out messages during high-activity times. (For example, after work hours are a good bet.) Also, women who reach out to men instead of waiting for them to make the first move often get high returns. She says speed and momentum are your friend, and apps can often reward more regular interaction with more options.

Once matches start coming in, Hoffman says do your best not to fall into "robot mode." While the process can be taxing, getting-to-know-you conversations don't have to be stuffy or canned.

"We fall into the script of all of the prior dates that we've had," she says, "You don't have to do that. You control your dating destiny."

Dating online can be hard, be kind to yourself

Not everyone on dating apps is looking for a forever love, and not everyone who swipes right is going to be the right fit for you — but understanding that doesn't make getting ghosted or mismatched any easier. Dating apps, like social media-writ-large, can act as a "playground for your anxieties," says Brammer.

The reality of the search can be isolating and lonely at times, says Brammer, and "loneliness can often feel like a personal failure." But "loneliness is very common ... and it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you," Brammer continues. "It is hard to find connections that you want to hold on to for a long time."

Even as someone who people look to for love advice, Brammer says this is something he struggles with too. But recognizing and remembering that you're not alone in the struggle can be a source of comfort. In the meantime, he suggests trying to approach dating apps with lightness and leaving yourself room for grace.

"It's just hard to put yourself out there," Brammer reminds us. "So don't beat yourself up over it."

The podcast portion of this story was produced by David West Jr. and Meghan Keane, with engineering support from James Willetts.

We'd love to hear from you. If you have a good life hack, leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org. Your tip could appear in an upcoming episode.

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This article was co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD and by wikiHow staff writer, Christopher M. Osborne, PhD. Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.” This article has been viewed 448,028 times.

Categories: Online Dating

“If you’re serious about dating, you need to get online.” Lisa, a friend and dating expert, wasn’t backing down on this, but neither was I.

“No way,” I told her, convinced I would bump into The One at church or Whole Foods, just like in the movies. It’s not that I was against online dating for other people, it’s just that I didn’t want my story to be “we met on Match.com.”

I didn’t want to get serious about dating, and yet there was this ever-growing sense of existential dread rising up day by day, convincing me I was probably going to die alone.

I just wanted to meet my future husband and live happily ever after. Was that too much to ask? Why did I have to “get serious about dating” while my dad fell in love with his neighbor who would become his wife and a “bonus mom” to my siblings and I? Dating was another thing to do in an already busy season of life. I didn’t want to date. Dating meant getting dressed up to make awkward small talk with someone I would never see again. Dating seemed like a giant waste of my time.

So I told her no and stood my ground and lamented my singleness and rolled my eyes every time my dad and his new girlfriend flirted in the kitchen. They were as giggly and starry-eyed as teenagers and months of witnessing their love story unfold sent me over the edge.

“You win,” I told Lisa on the phone as I stared out at the sad, grey, suburban landscape of late January. “I’ll do this online thing for three months, but when nothing comes of it, I’m out.” So I joined match.com and resigned myself to this experiment being a waste of both my money and my time.

At first, I followed Lisa’s advice. There were no pictures of me with my other friends, lest a potential suitor find them more attractive. I kept my search criteria broad to increase the pool of possible soulmates from whom to choose. My interests and hobbies were broad and generic so as not to turn off a future spouse by being too unique. My profile mentioned nothing of religion or politics. I worked hard to make myself as likeable as a golden retriever puppy. Sure, maybe I couldn’t please everyone, but with a profile like this, I could at least get a date.

The whole process made me absolutely crazy. I didn’t recognize the girl who was described in what was supposedly my profile, and honestly, I didn’t really like her. She was boring and shallow, but she did get a lot of attention. The problem was, all of the interested parties lacked any real potential. A few of them seemed nice enough, but I turned down dates for any number of reasons (they were too young, too old, etc., etc.).

I’m sure they were perfectly nice guys. We probably would have gotten along just fine, and they were definitely the right guy for someone. But if I was to take this online thing seriously, then I wasn’t going to spend time going on dates with men who weren’t the right guy for me. Online dating was like browsing a bookstore, except instead of finding a whole stack of new favorites, I was leaving empty-handed.

Halfway through this experiment, I was fed up with the results my lackluster profile was getting me, so I threw out all the expert advice I’d been given. I uploaded a picture of my friend Meghan and I on the beach, our heads together, the sunset turning our hair brilliant shades of gold, bronze, and copper, our skin glowing in the evening light. I erased my bio and my interests and started from scratch. I talked too much about books and my dog and wrote things like, “If you’re looking for someone to dance barefoot in the kitchen with on a random Tuesday, I’m your girl.” I updated my political views and selected the options for “Catholic” and “looking for Catholic.”

Looking over my profile, I recognized the girl it described, and this time, I liked her. The number of messages I received on a daily basis dropped dramatically, which didn’t bother me one bit. For more than six weeks, I had lots of quantity, but little quality in the candidates coming my way, and that was starting to change.

Less than a week later, I got a straightforward message from Steeleman89 saying hello and asking me if I wanted to meet up. For no reason at all, I said yes immediately and suggested the upcoming weekend. He was on spring break, he told me, and wouldn’t be back until Sunday. I rolled my eyes. Still in college at 26, on spring break in Florida, I thought — no wonder he couldn’t graduate. He probably wasn’t even really Catholic if he was too busy partying to be bothered with things like classes or homework or Mass. But I set aside my judgment long enough for us to exchange numbers and agreed to meet at a nearby Starbucks the following Monday.

When Monday rolled around, I almost cancelled. It was the first full day of spring, and I could have used the time to go outside, to take my dog to our favorite park, or just to take a nap. My friend Catherine begged me to go, if only to bring her back a good story. So, instead of canceling, I asked my first real match date if we could meet at the park instead. Hindsight being 20/20, meeting a complete stranger at a secluded park in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday probably wasn’t the safest choice, but I’m still alive, so all’s well that ends well, I suppose.

Jeff and I looped around the park trails for hours while Hank, my Aussie pup, chased squirrels in the woods. As it turns out, Jeff had been visiting his grandmother with his dad over spring break and had signed up for Match.com out of sheer boredom after watching a commercial during March Madness. He was still in school because he’d spent 11 years studying to be a priest with the Legionaries of Christ, first in a New Hampshire boarding school for boys, then in Germany, then in Spain, then in Germany again, before going back to New Hampshire, where he eventually discerned out of the priesthood with the guidance of his spiritual director. So much for not really being Catholic, I thought.

Three days later, he picked me up for our first real date: Holy Thursday Mass and burgers. When we sat down in my usual spot at church, Jeff asked me if I always sat there. As it turns out, we’d been going to the same Mass at the same parish and sitting in the same area for months and had never seen each other. I think God got a good laugh out of that one.

Six months later, Jeff proposed at the park where we met. A year after that, we were married in that same church. And we lived happily ever after. Ha!

Honestly, I don’t love being a match.com success story, and I would much rather have a romantic-comedy-style story to tell when people ask us how we met. God used online dating to help me grow in virtue and in my identity as his beloved daughter, though. Dating online was an opportunity to practice humility, charity, respect, and generosity. I learned to value quality over quantity and to trust the still, small voice of truth over the advice of dating experts.

Creating an online dating profile gave me a chance to be creative and take a risk and be honest and unashamed about who God made me. It wasn’t fun, and I didn’t enjoy it, but there’s a pretty solid chance that if I hadn’t “gotten serious” about dating, I wouldn’t have met Jeff, and we wouldn’t be married.

I believe it’s true that God gives good gifts to his children, and I believe that most of the time his gifts look less like kicking back and waiting for our future spouse to ring our doorbell wrapped in a bow with a note that reads, “love, Abba,” and more like an online dating profile, a parish singles or young adult group, or introducing ourselves to an attractive stranger a few rows down after Mass.

You want online dating success (and we want it for you). So cut through the questions with these no-nonsense tips.

As a single gal in Los Angeles who has been online dating for over 10 years, I have earned my stripes as a dating expert and a dating drama queen. I have experienced and survived all the dramas of online dating and still remain a hopeful romantic. I am here to share some coaching advice and guide and support you on your online dating journey:


1. It is important to choose the dating site(s) that are right for what/whom you are looking for.

Some dating sites are known and respected for finding love and some are notorious for attracting singles looking for action or a quick hookup. There are no judgements here, as people are coming from different places in their love lives. If a person just got out of a 10-year marriage, he/she may not be looking for anything serious at this time. Whereas, if a person has been living single and playing the field for five years, he/she may be all-in for love. Do your homework and choose the site(s) that are right for you.

2. Have an objective and honest person in your life read and edit your profile before you post it.

You do not want to create a false perception of yourself, in either a positive or negative way. This person cannot be your Mom—you know she’ll tell you that you’re better than the singers on The Voice and that you looked good in those pictures from college after you gained the freshman fifteen. Have a trusted friend or co-worker look over your profile and allow them the space to be honest.

3. Be honest in your profile.

If you have children, be honest about it. If you have pets, be honest about it. If you smoke, be honest about it. If you live in another state, be honest about it. If your profile is filled with lies, you are not living or sharing your truth and you will eventually be found out. I cannot tell you how many guys online have lied to me about having pets and I am deathly allergic. I ask the pet question in the very first email. I dated a guy for a month, really liked him and could never figure out why he didn’t invite me back to his place and always wanted to stay at mine. It turned out, he had three cats. I was angry and disappointed. He went back to his cats and I went to stock up on Zyrtec.

4. Post at least two photos and make sure one is full length. Post photos that are warm and welcoming. Make sure you smile in one.

You want to make a good first impression. Sexy photos are fine, just don’t overdo it or give away too much. Trust me, this will save you time and self-esteem issues when men ask for more full body shots. I cannot count nor tell you how many times men have asked me for lingerie or bikini shots, but I can tell you they are not the men I am looking to date. You do not have to send any photos you are not comfortable with.



5. Make sure the person contacting you has at least two photos, as well. You have every right to ask for more.

If teeth are important to you, ask for a smiling photo. If you are a sucker for pretty eyes, ask for a photo without sunglasses. I met a gorgeous guy online once. He had several photos posted, but none smiling. I am always wary, because that tells me something about someone’s personality. Regardless, I took a chance and met him. I wasn’t too surprised when he smiled and had discolored and missing teeth. I’m not judging, but it didn’t make me want to kiss him.

6. You do not have to respond to every contact you receive.

Be as kind and considerate as possible, but you do not owe anyone anything. Being a sweet gal, I used to spend hours responding to emails from men by saying, “No thank you” and kindly explaining the reasons I did not feel we were a match. Often, men could not take the rejection and would respond with some nasty remark. Your time is valuable. Don’t waste it.

7. Make sure you have a full-length phone conversation before you meet for a date.

This does not mean a full text conversation. Take the time to see if you click and have a connection worth pursuing in person. Trust your intuition. When I pay attention to my intuition and actually follow it, it rarely fails me. You want to ask questions, really listen (red flags), see how you feel in the conversation and make sure the person on the other end of the phone is not certifiably insane. We are all a little kooky, but you know what I mean.

8. Meet in public and on neutral territory.

Take your own car and do not go to someone’s home. In being authentic, I will share that I have made this mistake a few times and it rarely turned out well. More than once, I have asked a guy to drive me home before we ever got to the restaurant; and one time, I literally threw an aggressive guy out of my home at the end of a first date. Be smart and safe and do as I say, not as I did.

9. Make your first date a brief one.

I recommend coffee or a drink. Give yourself a responsible out, if you need it. This is a strong rule I commit to. I made a lot of mistakes online dating when I started and definitely learned the hard way. If you plan an extravagant evening with someone you have never met, you will regret it if he/she looks nothing like his/her photos, you have zero chemistry and the conversation is empty.

10. No sex on the first date.

Okay, you’re an adult and if you want it, choose it… but, know that when things happen too quickly, they often fizzle fast too. Just remember that you are the only one who has to sleep on your pillow at night and wake up with yourself and your choices in the morning.

[image: via shutterstock]