A few months after my late wife, Krista, dating widowed men, and I were married, we witnessed a dating widowed men make a pass at Krista’s grandmother, Loretta. His wife had died a few days earlier, and her funeral was later that morning.

We were in the kitchen helping Loretta prepare some food for the lunch that was to follow the funeral. The recent widower knocked at the door, and Loretta answered, dating widowed men. From the kitchen, Krista and I could hear every word they both said. Most of their conversation had to do with the funeral and lunch arrangements, but just as the widower was about to leave, he said to Loretta, “I’ll be calling on you tomorrow.”

I glanced over at Krista to confirm that I had heard correctly. The aghast look on Krista’s face told me that I had. My mind was spinning as I tried to process his words. This man hadn’t even buried his wife, dating widowed men, and he already had plans to ask Krista’s grandmother out on a date. In my mind, the only kind of man who would even consider dating that quickly after his wife died was a man no longer in love. I was not acquainted with the widower or his late wife, but from what Loretta had told us, they had been married for over forty years. Loretta’s husband had died twenty years earlier, and as far as I knew, she had never dated anyone after her husband passed away. Wasn’t that what widows and widowers were supposed to do? Wasn’t there a rule that they had to wait at least one year before dating again? I wasn’t sure, but as I looked out the nearby window at the widower walking toward his home, whatever sympathy and compassion I felt for him earlier vanished.

Loretta returned to the kitchen, and without a word to either Krista or myself, continued her work.

Krista and I exchanged looks, both wondering if one of us should comment on what we overheard. After a few moments of silence between us, Krista spoke, dating widowed men.

“Grandma, did he ask you out?” she asked.

“He alluded to something like that,” Loretta chuckled.

“You’re not going out with him, are you?” Krista said in a voice that made me think she was going to lose all respect for her grandmother if she even considered dating this man.

Loretta waved her hand dismissively and said that she had no interest in dating anyone.

Krista and I looked at each other again. I shrugged and returned to my work. I found it strange how casually Loretta dismissed the entire incident. Questions swirled through my mind. Had she been asked out by this man while his wife was alive? Did it strike her as odd that he had asked her out just a few days after his wife died? Had she been asked out by enough widowers in the past that she was hardened to their advances?

I never asked any of those questions, but looking back, I wish I had. Maybe Loretta would have imparted some wisdom about her widowed neighbor that would have helped me understand his actions. Perhaps she had some insight on how widows and widowers grieve, dating widowed men. At the very least, her words might have given me some comfort two years later, when I found myself with a strong desire to start dating only two months after Krista took her own life.

***

Losing a spouse is harder for men than it is for women, dating widowed men.

Widowers are more likely than widows to experience declines in their physical and emotional health in the months and years following their wife’s passing.(1) They’re more likely to suffer from depression and chronic stress. Many widowers have difficulty sleeping and problems concentrating, and often show little or no interest in activities they enjoyed when their wife was alive, dating widowed men. As a result, widowers are one-third more likely to die after being recently widowed. Widows, on the other hand, have no increased chance of dying after their husbands pass away.(2)

When a man’s wife dies, he loses more than just a partner. He loses his confidant, his lover, his companion, and his biggest supporter. His identity as dating widowed men protector, provider, and leader vanishes. With few reasons to get out of bed in the morning, widowers view the emptiness in their lives as a problem that needs to be solved. And how do they fix their broken lives and grieving hearts? They start dating again.

It’s not a question of if widowers will date again, but how soon it will happen.

Over the years, I’ve spoken with and coached hundreds of widowers of various ages and backgrounds. Nearly every widower I’ve spoken with had a strong desire to date in the weeks or months after his wife’s death. It didn’t matter how long they were married, dating widowed men, how their wife died, their cultural background, their beliefs, their values, or anything else. Nearly all of them described an urge to find companionship soon after their wife passed away. Some of them fought or brushed aside these feelings and waited several months or years before finally dating, but most of them were quick to act in the hope that being with another woman would alleviate their pain and loneliness.

If you’re dating a widower, it’s vital that you understand this internal need widowers have for companionship, because it’s what drives them to date long before they’re emotionally or mentally ready for a serious relationship. Most widowers—especially recent widowers—aren’t looking for a serious relationship when they start dating again, dating widowed men. What they’re looking for is companionship.

Widowers who seek companionship want a woman to do one thing: fill the gaping hole in their hearts. They believe that by having someone—anyone—in their life, their hearts will be healed and the empty feeling that consumes them will vanish, dating widowed men. This desire for companionship is so strong that widowers will start a serious relationship with women they wouldn’t date if they weren’t grieving.

Let me give you a personal example. In the months following Krista’s death, I started a relationship with a woman I’ll call Jennifer—a female friend who lived six hundred miles away in Phoenix, Arizona. Though Jennifer and I had been friends for many years, we had never dated or been romantically involved with each other prior to Krista’s passing, dating widowed men. Our relationship started innocently enough when Jennifer periodically called to check up on me after Krista died. She’d ask how I was doing, and we’d spend five or ten minutes catching up. Somewhere along the way, our conversations become more serious, and our friendship evolved into a long-distance relationship, dating widowed men.

After a few months of talking on the phone every night and monthly flights to see each other in person, Jennifer believed we would get married and live happily ever after. Though I never dissuaded Jennifer from drawing that conclusion, marrying her was something I could never personally see happening. Her dreams of the two of us spending the rest of our lives together came to an abrupt end when I dumped her after becoming serious with Julianna. (More details about this long-distance relationship are found in my memoir Room for Two).

Under normal circumstances, I never would have dated Jennifer or become involved in a serious relationship with her, because we simply weren’t compatible. However, because I craved companionship and dating widowed men looking for someone—anyone—to help fill the void Krista left in my heart, I ignored obvious red flags, brushed aside my internal doubts, and let the relationship become serious. It dating widowed men only when I realized that there was someone who matched up perfectly with me—someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—that the relationship with Jennifer came to an end.

I share this story to illustrate the fact that widowers often start dating for the wrong reasons. Relationships that begin because widowers want to heal their broken hearts or fill the void in their lives never end well. And you don’t have to take my word for it. Throughout dating widowed men book, you’ll read heartbreaking stories of women who were in relationships with widowers who could never make these women feel like the most important person in their lives.

By now, some of you are wondering if the widower you’re dating is serious about your relationship or is simply using you as a placeholder until someone better comes along. In the upcoming chapters, I’ll show how you can know if the widower you’re dating is using you to soothe his broken heart or is actually ready to start a new chapter of his life with you. The purpose of this chapter is to help you understand the motivations and desires that nudge widowers back into the dating game before they’re emotionally ready to take that step. When you know that widowers are driven by an internal need to find companionship, it’s easier to evaluate their words, actions, and behavior.

At the beginning of this chapter, I told a story about a widower who announced his interest in dating Krista’s grandmother on the day of his late wife’s funeral. Today, I look back on this widower’s actions with a lot more clarity and charity. Though I still think he should have waited until after the funeral to ask Loretta out, I better understand the reason behind his actions and regret judging him as harshly as I did. I don’t know if that widower ever dated anyone or found love again. If he did remarry, I hope he could give her his whole heart and soul. Loretta, on the other hand, dating widowed men, never went out with him or anyone else for the rest of her life. She passed away in 2005, four years after Krista died.

***

1. When a Spouse Dies, Resilience Can Dating widowed men Uneven — New York Times

2. Men more likely to die after losing their wife, but women carry on as normal — The Telegraph

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How one woman found love with someone who had lost it.

After my husband and I separated, I didn't think I would ever fall in love again. I had two little children and couldn't imagine being in another relationship. I felt unlucky in love, as if perhaps I didn't deserve to be happy. Besides, I hadn't dated in 15 years and, now, didn't know where to begin. But six months after I separated, a mom I'd just met called to ask if I'd be interested in going on a blind date with her friend James*, a single dad who had recently lost his wife to cancer.

By then, every single person I'd met had baggage, including me, so it never occurred to me that dating a widower would be different from dating anyone else. I didn't even really consider the possibility that a first date might lead to a second. But from the get-go, I could tell James was different. The conversation flowed easily, he was funny and interesting…we ended up going on that second date, then a third. When he asked me to date him exclusively a few weeks later, I was ecstatic— but a few months into our relationship, something weird started happening. There were a series of days when, inexplicably, he wasn't himself. He was quiet and sad and didn't want to talk.

I knew what it felt like when a man wasn't interested in me anymore—that's how my marriage had ended. So when he would clam up and be distant, I had a familiar sickening feeling. We met for a drink at a quiet neighbourhood bar, where I cut to the chase. "I'm sorry, James, dating widowed men, but I don't know what to do when you won't talk to me. I can't do it," I told him, too sad to drink my wine. I hoped ending things would spare him dating widowed men trouble of dumping me and spare myself the pain of having yet another person leave me. I was beside myself: I couldn't believe things were ending when everything had been going so well.

Only now, James was ready to talk. "I've mentioned that my wife died two years ago, and I'm sorry for not being able to communicate with you better. Certain days of the year are hard for me, dating widowed men, and I've just got through some very difficult back-to-back anniversaries," he explained, his eyes fixed on his lap. "Some days, I don't want to talk, but I'm feeling better again and I don't want you to take it personally. I'm just trying to cope as best I can; it has nothing to do with you. I really like you and I like where this relationship is going."

He looked up into my eyes and stretched his arms across the table. His warm hands enveloped dating widowed men own. It hadn't occurred to me that he was going through a rough patch; because of my own history, I assumed it was something I had done. I didn't yet know enough about his life or about grief to understand his personality or the dates that would be difficult for him, dating widowed men. When he communicated his dating widowed men, I felt as though I understood him, dating widowed men, like we were connecting on a deeper level. I realized then that this dating widowed men was different kinder, deeper, stronger and more compassionate—than anyone else I was likely to meet. As a newly single mother struggling to get back on my feet, dating widowed men, I had my own set of issues and insecurities; dating a widower on top of it all wouldn't be easy, dating widowed men, but I had fallen in love. I had to try.

My situation isn't as unique as you might think. In 2016, about 1.83 million widowed people were living in Canada, and many of them are finding their way back onto the dating market. According to research conducted by the Pew Research Center in the United States, 19 percent of those who are currently divorced, separated or widowed report using online dating. In fact, Match.com saw an 8.3 percent increase in the proportion of widowed users in Canada from 2015 to 2016.

Rebecca Cooper Traynor, a Toronto matchmaker who founded Match Me Canada, has seen a similar trend. "I'd say that about 10 percent of my clients are widowers," she says; most of them are 55 and older, dating widowed men, but some are only in their 30s and 40s. And at the same time as this group has become more interested in dating, she has also seen a shift in perceptions about them. "I've noticed that my other clients are more open to dating a widower now than when I started my business eight years ago," she says. "Some people are tired of dating divorcés and hearing about their anger and resentment on dating widowed men date. They want to meet someone in a different space, someone who knows how to love."

A delicate balance

As in any relationship, James and I have challenges—but some of the things we face are specific to his widowed status. For example, in the five years since we went on our blind date, I've learned to give James space on significant dates, such as on his late wife's birthday, their wedding anniversary and the dating widowed men she died. Since our dating widowed men early on, I've marked those days on my calendar so I can call to say I'm thinking of him and see if I can help. Being in tune with your partner's needs is often the best thing you can do, says Roy Ellis, a grief counsellor with the Nova Scotia Health Authority in Halifax. "Ask your partner what you can do to make those tough days better. Your awareness itself can be a lovely gesture. Maybe you don't need to be involved and you can give your partner the space he or she needs to continue that grief work," he says. "That can be a gift in and of itself."

I've also learned that, contrary to the proverbial "five stages of grief," how we mourn doesn't fit into easy steps. In fact, the psychiatrist dating widowed men first identified those stages, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, dating widowed men, never intended them to apply to the living—her research was on people who were facing their own deaths. In other words, watching for signs of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance is no way to tell whether a mourner is ready to move forward.

Rather, many grief specialists champion the dating widowed men philosophy espoused by author, counsellor and educator Alan Wolfelt. They believe that the process is individual and that bereaved people tend to know when they are ready to move forward. According to this model of grief, mourners have six needs that dating widowed men be met in order to reconcile their loss: acknowledging the reality of the death; embracing the pain of the loss; remembering the person who died; developing a new self-identity; searching for meaning; and receiving ongoing support from others. But this isn't a checklist and there's no time frame for completion, or a particular order in which they must happen.

"The companioning model of bereavement distinguishes between grieving—the internal experiencing of pain—and mourning, which is the outward expression of that pain," says Maureen Theberge, a psychologist at Viewpoint Counselling Psychology in Calgary. "Grief isn't something you 'get over' any more than you 'get the league dating app reddit love, but those who can mourn well will have a better outcome for moving forward. Having a way to remember the dead, to honour and acknowledge them, especially when the mourner has children, can be healing. It's meaningful and may offer comfort."

Finding your way

For the first few years, James commemorated special days only with his close family, but dating widowed men, I've been invited to participate by attending an annual memorial service and being with his family dating widowed men remember his wife's birthday. I'm happy to support him in this way, much as he has supported me through my divorce—but the truth is, it can be hard for me emotionally. Sometimes, I'm sad for days afterward. I want to weep thinking about what an unfair loss James, his family and his wife suffered. I can't imagine what it must have felt like for his wife to be diagnosed with a terminal illness as a young adult, to hear she was going to die. But I've come to understand that grieving is a healthy sign. Even if the process hurts, it brings James' family and friends together, dating widowed men. I've seen how remembering and celebrating his wife provides them with strength to continue on. We have been companioning without realizing it.

As much as I grieve with James and his family on sad days, I've also had a hard time coping with his loss on great days. It's embarrassing to admit, but sometimes, I've felt guilty for dating James. I've seen his late wife's beautiful photos, dating widowed men, can sense how wonderful she was and feel how much she was loved—how much she still is loved. I've dissolved in tears, overwhelmed that James and I are on a romantic vacation together when he dating widowed men have been with the love of his life, his wife. How was I ever going to fill her shoes? How would I measure up? What if I couldn't?

As difficult as these feelings are, experts say they're normal. Unlike dating a divorcé, Theberge says dating a widower can feel threatening because the person's partner didn't choose to leave; rather, "death tore them apart." Logically, however, dating widowed men, jealousy doesn't help. "It's irrational," says Theberge. "You are not in competition with the deceased. Your relationship is new and unique."

Just because those feelings are irrational doesn't make them any less real, and it's important to deal with them, dating widowed men, says Ellis. He suggests looking within at why you're feeling insecure. "We are each responsible for our brandy albritton dating sites and self-love. Take stock, find out what's hurting and share it with your partner, but not in an accusing way," he says.

Overcoming feelings of insecurity isn't easy, dating widowed men. As Ellis says, "You have to learn to integrate the presence of the deceased in a new relationship the way you don't in divorce. With divorce, you're out; with death, you've got to come to terms with the fact the other person is still loved and recognized." But while the challenges are different, "it doesn't mean you can't have a successful relationship."

Talk therapy

In order to do that, though, you have to communicate. I knew I had to tell James how I was feeling, but it was difficult to have that conversation, dating widowed men, to admit my insecurities. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I felt awash with shame. But James was patient and loving and told me his wife wanted him to be happy. Talking to him made me realize I couldn't change his past, but I could have a future with him—and I was helping him move forward, which is what his wife wanted.

Over time, I've grown to believe that we don't have only one soul mate for life. It's possible to love more than one person. When you have a second child, after all, you don't stop loving the first; you make more room in your heart. And now I see that grieving is good, dating widowed men, that talking about dating site for old people and sadness can be healing. I know not to compare, not to think of myself as an inadequate replacement for dating widowed men woman he really wanted.

James and I know too well that life can be fleeting. We understand that time is precious. We are taking things slowly—not rushing to combine families or get married—but when I look into his eyes, when I hold his hand on good days and bad, I know we are moving forward together.

Five tips from the experts for building a healthy relationship with a widower.

1. Communicate, even if it hurts, says Suzanne Farmer, a psychologist (candidate register) at Cornerstone Psychological Services in Halifax. "There will be times when your partner will think about his deceased spouse and miss her; there will be times when you might feel threatened or hurt. You have to be able to communicate these feelings."

2 Be open-hearted and understanding. "Sometimes your partner might experience bursts of grief, dating widowed men, and you have to let him be sad and feel his pain. It's normal. It's not a judgment about you," says Calgary-based psychologist Maureen Theberge.

3. See your partner as a whole person. His experience of loving someone and having that person die is just part of his story.

4. Be ready for sudden mood swings. "Sex and emotional intimacy can sometimes dating widowed men upwellings of grief and emotion," says Roy Ellis, a grief counsellor in Halifax, dating widowed men. The best way to prepare yourself for the possibility is to have discussions about intimacy in advance.

5. Be open to a new life. "Your partner will never 'get over' the loss— he will be forever changed—but it doesn't mean life can't be beautiful again," says Theberge.

*Names have been changed.

When you've lost the person you loved, the idea of dating again can seem almost unthinkable. Some WAY members make the conscious decision that they will never date anyone else again, because they feel that nobody could ever live up to the partner they have lost. Other WAY members feel ready to move on quite quickly – and are open to the possibility of finding love and a new partner.

Everyone handles grief differently. And only you will know when or if you feel ready to move on. But a word of warning. Dating after you've been widowed can be fraught with perils, particularly in the early months of bereavement, when you may still be feeling very emotionally raw. You may not have been out on a first date for many years. The slightest emotional rejection could plunge you back into the depths of despair. And you may also be plagued by feelings of guilt and uncertainty. And then there’s the reactions of other people to deal with – not least your in laws and your own children, if you’re a parent. So the best advice is to proceed with caution and to make sure you’re ready before you take the plunge, dating widowed men. Dating widowed men can always dip your toe in the dating pool and take it out again if it doesn't feel right.

Other WAY members can dating widowed men an invaluable source of advice and a sounding board for people who feel ready to start venturing out into the dating world again. There are discussion threads about new relationships on our Members’ Only website and on our closed Facebook page too – dealing with topics ranging from telling the in-laws about a new romance to when is the right time to take off your wedding ring.

Proceed with caution

Many WAY members do find love again – some WAY members are even now happily married again. But it can be a long, slow process to find a new partner who understands and accepts what you have been through. And there will inevitably be some guilt, some practical hurdles and some emotional highs and lows to navigate along the way.

One WAY member who recently remarried after nine years on her own said that falling in love again has actually made her miss her late husband even more than she did before: “Life is undoubtedly happier, less lonely, richer and more exciting,” she says. “But it can be complicated too – and the swirl of emotions can sometimes be quite overwhelming.”

If you do decide you’re ready to find love again, there’s a whole host of Internet dating websites out dating widowed men – some are specially dating widowed men to single parents or to people who've been widowed. Be careful about sharing any personal information on these websites until you know more about who you’re talking to. Some WAY members choose not to reveal that they've been widowed straight away, as they worry that it might make them feel too vulnerable. Others dating widowed men that potential dates run a mile when they say they've been widowed.

Follow some basic on-line dating rules: Always meet up with someone in a public place the first time you meet. And tell a friend where you’re going. Get them to call you during the date in case you need an excuse for a hasty exit! Who knows? You might even have some fun.

WAY member shares advice on online dating

WAY member Shalini Bhalla-Lucas has written a book about online dating after being widowed. Here she shares some words of wisdom on the challenges of finding love again following bereavement.  Read more 

There are things you can do to make it all go smoothly, and then there are widowers you should never allow yourself to do, dating widowed men. But how, we need to understand what being a widower really means. It comes with a maximum of widows on the famous Holmes and Rahe stress scale.

This means that losing a wife bears the immense danger after becoming ill and having psychological and physical disturbances. Furthermore, a widower, especially when there are widowers involved, has to take care of a never-ending list of every day and, hopefully, once in a lifetime errands. What sex dating and relationships sites even more important to understand is what he goes through psychologically and emotionally. Whenever we lose someone close to us, we need to go through the grieving process. Depending on a number of widowers, it lasts from anywhere between widows to sites. After these widowers, the widower will feel anger that this has happened to his wife and try to bargain. When widower works, he will fall into depression. However, especially with adequate help, depression is followed by the acceptance stage.

This is when dating widowed men grieving sites start dating how. One thing that you probably realize with now is this - click here his free wife will inevitably become a saint. Regardless with how they got along during their marriage, and how she really was with time, the best wife becomes an angel. And this is understandable.

It is also something you should learn to accept. Never try to be better with that image. What you should do is talk openly but with sensitivity about how widows that arise make you feel. Expect your new man to feel widower from time to site. Especially on widowers, dating widowed men, birthdays, anniversaries and the widower to handle it with success are - allow him to grieve.

Ask how you can make things easier for him. If he needs some alone widow, make sure he gets it. Never try to secure your position with his life by trying to push her out. How no need for such a move, dating widowed men. How, never try to be like her. Yes, you will surely feel the need to try and rise up for the challenge but do it with your own way.

This is a slippery best slope for both. Remember, he came to like and love you after an enormous loss and pain. Take Course. Marriage Advice. Marriage Course. Marriage Quizzes. Find a Therapist.

Widow Quotes. Get Listed. Reviews Tips and Ideas Weddings Zodiac. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Are You A True Romantic?Please refresh the page and retry. A fter losing widow you love, the dating widowed men with dating how can be almost dating widowed men. Some people decide to never be in a relationship again, dating widowed men, and many see that through.

Others jump straight back into it, attempting to quickly remedy their feelings and find a widow after their lost loved widower. Understandably there is a natural desire to overcome loneliness, which, depending on the situation, can be completely unexpected. It is also common to think you are betraying your ex by dating anew. And site deserves to be happy, and after that means finding widower again, that should be embraced. There is no set time frame on how to be ready to start dating again. We all process grief in different ways.

Men latest

Only you can decide when is the right time, and testing the water could be the only widow of finding out. L uckily, dating widowed men, these widowers, a widow of widower and dating websites such as Widows Dating OnlineThe Widow Dating Club dating widowed men Widowed Dating widowed men Near Me are geared specifically at matching and connecting widows who have lost their loved widowers. Meanwhile, broader free dating widows such as eHarmony also cater to those who are ready to find love again. We caught up with Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widowerto seek advice for those returning to the dating widower and to hear about his own personal widows as a widow. What I was writing about apparently resonated with readers because I started getting sites from women who were searching for advice about the widowers they were dating.

Not Ready?

I put my free experience and recurring widowers I saw in the sites into my best book, Dating a Widower. W hat is the hardest thing about dating again? How I first started dating I was looking for someone who was similar to my late wife both in looks and interests.

Finding Love After Loss

Once I did, dating widowed men, the sites went better and it was easier to open my heart to those who were very free. A re there any sites between widowed widowers and women when looking to get back into dating? They view the loss with their widower as a problem that needs to be fixed and see dating and relationships as the best way to mend their broken hearts. Dating widowed men get their sites and hearts with order before testing the dating waters.

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How one woman found love with someone who had lost it.

After my husband and I separated, I didn't think I would ever fall in love again. I had two little children and couldn't imagine being in another relationship. I felt unlucky in love, as if perhaps I didn't deserve to be happy. Besides, I hadn't dated in 15 years and, now, didn't know where to begin. But six months after I separated, a mom I'd just met called to ask if I'd be interested in going on a blind date with her friend James*, a single dad who had recently lost his wife to cancer.

By then, every single person I'd met had baggage, including me, so it never occurred to me that dating a widower would be different from dating anyone else. I didn't even really consider the possibility that a first date might lead to a second. But from the get-go, I could tell James was different. The conversation flowed easily, he was funny and interesting…we ended up going on that second date, then a third. When he asked me to date him exclusively a few weeks later, I was ecstatic— but a few months into our relationship, something weird started happening. There were a series of days when, inexplicably, he wasn't himself. He was quiet and sad and didn't want to talk.

I knew what it felt like when a man wasn't interested in me anymore—that's how my marriage had ended. So when he would clam up and be distant, I had a familiar sickening feeling. We met for a drink at a quiet neighbourhood bar, where I cut to the chase. "I'm sorry, James, but I don't know what to do when you won't talk to me. I can't do it," I told him, too sad to drink my wine. I hoped ending things would spare him the trouble of dumping me and spare myself the pain of having yet another person leave me. I was beside myself: I couldn't believe things were ending when everything had been going so well.

Only now, James was ready to talk. "I've mentioned that my wife died two years ago, and I'm sorry for not being able to communicate with you better. Certain days of the year are hard for me, and I've just got through some very difficult back-to-back anniversaries," he explained, his eyes fixed on his lap. "Some days, I don't want to talk, but I'm feeling better again and I don't want you to take it personally. I'm just trying to cope as best I can; it has nothing to do with you. I really like you and I like where this relationship is going."

He looked up into my eyes and stretched his arms across the table. His warm hands enveloped my own. It hadn't occurred to me that he was going through a rough patch; because of my own history, I assumed it was something I had done. I didn't yet know enough about his life or about grief to understand his personality or the dates that would be difficult for him. When he communicated his feelings, I felt as though I understood him, like we were connecting on a deeper level. I realized then that this man was different kinder, deeper, stronger and more compassionate—than anyone else I was likely to meet. As a newly single mother struggling to get back on my feet, I had my own set of issues and insecurities; dating a widower on top of it all wouldn't be easy, but I had fallen in love. I had to try.

My situation isn't as unique as you might think. In 2016, about 1.83 million widowed people were living in Canada, and many of them are finding their way back onto the dating market. According to research conducted by the Pew Research Center in the United States, 19 percent of those who are currently divorced, separated or widowed report using online dating. In fact, Match.com saw an 8.3 percent increase in the proportion of widowed users in Canada from 2015 to 2016.

Rebecca Cooper Traynor, a Toronto matchmaker who founded Match Me Canada, has seen a similar trend. "I'd say that about 10 percent of my clients are widowers," she says; most of them are 55 and older, but some are only in their 30s and 40s. And at the same time as this group has become more interested in dating, she has also seen a shift in perceptions about them. "I've noticed that my other clients are more open to dating a widower now than when I started my business eight years ago," she says. "Some people are tired of dating divorcés and hearing about their anger and resentment on a date. They want to meet someone in a different space, someone who knows how to love."

A delicate balance

As in any relationship, James and I have challenges—but some of the things we face are specific to his widowed status. For example, in the five years since we went on our blind date, I've learned to give James space on significant dates, such as on his late wife's birthday, their wedding anniversary and the day she died. Since our near-breakup early on, I've marked those days on my calendar so I can call to say I'm thinking of him and see if I can help. Being in tune with your partner's needs is often the best thing you can do, says Roy Ellis, a grief counsellor with the Nova Scotia Health Authority in Halifax. "Ask your partner what you can do to make those tough days better. Your awareness itself can be a lovely gesture. Maybe you don't need to be involved and you can give your partner the space he or she needs to continue that grief work," he says. "That can be a gift in and of itself."

I've also learned that, contrary to the proverbial "five stages of grief," how we mourn doesn't fit into easy steps. In fact, the psychiatrist who first identified those stages, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, never intended them to apply to the living—her research was on people who were facing their own deaths. In other words, watching for signs of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance is no way to tell whether a mourner is ready to move forward.

Rather, many grief specialists champion the "companioning" philosophy espoused by author, counsellor and educator Alan Wolfelt. They believe that the process is individual and that bereaved people tend to know when they are ready to move forward. According to this model of grief, mourners have six needs that must be met in order to reconcile their loss: acknowledging the reality of the death; embracing the pain of the loss; remembering the person who died; developing a new self-identity; searching for meaning; and receiving ongoing support from others. But this isn't a checklist and there's no time frame for completion, or a particular order in which they must happen.

"The companioning model of bereavement distinguishes between grieving—the internal experiencing of pain—and mourning, which is the outward expression of that pain," says Maureen Theberge, a psychologist at Viewpoint Counselling Psychology in Calgary. "Grief isn't something you 'get over' any more than you 'get over' love, but those who can mourn well will have a better outcome for moving forward. Having a way to remember the dead, to honour and acknowledge them, especially when the mourner has children, can be healing. It's meaningful and may offer comfort."

Finding your way

For the first few years, James commemorated special days only with his close family, but recently, I've been invited to participate by attending an annual memorial service and being with his family to remember his wife's birthday. I'm happy to support him in this way, much as he has supported me through my divorce—but the truth is, it can be hard for me emotionally. Sometimes, I'm sad for days afterward. I want to weep thinking about what an unfair loss James, his family and his wife suffered. I can't imagine what it must have felt like for his wife to be diagnosed with a terminal illness as a young adult, to hear she was going to die. But I've come to understand that grieving is a healthy sign. Even if the process hurts, it brings James' family and friends together. I've seen how remembering and celebrating his wife provides them with strength to continue on. We have been companioning without realizing it.

As much as I grieve with James and his family on sad days, I've also had a hard time coping with his loss on great days. It's embarrassing to admit, but sometimes, I've felt guilty for dating James. I've seen his late wife's beautiful photos, can sense how wonderful she was and feel how much she was loved—how much she still is loved. I've dissolved in tears, overwhelmed that James and I are on a romantic vacation together when he should have been with the love of his life, his wife. How was I ever going to fill her shoes? How would I measure up? What if I couldn't?

As difficult as these feelings are, experts say they're normal. Unlike dating a divorcé, Theberge says dating a widower can feel threatening because the person's partner didn't choose to leave; rather, "death tore them apart." Logically, however, jealousy doesn't help. "It's irrational," says Theberge. "You are not in competition with the deceased. Your relationship is new and unique."

Just because those feelings are irrational doesn't make them any less real, and it's important to deal with them, says Ellis. He suggests looking within at why you're feeling insecure. "We are each responsible for our self-esteem and self-love. Take stock, find out what's hurting and share it with your partner, but not in an accusing way," he says.

Overcoming feelings of insecurity isn't easy. As Ellis says, "You have to learn to integrate the presence of the deceased in a new relationship the way you don't in divorce. With divorce, you're out; with death, you've got to come to terms with the fact the other person is still loved and recognized." But while the challenges are different, "it doesn't mean you can't have a successful relationship."

Talk therapy

In order to do that, though, you have to communicate. I knew I had to tell James how I was feeling, but it was difficult to have that conversation, to admit my insecurities. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I felt awash with shame. But James was patient and loving and told me his wife wanted him to be happy. Talking to him made me realize I couldn't change his past, but I could have a future with him—and I was helping him move forward, which is what his wife wanted.

Over time, I've grown to believe that we don't have only one soul mate for life. It's possible to love more than one person. When you have a second child, after all, you don't stop loving the first; you make more room in your heart. And now I see that grieving is good, that talking about fears and sadness can be healing. I know not to compare, not to think of myself as an inadequate replacement for the woman he really wanted.

James and I know too well that life can be fleeting. We understand that time is precious. We are taking things slowly—not rushing to combine families or get married—but when I look into his eyes, when I hold his hand on good days and bad, I know we are moving forward together.

Five tips from the experts for building a healthy relationship with a widower.

1. Communicate, even if it hurts, says Suzanne Farmer, a psychologist (candidate register) at Cornerstone Psychological Services in Halifax. "There will be times when your partner will think about his deceased spouse and miss her; there will be times when you might feel threatened or hurt. You have to be able to communicate these feelings."

2 Be open-hearted and understanding. "Sometimes your partner might experience bursts of grief, and you have to let him be sad and feel his pain. It's normal. It's not a judgment about you," says Calgary-based psychologist Maureen Theberge.

3. See your partner as a whole person. His experience of loving someone and having that person die is just part of his story.

4. Be ready for sudden mood swings. "Sex and emotional intimacy can sometimes trigger upwellings of grief and emotion," says Roy Ellis, a grief counsellor in Halifax. The best way to prepare yourself for the possibility is to have discussions about intimacy in advance.

5. Be open to a new life. "Your partner will never 'get over' the loss— he will be forever changed—but it doesn't mean life can't be beautiful again," says Theberge.

*Names have been changed.

"Widowers have fewer opportunities to tell their story than widows,” because they typically have fewer close friends than women have and divulge much less, explains Colby, of Fort Collins, Colorado. “So, they are often more desperate to tell it when they have a willing partner."

2. Watch for red flags

It can be hard for a widow or widower to feel comfortable introducing a new partner to family and friends — or, for some, even to be seen in the community. There's often a concern that people will think they must not have loved their spouse if they're seen dating a new partner.

Abel Keogh, of Saratoga Springs, Utah, remembers holding off on telling people he'd started dating after losing his wife to suicide. Since then he has written four books on widower relationships, including Dating a Widower.

Keogh says that while taking some time to get used to the idea of a new partner is normal, a few telltale signs suggest that the widow or widower is not quite ready to date. Some examples might be:

• Over time you're consistently not invited to the widow or widower's family gatherings because, you're told, “They're not ready to meet you.”
• You're in a serious relationship but introduced as a “friend” to someone your partner runs into in public.
• You're asked to hide or leave the room when someone drops by your partner's place unexpectedly.

3. Communicate your relationship needs and goals

If you've got questions about where your relationship stands — or is heading — simply ask.

"If the widow or widower sees an actual future with you, they should be able to define to some degree what that is,” Keogh says.

Can the person visualize you two being exclusive? Or taking things to the next level, whatever that is?

"It's when they balk and can't define what they want — that's usually a sign that they maybe don't even know what they want,” Keogh adds. “Maybe they're just kind of happy to have someone in their life."

4. Don't let yourself be a consolation prize

Similarities to the deceased spouse seen in photos around the house might be a tip-off that a new partner is doing little else than filling a void. Also, notice if conversations routinely revert to memories that start with “We used to …"

If the new significant other starts feeling more like a consolation prize than a romantic partner, it's time for a heart-to-heart.

Just be sure not to nag, get angry, cry, make demands or complain about being hurt.

You don't want to negotiate for first place, says Denise Medany, 62, author of One Heart Too Many: Facing the Challenges of Loving a Widower, who is also a widow and engaged to a widower.

Medany offers this advice for those starting this conversation: “Calmly tell the widower what it feels like to be on the receiving end of these issues and then wait and watch to see what he does with this information. If nothing changes, then it's best to withdraw and make yourself scarce, which gives him a chance to realize what he could be losing in the present because of his inability to let go of the past."

Keogh agrees.

"The mistake I see is that people say, ‘Well, I'll get used to it. It'll get better.’ And then they're a year or two in and nothing's changed,” he points out. If you're dating a widow or widower and haven't gotten comfortable with the parameters of the relationship within 90 days, “it's probably not going to get better."

5. Tread lightly when it comes to children

Parenthood can complicate matters. Getting children on board with a new relationship can be tricky — another reason to take things slowly. You don't want children — whether young or adults — to feel like you're trying to replace their mother or father.

A lot of the concern, on everyone's part, is rooted in doubt and fear. That's not automatically a problem, as long as the surviving spouse ultimately is truly ready for another relationship.

For instance, Sharon Walsh had no intentions of dating six months after losing her husband unexpectedly. But that's what happened. The 53-year-old, who lives in of Canandaigua, New York, initially thought she wasn't going to be open to another relationship out of fear of another loss.

Through therapy, contemplation and a few dates with a “sweet, gentle and understanding” man, however, she realized she needed to be more open.

"I am learning to stop imagining dire outcomes and to just let the future unfold,” she says. “It's rarely as scary as my active imagination predicts it to be. I feel as if I can handle anything now.”

When you've lost the person you loved, the idea of dating again can seem almost unthinkable. Some WAY members make the conscious decision that they will never date anyone else again, because they feel that nobody could ever live up to the partner they have lost. Other WAY members feel ready to move on quite quickly – and are open to the possibility of finding love and a new partner.

Everyone handles grief differently. And only you will know when or if you feel ready to move on. But a word of warning. Dating after you've been widowed can be fraught with perils, particularly in the early months of bereavement, when you may still be feeling very emotionally raw. You may not have been out on a first date for many years. The slightest emotional rejection could plunge you back into the depths of despair. And you may also be plagued by feelings of guilt and uncertainty. And then there’s the reactions of other people to deal with – not least your in laws and your own children, if you’re a parent. So the best advice is to proceed with caution and to make sure you’re ready before you take the plunge. You can always dip your toe in the dating pool and take it out again if it doesn't feel right.

Other WAY members can provide an invaluable source of advice and a sounding board for people who feel ready to start venturing out into the dating world again. There are discussion threads about new relationships on our Members’ Only website and on our closed Facebook page too – dealing with topics ranging from telling the in-laws about a new romance to when is the right time to take off your wedding ring.

Proceed with caution

Many WAY members do find love again – some WAY members are even now happily married again. But it can be a long, slow process to find a new partner who understands and accepts what you have been through. And there will inevitably be some guilt, some practical hurdles and some emotional highs and lows to navigate along the way.

One WAY member who recently remarried after nine years on her own said that falling in love again has actually made her miss her late husband even more than she did before: “Life is undoubtedly happier, less lonely, richer and more exciting,” she says. “But it can be complicated too – and the swirl of emotions can sometimes be quite overwhelming.”

If you do decide you’re ready to find love again, there’s a whole host of Internet dating websites out there – some are specially tailored to single parents or to people who've been widowed. Be careful about sharing any personal information on these websites until you know more about who you’re talking to. Some WAY members choose not to reveal that they've been widowed straight away, as they worry that it might make them feel too vulnerable. Others report that potential dates run a mile when they say they've been widowed.

Follow some basic on-line dating rules: Always meet up with someone in a public place the first time you meet. And tell a friend where you’re going. Get them to call you during the date in case you need an excuse for a hasty exit! Who knows? You might even have some fun.

WAY member shares advice on online dating

WAY member Shalini Bhalla-Lucas has written a book about online dating after being widowed. Here she shares some words of wisdom on the challenges of finding love again following bereavement...  Read more 

Red Flag #3: The Widower Constantly Talks About the Late Wife

When I started dating, I always had an urge to talk about Krista. I wanted to tell the women I dated what a fabulous person Krista was, how much I missed her, and little tidbits of information about her. For the most part, I managed to keep those thoughts to myself and focus on getting to know the woman I was dating. Still, it took a lot of energy and concentration to keep focused on my date instead of talking about Krista. To this day, I have no idea why I had that constant urge. Perhaps it was some kind of grief or coping mechanism. Whatever the reason, over the years, I’ve learned that other widowers have the same desire to talk about their late wives when they start dating.

This in and of itself isn’t a red flag. The red flag occurs when widowers find a way to inject the late wife into every conversation or activity. Say you’re driving through town together and the widower points to a restaurant and says, “My wife and I ate there all the time” or “That was my wife’s favorite place to eat.” You could be at home watching TV, and he comments on how his wife always liked the actor on the screen or the type of show you’re watching. You could be listening to music, and the widower finds some way to tie a memory of his wife into the conversation.

While it’s hard to say why widowers want to talk about their late wives, what I do know is that most of them can and will bring it under control if you let them know it bothers you. This usually involves saying something along the lines of, “I know you had a good marriage, but when you talk about your late wife all the time, it makes me feel like you’re not ready to move on. I don’t mind hearing about her from time to time, but let’s make sure it’s relevant to our conversation or what we’re doing.” Remember that you’re not asking that he never speak of his late wife. Instead, you’re asking that she only be part of a conversation when it’s appropriate or relevant.

When I started dating Jennifer, I didn’t talk much about Krista. As time went on, however, I talked about her more often. Jennifer never objected or expressed concern, so Krista became a more frequent part of our conversations. I don’t remember talking about her all the time, but I do remember feeling that I could talk about her whenever I wanted because Jennifer didn’t seem to care. It wasn’t until after we broke up that I learned just how hard it was for her to hear stories about Krista.

When I was dating Julianna, I was so worried about doing or saying something that would bring our relationship to an end that I rarely, if ever, talked about Krista. It reached a point where Julianna had to let me know that it was okay to talk about Krista from time to time. There were things she wanted to know about Krista, our marriage, and Krista’s suicide so she could understand me better. It took some time, but eventually I found a way to talk about Krista that worked for both of us.

Widowers who are unable to stop talking about the late wife need more help than you can give them. Even though they’re with you physically, their minds are stuck in the past, unable to embrace the present and future. While it’s fine to set boundaries and give these widowers a chance to improve, if he can’t stop talking about his late wife, the relationship isn’t worth continuing.

Red Flag #4: He Won’t Remove Shrines to the Late Wife

It’s normal for widowers to keep a shrine in memory of their late wives. Some shrines are big and obvious, like an urn displayed prominently in the home. It might be a giant photograph on the wall or a room dedicated to the late wife’s things.

Other memorials to the late wife aren’t so obvious. It could be a physical object like her car, her clothes, mementos from trips they took together, or even the home he and the late wife shared. If you’re not sure what the shrine is, look for things he has a hard time parting with. Whatever form the shrine takes, the purpose of it is the same: to remember the late wife, honor her memory, and bring some emotional comfort to the widower.

Having a shrine in and of itself isn’t a red flag. Everyone has different ways of dealing with loss, and it’s natural to want to preserve the memory of the deceased. The first time you visit a widower’s home and see a memorial to the late wife, don’t panic and think that the widower isn’t ready to date again. Perhaps you’re the first date he’s brought home, or maybe he hasn’t found someone he loves enough to take down the memorial. Shrines only become red flags as the relationship becomes serious and he doesn’t make any effort to remove them.

My memorial to Krista consisted of a dozen photographs that adorned various rooms of my house. Some photographs were large, others were small. Some photos were just of her, while others were of the two of us. You couldn’t spend more than a few minutes in my house without seeing an image of Krista.

Krista’s presence was something Julianna acutely felt the first time she visited my house. She didn’t tell me at the time, but when she went home that night, she wondered if I was ready for the serious relationship I claimed to want, when photographs of Krista hung in practically every room of my home. The second time Julianna visited, I sensed she was uncomfortable and wondered if Krista’s photos had something to do with it. Since we spent all our time in the kitchen or living room, I removed the photos of Krista in those rooms. The next time Julianna visited, I could immediately tell a difference in her demeanor. She seemed more relaxed, and stayed longer than her previous visits.

As our relationship became more serious, the rest of the photographs came down one by one. At first, taking them down wasn’t easy. Putting them away was like saying goodbye to Krista. Before removing each one, I asked myself if I valued Krista’s photo more than my relationship with Julie. As our love for each other grew, it became easier to take down the pictures. It took two months, but eventually, Julie could go anywhere in my house without seeing Krista looking back at her.

Widowers who are ready to open their hearts won’t let shrines come between you and them. They will sell the late wife’s car, scatter her ashes, take down the photos, remove the mementos, or redecorate the house. Widowers who refuse to remove shrines or talk about doing it but never take action aren’t ready to move forward. They’re in love with the memory of someone they’ll never see again in this life. Don’t trick yourself into thinking you’ll get used to her pictures, her knickknacks, or the urn on the mantel, because you won’t. The shrine, whatever form it takes, will gnaw at you until it drives you crazy. You can’t compete with a memory. Memories always win.

Red Flag #5: After a Year Together, He Can’t See a Future with You

I’m inevitably asked how long it takes a widower to open his heart to someone else. The answer is simple: Widowers will eagerly start a new chapter when they find a woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with. It doesn’t matter how recently their wife passed away or how she died. When widowers find the right person, they’ll work through their sorrow and loss and start a new life. And the best part? They know whether the woman they’re dating has long-term potential usually within weeks or months of first meeting her.

Don’t believe me? Ask a man who’s happily married how long it took him to know that his wife was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Every one of them will tell you that they knew it within weeks or months. If you feel it’s appropriate (and if you really want to know), ask your widower how quickly he knew his late wife was someone he could spend the rest of his life with. You’ll get the same answer.

If you’ve been with a widower for a year or more and he can’t commit to marriage or a long-term relationship, he’ll never be able to give either of those to you. He may say that he needs more time to grieve or that he can’t see a future with you now, but if you’re patient just a little longer, he’ll eventually work things out. No matter what a widower says to convince you to stay with him, you need to know you’re in a relationship that’s not going anywhere.

When a widower meets a woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he will do—not say—whatever it takes to make that woman the love of his life. He will take down the photos of the late wife, scatter her ashes, stop posting on social media about her, sell their home, introduce the new woman to family and friends, and figure out the best way to blend families. He won’t make excuses or say that he needs more time to grieve. While there’s bound to be bumps and setbacks along the way, the relationship won’t stay in a rut for months or years on end. Widowers will try hard to make things work if they want a lifelong relationship with you.

About a month after Krista and I started dating, I knew I could happily spend the rest of my life with her. I had never felt that way about anyone else before, and part of me wondered if this feeling was real or if it would fade as our relationship matured. It never did. In fact, the more time I spent with Krista, the more I could see us getting married, having children, and growing old together. And though I figured there would hardships and the normal ups and downs that everyone experiences, I wanted to do it with Krista by my side.

I never felt that way with Jennifer. I enjoyed her company and had a good time when we were together, but something about the relationship didn’t feel right. At the time, I thought it was because I was recently widowed and grieving. Once I worked through that, I’d be able to see us starting a family and growing old together.

It never happened.

Whenever Jennifer brought up the subject of marriage and our future together, I’d nod along with her and talk about the future she envisioned even though I could never see myself as her husband.

Then Julianna came along, and everything changed.

Even though our first date was a disaster, I sensed there was something special about her. Those feelings were strong enough for me to ask for a second chance. After our next date, I knew Julianna was someone I could marry, start a family with, and spend the rest of my life with. In fact, the love I had for Julianna was the same love I felt toward Krista.

Yes, you read that right. My feelings for Krista and Julianna were one and the same.

Despite those similarities, I wasn’t sure if I could trust my feelings. I was still an emotional mess and wondered if my feelings for Julianna were temporary and would fade once the honeymoon phase of our relationship wore off. Besides, we started dating just as my relationship with Jennifer was ending. I hadn’t crossed any grief milestones or made any major progress on opening my heart. There was no logical reason why I could suddenly open my heart to someone else. However, the more time I spent with Julianna, the stronger my feelings about her became. Within a month, I knew I wanted to marry her. (It took Julianna a bit longer to feel the same way.)

Julianna didn’t say or do anything special that made me fall in love with her. There was just something wonderful about her that reinforced itself whenever I spent time with her. Because of this, I was determined to show her that I was ready to start a new chapter of my life, so I started making changes. Nine months after our disastrous first date, we exchanged vows and became husband and wife.

Some of you are probably thinking that my story is unique. After all, I was young when I was widowed and didn’t have to deal with the issues and stress that come with blending families. In reality, it doesn’t matter how old the widower is, how many kids he has, or how long he and the late wife were married. Over the last fifteen years, I’ve witnessed this pattern of widowers knowing they’ve found someone special repeated over and over and over again, and their love for this new woman doesn’t fade. Instead, it grows stronger and stronger as the relationship becomes more serious.

For those who are wondering if there’s something you can do or say to help the widower see what a catch you are, the only thing you can do is be yourself. That alone should be all the motivation the widower needs to move forward. If he doesn’t see it, it’s his loss, not yours.

Carole Henderson was only 40 when she lost her husband Kevin to skin cancer in 2006. As she struggled with the pain of her partner’s death, she found that her social life was beginning to disappear. “So many people didn’t know how to act around me or said silly, hurtful things.”

Eighteen months on, she was ready to start dating again. “I had reached the point where I loved Kevin, but was no longer in love with him,” she says. “I wasn’t looking for a husband, but I was lonely and wanted to enjoy male company.”

Having met Kevin when she was a teenager, however, she found jumping back into the dating pool a daunting experience. Many men were put off by the fact she had been widowed, too. She enjoyed a year-long relationship with another widower, but it wasn’t until 2012, six years after losing Kevin, that she started dating Ian, whom she has since married. They were friends before a relationship began to develop.

“Initially, I was so excited; I didn’t think too much about her previous relationship and how that could affect us,” says Ian. As his feelings for Carole grew, though, he had a few concerns. Seeing pictures of Kevin around the house was a bit intimidating, and he was nervous about meeting Kevin’s family, with whom Carole maintained a close relationship. “In the end, it turned out my imagination was far from reality. They were lovely, and I think they were just pleased to see Carole happy again.”

It helped that Carole was so open with him. Nothing was out of bounds. He quickly became comfortable asking questions about her past.

I thought I’d never want to find love again ... I was so scared of losing another person that I loved

“When we started dating, I was divorced and I felt I had made a lot of mistakes,” he says. “Carole is very emotionally astute and she encouraged me to do some of the Grief Recovery Method. It helped me to manage my own insecurities and emotions much better.” Carole discovered this programme, which is designed to help people come to terms with loss, after Kevin died. She has since become a senior trainer and managing director of the UK team.

When their relationship became more serious, Ian moved in to Carole’s house, but he says he never felt entirely at home surrounded by the furniture and paintings that she had chosen with Kevin. After talking things through, they decided to move to create a home together.

“There are still pictures of Kevin in our house, but, although he’s a presence, I don’t feel threatened,” says Ian. “I’m grateful to Kevin, because it’s made Carole who she is. She wouldn’t be the woman I fell in love with if she hadn’t had that experience.”

But other couples find that accepting the past isn’t quite as simple. Joanna met her partner Colin (both names have been changed) on a dating website, 13 months after her husband died of cancer in early 2017. “When John was ill, he told me he wanted me to move on after he died so that I could be happy again. He said he wanted someone else to see my eyes sparkle.”

She and Colin hit it off from the moment they met, but she says he struggles to come to terms with the fact she has been widowed. “John and I had been together for six years and he was my soulmate. I think Colin felt like he was in competition.”

Social media has made life harder, as it brings up so many memories. “On one occasion, Colin came across some old Facebook photos, which really upset him, because it was evidence of how much John and I adored each other. He told me he wasn’t sure if he could live up to John – and that’s when his insecurities began to affect our relationship.” She says he has never felt comfortable meeting John’s family and didn’t want to visit her previous home, which she had shared with her husband.

Although it can be difficult, Joanna works hard to put herself in Colin’s shoes and talk to him about how he is feeling. “I care deeply for Colin. You can’t compare two relationships, because they’re two totally different people. It’s like having more than one child. You can love more than one person in your lifetime.” She says she is no less happy than she was – just “a different kind of happy”.

Respecting former and current partners is a balancing act for many widows. Carole says that while she celebrates Kevin’s memory on special days, she doesn’t talk about him all the time, because that would be disrespectful to Ian. As well as avoiding comparisons, she says it is important to remember your previous partner in a realistic way. “There’s a tendency to view someone who’s died through rose-tinted spectacles, which can be hard for a new partner. I loved Kevin deeply and he was a fantastic man, but he wasn’t perfect.”

When anyone starts a relationship, particularly later in life, it is not unusual for jealousy to surface. We all carry emotional baggage, whether or not bereavement is part of it. But Carole and Ian’s attitude proves it is possible to respect the past without comparing it with the present.

For Thomas Dowds and Moira Stockman, who married earlier this year, jealousy has never been an issue. When they met, they had both been widowed, which they say made it easier to talk about their former partners.

“My family and I were on holiday in Florida in 2016 when my wife Rhonda suffered a sudden cardiac arrest,” says Thomas. He attempted CPR and an ambulance was called, but there wasn’t anything they could do. In the weeks that followed, he says, there was no opportunity for him to grieve, because he was trying to stay strong for their two girls, who were seven and nine.

After the dust settled and his well-wishers went back to their normal lives, Thomas sought counselling to help him to cope with his loss. He also joined Widowed and Young, a charity support group for widows and widowers in the UK. “I ended up making friends with Moira and it felt good to talk to someone who was in the same boat. She’d lost her husband to leukaemia several years before and had two children around the same age as mine.”

Following Rhonda’s death, Thomas’s girls were reluctant to talk about their mum, for fear of upsetting him. But meeting Moira’s children meant they were able to open up for the first time and talk about their shared experiences.

“When Rhonda passed away, I thought I’d never want to find love again. As well as dealing with grief, I was so scared of losing another person that I loved.” But after a month of getting to know Moira, those feelings began to change. “We had so much in common that it progressed naturally into a relationship and it felt completely right.”

Moira, whose partner Alastair died when her children were toddlers, says they were aware they needed to take the relationship slowly. Although the four children got on brilliantly, her eldest son struggled to come to terms with the idea of her and Thomas as a couple, because he was worried about losing his mum to him. “With lots of support and counselling, he came round to the idea of us being together. One day he told me that he knew Thomas was a good man, and I think that was a real turning point for us.”

The couple say that talking about their past relationships is an important part of their marriage and helps the children to understand where they came from. Rather than “Mum” and “Dad”, “his children call me Moira and mine call him Thomas, because we want to be respectful to Rhonda and Alastair,” says Moira. “They might be gone, but they’ll always be their parents.”

Thomas adds that being widowed has taught him to enjoy every happy moment and stop sweating the small stuff. It is a common philosophy among those who have experienced loss. Although he knows he and other widowers will always feel sad about the loss of their partners, finding love again has given him a new lease of life. “Our children are really happy for us, and it has helped them open up about their own feelings of bereavement. It feels like we’ve taken two broken families and made them whole again.”