Dating an emotionally unavailable woman - have removed
Dating someone emotionally not available can be a difficult, frustrating, and ultimately painful experience. It may feel like you’re always trying to reach a goal that keeps moving further away. You may wonder if there’s something wrong with you if someone who claims to love you keeps you at arm’s length. Rest assured, the problem lies with your partner, not you.
In this article, we’ll discuss how to recognize whether or not your partner is emotionally not available and what you can do to either improve the relationship or to move on for your self-preservation.
What Does Emotionally Unavailable Mean?
An emotionally not available woman or man is strongly independent and has difficulty discussing and expressing their feelings. They may make excuses to keep their distance, vacillate between affection and rejection, and shy away from excessive intimacy or displays of affection. You may never know where you stand with an emotionally not available individual, even if they claim to love you and want to be with you.
While the goal is to feel heard and emotionally supported by your partner, there is such a thing as too much reliance on someone else. It’s not healthy to expect your partner to be fully responsible for managing your negative feelings. That can lead to an unbalanced relationship and codependent behavior, in which one partner tries to take on too much responsibility and control the other person.
But being with someone who is not available emotionally can often feel like a one-sided relationship. It can be a painful, lonely experience that makes you feel rejected and frustrated. Certain men are most often seen to be emotionally not available but increasing numbers of women have been identified as having the same defining characteristics.
Characteristics of An Emotionally Unavailable Partner
Emotional unavailability isn’t difficult to spot if you know what to look for. The behavior of emotionally not available men and women in relationships is described as cold, distant, detached, or dismissive from the outside. It’s as though they have built an invisible wall around themselves. Attempts to scale this wall and get them to open up usually lead to further distance.
An avoidant relationship style has been associated through research with poorer relationship satisfaction and outcomes.
Emotionally closed off partners may:
- Avoid any conflict or discussion about the relationship or feelings.
- Refuse to discuss plans about the future.
- Have difficulty putting how they feel into words.
- Have physical manifestations of emotions such as headaches, heartburn, and stomachaches.
- Have difficulty empathizing when you share your feelings.
- Avoid physical contact.
- Be late when you make plans together.
- Have difficulty compromising, even on small matters.
- Make excuses for minimizing your time together.
To make matters more confusing, some people who have an emotionally avoidant style may begin a relationship by seeming much more open. That’s because intimacy is still on a superficial level and there’s not too much risk of the other person getting close yet. For most emotionally avoidant people, they want love desperately but are also terrified of being hurt.
The closer that you get to an emotionally not available person the more vulnerable and worried they might feel. They may not realize how uncomfortable intimacy makes them feel, especially if they consciously want a relationship.
Why Do People Become Emotionally Unavailable?
Knowing the reasons behind your partner’s emotional distance can make it easier to manage your negative feelings and distress. Additionally, it can help you better relate to your partner and to determine whether the relationship is truly sustainable.
People become emotionally detached and distant to guard their hearts against pain after being rejected, abused, bullied, or otherwise mistreated. It often starts with an emotionally distant, neglectful, or abusive parent who teaches them early on that their emotional needs won’t be met and to not depend on anyone but themselves.
Someone may become temporarily emotionally cut off for various reasons, such as after the death of a loved one while battling depression or another serious illness, or after a job loss. This difficult time may pass on its own, or they may require professional support, such as speaking with a therapist. Either way, the emotional distance is usually only temporary if its contrary to their previous style of relating.
Is My Partner “Bad” If They’re Emotionally Unavailable?
Being emotionally not available, no matter the reason, does not make someone a bad person. Usually, emotionally not available women and men are that way because they’ve learned to guard their hearts against the pain experienced by previous traumas. It means they’ve learned to build a wall around themselves to avoid further hurt and maintain a comforting sense of independence and control.
It can be difficult to date someone who is often distant and cold, especially if you’re an affectionate person. The more you love someone, the harder it can be when they pull away or put the brakes on intimacy, especially if they claim to share your feelings. You may constantly feel like you’re receiving mixed messages.
While a partner may not be a bad person for being emotionally detached, if they are not willing to work on improving intimacy and communication in the relationship, you may not be able to make it work. It takes both partners working together to repair and strengthen a relationship, and that means effort and dedication on both sides.
What to Do If Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable
Have A Frank Discussion. The first step if you suspect that the person, you’re dating is emotionally not available is to attempt to spark an open discussion about the situation. This can be tricky if the other person is closed off or has difficulty talking about their emotions or putting their thoughts into words. Sometimes, emotionally not available people do wind up getting married. If your emotionally unavailable husband or wife is putting a strain on the marriage, you owe it to yourselves to address it.
Engage your partner in a non-confrontational manner when both of you are calm and relaxed. Keep your words positive and encouraging and focus on the specific problems you’ve identified without blaming your partner.
Know It’s Not Your Fault. This is far easier said than done, of course. Most of us tend to take it personally when our partner turns away from us. It can hurt deeply when your bids for attention or attempts at affection are declined, especially if it becomes a regular thing. But when this happens, try to adopt a mindful perspective on the situation. An emotionally not available husband, for example, who avoids spending a lot of romantic time with his wife may be to maintain his feeling of independence and ward off discomfort with intimacy. It’s not you; it’s the other person.
Listen When They Say They Aren’t Ready. If your partner openly states that they are not ready for commitment, not sure about your relationship, or doubts that you’re right for them, listen. Even if they claim to love you or possibly want to build something in the future, if they express these kinds of doubts, it means they already have ammunition against you that will be hard to overcome.
Don’t Start an Argument. Maybe you’ve attempted to calmly and rationally discuss your feelings and concerns with your partner, only to hear crickets in response. You may feel that an argument is the only way to get your partner’s attention. However, this will only cause your partner to close up more, especially if they’re uncomfortable with confrontation. As odd as it may seem, they may even feel attacked by your attempts to work through your issues, as this type of conversation threatens to make them vulnerable.
Give Them Space Where You Can. If you’re hoping to be spending time with your partner constantly, you’re bound to be disappointed if they’re the avoidant type. Instead, try to expand your hobbies and time with friends. By giving your partner a good amount of distance, they may grow more comfortable with intimacy and meet you halfway. If they’re sure that their independence is not being threatened by being with you, they’ll be more likely to experience the feeling of security they need to start disassembling their wall, brick by brick.
Celebrate Victories, Big and Small. If your partner begins to put their feelings into words or appear to truly take your concerns to heart and are trying to change, celebrate these victories. Genuinely praise these attempts, which require more effort than you may realize. It can be painful and scary to make yourself vulnerable, and our brains are wired to avoid these attempts at change.
Know When to Walk Away. If your partner is unwilling or unable to change, then you’ll have a tough decision to make. Often, emotionally detached partners reach a limit where they must decide whether to commit or not, and many are just not ready to commit. But others can drag out a relationship with maddeningly hot and cold behavior for months or even years. At a certain point, if your partner hasn’t made a true attempt to change and continues to ignore you or push you away, it may be best to move on.
Can Therapy Help?
If you find yourself at an impasse with your partner, couples’ therapy can be of potential assistance. That’s if your partner is willing to work on opening up more, and both of you are receptive to adopting more effective ways of communicating and relating to one another.
If the relationship ends, you may find yourself in need of guidance and support to pick up the pieces. Being shut out by someone you love, even if you understand the motive behind their distance and defensiveness, can be extremely hurtful.
ReGain.us offers both individual and couples counseling to help you improve your relationships and overcome past hurts to better emotional intimacy. Click here to learn more information.
8 signs that you're dealing with an emotionally unavailable person, according to experts
- Emotionally unavailable people may have trouble committing to plans and not show enthusiasm.
- They may also be inconsistent when they communicate with you and send mixed messages.
- When you're dating an emotionally unavailable person, you may feel like you're the problem.
- Visit Insider's Health Reference library for more advice.
You may hear the phrase "emotionally unavailable" often when your friends talk about dating woes, but what exactly does it mean?
Healthy relationships involve open communication, vulnerability, and reciprocity – which aren't necessarily strengths of people who are emotionally unavailable. Trying to date someone who puts walls up and avoids emotional intimacy can be extremely frustrating, and may lead to the downfall of the relationship if changes aren't made.
Here are eight warning signs that you're dealing with an emotionally unavailable person.
1. They're inconsistent with communication
When you're trying to form a connection with someone who's emotionally unavailable, you may notice that communication is rarely timely or consistent.
"You never know when you'll hear from them. As a result, the relationship often feels as if it is on their terms and you are in the passenger seat," says Roxy Zarrabi, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist in private practice.
Quality of early communication can be an important precursor to the relationship's future success. A 2017 study found that communication in the beginning stage of a relationship can play a role in future relationship satisfaction. Furthermore, satisfaction with communication in the early stage of a relationship might result in a more amicable partnership down the line.
2. They have trouble committing to plans
When potential plans are near, they might leave everything up in the air, which keeps you wondering and waiting around for a text or call. Or, you may notice them become uncomfortable or uninterested if you bring up ideas for plans in the future.
This usually isn't the case with someone who is willing to be vulnerable: "When someone likes you and is emotionally available, the majority of the time they will make sure that you know it with consistent communication and by showing their enthusiasm for planning future activities with you," says Zarrabi.
3. They send you mixed messages
Emotionally unavailable people can be extremely confusing. "They may come on strong then become distant. They may say they like you, want to spend time with you, or that they can see a future with you –– but 'can't commit to anything right now,'" says Zarrabi.
You might end up focusing on the positive part of the message while ignoring that the person is saying they don't want to commit, or hoping that they'll change their mind.
If they flip-flop between saying they want a relationship or they don't, it can be a big indicator that they aren't truly ready for a healthy serious relationship. Readiness to jump into a new committed relationship plays a big role in how someone will act towards a potential partner.
Unsurprisingly, a 2018 study found that singles who reported readiness were more likely to have greater interest in a specific individual, behave with intent to start a relationship, and engage in flirting and physical touch.
The study also found that people who had negative relationships in the past, such as if they were cheated on, are less likely to be ready for a committed relationship.
4. They pull away when things get deep
Since emotionally unavailable people likely equate closeness and intimacy with being hurt, they tend to pull away the more you try to connect with them.
"The more you fall for the emotionally unavailable person, and show them through words and kindness how much they mean to you, the further they may distance themselves," says Laurie Singer LMFT, BCBA, therapist and behavior analyst at Laurie Singer Behavioral Services.
5. They don't reciprocate your emotional efforts
You may not get back what you're putting into the relationship. "The emotionally unavailable partner anticipates being let down. One way they protect themselves is to not make the same effort as you in the relationship," says Singer.
For example, you may pour your heart out to them, expressing the love you have for them and how much you care about them and receive little or nothing in return, since they have a difficult time conveying their feelings.
6. They become defensive surrounding emotional intimacy
You may experience some rare moments where an emotionally unavailable person gives you a glimpse into their true feelings, but pushing to get them to open up more can backfire. "This is typically met with even more resistance and can result in greater defensiveness, rudeness or even anger," says Singer.
7. They won't be direct about their emotions
Typically, if an emotionally available person likes you, it will be clear to you. However, emotionally unavailable people will likely leave you feeling uncertain or confused on where you stand. "
Expressing how you feel about someone requires a certain degree of vulnerability, which is something an emotionally unavailable person typically has a difficult time with," says Zarrabi.
8. They make you feel like you're the problem
The way an emotionally unavailable person acts towards you can make you feel unwanted, frustrated, or "wrong," Singer says. For example, you may get vulnerable and open up to them about something deeply personal, and they might have no empathetic response, leaving you wondering if you're the problem.
"Wanting a deep, personal, trusting connection with our partners is perfectly normal and healthy," says Singer. However, this may not be something you can achieve with an emotionally unavailable person.
Be on the lookout for signs of emotional manipulation and abuse, such as if they use your insecurities against you, gaslight you, or guilt you. These red flags should be taken seriously, as a 2013 study proposed that emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse, since both can contribute to depression and low self-esteem.
Insider's takeaway
You can't change the ways of someone who is emotionally unavailable. Your partner needs to put the effort in themselves if they want to change and address their emotional wounds.
"It is possible for your partner to learn how to allow themselves to feel emotion. It will take time to break down the walls of what they've used to protect themselves in the past," says Singer. However, if they aren't willing to put in this work and meet you with dismissiveness, it might be time to reexamine the relationship.
10 Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable
We throw the term “emotionally unavailable” around pretty casually, but joking about someone being commitment-phobic, seemingly loveless, or allergic to feelings is only scratching the surface of what the term really means—and what it implies for the person in a one-sided relationship, dating someone who is, in fact, emotionally unavailable.
“It suggests that a person consciously or subconsciously creates a wall that prevents them from being intimate with another person,” explains Jill Sylvester, a mental health counselor and author of Trust Your Intuition: 100 Ways to Transform Anxiety and Depression for Stronger Mental Health.
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Basically, someone who’s emotionally unavailable isn’t willing or able to be vulnerable or hurt in any way, adds California-based marriage and family therapist Tess Bingham. “They can't show up for you in the way in which you want a potential partner to show up,” she says.
Where does that leave you? “The person on the other end of the relationship is often left feeling rejected and unloved,” says Sylvester. “You probably feel like something is missing, as if there’s a barrier to getting to know this person,” says Bingham.
Since that’s not ideal for many people, it’s important to be aware of the red flags an emotionally unavailable person exhibits. Here’s what to look for:
They’re, like, literally not available.
Call it what you will—ghosting, benching, breadcrumbing, zombie-ing—if you’re not sure whether you’re going to hear back from someone that day, a day later, a week later, or at all, that’s actually communicating a pretty clear message, says Bingham. “We're all busy, but someone who wants to be in a relationship with you will prioritize spending time together and will always get back to you, even if it's to say, ‘At work. Will text tonight or tomorrow,’” she explains. “If they can't be bothered to give you a heads up or be considerate enough to recognize you also have a busy life, they're not emotionally invested enough.”
Your feelings are invalidated.
“People who aren't in touch with their emotions are often doing a great deal of unconscious work to push aside big and difficult feelings,” explains Anna Hiatt Nicholaides, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist in Philadelphia, PA. So when someone they’re in a relationship with has an emotional reaction, they don’t handle it well.
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“Frequently, partners of emotionally unavailable people are told they’re ‘too sensitive’ or ‘being dramatic,’” she adds. “This can create a vicious cycle in the relationship where one person is pegged as the overly emotional one and the other is the rational and stable one—because, in reality, the ‘overly emotional' person is holding all the painful feelings for both partners.”
They play games.
The whole point of being in a relationship is leaving dating “games”—not texting right away, making vague plans—behind. But someone who’s emotionally unavailable keeps the games going continuously through the first months of dating or a relationship, says Katie Krimer, a licensed clinical social worker in New York, NY. “Playing games involves not being straight-forward in the beginning of getting to know someone,” she explains. “When you meet someone who isn't emotionally available, you may notice that their communication behaviors are inconsistent, they pick and choose when they answer you or don't, wait stretches of time before they text you back, hoping to keep you on the line—and all of these are red flags.”
And avoid conflict.
Conflict is a part of any healthy relationship: It’s totally necessary to work through disagreements and issues to grow. But “a person who is emotionally unavailable avoids any friction,” says Babita Spinelli, a psychotherapist in New York, NY. “This can manifest in a few ways: They may shy away from addressing issues, try to make light of everything, deflect by saying nothing is wrong, or act as if nothing even happened.” And that kind of emotional wall hinders establishing a meaningful connection.
Defensive is their middle name.
“People who are emotionally unavailable can be defensive and blame others for their problems,” says Meredith Prescott, a licensed clinical social worker in New York, NY. “It's easier for them to accuse you than to work together to solve the problem—they can't tolerate being vulnerable. Be wary of people who can't own their part in a conflict, because it may be a sign that they aren't willing to really connect with you.”
Be mindful of their body language.
This seems so obvious, but many people tend to overlook what’s right in front of them. “Tune in to body language,” says Lindsey Jernigan, Ph.D. licensed clinical psychologist in South Burlington, VT. “People unconsciously express our comfort or discomfort with connection through our posture, touch, and eye contact.
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When you’re sharing feelings or personal stories, does your partner face you and look at you? Do they reflect your facial expressions back to you? Do they spontaneously reach out to touch you in comforting ways, or in ways that express feelings of love and desire?” These skills come naturally to someone who’s comfortable with intimacy, but not to those who are emotionally unavailable.
They don’t respect your time.
One of the most critical ways to develop a relationship is through quality time spent together. So if someone isn’t making time for you, they probably don’t want to invest or aren’t capable of investing in a relationship. (And we're not just talking about a partner who likes to set healthy personal boundaries.) “This is someone who makes plans with you, but cancels last-minute because they either got another offer to do something, or claim they're too tired to spend time with you,” says Bingham. And even when you do meet, they’re uninterested in your stories, says Sylvester—chances are, they seem checked out, dismissive, distracted, or distant.
And they make you do the work.
Relationships are meant to be an equal partnership, with give and take and a lot of compromise. Someone who’s emotionally unavailable, though, doesn’t put you in the same slot on the priority list that you put them, says Sylvester. “How do you know this? You try too hard. You work too hard at the relationship, constantly making excuses as to why they're not giving to you what you give to them,” she says. “Trust your gut. If you don't feel like a priority, you might not be to this person.”
They seem selfish.
When you’re in a relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable, the relationship 100 percent revolves around them. “They don't consider your feelings, ask about your day, or wonder about your thoughts and dreams,” says Sylvester. “They brood on their own situations, expecting you to cater to their demands. Then, when they feel better they often move forward without asking you what you might need in return.” And you know what could happen while they do this? “You run the risk of discounting your own needs because you’re too busy tending to theirs,” she says.
Things are kept at a surface level.
At some point, a relationship has to go beyond the exchange of minutiae regarding how your day was, what’s on Netflix, and where to get dinner or drinks. But someone who’s emotionally available never gets too deep with you. “You ask about work and they tell you ‘it's fine’ or you ask about family and they say, ‘my parents are nice,’” says Bingham. “This isn't someone who’s looking for a meaningful connection; they want to keep everything very surface level so they, and you, don't get too attached.” One topic that’s totally avoided? The future.
So, what do you do if you’re dating someone who’s emotionally unavailable?
Unless you’re okay with being in a relationship with someone who isn’t fully there for you (and maybe you are! Sometimes, it’s nice to be with someone without commitment), then you might want to consider ending things.
If you’ve noticed any of these red flags in your partner, it’s time for a serious soul-searching. Sylvester says you should ask yourself:
- How long are you willing to deny yourself what you want and need?
- How long are you willing to let go of energy that is better served somewhere else?
- Why don't you think you are worth more than that? And if you do think you are worth more than that, then what are you waiting for?”
You might end up wondering if there’s some way you can change this person, if they can become more emotionally available. “It’s certainly worth having a conversation,” says Sylvester. “This gives an emotionally unavailable person the choice to do something different, if they're capable, and to become aware of the wall they are putting up, if it is a subconscious process, and to take the wall down if they choose.”
But, remember, you can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. “If someone is emotionally unavailable it's all on them to figure out what's going on and if they wish to change their behavior,” says Bingham.
And if they don’t or aren’t willing to change, you’re way better off putting your energy someplace else, or with someone else.
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As anyone with a pulse knows, feelings can be scary. But that goes tenfold for the emotionally unavailable peeps, who use excuses and aloofness to hide from authentic connection. As if dating today weren't hard enough, plucking out the emotionally unavailable from an already shrinking pool of available partners is just one more thing you have to deal with. Can't you catch a break?
What does being "emotionally unavailable" actually mean?
Feelings are overwhelming as is, but for someone who's emotionally unavailable, it’s a task and a half to even acknowledge what’s happening in their head. They shrink away from vulnerable moments that would otherwise create a real connection.
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"An emotionally unavailable person has a hard time receiving love and other deep emotions from others," says therapist Alyson Cohen, LCSW. It’s tough to understand "the feelings of others, because they can hardly understand their own." They’re not self-aware about how their aversion to intimacy affects a potential partner, either.
"Oftentimes, they can appear quite socially advanced, but more complex emotions that go beyond niceties are often lacking," Cohen says. It’s easy for them to push people away who tiptoe toward their emotional boundaries—which, btw, can be extreme. Meanwhile, on your side, it feels like something in the relationship is off, and you can’t quite find your footing.
But, an aversion to opening up isn’t always a bad sign. So if you hear "Let's take things slow," that's not necessarily a relationship death wish.
As you can imagine, what it comes down to is communication. The person who’s a little more guarded will be "considerate of the fact that their behavior might make someone else feel anxious," Cohen says. This person will talk to you about it, whereas the emotionally unavailable person won’t.
There are a few reasons someone might be emotionally unavailable, some of which are bigger red flags than others. Maybe they’re just not that into you, says Marni Feuerman, PsyD, marriage therapist and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart About Healthy Relationships. Or they’re going through a dramatic life transition (recent breakup, career change, etc.) and their emotions are hard to pin down.
However—and this is a big however—"if you find you are with someone who is willing to be in a relationship, but constantly puts up barriers to intimacy, then the cause may run deeper than a temporary situation," Feuerman says. Unaddressed childhood wounds and beliefs can undoubtedly bleed into their adult relationships (as do yours, btw).
For the emotionally unavailable, "the unconscious idea here is that if you can block feelings, you can also block out your pain," Cohen says. Too real? Try being on the other end of it, too. Neither is fun.
Dating today is hard—emotionally unavailable people are only one piece of it. Here's some help to navigate the rest:
Spotting an emotionally unavailable person isn’t as easy as it sounds, but experts have rounded up some potential warning signs that your person might not be ready for all that a committed relationship entails:
1. They haven’t been in serious relationships.
No, relationship history isn’t everything, but it can give a hint or two about what the future may look like. If a person has never been in a long-term, meaningful relationship, they might be incapable of it. "These partners will exit relationships before they are able to get more serious," Cohen says.
2. They don’t like talking about real sh*t.
As in, less talk about their latest Netflix obsession and more "Let’s talk about the work crisis ruining my life." An emotionally unavailable partner won’t seem engaged during these chats, even when you want their ear the most. If you can’t bond over the real conflicts in your life, you won’t be able to form an intimate connection.
3. They’re not affectionate (at least not consistently).
If your partner is emotionally evasive, your intimate life might be getting more mild by the day. Touch, compliments, and sex are all means to intimacy, which the emotionally unavailable person avoids.
On your side, "the partner yearning for emotional closeness may get turned off sexually if that effort isn’t made," Feuerman says. The result? "The relationship can feel more like a friendship or roommate situation." Not exactly romantic.
P.S. This applies for the sweet little gestures, too. Say you pick up their favorite Sweetgreen salad on your way home, to show them you're thinking of them and want to make them happy. They’ll eat the salad all right, but they won’t understand or fully appreciate the sentiment behind it.
4. They’re unavailable...literally.
Let’s go back to that text you sent hours ago. Still nada? Someone who is emotionally unavailable can be hard to get in contact with, and communication even via text can be spotty. It's intentional.
"Your partner is putting physical distance between the two of you, which can also mask their emotional distance," Cohen says. And if they say they’re busy all the time? Don’t even get me started on that excuse. Who isn’t busy?
5. They don’t respect your time.
A rain check for a dinner date once in a while is totally acceptable (even you have those days when you’d rather wrap up in a blanket solo), but someone who is emotionally unavailable tends to cancel All. The. Time. Not only are your plans botched, but it’s a way to cut down on quality time spent together.
6. They don’t introduce you to their friends.
If you’ve been seeing the same person for, oh, I don’t know, four months and you haven’t met their friends, it might be a sign that they don’t want to acknowledge the relationship. "They want to compartmentalize, and they’re not willing to make you part of their life," says Darlene Lancer, LMFT, author of Codependency for Dummies and Dealing with a Narcissist.
Now, this doesn’t really apply to familial situations (especially if they have children), Lancer adds. But, this can manifest in other ways, as well. Maybe they don’t invite you to a party or a work social event—throw up the red flag in those situations.
7. They think emotions are weak.
For the emotionally unavailable, people who wear their heart on their sleeves are easy to criticize and judge. This goes back to their avoidant attachment style, which is why they associate emotional needs with negativity. Uncomfortable with being serious, they might poke fun at you (cue: "You're so sensitive!") or try to lighten the mood when you start real talk. "They’re showing that vulnerability is a turnoff," says Cohen.
8. They misunderstand you.
"The emotionally unavailable partner can make someone with very healthy views of intimacy and closeness feel bad about their needs," Feuerman says. They may not even realize they're doing it (again, they're not good at reading emotions). Regardless, feeling misunderstood or dismissed can feel like a harsh rejection, not to mention extremely frustrating, especially when you're trying to handle things diplomatically. That’s the opposite of what you should feel in a relationship.
9. They seek perfection in themselves and their partners.
People who are emotionally unavailable will find any excuse to break things off, Lancer says. "They’re looking for an ideal. They’ll find something wrong with you and, a lot of the time, that’s used to create distance," she adds.
They’ll hone in on the smallest flaws and might even say "I like x, y and z about you, but I can’t get over this one thing about you." Whether that’s your job, a friend, or a habit that shouldn’t really matter, they'll find fault, says Lancer.
10. They call you "intense."
Say it with me: "My feelings are valid." Closed-off people can see those who express their emotions as really intense or over dramatic—and often will call you out on it so you second guess what you’re actually feeling. In reality, they struggle hardcore to be sympathetic.
This type of partner "deals with your feelings the same way they deal with theirs," says relationship therapist and owner of Modern Love Counseling, Alysha Jeney, LMFT. Read: shutting them down.
11. They’re defensive, okay?!
Considering an emotionally unavailable partner cannot, for the life of them, say how they truly feel, they automatically go on the defensive when they’re exposed. They often blame others, rather than recognizing and confronting the emotional fallout.
12. They pull away.
While you’re over here speaking your truth, your partner is over there running farther and farther away. The more you try to connect, the more they pull away, Feuerman says. "The push for closeness may feel uncomfortable or scary," she explains. In response, the emotionally unavailable person withdraws and says (or silently conveys, rather) "no comment" when talk of conflict or your future together comes up.
13. They don’t put the same effort into the relationship.
Equal partnership, who? The emotionally unavailable partner just can’t seem to get to the same place as you. "They anticipate being let down, so they don’t make the effort," Feuerman says. When that person stops putting energy into the relationship, the end is nigh, she adds.
Sooo...what are my next steps if I really, really like this person?
Here’s where it gets personal. It comes down to you to decide if it’s worth pursuing a relationship with someone who shows signs of being emotionally unavailable. Whatever your choice, proceed with caution.
"It was Maya Angelou who said, 'When people show you who they are, believe them,'" Cohen advises. "And in this scenario, I totally agree with that quote." Staying with someone who is emotionally unavailable could be a disaster—not quite the happily ever after you might be looking for, she says.
For the sake of your mental health, it’s important to remember that it's not up to you to change this person's ways. Again, while emotional unavailability could be a temporary result of one's current circumstances, many times, it can be traced back to long before they met you.
A one-sided relationship with someone who can’t support or love you in the way you deserve is exhausting. Not to mention, it could even toe the line of a specific type of emotional abuse, called gaslighting. If the person shows no signs of changing their habits, think of moving on as an act of self-care. It's tough to give up on someone you want, but it will be a lot less painful if you part ways early.
But, if your heart of hearts believes that your partner is struggling with opening up or being responsive to your emotions, then "they may just need help learning how to tolerate and understand feelings," Jeney says. There’s room to ask them questions that will help give you clarity on their hesitations and/or learn what affection means to them. Just remember to be gentle and patient, and try not to get all heated up.
With a concerted, mutual (keyword here) effort to progress—bonus points if your partner goes to therapy!—it’s possible to have a future together. "A person might be able to break down the walls of someone who has some willingness to slowly take out the bricks," Feuerman says. "It is ultimately up to them to become more emotionally accessible, present, and engaged."
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10 Signs You're Dating Someone Who's Emotionally Unavailable
DEAR DR. JENN,
The guy I am dating has the best sense of humor and always makes me laugh. We have so much fun together and the sex is amazing... but I have to admit that he can be inconsistent and evasive with making plans sometimes. It can also be really hard to get him to open up about anything beyond surface-level topics. My friends are warning me he's emotionally unavailable and that I should watch out. How can I know if he really is emotionally unavailable like they say, and not capable of a long-term relationship? —Playing with Fire
RELATED: 9 Signs of Emotional Abuse, According to a Relationship Expert
DEAR PLAYING WITH FIRE,
It sounds like you are forming an attachment to this guy but he is keeping you at a safe distance.
Sometimes people are inconsistent cause they are just not that into you but other times, they are just emotionally unavailable. This can happen because of childhood experiences ranging from trauma to more subtle issues that create difficulty trusting or attaching. Other times, this can occur because of unresolved issues from past relationships or losses.
Either way, dating someone who is emotionally unavailable — and the push and pull that comes with that — can really screw with your head. How do you recognize an emotionally unavailable partner? They are as follows.
1. They are inconsistent. Sometimes they call when they say they will and other times they ghost you. They act like the relationship is moving forward, but then it takes two steps back. You don't feel you can trust them to do what they says or to say what they really mean.
RELATED: 10 Signs Your Partner Is Cheating
2. They don't open up to you. They keep it superficial and when you try to go deeper, they get skittish or changes the subject. You don't know about their family, childhood, or past relationship beyond the surface details.
3. They are most drawn to you when you are unavailable. Sure, at the beginning of a relationship, there may be some game-playing but after a few months, people tend to move into a new phase where they see each other regularly. If your person doesn't start to be more consistent and seems most interested in you when you are unavailable, that is a red flag.
4. They are not over a previous loss. They still talk about their ex with too much passion. They lost their mother and can't even say her name cause they are so distraught. Their dream job blew up in his face. If they haven't worked through the pain and the loss, they are unlikely to be available. People get stuck in their grief and sadness which can prevent them from being open to a relationship.
5. They bolt when things get tough. When emotions come up or things get hard, they disappear. They can't tolerate big feelings, conflict, or needs. They go dark at the first sign of trouble.
RELATED: 15 Signs Your Partner Is Gaslighting You, According to a Relationship Expert
6. They don't integrate you into their life. You have never met their friends, family, or coworkers. You don't even know if they know you exist. They keep you at a distance. They don't want the people they are close with to get attached to you because they aren't sure you will be around in the future.
7. They have trust issues. They can't open up to you, be vulnerable, or tolerate closeness. They don't share private information and are secretive. They expect the worst of people and you are no exception.
8. They run from commitment. At a certain point in a relationship, people usually commit to taking the next step in the relationship, deepening their commitment to one another. People who are emotionally unavailable never get there. They may talk the talk or hint about future commitments, but they never get there.
9. Their relationship history lacks significant commitments. Depending on their age, they have no relationships that last more than 18 months, they were not committed to their ex-partners, or they have never been married. They played the field and romanticize it.
10. They are superficial. They keep the conversation shallow and their life is focused on the superficial. They care a lot about what other people think of them and are focused on what they have and how people look. They care less about creating bonds and connections than they do about looking good to others.
Dating someone who is emotionally unavailable can really mess with your mind. It can make you wonder what is wrong with you when the problem is really with the other person. The back and forth can make you feel highly emotional, needy, and desperate. These are warning signs, especially if you don't usually feel that way in your relationships. Take the time to explore your relationship patterns. If you have a tendency to pick unavailable partners, spend some time examining what it is about you and your history that draws you to them.
In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.
Things To Know Before You Date An Emotionally Unavailable Woman
I think we’ve all known that one woman: The one who couldn’t care less whether you like her or not. She’s just so cool – in fact, it’s like she’s made of ice.
While many women try on this persona as teenagers, a select few hang onto it and wear it throughout their lives. Being emotionally detached definitely has its fair share of perks, too – just ask anyone who’s ever been burned.
But if you’re trying to date this woman, you should know that all those little red flags probably mean stop right there – and she’s probably putting them out on purpose.
1. She’s never going to be the girl who looks through your phone or secretly installs a GPS tracker in your car.
Because she doesn’t care what you’re doing when you’re not with her.
2. It’ll take a lot of screwing up before you break her heart.
But she probably won’t stick around long enough to let you – she’ll be gone as soon as you start slipping.
3. Emotionally unavailable women don’t fall in love often.
But when they do, they fall really hard.
4. Be careful with those three little words.
Emotionally unavailable women need a great deal of time to admit their feelings – wait until she says it, or prepare to be met with awkward silence.
5. Be patient with her.
Chances are, she’s emotionally unavailable because she’s been hurt before.
6. Don’t be clingy.
Emotionally unavailable women hate clingers, and they can spot them right out of the gate. Don’t get dumped for trying to get too close.
7. They show affection differently.
She might not be comfortable with the touchy-feely stuff or with the cutesy pet names. Just because you don’t think you see her love, it’s still there, if you know where to look.
8. Try not to get too attached.
Emotionally unavailable women are the masters of bailing without notice – so she could be gone before you know it.
9. Try not to rush things.
If you try to force a commitment, she may very well end up running away. See #6.
10. She does have a heart.
She might have a reputation as a player, but that’s not true. She’s just careful with her heart, and won’t settle until she’s comfortable.
11. She might be a bit cynical.
But it’s better to keep your expectations low than to be disappointed – so that’s what she does.
12. She’s not trying to let someone change her.
So if your goal is to get her to open up, don’t bother. She’ll do it when she’s ready, and not a moment sooner.
13. She is incredibly confident and capable.
She’s with you because she wants to be with you – not because she expects to get something out of it.
14. She’s not sentimental. At all.
She won’t understand why you care about half the things you care ab0ut, and if you expect her to cry when you two break up… Well, she probably won’t. (At least not where you can see.)
15. But she loves you a lot more than she’ll ever let you know.
Just because she doesn’t tell you (or even show you) how much she cares doesn’t mean she doesn’t care at all. She’s just afraid of having her heart broken – so she keeps it hidden. Rest assured, though – when you’re with an emotionally unavailable woman, you can take comfort in knowing that – if she didn’t want to be with you – she’d already be gone.
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20 Signs of Emotionally Unavailable Women and How to Deal With It
One of many people’s expectations before entering a relationship is finding a partner who resonates on a similar emotional frequency. However, it can be painful having a partner that is not emotionally available at critical times. Usually, you will notice it after spending some time with them in the relationship.
This is the period when your love and commitment are tested, and you will realize that your partner is emotionally unavailable. In this article, we will be looking at the signs of an emotionally unavailable woman, their needs, and how to make them happy.
Hannah Saunders and other brilliant authors take a deep dive into the theory, research, and intervention of emotional availability. If you are looking for an exhaustive explanation on emotional availability, here you go!
Related Reading: 10 Signs You Have an Emotionally Unavailable PartnerWhat is the meaning of emotionally unavailable women?
Emotionally unavailable women are not open to reveal their emotions and feelings. They are usually unpredictable and difficult to understand because they are either unclear or confused about how they truly feel.
It is nearly impossible for an emotionally unavailable woman to feel empathy or understand your pain because they struggle to accommodate theirs. Hence, they think of a relationship as a chore instead of a romantic commitment.
If she’s emotionally unavailable, it means that she needs to work on some aspects of personal development to make her a better spouse.
What are the needs of an emotionally unavailable woman?
One of the primary needs of an emotionally unavailable woman is, she does not want to be bothered by any of your problems.
For instance, if you face any problem at work, when you are dating an emotionally unavailable woman, don’t expect any support because they will be too busy with themselves.
Also, a woman emotionally unavailable most times wants to be left alone in their world. They will only come out of their emotional shell when convenient for them.
What are the traits of an emotionally unavailable woman
If you love an emotionally unavailable woman, you need to know her traits to keep the relationship. It is crucial to know that the behavior of an emotionally unavailable woman is not due to the relationship.
One of the traits of an emotionally unavailable woman is she does not like having conversations.
The few times she does, her response will be vague. Another sign that she is emotionally unavailable is her unwillingness to compromise. She will always stand on her point without considering if it is comfortable for you or not.
Also Try: Am I Emotionally Unavailable Quiz
20 clear signs of emotionally unavailable women
Are you wondering what the signs of an emotionally unavailable woman are? Here are some evident traits that show you that she is emotionally unavailable.
After reading through, you will be more guided on how to help her through her condition for your relationship to be more successful.
She does not want to know you more
One of the obvious signs of an emotionally unavailable woman is her unwillingness to get to know you. Usually, the reason is, she does not want to reveal herself to you. If she has been in past relationships, her experience must have forced her to be uptight.
Therefore, it is like a defense mechanism to her, and she cannot help it. However, if you put more pressure by showing her love and affection, she will be interested in knowing you more and opening up to you.
Related Reading: 13 Easy Ways to Show Your Affection in a RelationshipShe is available when she feels like
It is difficult to force an emotionally unavailable woman to have time for you unless she feels like it. She does not see the importance, so she would rather face her engagements instead of attending to you.
One of the signs of an emotionally unavailable woman is her inability to care about her feelings, so she does not do it for others.
She always wants your attention
If you call an emotionally unavailable woman a narcissist, you might not be far from the truth.
Such women do not see the need to give you their attention, but they always want yours. If you are busy and don’t spend time with them like before, they could get angry. All she wants is to leave what you are doing and attend to her.
She doesn’t want commitments
Many emotionally unavailable women are afraid of commitment because of childhood trauma or past relationships. Some of her previous romantic relationships have not been successful, so she is afraid of trying again.
Related Reading: 15 Signs of Commitment Issues and How to Overcome ThemGuilt-tripping you is one of the signs of an emotionally unavailable woman. When she makes a mistake, she will not admit it. Instead, she will find a way to pin it on you. If you conflict with her, she will paint you as the oppressor while playing the victim card.
There are chances that she has encountered some heartbreaks in her previous relationship, so she is trying all she can to avoid it.
Related Reading: Guilt Tripping in Relationships: Signs, Causes, and How to Deal With ItHer career is the most important thing in her life
For everyone, our career is probably on our priority list alongside other aspects of our lives. However, the case is different for an emotionally unavailable woman. One of the telltale signs that she is not available emotionally is when she places her career way above the relationship.
Her career or business matters the most to her, and no one can take that spot.
Her expression of love is vague
One of the signs of an emotionally unavailable woman is cryptically displaying love. You would have to unravel what she meant before realizing that she is expressing love to you. It can be draining, especially if you show her love plainly without beating about the bush.
Related Reading: How to Express Deep Love for SomeoneShe doesn’t know how to communicate
An emotionally unavailable woman will always find it difficult to communicate her feelings and emotions.
When there are conflicts, she would rather avoid or overblow the issue instead of tackling the root problem. Their inability to communicate could also suggest that they are not interested in you.
Related Reading: Top 10 Causes of Relationship Communication ProblemsShe doesn’t like confrontation
One of the signs of an emotionally unavailable woman is she avoids confrontation by all means. She sees serious conversations as potential arguments, and she tries everything within her power to stop the discussion.
When you notice this habit, it suggests that she does not have the quality to be a lifelong relationship partner.
She still has feelings for her ex
Have you noticed that your woman is still in touch with her ex, and she doesn’t mind going out with the person?
This means that she finds it difficult to move on because her heart is still with someone else. You can confirm this for yourself by being extra attentive when she mentions her ex-partner.
Here’s a video that shows you signs that she may be messing around:
She feels you don’t deserve her
Some emotionally unavailable women usually reveal how they are so underrated. Hence, you will hear them making statements like “you don’t deserve me,” “you don’t know my worth,” etc. Such ladies will have boasted about her past and her current suitors.
She will make you feel bad about yourself, and gradually, your worth in the relationship begins to decline if you take her words to heart.
An emotionally unavailable woman has little or no control over expressing her emotions. She cannot manage her emotions which is why she gets angry easily.
When she is calm after the outburst, she will see no reason to apologize to you for the harsh words she used. If you request an apology, it might lead to another conflict.
Related Reading: How to Deal With an Angry PartnerShe tries to exert control
One of the most apparent signs of an emotionally unavailable woman is how she tries to control you all the time.
People who like to control others have low self-esteem, which is responsible for this unhealthy behavior. So, you might find her making decisions even when they are not ideal.
She evades your questions
Anytime you ask an emotionally unavailable woman questions, she doesn’t like answering them. She knows that she will divulge much about her past if she attempts to answer.
There are chances that she has something to hide, so she avoids your question by changing the topic. If she eventually bows to your pressure, she will share little about her past life and leave out the crucial details.
She doesn’t want you to have a relationship with her family and friends
An emotionally unavailable woman will discourage any attempt at establishing a relationship with her family and friends. She will ensure that you don’t meet with her family and friends, and she will sever any coincidental connection.
An emotionally unavailable woman understands that she will need to be more committed when you are close to her family and friends.
She does not want a relationship with your loved ones
Just as she does not want you to be close with her family and friends, she does not crave a close relationship with your loved ones.
Since she cannot maintain a close relationship with you, it would be nearly impossible to have a tight bond with anyone else. She will frustrate any attempt to make her relationship with your loved ones.
She does not want your relationship to be public knowledge
One of the emotionally unavailable woman traits to check for is, she prefers to keep the relationship private. She might not want to feel additional pressure from the public that comes with many questions.
Therefore, she will keep the relationship out of her social circles. More so, she will suggest you do the same because she doesn’t want anyone to know.
Related Reading: Having a Secret Relationship – Is It Even Worth It?Her vibes are not consistent
One minute she wants to play with and disturb you. The next minute she does not want anyone to disturb her, and she would snap if you tried to force yourself on her.
Someone emotionally unavailable has inconsistent vibes and enthusiasm. So, you cannot rely on them to have a happy day because you are not sure how she is feeling.
One of the signs of an emotionally unavailable woman is she is addicted. Hence, she will pay more attention to her addiction instead of relationships. An emotionally unavailable woman might be addicted to drugs, alcohol, the internet, gaming, sex, etc.
She is seeing someone else
An emotionally unavailable woman will have little or no time for you if she has feelings for someone else. Whenever she is bored with her second relationship, she will give you little energy and attention. However, do not think she will give you the full love and affection you deserve.
Marian Lindner’s book titled The Emotionally Available Partner shows you other signs you should watch out for and how you can make the relationship work out.
Also Try: Quiz: Is She Seeing Someone Else?How to make an emotionally unavailable woman happy
If you are wondering how to make an emotionally unavailable woman happy, you should be ready to put in the work. Having recognized the signs, you now have a better understanding of her character and needs, so you don’t need to push them.
Emotionally unavailable women usually try to put up a wall so that they will frustrate you to stop loving them. However, show her love without expecting it in return. When she gets angry at you for no reason, do not react.
You can also help her seek help by seeing a mental health counselor uncover the root cause of her problem and suggest ways to live peaceably and lovingly.
Stella Smith’s book titled The Cure for Emotional Unavailability explores how spouses can have a positive and prosperous relationship.
Conclusion
The signs of an emotionally unavailable woman are not entirely hard to spot. With the traits mentioned in this article, you can have a sound idea if your woman is emotionally available or not.
Dating an emotionally available woman can be tedious, but you can turn things around by helping her find a lasting solution by seeing a therapist for all-inclusive help.
References
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4516809/https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263047278_Childhood_trauma_and_couple_relationshipshttps://www.researchgate.net/publication/247787851_Communications_to_Self_and_Others_Emotional_Experience_and_its_Skillshttps://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Available-Partner-Journey-True-ebook/dp/B005BZKTSChttps://www.amazon.com/Cure-Emotional-Unavailability-unavailability-relationships/dp/1723040444
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Rachael PaceExpert Blogger
Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together.
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