Q: I’m in my early-40s, still single. I’ve never been married, had kids or been in a relationship.

I feel sadness and despair, grieving the love and family I’ve never had.

Is it too late to find love? Am I too old to find a partner?

I don’t know what to do.

A: Your own “clues” inform my answer:

You’re only starting early mid-life yet you’re already grieving as if there’s no chance for positive change.

And you’ve thrown up your hands, without any ideas on how to try to meet people, seek those with common interests, try something completely new for fun and expanding your circle, etc.

Yet there’s hope ahead in having so much groundwork to cover. But YOU have to get motivated to do it.

I recommend counselling with a therapist (online is common during the pandemic) who helps you see yourself still in progress.

Even small steps — like joining a virtual book club or art-study group or (you name the interest) can boost your self-confidence if you stick with it.

It means putting yourself out there, being friendly, sharing ideas.

That’s how meeting people starts. Some leads to dating, some to relationships. But nothing happens if you don’t try.

Answer — No! It’s never too late!

Q: My friend has young daughters ages eight and six, whose beloved “pets” are playful gerbils.

My friend’s been in a two-year, on-off relationship with a man who also has children.

Tired of the uncertainty, she decided to take her daughters to her parents’ cottage for the weekend, instead of relying on the uncertain possibility she’d be seeing this man.

She told him her plans and asked if he’d please look after the gerbils for the two days. He agreed.

When she returned, he said his own children had taken a liking to the gerbils. He refused to return them.

My friend’s outraged. Her children are crying. What should she do?

A: She should break up with this man, he’s mean-spirited.

His “on-off” attitude to the relationship also extends to his respect for her. He has no right to keep her children’s pets but is acting as if his entitlement to do whatever he wants comes first.

As for taking action to retrieve the gerbils, she should walk into her local police station (instead of tying up police call-lines) with a screenshot of her daughters and their gerbils and ask what they recommend that she or they do to get their pets back.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the divorced father who’s ordered his daughter to bar her stepfather from her wedding or he won’t attend, Oct. 24.

Reader: When I got engaged, my own father announced his refusal to attend my wedding if my mother would be present.

My parents divorced when I was 10, both were remarried. I told my father that I was sorry that he couldn’t.

Six months before the wedding he changed his mind and walked me down the aisle. We sat my grandparents between both couples to keep things civil.

It’s now up to this daughter to set the rules, even it means that the father decides not to contribute to the wedding.

She needs to be sensitive to everyone’s feelings on her wedding day, but she also needs to consider what she wants for her future family.

I invited everyone when we had family birthday parties for our twins. Both couples attended and were civil to each other and continue to attend all family functions.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Giving upon yourself is what makes it harder to find love and a relationship partner.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.

Amid growing debates about the impact of smartphones and social media on romantic relationships, a Pew Research Center survey conducted in October 2019 finds that many Americans encounter some tech-related struggles with their significant others.

For instance, among partnered adults in the U.S. – that is, those who are married, cohabiting or in a committed relationship, roughly half (51%) say their partner is often or sometimes distracted by their cellphone while they are trying to have a conversation with them, and four-in-ten say they are at least sometimes bothered by the amount of time their partner spends on their mobile device.

Partnered adults under the age of 50 are particularly likely to express the feeling that their partner is distracted by their phone, with those ages 30 to 49 most likely to report this. Fully 62% of 30- to 49-year-olds and 52% of 18-to 29-year-olds who are in a romantic relationship say their partner is at least sometimes distracted by their phone when they’re trying to talk them. Still, this issue is not confined to younger age groups: 41% of partnered Americans ages 50 and older say they have encountered this in their relationship at least sometimes.

With phones being such a distraction, people might be tempted to look through their partner’s phone. However, there is widespread agreement among the public that digital snooping in couples is unacceptable. Seven-in-ten Americans – regardless of whether they are in a relationship – say it is rarely or never acceptable for someone to look through their partner’s cellphone without that person’s knowledge. Still, 34% of partnered adults say they have looked through their partner’s cellphone without that person’s knowledge, with women being more likely than men to say they have done this (42% vs. 25%).

For many adults, social media plays a role in the way they navigate and share information about their romantic relationships. Roughly eight-in-ten social media users (81%) report that they at least sometimes see others posting about their relationships, including 46% who say this happens often, but few say that seeing these posts affects how they feel about their own love life.

Moreover, social media has become a place where some users discuss relationships and investigate old ones. Roughly half of social media users (53%) say they have used these platforms to check up on someone they used to date or be in a relationship with, while 28% say they have used social media to share or discuss things about their relationship or dating life. For adult users under the age of 30, those shares who have used social media to checked-up on a former partner (70%) or posted about their own love life (48%) are even higher.

But social media can also be a source of annoyance and conflict for some couples. Among those whose partner uses social media, 23% say they have felt jealous or unsure of their relationship because of the way their current partner interacts with others on these sites, and this share rises to 34% among those ages 18 to 29.

Still, some users view these platforms as an important venue for showing love and affection. This is especially true for younger users who are partnered: 48% of 18- to 29-year-old social media users say social media is very or somewhat important for them in showing how much they care about their partner.

These are some of the main findings from a nationally representative survey of 4,860 U.S. adults conducted online Oct. 16 to 28, 2019, using Pew Research Center’s American Trend Panel.

40% of partnered adults say they are bothered by the amount of time their partner spends on their cellphone

At the time of the survey, four-in-ten Americans who are married, living with a partner or who are in a committed relationship say they are often or sometimes bothered by the amount of time their partner spends on their cellphone, including 12% who say they feel this way often.

In addition, 24% of partnered Americans report that they are at least sometimes bothered by the amount of time their partner spends on social media, while a somewhat smaller share (15%) say they feel this way about their partner playing video games.

There are certain groups who are more likely to express annoyance over their partner’s digital activities than others. Among partnered adults, women are more likely than men to say they are often bothered by the amount of time their partner spends on their cellphone (16% vs. 8%) or playing video games (7% vs. 3%).

Beyond gender differences, people’s attitudes also vary by age. Some 18% of partnered adults ages 18 to 49 say they are often bothered by the amount of time their partner spends on their phone, compared with 6% of those ages 50 and older. Younger adults in romantic relationships also are more likely than their older counterparts to say they are often bothered by the amount of time their partner spends on social media (11% vs. 4%) and playing video games (7% vs. 3%).

Roughly half of partnered people say their significant other is distracted by their phone at least sometimes when they try to talk to them

While relatively few Americans are familiar with the term “phubbing” – which is the practice of snubbing others in favor of their cellphones – notable shares say they have encountered that behavior in their romantic relationships.

When asked to reflect on their partner’s cellphone use, 51% of Americans in a romantic relationship say their partner is at least sometimes distracted by their cellphone when they are trying to have a conversation with them, including 16% who say their significant other is often distracted by their mobile device.

This pattern differs by age: Roughly six-in-ten partnered adults ages 30 to 49 say their significant other is at least sometimes distracted by their cellphone when they are trying to hold a conversation with them, compared with 52% of those ages 18 to 29 and even smaller shares for those ages 50 and older (41%). Among those in relationships, younger adults also are more likely than older adults to assert that their partner is often distracted by their phone when they are trying to have a discussion (20% vs. 10%).

Women who are in a relationship are more likely than men to say their partner is often distracted by their phone while they are trying to hold a conversation, but this gender difference is most pronounced among younger adults. Three-in-ten partnered women ages 18 to 29 say their significant other is often distracted by their phone while they are trying to hold a conversation, compared with 15% of men in this age group who say this.

About one-in-three partnered adults say they have looked through their current spouse or partner’s phone without their knowledge, but there’s strong public consensus this is unacceptable

Americans – regardless of whether they are in a relationship – were asked in the survey about their views about some issues related to technology and relationships. For example, they weighed in on the acceptability of looking through a significant other’s phone without that person’s knowledge. Seven-in-ten U.S. adults say it is rarely (28%) or never (42%) acceptable to look through a significant other’s cellphone without their knowledge. Smaller shares – about three-in-ten (29%) – view this behavior as at least sometimes acceptable.

Majorities across major demographic groups view these actions as unacceptable, but there are some Americans who are more accepting of this behavior than others.

Women are more likely than men to think it is at least sometimes acceptable for someone to look through their partner’s cellphone without their knowledge (35% vs. 24%). And about one-third of adults under the age of 65 (33%) view this as acceptable, compared with 16% of those 65 and older.

Americans’ views on the acceptability of looking through a partner’s phone varies by current relationship status. Americans who are married or cohabiting are more likely than those who are single or in a committed relationship to say that looking through a significant other’s phone without that person’s knowledge is sometimes or always acceptable.

Despite the overall public uneasiness with this type of digital snooping, there are some Americans who report that they have looked through their significant other’s phone without that person’s knowledge. Roughly one-third of partnered adults (34%) say they have done this, but there are substantial differences by gender, age and relationship status when it comes to looking through a significant other’s phone.

Among adults who are partnered, women are far more likely than men to report that they have looked through their current partner’s phone without that person’s knowledge (42% vs. 25%). And while 52% of partnered adults ages 18 to 29 say they have done this, those shares are 41% among those ages 30 to 49, 29% among those ages 50 to 64 and 13% among those 65 and older.

These actions also vary by the type of relationship. Roughly four-in-ten Americans (41%) who are living with a partner report that they have looked through their current partner’s phone without that person’s knowledge, compared with 27% of those who are in committed relationship and 34% of those who are married. However, this pattern is largely due age differences in relationship status, as twice as many adults under 50 live with a partner than do those 50 and older. While 48% cohabiters under 50 report having gone through their partner’s phone without that person’s knowledge, only 18% of cohabiters ages 50 and older say the same.

There also are some differences by race and ethnicity. About half of Hispanic adults who are in a relationship say they have looked through their partner’s phone, compared with a third among their black or white counterparts.

Those in partnered relationships also are more likely to look through their partner’s cellphone without that person’s knowledge if they think it is acceptable to do so (61% say they have done this). Smaller shares of partnered adults who deem this unacceptable say they have personally gone through their current partner’s phone – though still about one-in-five say they have done this.

It is fairly common for partners to share the password or passcode to their cellphone

Overall, sharing passwords to digital devices or accounts is a fairly common practice in romantic relationships. In the October 2019 survey, a majority of Americans who are married, cohabiting or in a committed relationship say they have given their spouse or partner the password for their cellphone (75%), their email account (62%) or any of their social media accounts (42%).

Still, experiences do vary depending on the type of relationship partnered people have. Married or cohabiting adults are much more likely to share their cellphone or social media passwords with their partner than those who are in a committed relationship but are not living with their partner. Roughly three-quarters or more of married adults (79%) or those who live with a partner (74%) say they have given their partner the password to their cellphone, compared with 58% of those who are in a committed relationship. A similar pattern is present among partnered social media users when they are asked about whether they have shared their login information for any of their social media accounts. When it comes to email password sharing, married adults are the most likely group to say they have given their email password to their partner: 70% say this, compared with 50% of cohabiting internet users and just 22% of those in a committed relationship.

There also are some differences by age. Among partnered adults, those ages 18 to 49 are more likely than those ages 50 and older to say they have given their cellphone password to their spouse or partner (81% vs. 69%). On the other hand, older adults are more likely than younger adults to say they have shared their email password with their significant other (70% vs. 59%).

Most social media users see other people post about their relationship or dating life, but relatively few say these posts affect how they feel about their own relationship

This survey conducted last fall also examined how social media might be affecting the way people think about their own love lives. More specifically, does seeing relationship posts on social media affect the way people think about their own relationships?

Overall, eight-in-ten social media users see others post about their relationship on social media often or sometimes. This differs by both age and gender. Women are slightly more likely than men to see these posts (84% vs. 77%). In addition, 90% of social media users ages 18 to 49 say they see these types of post at least sometimes, compared with 68% of those ages 50 and older.

A majority of social media users who are in a relationship (81%) say they see posts about other people’s relationships when using social media. Among these partnered social media users, 78% of those who are married say they at least sometimes see posts about other people’s relationships, compared with 89% of those who are living with partner and 86% of those in a committed relationship.

Overall, seeing these posts appears to have little effect on how people view their own romantic relationships. A large majority of partnered adults (81%) who at least sometimes see posts about other people’s relationships say that these posts have not made much of difference in how they feel about their own relationship. On the other hand, relatively few say these posts make them feel better (9%) or worse (9%) about their relationship.

When it comes to social media users who are single and looking, 87% see other people making posts about their relationships on social media platforms at least sometimes. Social media users who are single and not looking for a relationship or dates are less likely to report seeing these types of posts at least sometimes (78%).

A third of the social media users who are single and looking and who say they see others’ posts about their love life say that seeing these posts makes them feel worse. This compares with 62% who report that such posts by others do not make much of a difference in how they feel about their own dating life. Just 4% say it makes them feel better.

These relationship-focused posts tend to have a bigger impact on women than men. Among social media users who are single and looking, women who see relationships posts at least sometimes are more likely to report that seeing these posts on social media makes them feel worse about their dating lives than are their male counterparts (40% vs. 28%).

About three-in-ten social media users say they have discussed their love life on social media

While it is fairly common for social media users to come across other people posting things about their love lives, only a minority of Americans who use these platforms (28%) say they have ever shared or discussed things about their relationship or dating life. About four-in-ten adults who are living with their partner (39%) and nearly half of those in a committed relationship (48%) but not living together say they have ever posted about their relationship on social media. Conversely, married and single adults are the least likely to post about their love lives (24% and 26%, respectively).

About four-in-ten social media users who are either Hispanic or lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) say they have ever posted about their dating life or relationship on social media, while around one-quarter of white, black and straight social media users say the same.

Younger social media users also are more likely to have posted about their love lives on social media previously. While about half of social media users ages 18 to 29 have ever posted on social media about their dating life or relationship, a third of 30- to 49-year-olds say the same. By comparison, far fewer social media users ages 50 and older (11%) say they ever post about their relationship or dating life.

Roughly half of social media users have used these sites to check up on an ex-romantic partner

Using social media to check up on former romantic partners is a fairly common practice among social media users. About half of social media users (53%) say they have used these sites to check up on someone with whom they were in a relationship or whom they used to date.

Social media users ages 18 to 49 are far more likely than those ages 50 and older to report using social media to check up on an ex-romantic partner. Seven-in-ten 18- to 29-year-olds report that they have used these platforms to check up on someone they used to date or be in a relationship with. That share is lower – though still a majority – among users ages 30 to 49 and falls sharply among those ages and 50 and older.

There also are some notable differences, depending on a person’s relationship status. About two-thirds each of social media users who are cohabiting or in a committed relationship say they have used social media to check up on someone they used to date. Meanwhile, 56% of single people, and even fewer married people (45%), say the same. In addition, social media users who have a high school degree or less education are less likely to report that they have used to social media to check up on an ex-romantic partner than those with a bachelor’s or advanced degree or who have some college experience.

Younger Americans in relationships are especially likely to view social media as having an important role in connecting and keeping up with their partner

Overall, about three-in-ten partnered adults who use social media say that these sites are at least somewhat important in showing how much they care about their partner (33%) or keeping up with what is going on in their partner’s life (28%). But the level of importance that these users place on social media varies substantially by age. Among partnered social media users, 48% of 18- to 29-year-olds say these platforms are very or somewhat important in how they show how much they care about their partner, compared with 28% of those ages 30 and older who say this.

There also are age differences when it comes to the importance social media users place on these platforms for keeping up with their significant other’s life. About four-in-ten partnered users ages 18 to 29 say social media is somewhat or very important when it comes to keeping up with what’s going on in their partner’s life, compared with 29% of those ages 30 to 49 and only 17% of those ages 50 and older.

Married social media users are more likely than those who are cohabiting or in a committed relationship to say they do not see social media as important for keeping up with what’s going on in their partner’s life or for showing how much they care about their partner.

The level of importance that partnered adults place on social media also varies by race and ethnicity as well as by sexual orientation. Nonwhite social media users are more likely than white users to say these platforms are a very or somewhat important for keeping up with their partner’s life and showing how much they care. Among partnered social media users, LGB adults are more likely than those who are straight to say social media is at least somewhat important for keeping up with their partner’s life or showing how much they care.

Even when controlling for age, racial and ethnic differences persist when it comes to the likelihood of saying social media is a personally important way to keep up with one’s partner or show how much they care. Similarly, marital status and sexual orientation are significant predictors of how important it is for people to use social media to keep up with one’s partner, even after controlling for age differences.

Social media can be a source of jealousy and uncertainty in relationships – especially for younger adults

Even as younger Americans value social media as a place to share how much they care about their partner or to keep up with what’s going on in their partner’s life, they also acknowledge some of the downsides that these sites can have on relationships.

Overall, 23% of partnered adults whose significant other uses social media say they have felt jealous or unsure about their relationship because of the way their current spouse or partner interacts with other people on social media. But this share is even higher among those in younger age groups.

Among partnered adults whose significant other uses social media, 34% of 18- to 29-year-olds and 26% of those ages 30 to 49 say they have felt jealous or unsure in their current relationship because of how their partner interacted with others on social media, compared with 19% of those ages 50 to 64 who say this and 4% of those ages 65 and up. Nearly four-in-ten unmarried adults with partners who are social media users (37%) say they have felt this way about their current partner, while only 17% of married people say the same.

Women also are more likely to express displeasure with how their significant other interacts with others on social media. Women who say their partner uses social media are more likely than men to say they have felt jealous or unsure of their relationships because of how their partner interacts with others on social media (29% vs. 17%).

Among those whose partner uses social media, about three-in-ten nonwhite adults who are in a relationship report having felt jealous or uncertain in their current relationship based on their partner’s social media interactions, compared with 19% of white adults who say the same. About one-third of LGB partnered adults whose significant other uses social media report that they have felt jealous or unsure in their current relationship because of how their partner interacted with others on social media, while 22% of straight people say this. College graduates are less likely to report having felt this way than those with some college experience or a high school degree or less.

Finding love can happen at any time of life but dating in your 40s can be an entirely different experience to dating in your early 20s.

egardless of what age you are, it’s hard to beat that frisson of excitement when you go on a first date or when you find yourself falling for someone new. However, it can sometimes seem harder to meet someone special once you’re in your 40s or older.

You’re no longer enjoying college nights out where most people are single, your circle of friends tends to be more established, and there may not be as many opportunities to get out and about due to work or family commitments.

That’s where online dating comes in. Online dating is now the norm for everyone from teens to the more mature dater. If you haven’t already tried it, here’s why it could be for you if you’re looking for love.

1. You have a better understanding of your needs

Once you reach your 40s and beyond, you have a better idea of what you want from a romantic connection. The chances are that you’ve been in a relationship before, know what you do and don’t want in a partner, and have a better understanding of your romantic needs.

There’s a lot to be said for experience! Knowing what you do/don’t want makes it easier to separate the wheat from the chaff and focus on finding genuine prospects. Online dating now makes it easier than ever to find the right person for you.

Depending on what site you use, you can adapt your search to filter your potential dates by age, interests or compatibility. It’s a simple way to narrow the field and focus your search on people who tick all the boxes.

2. You can see if you’re a match before you even meet

One of the advantages of online dating is that you can find out a lot about the other person from the comfort of your own couch. You can see whether you and your potential date are a match, share interests, or have the same sense of humour without having to commit to a physical date.

It’s also a good way to get back into the swing of things if you’re coming out of a long-term relationship or if your flirting skills are a bit rusty.

The power is in your hands. You can decide how quickly you want things to move, there’s no pressure and you can take the time to chat online and get to know each other before arranging a first date. Making a connection before you meet also increases the chances of you both hitting it off once you do meet up.

3. You’re not limited to your immediate circle of friends and their friends

If you’re over 40 and single, you’ll often find your friends will try and set you up with people they know. They mean well but the reality is that your friends are going to know less and less eligible singletons as they get older. Plus, you probably share a similar social circle to many of your close friends so it’s not like it was when you were in your 20s.

You could take a chance on whatever single friends they may have or you could actively search for your dream date. Online dating puts your romantic destiny back into your own hands and lets you reclaim control over your love life.

4.  Online dating fixes the odds in your favour

You might like the idea of meeting someone organically on a night out. Your eyes meet across a bar, you brush against each other and you realise that you’re both single and that you share common interests, passions and hobbies. We’re not saying it won’t happen but, statistically speaking, there are probably better ways to find Mr or Mrs Right.

Online dating lets you fix the odds in your favour. It’s like fishing in a lake that’s been stocked with your favourite type of fish. You can choose people in your own age range, look for someone who’s lifestyle and personality is compatible with yours, and even sign up to sites that offer matchmaker services to help you find a perfect match. 

5. You can choose a platform that reflects your values or needs 

There are all sorts of dating sites out there to suit all sorts of people. Some use advanced technology to help you meet your match. For instance, be2 is a site that matches compatible singles based on psychological and social criteria.

If you want to meet professionals and go-getters, EliteSingles is a premium site where 80pc of members hold a bachelor’s degree or higher. It even uses advanced matchmaking algorithms and personality tests to help you find the perfect mate.

Singles looking for a more mature dating environment can try Singles50, which caters for an over 50s community looking to find a real relationship. If your faith is central to your life, you’re probably looking for someone who shares your beliefs and values. Christian Mingle is one of the largest Christian dating sites in the world and it’s dedicated to Christian singles who want to find someone with the same faith and values.

Regardless of what you’re looking for, signing up to an online dating site can help you to find the perfect person and open you up to a whole new word of romantic possibilities.

Dating over 40 doesn’t need to be daunting. Whatever your preference is, pick the platform that suits you, get out there and reclaim your love life, over 40 and beyond!

Start your journey now on I ndependent Dating Review.

Sponsored by:

When you're dating in your 40s, you might be looking for a first-time forever match, or maybe you're reentering the scene after a divorce or other hiatus. Maybe you already have your own kids—solo, or with a co-parent—or maybe you still want them… or maybe you don't. But whatever the specs of your dating life are, you'll likely find that there are particular challenges involved with dating over 40. From hangups and baggage to sex and technology, here, therapists, relationship coaches, couples counselors, and more explain why dating is so much harder in your 40s.

When you're in your 40s, you know what you like and what you don't like. And it can be harder than it was when you were younger to adapt and welcome a new relationship into your life, with all of the inherent compromise that comes with it.

"Dating is more difficult in your 40s because your life is usually more settled, and doing new things doesn't come as easily as it did in your earlier years," says psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, author of The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty.

Maybe you're dating in your 40s after a divorce—or even if not, you'll likely encounter other divorcees in the dating pool at this stage of life. And that can be a complicating factor.

"The experience of divorce and where you are in the process of getting over one can impact how jaded or emotionally unprepared you feel about the process of getting back out into the dating world," says Dana McNeil, LMFT, founder of group practice The Relationship Place. "Some people start dating right away after divorce or separation. When this happens, it is likely they haven't taken adequate time to process how the divorce impacted them emotionally. … Finding out how long a potential partner has been single is an important consideration before commitment."

There are many ways kids can complicate dating in your 40s. "Children can play into the equation heavily at this age," says career and relationship coachJulieanne O'Connor. "Often people already have children, or don't yet have children and sometimes feel rushed to do so. And there's the consideration of raising someone else's children."

For divorced parents dating in their 40s, kids are still very much a part of their daily lives. Family and relationship psychotherapistFran Walfish, PsyD, notes that "dating in your 40s is so much harder because most divorced people in their 40s still have growing children living at home."

Dating in your 40s can bring to light an uncomfortable disparity: No matter their own ages, men and women may be looking for partners of different ages. Sometimes that's merely a matter of vanity (i.e. "I want to date someone younger and have a trophy on my arm").

Other times, that uncomfortable reality comes about as a result of the kid factor, too. "[Some] women over the age of 40 are not interested in having more kids. However, there are a lot of men in their 40s who are very interested in having children. As a result, there tends to be a lot of men in their 40s who are looking for women in their 30s," says professional dating profile writerEric Resnick. "This can leave the women in their 40s with the feeling that the men in their age group are superficial and have unrealistic expectations."

In your 20s and 30s, you may have regularly gone out on dates—perhaps several in a month or even in a week. But if you find yourself newly single in your 40s, the very notion of dating can feel entirely unfamiliar. "Some people who are newly single in their 40s might not have dated since they were teens. A lot has changed," notes life and relationship coachJonathan Bennett. "It can be difficult jumping right back in when you've been out of practice for many years."

If you often met people to date through friends when you were younger, you might find that doesn't come as naturally at 40-plus, when your social life may be less bustling, as a large quantity of friendships turns to a quality few.

"Meeting through friends is the most common way to find a partner; yet, as people get older, they usually have fewer friends," Bennett says. "You can see how this makes dating more difficult as men and women in their 40s have to rely on anxiety-inducing methods like online dating, approaching strangers in social settings, or even trying singles events."ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb

To that end, finding a relationship over 40 often involves technology—from swiping through potential matches on dating apps to communicating with possible partners via text or DM. And over-40 daters may not love that newer aspect of the game.

"People today have become habitually dependent upon texting that breeds misunderstanding, uncertainty, and distance in the message receiver," Walfish says. "From what I hear patients moan about, there are some things about the archaic ways of dating that I think would be best brought back."

"Dating at 40-plus often becomes more challenging because of the insecurities and judgments that people have about aging," says relationship expert and couples counselorKatherine Bihlmeier. "'I'm too old,' 'My body is not beautiful anymore, 'I don't have anything to offer because I'm not as young as I used to be,' 'Nobody would find this saggy skin sexy'… The list of judgments running through our heads just grows longer."

At this stage of life, you can be especially critical of potential mates, which can result from your own past experiences. "If you are divorced or are coming from a relationship that lasted many years only to fail, you tend to be more cautious about who you date. At times, this caution can turn into being overly critical or extremely picky of people you are dating, finding flaws that are not necessarily detrimental to a relationship," says Stephania Cruz, relationship expert and writer for DatingPilot.net. "Being overly critical or picky can hurt the chances of meeting a great person to form a serious relationship with."

When you're in your 20s, dating may be the only responsibility you care to prioritize. But when you're in your 40s, it's likely one of many aspects of your life that you're trying to keep afloat.

"Your 40s may very well be the peak of your life in terms of juggling responsibility. You may have a successful career, family, financial responsibility, and a whole myriad of other endeavors that make searching for a partner and dating that much more complicated," says health and wellness coachLynell Ross. "It's not just about the dating itself, but the host of other things you have to juggle in the background."

In addition to having more responsibility in your 40s, you likely have an entirely different set of priorities—and a timeline that may look different than it did in the past, too.

"When people are in their teens, 20s, and early 30s, meeting new people, partying with friends, and socializing is something they desire and look forward to," says dating expert and authorKevin Darné. But sometimes, he says, "people in their 40s and beyond have already had the fairytale wedding and subsequent divorce. Therefore they don't have the same urgency or enthusiasm when it comes to finding a mate as they did in the past. Their top priorities are more likely taking care of their children or elderly parent [or] focusing on their career."

When you're in your 20s and go to a party, everyone is single and ready to mingle. But it's not so much the case as we age. "When you're younger, you're around peers who are largely single. Very few people have settled down into formal commitments like marriage. Yet, in your 40s, many of your co-workers and natural peers are married and unavailable to date," Bennett says. "The dating pool is smaller and it can lead to frustration."

If you're looking for a serious relationship in your 40s, you could be approaching dating with a bit too much intensity, making dates feels more like an interview than a chat with a potential match.

"If you're heading into a date with a checklist of questions and criteria, you're running the risk of making the person feel interrogated and unseen for who they are. Keep it as casual and relaxed as you possibly can—and don't beat yourself up too much if you are feeling anxious," suggests Carissa Coulston, PhD, a clinical psychologist and relationship writer for The Eternity Rose. "Just try and let the conversation flow. Chemistry will either form or it won't.

To be clear, standards are important—but setting the bar unrealistically high can be a factor when dating in your 40s. "What made for an ideal mate at ages 16, 18, or 25 generally will not cut it for us when we're in our 40s," Darné says. "Once you start acquiring homes, have children, and have a decent amount in your 401(k), you become much more selective. … The higher your standards are, the more competition there is for finding such a person, and [there] is also more frustration with each person you meet who doesn't measure up."

In your 40s, you might find yourself hopelessly stuck to a "type"—or avoiding a "type"—based on your own past experiences. "Both men and women are guilty of this," Coulston says. "Perhaps they had one bad experience in the past with a particular person, and are now trying to avoid anyone remotely similar at all costs. However, a 'type' is not always an accurate way of summing up another person. If you categorize a person based on some similarities with someone in your past, you could easily miss out on a partner who is compatible with you."

Daters over 40 are likely seeking a satisfying sexual relationship as much as they were at earlier stages of life. But sex itself is different in your 40s, which can add awkwardness or pressure to a budding relationship. "Middle-aged sex requires a different focus and some new techniques to be satisfying," Tessina says. "It's no surprise that sex is different for mid-lifers than for youngsters."

Bihlmeier adds that, when dating in your 40s, "all the judgments we as society have of aging and sex come up." "It makes them insecure, and it is hard for them to enjoy themselves," she says.

If you're dating in your 40s, that might represent a different path from the one you had planned for yourself—and that can breed insecurity and a sense of not measuring up as a potential mate. "Whether you are still single, married, or split up, you could be worried about what other people think of you," Ross says. "You could be caught in that awkward time of not feeling old, but not feeling as young as those in the dating scene, and find it easier to avoid dating."

But of course, you shouldn't let your fears stop you from putting yourself out there. Remind yourself of everything you have going for you and how worthy you are of finding love. It's definitely not easy, but it's worthwhile.

Alesandra Dubin

Alesandra Dubin is a lifestyle editor and writer based in Los Angeles. Read more

Maybe you thought looking for love would be easier now that you’re older, wiser and have your career and finances in place. 

Think again.

Finding a quality partner in your 40s is a lot trickier than when you were younger. 

Not just because the dating pool is smaller.

Not just because you may be rusty at dating.

But because 21st century dating is ever-changing and more challenging than what you may have been used to when you were younger.

I’m an experienced flirt, love expert, and dating coach, and I witness these challenges with my clients every day. So please, take a moment to read this article so I can give you some tangible takeaways about how to make the most of dating after 40. 

Can a 40-Year Old Woman Still Find Love?

Yes.

And it’s not even debatable. The majority of my clients are over the age of 40 and, as you can tell, plenty of them are falling in love and getting married. 

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

At age 40, only 25% of college-educated men are single. 

Among that 25%, some of them never want to get married and some are single because few women would want to date them. 

Finally, if a man is in his 40’s and wants his own biological children, he’ll generally search for women under the age of 35 – so he can have a few years to date, fall in love, get married, and enjoy the relationship before he dives into fatherhood. 

(I married a woman three years older who was about to turn 39; I feel fortunate that we had two children in our forties, but many men won’t take that risk.)

Despite all of the caveats: that STILL leaves millions of men who are educated, relationship-oriented and looking to connect with you. So…

What Can You Do To Succeed in Dating in Your 40s?

You may feel that 40 is old but considering you’ve got a good 40 years left, it would seem to be in your best interest to prioritize finding lasting love.

And while people’s situations do change as they get older – people in their 40’s are often dealing with divorce and children – the dynamics of dating are universal.

That’s why having a healthy mindset and realistic expectations are key to your success.

Here are five things you can do to attract good men at any age.

1. Don’t Rush To Get into a Serious Relationship 

If you just had a grueling divorce, focus on self-care first before going back into the dating scene. You need to reclaim your sense of value and worth, and it’s important you spend enough time healing so that you can attract exactly the right kind of partner.

When you’re ready to get back out there, the key to successful dating after 40 is to act like there’s no urgency. As much as you want kids, you don’t want to rush into marriage and children in a year, only to end up a divorced single parent to an innocent toddler. 

Slow and steady – getting to know whether a man is high-character before you make life-altering decisions – may not be how you want to proceed, but it’s truly the only way.

I get that if you’ve struggled with men for decades, you may feel like snapping up the first cute guy who calls himself your boyfriend, but the stakes are too high to make a mistake.

In the first month of Love U, I talk about this counterintuitive process – being proactive, patient and positive, despite the face that you hate dating and would prefer Mr. Right to just knock on your door and propose to you right now. 

2. Create an Online Dating Profile That Reflects You

Dating apps are everywhere and it’s easier than ever to just post a photo and start swiping.

The problem with dating apps is that they’re almost purely age-based and looks-based, and since everyone has an infinite number of options, it’s hard to make a real connection.

That’s why I recommend conventional online dating sites like Match and OKCupid and why I’ve spent nearly two decades writing online dating profiles for women at e-Cyrano.com. 

If you don’t want to invest in a professional writer to attract quality men, that’s fine, but you do have to do something different to get a different result. 

The most powerful example of how to write a better and more authentic profile is to provide short anecdotes about what he gets out of dating you. “I would throw a Super Bowl party for your friends and serve my famous five-bean chili” is a much more appealing sentence than “I like dancing, swimming and walks with my dog.” Write for your audience, not for yourself. 

3. Don’t Be Scared To Make the First Move

Merely having live profiles on different online dating sites isn’t enough to find a great guy. 

You know this because you don’t like 90% of the men who reach out to you.

So if you’re not satisfied with the quality (or quantity) of the men who are writing to you, the most powerful thing you can do is to initiate contact.

That may feel a little foreign to you, especially if you’re of the belief that men should always make the first move. 

But it’s not really about WHO is making the first move; it’s about HOW you’re doing it. 

A confident woman will something funny about one detail in the guy’s profile – without complimenting him, without asking him out, without giving away your power – and discover that around 30% of men will write back.

You may focus on the 70% who don’t but the truth is that if you write to ONE new guy per day, you will have more dates than you can handle.

Writing to a guy doesn’t mean you’re needy, desperate, or even that you have to MEET him. It just means that instead of passively waiting for attractive men to write to you, you’re taking control of the situation and doubling your chances of meeting a great guy fast. 

4. Learn To Say “No”

Just because men are flooding your DMs for a date doesn’t mean you have to respond to everyone who reaches out. It’s not only exhausting but it’s also time-consuming. You’re not a human resources department at a big corporation; you’re an individual with a limited amount of energy. That doesn’t mean you should dismiss every guy with a mediocre profile who says “Hey, what’s up?” but rather that you should devote your time to men who make a greater effort. 

If you’ve got 7-10 active conversations going on with men who sound sane, serious, and are making a consistent effort, you don’t need any more leads. 

Better to go on one quality date a week with a guy who has earned the right to take you out on Saturday night than to text 25 guys in hopes of meeting 4 of them for coffee. 

Finally, if you’re a woman who wants to have kids, restrict yourself only to men who want kids and single dads. Life is too short to date a guy who isn’t sure if wants to be a dad.

5. Focus on the Present

Finding good relationships in your 40s often involves meeting a good number of men who have been married or already have children. 

At the same time, there are a number of wonderful divorced guys who have issues beyond their control. Controlling exes. Alimony payments. Shared custody. Demanding jobs and mid-life crises. These guys – like many divorced women – are wary of marriage, wary of losing their assets, and you shouldn’t rush them into commitment. 

In other words, if you’re a marriage oriented woman in your 40’s, you can’t expect a guy to marry you in a year. What you can do, however, is to choose a man who IS marriage oriented, and together, explore over the next two years whether you’re a good long-term fit. 

It’s not your job to make a man want to commit to you; it’s to see if he’s worthy of your commitment. If you’ve made mistakes before, pay attention to your feelings and your anxiety. 

Good relationships are easy and should feel organic. Instead of wondering about whether your kids will get along after the first month of dating, just enjoy the present and appreciate having a partner who is equally excited about you. 

6. Think Positive

After years of dating and jumping from one relationship to another, it’s normal to be disappointed. But that bitterness will only hurt you.

Rather than filling your mind with doubts on whether you still have a shot at a great relationship, why not replace it with optimism? Change your mindset of “relationships are scary” to “dating is fun.” Erasing negative thoughts can help connect more with men and date with positivity.

6. Talk to a Dating Coach

Dating coaches are specialists, just like plumbers and piano teachers and heart surgeons.

If you’ve tried everything and are thinking of giving up on dating, relationships and men, getting help from a relationship expert can transform your entire life. 

From providing motivation, confidence, and techniques to better attract and connect with the opposite sex, to teaching you how to choose a compatible man, the best dating coach offers perhaps the most valuable service you’ll ever need.

Have Fun With the Process

Even if women in their 40s are more self-aware, experienced, and aware of what values to look for in their partners, there’s always a sense of fear and vulnerability when it comes to dating. 

Even though you know, intellectually, that it’s not personal when you reject a guy, it sure feels personal when a guy rejects you.

Which is why it’s essential to have a detached approach from dating. “Short-term pessimism and long-term optimism” is what we practice in Love U. Not expecting too much from any one man, not putting too much pressure on any one date, and knowing that most guys are not meant to be your husband.

If you go on a date per week for three months, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It also doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with men. It probably means you just haven’t met your match yet. Why? Because finding one person to trust with your entire life is not easy, no more than getting to this place in your career was easy. 

When you’re dating in your forties, do your best to reserve judgment. 

Bad dates will happen. They make for good stories. 

Mediocre dates will happen. Forget about them. 

Good dates where men disappear or disappoint afterwards will happen. Shake them off. 

It’s all part of the process.

You don’t have to decide immediately on the first date if it’s going to work or not. You couldn’t possibly know. Neither could he. If you have fun and can relax on a first date, go on a second one. If not, don’t. It’s really okay. 

Now that you’re at the age where you know who you are and are confident with yourself, you’re most likely to find a mate better suited for you. Just have fun and enjoy the process!

As all of us Girlfriends wrap our brains around entering our fifth or sixth decade of life, it’s helpful to remember that our male counterparts come with their own set of over-40 issues. So I did a very scientific sampling of men in this age group (meaning I talked to all the guys in my office, at school drop off, and at every party I attended this past month) to find out what men over 40 would like women over 40 to know:

THEY DON’T ALL WANT A YOUNG TROPHY
Whether you’re dating or married, it’s hard not to think that the guy who holds your heart would trade you in for a newer model if given the chance. And while there are those men in their 40s who seem to prefer dating women 25 and younger, the truth is that most men are attracted to one thing over everything else: Confidence. And for a man over 40, it’s hard to find the kind of self-knowledge and life experience that leads to true confidence inside of a woman who’s only entering her 23rd year of life. And while we’re on the subject of confidence, let’s also talk about insecurities. Uncomfortable with parts of your body that used to be higher and tighter? Yeah, so are they. And sure, like you, they can appreciate a well-worked-out, hot, young thing. But being with someone who doesn’t look so obviously out of place on their arm and in their bed helps them to feel great about the body they’re in (note double entendre).

A LOT OF THEM NEED TO TAKE A PILL AND THAT’S OK
Ever notice how many Erectile Dysfunction treatment commercials tend to air during televised sporting events? That’s because advertisers know their audience, and the most common users of these medications are men over age 40. Erectile Dysfunction, or ED, is the constant or occasional inability to keep and maintain an erection. And it’s more common than most men might want to admit. In fact, by age 40, about 40% of men have had some sort of ED and the frequency only increases the older they get. The good news? Once you’ve ruled out other possible causes like diabetes, heart conditions or certain medications (to name a few), men can continue to enjoy an ED-free sex life thanks to the magic of modern pharmacology. This of course requires a bit of timing and may suck the spontaneity out of your sex life, and it’s important to be understanding and supportive. There’s plenty you can do to occupy each other while waiting for that little magic pill to kick in... or up.

THEY ARE ALL GOING THROUGH MIDLIFE TURMOIL, JUST LIKE US
Be it a thoughtful assessment or a full-blown crisis, most everyone in their 40’s or 50’s is taking a midlife moment to reflect and regroup. For some men, this can mean a difficult period of realization and regret. Perhaps they need to come to terms with probably never achieving a certain long-held goal. Perhaps they have regrets and can see that in retrospect, they may have made some poor choices. While some are fortunate to experience midlife as a time of self-acceptance, some experience profound feelings of stress, anxiety and depression. And when that happens, just like with us, it can drive a person crazy (to quote Stephen Sondheim). The trend with many hetero couples, especially those with children, is for the woman to swallow a lot of these feelings while men tend to act out. Of course, that’s not going to be the case for everyone, but She Who Multitasks stays distracted the longest. And He Who Sits On The Couch A Lot tends to brood. Try to be supportive. Remind your guy about all the things he has to be thankful for (um, like YOU!), and plan some fun things to look forward to. The more you can look forward and the less you look back, the better the chances of surviving a midlife moment.

THEY ACTUALLY VALUE A GOOD DEED OVER A GREAT ASS
Not that your average man over 40 can’t appreciate a well-supported tush, but men who are real adults are able to see a little deeper. The reality is that selfishness, pettiness and inconsideration are turn-offs while virtue, self-awareness and compassion for others can make someone seem very sexy to a man of a certain age. Just like us, as men grow older, they start to become aware of the inevitable need to have someone take care of them. Even the most independent person has at least emotional needs that require tending, and there is comfort and pleasure that can be derived from the company of a person who possesses a quality soul. In other words, feel free to lead with your heart and not your (insert fave body part).

One of the 40-something men I spoke to was able to sum it all up for me. “I think we all just want a true partner," he said. “I’m getting too old to try to pretend I’m anything I’m not, and I’m too tired to deal with someone pretending to be something they're not.”


The Girlfriend from AARP is a great resource for women to confab, commiserate and celebrate. Consider supporting us by joining AARP or renewing your membership.

It's not the same when you're dating men over 40. Whether YOU are over 40, or he is.

If you've been around long enough, you know that things change when you get a little older. Especially when it comes to love and relationships. Dating isn't just a giggly trip to the movies like it was in your teens and twenties.

He only gets better with age.

Now you have to deal with mature dating - and know how to handle things as a grown-up. Yeah, I know - bummer.

But things are better later on. You're wiser, more confident, and you don't have time to waste on game-playing with those "players" out there.

And if you have to date a guy over 40, you should know how to handle yourself - and not get surprised in the process.

So I'm going to cover 5 special tips for you if you're dating a "silver fox" - that's a more affectionate way of describing those guys that are a little more gray.

First - the benefits:

• Older guys are better in bed. Usually, anyway. And that's good for both of you!
• Older guys are more established in their career, and they have more time for you.
• Older guys have more interests and hobbies to include you in. It's not just about playing beer pong on the weekends.
• Older guys are also in a better place financially. (If you find yourself dating a guy who's still struggling at age 40 with his money, that's a red flag, by the way.)

Now, that last bullet point leads us right into the first tip:

Dating a guy over 40 - Tip #1: Follow The Money.

Watch how he treats you, and his money.

It goes without saying that if you're dating a man, you want a guy that treats you right.

But you also want to choose a guy that has his financial $#!+ together.

Look, let's be realistic - if you're a woman dating a man, you care how much he makes, dating a guy in his early 40s. Nothing says "unattractive" like a low-ambition guy who's content to just dating a guy in his early 40s by on a minimum wage job. And frankly, if you're still dating these guys, you need to level-up, honey.

"What?? Carlos, are you saying it's okay to be a gold-digger?"

No, I'm not saying you should look for some sugar-daddy to support you for the rest of your life.

HOWEVER, if you want a relationship with a real man, you need to choose a guy that's earning his keep.

"Show me the money!"

You see, women are attracted to rich men for a very practical reason: His earnings generally show how ambitious a provider he is. Women are attracted to providers. And men are happy to provide for you.

So don't feel guilty that you're turning into one of THOSE women. Looking at his earnings potential is just a way of seeing if you're going to be stuck with Homer Simpson, or a guy who will lift you a bit higher up in life.

Oh, and watch how he manages and handles that money, too.

• Is he stingy and tight? (This is bad.)
• Is he conservative and frugal? (This is good.)
• Is he frivolous and a show-off? (Again, bad.)

That will give you insight into his character that you might not be able to see until years into a relationship, so pay attention.

Courtship After 40 - Tip #2: Don't Turn On The Change Machine.

A guy in his 40s dating a guy in his early 40s not going to be clay, my dear. He's going to be pretty well set in his ways by now.

Meaning that you're not likely to change him. And the worst thing you can do is to turn on your "change machine" and make him into your fixer-upper.

I might argue that trying to change ANY man is a bad idea - mostly because it sends the message that he's not good enough as he is. This is the same as REJECTION to a man.

I'd also suggest that trying to change him is even more of a waste of time on a guy in his 40s or later.

You can't change his past. Or him.

When a person has reached their 40s, dating a guy in his early 40s, their personality is now set in stone. He knows who he is, and who he doesn't want to be. And any woman that steps in and starts trying to make him "perfect" is in for a rude awakening.

The key for you is to choose a guy that's "perfect enough" and leave it alone. Show gratitude for what you have.

Dating A "Silver Fox" - Tip #3: Remember What HE Wants.

If you want to hook a guy who's in his 40s and is a better prospect for a partner, you gotta know what he's looking for in a woman.

In a study of over 650,000 (yeah, that's thousands) online dating profiles, here's the top 2 traits men want in a woman - in order:

If he's in his 30s:

If he's in his 40s:

If he's in his 50s:

Yeah, the top two traits were the same: Fun & Honest women.

Give him good, honest fun.

Now, there's a bunch of other important stuff he's looking for that he WON'T tell you about (but I can show you in my programs) - but if you can keep the knowledge of the fact that he wants FUN most of all, you'll understand why all those UN-fun things you did may have pushed men away.

You'd be surprised how few women actually try to be fun in a relationship.

You might wonder -

What do men consider a "fun" woman?

• She's more focused on doing things with her man than constantly dating a guy in his early 40s or wondering where the relationship is going.
• She's more focused on playfulness than defending herself or arguing about things that hurt her feelings.
• She's quick to get past her dating a guy in his early 40s drama - She embraces the next laugh with a man instead of getting worrying about whether she'll can get him to commit to her. (Ironically, men commit willingly to women who aren't working so hard to squeeze a commitment out of them.)

Oh, another trait that's essential to a guy is up next -

Dating A Mature Guy - Tip #4: Be A Dog.

Wait. that doesn't sound quite right. But it's true.

You know those furry little pets that stick by your side, through thick or thin?

Renowned for their loyalty?

Yeah, DOGS.

If there's one trait that a man values (but probably would NEVER tell you directly), it's LOYALTY.

How could he resist?

Men are very aware of the relative loyalty level of the women they date. It's like we have a loyalty meter in our brains that registers every word and action of yours.

• We look at what you say about your friends, and how loyal you are with them. Ever throw a girlfriend "under the bus" for something? Oh yeah, we saw that. We might not have said anything, but we definitely made a mental note.
• We watch how you react to us and our occasional missteps and foibles. Are you patient and caring with us? Or could we see that you pulled away from us emotionally? NOTE: When you roll your eyes at something we say or do, we know dating a guy in his early 40s not good. and if we get revenge treatment later (especially withholding sex) we are on high alert that loyalty is in danger.
• We look at the patterns of your life. Do you tend to move from job to job? Do you shift your alliances and loyalties in your family and friends? Do you tend to talk crap about someone behind their back, but act in a hypocritical way later on? That's all going into the "loyalty registry" in your man's head.

I can't emphasize this one trait enough.

The unspoken battle cry of men everywhere is: "Give me loyalty, dating a guy in his early 40s, or give me bachelorhood!"

And if you SHOW him your loyalty, you'll earn his a thousand times over.

Dating Men Over 40 - Tip #5: Show Him Commitment.

This one is going to blow your mind - mushroom cloud style!

Men want commitment. 

Yes, all men do, but especially men over 40. We're looking at the second half of our life, and we want someone to spend it with, dating a guy in his early 40s, to share laughs and adventures with.

At this age, we've also been able to establish ourselves more in our careers, so we're less focused on spending every waking minute at the office.

A guy in his 40s is also starting to feel a little insecure about his marital status - especially if he's not married like his friends. Being single will take a toll on a man's ego.

And if he's over 40 and past his first marriage, he knows better what he wants.

He's ripe for picking!

You see, for all women's complaining about getting a man to commit, there are a few things you need to know:

1. A lot of WOMEN are "commitment-phobic." Yes, it's true. I get letters from trucking dating sites every day that realize they are actually pushing men away with their overly critical and detailed lists of things they expect from a man, dating a guy in his early 40s. It's just another way to protect themselves.
2. Men are rarely "commitment-phobic." Yes, this one will be super hard to swallow, but it's also true.

HERE'S WHY:

When a man acts "scared of commitment," what he's really doing is telling you that he's seeing some behaviors that make him worry about his long-term feelings of attraction to you.

A man worries about commitment more than women do - for a simple reason:

Men have more to lose if they choose their partner poorly.

The perfect partnership., dating a guy in his early 40s. Be the Watson to his Holmes.

If a man has a bad marriage, he's:

• More likely to be depressed.
• More likely to be cheated on.
• More likely to die younger.
• More likely to lose his children.
• More likely to have health issues.

The list goes on and on.

So you can understand how he might be careful about who he lets into his heart.

Maybe you've tried everything:

• - Ignoring your suspicions
• - Being honest, speaking and showing your feelings
• - Played hard to get
• - Trying everything to make it work with him
• - You follow all the advice, but he doesn't respond

If you've tried everything, you should know that there's a simple way to get into a man's heart. When you know what a man is looking for to commit to a woman, you'll have a roadmap to getting his complete commitment.

Go watch my short, free presentation on men & commitment HERE.

Maybe you thought looking for love would be easier now that you’re older, wiser and have your career and finances in place. 

Think again.

Finding a quality partner in your 40s is a lot trickier than when dating a guy in his early 40s were younger. 

Not just because the dating pool is smaller.

Not just because you may be rusty at dating.

But because 21st century dating is ever-changing and more challenging than what you may have been used to when you were younger.

I’m an experienced flirt, love expert, and dating coach, and I witness these challenges with my clients every day. So please, take a moment to read this article so I can give you some tangible takeaways about how to make the most of dating after 40. 

Can a 40-Year Old Woman Still Find Love?

Yes.

And it’s not even debatable. The majority of my clients are over the age of 40 and, as you can tell, plenty of them are falling in love and getting married. 

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

At age 40, only 25% of college-educated men are single. 

Among that 25%, some of them never want to get married and some are single because few women would want to date them. 

Finally, dating a guy in his early 40s, if a man is in his 40’s and wants his own biological children, he’ll generally search for women under the age of 35 – so he can have a few years to date, fall in love, get married, and enjoy the relationship before he dives into fatherhood. 

(I married a woman three years older who was about to turn 39; I feel fortunate that we had two children in our forties, but many men won’t take that risk.)

Despite all of the caveats: that STILL leaves millions of men who are educated, relationship-oriented and looking to connect with you. So…

What Can You Do To Succeed in Dating in Your 40s?

You may feel that 40 is old but considering you’ve got a good 40 years left, dating a guy in his early 40s, it would seem to be in your best interest to prioritize finding lasting love.

And while people’s situations do change as they get older – people in their 40’s are often dealing with divorce and children – the dynamics of dating are universal.

That’s why having a healthy mindset and realistic expectations are key to your success.

Here are five things you can do to attract good men at any age.

1. Don’t Rush To Get into a Serious Relationship 

If you just had a grueling divorce, focus on self-care first before going back into the dating scene. You need to reclaim your sense of value and worth, and it’s important dating a guy in his early 40s spend enough time healing so that you can attract exactly the right kind of partner.

When you’re ready to get back out there, the key to successful free vacation dating sites after 40 is to act like there’s no urgency. As much as you want kids, you don’t want to rush into marriage and children in a year, only to end up a divorced single parent to an innocent toddler. 

Slow and steady – getting to know whether a man is high-character before you make life-altering decisions – may not be how you want to proceed, but it’s truly the only way.

I get that if you’ve struggled with men for decades, you may feel like snapping up the first cute guy who calls himself your boyfriend, but the stakes are too high to make a mistake.

In the first month of Love U, I talk about this counterintuitive process – being proactive, patient and positive, despite the face that you hate dating and would prefer Mr. Right to just knock on your door and propose to you right now. 

2. Create an Online Dating Profile That Reflects You

Dating apps are everywhere and it’s easier than ever to just post a photo and start swiping.

The problem with dating apps is that they’re almost purely age-based and looks-based, and since everyone has an infinite number of options, it’s hard to make dating a guy in his early 40s real connection.

That’s why I recommend conventional online dating sites like Match and OKCupid and why I’ve spent nearly two decades writing online dating profiles for women at e-Cyrano.com. 

If you don’t want to invest in a professional writer to attract quality men, that’s fine, but you do have to do something different to get a different result. 

The most powerful example of how to write a better and more authentic profile is to provide short anecdotes about what he gets out of dating you. “I would throw a Super Bowl party for your friends and serve my famous five-bean chili” is a much more appealing sentence than “I like dancing, swimming and walks with my dog.” Write for your audience, not for yourself. 

3. Don’t Be Scared To Make the First Move

Merely having live profiles on different online dating sites isn’t enough to find a great guy. 

You know this because you don’t like 90% of the men who reach out to you.

So if you’re dating a guy in his early 40s satisfied with the quality (or quantity) of the men who are writing to you, the most powerful thing you can do is to initiate contact.

That may feel a little foreign to you, especially if you’re of the belief that men should always make the first move. 

But it’s not really about WHO is making the first move; it’s about HOW you’re doing it. 

A confident woman will something funny about one detail in the guy’s profile – without complimenting him, without asking him out, without giving away your power – and discover that around 30% of men will write back.

You may focus on the 70% who don’t but the truth is that if you write to ONE new guy dating a guy in his early 40s day, you will have more dates than you can handle.

Writing to a guy doesn’t mean you’re needy, desperate, or even that you have to MEET him. It just means that instead of passively waiting for attractive men to write to you, you’re taking control of the situation and doubling your chances of meeting a great guy fast. 

4, dating a guy in his early 40s. Learn To Say “No”

Just because men are flooding your DMs for a date doesn’t mean you have to respond to everyone who reaches out. It’s not only exhausting but it’s also time-consuming. You’re not a human resources department at a big corporation; you’re an individual with a limited amount of energy. That doesn’t mean you should dismiss every guy with a mediocre profile who says “Hey, what’s up?” but rather that you should devote your time to men who make a greater effort. 

If you’ve got 7-10 active conversations going on with men who the guy im dating likes to wear ripped jeans sane, serious, and are making a consistent effort, you don’t need any more leads. 

Better to go on one quality date a week with a guy who has earned the right to take you out on Saturday night than to text 25 guys in hopes of meeting 4 of them for coffee. 

Finally, if you’re a woman who wants to have kids, restrict yourself only to men who want kids and single dads. Life is too short to date a guy who isn’t sure if wants to be a dad.

5. Focus on the Present

Finding good relationships in your 40s often involves meeting a good number of men who have been married or already have children. 

At the same time, there are a number of wonderful divorced guys who have issues beyond their control. Controlling exes. Alimony payments. Shared custody. Demanding jobs and mid-life crises. These guys – like many divorced women – are wary of marriage, wary of losing their assets, and you shouldn’t rush them into commitment. 

In other words, if you’re a marriage oriented woman in your 40’s, you can’t expect a guy to marry you in a year, dating a guy in his early 40s. What you can do, however, is to choose a man who IS marriage oriented, and together, explore over the next two years whether you’re a good long-term fit. 

It’s not your job to make a man want to commit to you; it’s to see if he’s worthy of your commitment. If you’ve made mistakes before, pay attention to your feelings and your anxiety. 

Good relationships are easy and should feel organic. Instead of wondering about whether your kids will get along after the first month of dating, just enjoy the present and appreciate having a partner who is equally excited about you. 

6. Think Positive

After years of dating and jumping from one relationship to another, it’s normal to be disappointed. But that bitterness will only hurt you.

Rather than filling your mind with doubts on whether you still have a shot at a great relationship, why not replace it with optimism? Change your mindset of “relationships are scary” to “dating is fun.” Erasing negative thoughts can help connect more with men and date with positivity.

6. Talk to a Dating Coach

Dating coaches are specialists, just like plumbers and piano teachers and heart surgeons.

If you’ve tried everything and are thinking of giving up on dating, relationships and men, getting help from a relationship expert can dating a guy in his early 40s your entire life. 

From providing motivation, confidence, and techniques to better attract and connect with the opposite sex, to teaching you how to choose a compatible man, the best dating coach offers perhaps the most valuable service you’ll ever need.

Have Fun With the Process

Even if women in their 40s are more self-aware, experienced, and aware of what values to look for in their partners, there’s always a sense of fear and vulnerability when it comes to dating. 

Even though you know, intellectually, that it’s not personal when you reject a guy, it sure feels personal when a guy rejects you.

Which is why it’s essential to have a detached approach from dating. “Short-term pessimism and long-term optimism” is what we practice in Love U. Not expecting too much from any one man, not putting too much pressure on any one date, and knowing that most guys are not meant to be your husband.

If you go on a date per week for three months, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It also doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with men. It probably means you just haven’t met your match yet. Why? Because finding one person to trust with your entire life is not easy, no more than getting to this place in your career was easy. 

When you’re dating in your forties, do your best to reserve judgment. 

Bad dates will happen. They make for good stories. 

Mediocre dates will happen. Forget about them. 

Good dates where men disappear or disappoint afterwards will happen. Shake them off. 

It’s all part of the process.

You don’t have to decide immediately on the first date if it’s going to work or not. You couldn’t possibly know. Neither could he. If you have fun and can relax on a first date, go on a second one. If not, don’t. It’s really okay. 

Now that you’re at the age where you know who you are and are confident with yourself, you’re most likely to find a mate better suited for you. Just have fun and enjoy the process!

As all of us Girlfriends wrap our brains around entering our fifth or sixth decade of life, it’s helpful to remember that our male counterparts come with their own set of over-40 issues. So I did a very scientific sampling of men in this age group (meaning I talked to all the guys in my office, at school drop off, and at every party I attended this past month) to find out what men over 40 would like women over 40 to know:

THEY DON’T ALL WANT A YOUNG TROPHY
Whether you’re dating or married, it’s hard not to think that the guy who holds your heart would trade you in for a newer model if given the chance. And while there are those men in their 40s who seem to prefer dating women 25 and younger, the truth is that most men are attracted to one thing over everything else: Confidence. And for a man over 40, it’s hard to find the kind of self-knowledge and life experience that leads to true confidence inside of a woman who’s only entering her 23rd year of life. And while we’re on the subject of confidence, let’s also talk about insecurities. Uncomfortable with parts of your body that used to be higher and tighter? Yeah, so are they. And sure, like you, they can appreciate a well-worked-out, hot, young thing, dating a guy in his early 40s. But being with someone who doesn’t look so obviously out of place on their arm and in their bed helps them to feel great about the body they’re in (note double entendre).

A LOT OF THEM NEED TO TAKE A PILL AND THAT’S OK
Ever notice how many Erectile Dysfunction treatment commercials tend to air during televised sporting events? That’s because advertisers know their audience, and the most common users of these medications are men over age 40. Erectile Dysfunction, or ED, dating a guy in his early 40s, is the constant or occasional inability to keep and maintain an erection. And it’s more common than most men might want to admit. In fact, by age 40, about 40% of men have had some sort of ED and the frequency only increases the older they get. The good news? Once you’ve ruled out other possible causes like diabetes, heart conditions or certain medications (to name a few), men can continue to enjoy an ED-free sex life thanks to the magic of modern pharmacology. This of course requires a bit of timing and may suck the spontaneity out of your sex life, and it’s important to be understanding and supportive. There’s plenty you can do to occupy each other while waiting for that little magic pill to kick in. or up.

THEY ARE ALL GOING THROUGH MIDLIFE TURMOIL, JUST LIKE US
Be it a thoughtful assessment or a full-blown crisis, most everyone in their 40’s or 50’s is taking a midlife moment to reflect and regroup. For some men, this can mean a difficult period of realization and regret. Perhaps they need to come to terms with probably never achieving a certain long-held goal. Perhaps they have regrets and can see that in retrospect, they may have made some poor choices, dating a guy in his early 40s. While some are fortunate to experience midlife as a time of self-acceptance, some experience profound feelings of stress, anxiety and depression. And when that happens, just like with us, it can drive a person crazy (to quote Stephen Sondheim). The trend with many hetero couples, especially those with children, is for the woman to swallow a lot of these feelings while men tend to act out. Of course, that’s not going to be the case for everyone, but She Who Multitasks stays distracted the longest. And He Who Sits On The Couch A Lot tends to brood. Try to be supportive. Remind your guy about all the things he has to be thankful for (um, like YOU!), and plan some fun things to look forward to. The more you can look forward and the less you look back, the better the chances of surviving a midlife moment.

THEY ACTUALLY VALUE A GOOD DEED OVER A GREAT ASS
Not that your average man over 40 can’t appreciate a well-supported tush, but men who are real adults are able to see a little deeper. The reality is that selfishness, pettiness and inconsideration are turn-offs while virtue, self-awareness and compassion for others can make someone seem very sexy to a man of a certain age. Just like us, as men grow older, they start to become aware of the inevitable need to have someone take care of them. Even the most independent person has at least emotional needs that require tending, and there is comfort and pleasure that can be derived from the company of a person who possesses a quality soul. In other words, feel free to lead with your heart and not your (insert fave body part).

One of the 40-something men I spoke to was able to sum it all up for me. “I think we all just want a true partner," he said. “I’m getting too old to try to pretend I’m anything I’m not, and I’m too tired to deal with someone pretending to be something they're not.”


The Girlfriend from AARP is a great resource for women to confab, commiserate and celebrate. Consider supporting us by joining AARP or renewing your membership.

Finding love can happen at any time of life but dating in your 40s can be an entirely different experience to dating in your early 20s.

egardless of what age you are, it’s hard to beat that frisson of excitement when you go on a first date or when you find yourself falling for someone new. However, it can sometimes seem harder to meet someone special once you’re in your 40s or older.

You’re no longer enjoying college nights out where most people are single, your circle of friends tends to be more established, and there may not be as many opportunities to get out and about due to work or family commitments.

That’s where online dating comes in. Online dating is now the norm for everyone from teens to the more mature dater. If you haven’t already tried it, here’s why it could be for you if you’re looking for love.

1. You have a better understanding of your needs

Once you reach your 40s and beyond, you have a better idea of what you want from a romantic connection. The chances are that you’ve been in a relationship before, know what you do and don’t want in a partner, and have a better understanding of your romantic needs.

There’s a lot to be said for experience! Knowing what dating a guy in his early 40s do/don’t want makes it easier to separate the wheat from the chaff and focus on finding genuine prospects. Online dating now makes it easier than ever to find the right person for you, dating a guy in his early 40s.

Depending on what site you use, you can adapt your search to filter your potential dates by age, interests or compatibility. It’s a simple way to narrow the field and focus your search on people who tick all the boxes.

2. You can see if you’re a match before you even meet

One of the advantages of online dating is that you can find out a lot about the other person from the comfort of your own couch. You can see whether you and your potential date are a match, share interests, or have the same sense of humour without having to commit to a physical date.

It’s also a good way to get back into the swing of things if you’re coming out of a long-term relationship or if your flirting skills are a bit rusty.

The power is in your hands. You can decide how quickly you want things to move, there’s no pressure and you can take the time to chat online and get to know each other before arranging a first date. Making a connection before you meet also increases the chances of you both hitting it off once you do meet up.

3. You’re not limited to your immediate circle of friends and their friends

If you’re over 40 and single, you’ll often find your friends will try and set you up with people they know. They mean well but the reality is that your friends are going to know less and less eligible singletons as they get older. Plus, you probably share a similar social circle to many of your close friends so it’s not like it was when you were in your 20s.

You could take a chance on whatever single friends they may have or you could actively search for your dream date. Online dating puts your romantic destiny back into your own hands and lets you reclaim control over your love life.

4.  Online dating fixes the odds in your favour

You might like the idea of meeting someone organically on a night out. Your eyes meet across a bar, you brush against each other and you realise that you’re both single and that you share common interests, passions and hobbies. We’re not saying it won’t happen but, statistically speaking, there are probably better ways to find Mr or Mrs Right.

Online dating lets you fix the odds in your favour. It’s like fishing in a lake that’s been stocked with your favourite type of fish. You can choose people in your own age range, look for someone who’s lifestyle and personality is compatible with yours, and even sign up to sites that offer matchmaker services to help you find a perfect match. 

5. You can choose a platform that reflects your values or needs 

There are all sorts of dating sites out there to suit all sorts of people. Some use advanced technology to help you meet your match. For instance, be2 is a site that matches compatible singles based on psychological and social criteria.

If you want to meet professionals and go-getters, EliteSingles is a premium site where 80pc of members hold a dating a guy in his early 40s degree or higher. It even uses advanced matchmaking algorithms and personality tests to help you find the perfect mate.

Singles looking for a more mature dating environment can try Singles50, which caters for an over 50s community looking to find a dating guy 4 years older relationship. If your faith is central to your life, you’re probably looking for someone who shares your beliefs and values. Christian Mingle is one of the largest Christian dating sites in the world dating a guy in his early 40s it’s dedicated to Christian singles who want to find someone dating a guy in his early 40s the same faith and values.

Regardless of what you’re looking for, signing up to an online dating site can help you to find the perfect person and open you up to a whole new word of romantic possibilities.

Dating over 40 doesn’t need to be daunting. Whatever your preference is, pick the platform that suits you, get out there and reclaim your love life, over 40 and beyond!

Start your journey now on I ndependent Dating Review.

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When you're dating in your 40s, you might be looking for a first-time dating a guy in his early 40s match, or maybe you're reentering the scene after a divorce or other hiatus. Maybe you already have your own kids—solo, or with a co-parent—or maybe you still want them… or maybe you don't. But whatever the specs of your dating life are, you'll likely find that there are particular challenges involved with dating over 40. From hangups and baggage to sex and technology, here, therapists, relationship coaches, couples counselors, and more explain why dating is so much harder in your 40s.

When you're in your 40s, you know what you like and what you don't like. And it can be harder than it was when you were younger to adapt and welcome a new relationship into your life, with all of the inherent compromise that comes with it.

"Dating is more difficult in your 40s because your life is usually more settled, and doing new things doesn't come as easily as it did in your earlier years," says psychotherapist Tina B, dating a guy in his early 40s. Tessina, LMFT, author of The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty.

Maybe you're dating in your 40s after a divorce—or even if not, you'll likely encounter other divorcees in the dating pool at this stage of life. And that can be a complicating factor.

"The experience of divorce and where you are in the process of getting over one can impact how jaded or emotionally unprepared you feel about the process of getting back out into the dating world," says Dana McNeil, LMFT, founder of group practice The Relationship Place. "Some people start dating right away after divorce or separation. When this happens, it is likely they haven't taken adequate time to process how the divorce impacted them emotionally. … Finding out how long a potential partner has been single is an important consideration before commitment."

There are many ways kids can complicate dating in your 40s. "Children can play into the equation heavily at this age," says career and relationship coachJulieanne O'Connor. "Often people already have children, or don't yet have children and sometimes feel rushed to do so. And there's the consideration of raising someone else's children."

For divorced parents dating in their 40s, kids are still very much a part of their daily lives. Family and relationship psychotherapistFran Walfish, PsyD, notes that "dating in your 40s is so much harder because most divorced dating a guy in his early 40s in their 40s still have growing children living at home."

Dating in your 40s can bring to light an uncomfortable disparity: No matter their own ages, men and women may be looking for partners of different ages. Sometimes that's merely a matter of vanity (i.e, dating a guy in his early 40s. "I want to date someone younger and have a trophy on my arm").

Other times, that uncomfortable reality comes about as a result of the kid factor, too. "[Some] women over the age of 40 are not interested in having more kids. However, there are a lot of men in their 40s who are very interested in having children. As a result, there tends to be a lot of men in their 40s who are looking for women in their 30s," says professional dating profile writerEric Resnick. "This can leave the women in their 40s with the feeling that the men in their age group are superficial and have unrealistic expectations."

In your 20s and 30s, you may have regularly gone out on dates—perhaps several in a month or even in a week. But if you find yourself newly single in your 40s, the very notion of dating can feel entirely unfamiliar. "Some people who are newly single in their 40s might not have dated since they were teens. A lot has changed," notes life and relationship coachJonathan Bennett. "It can be difficult jumping right back in when you've been out of practice for many years."

If you often met people to date through friends when you were younger, dating a guy in his early 40s, you might find that doesn't come as naturally at 40-plus, when your social life may be less bustling, as a large quantity of friendships turns to a quality few.

"Meeting through friends is the most common way to find a partner; yet, as people get older, they usually have fewer friends," Bennett says. "You can see how this makes dating more difficult as men and women in their 40s have to rely on anxiety-inducing methods like online dating, approaching strangers in social settings, or even trying singles events."ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb

To that end, finding a relationship over 40 often involves technology—from swiping through potential matches on dating apps to communicating with possible partners via text or DM. And over-40 daters may not love that newer aspect of the game.

"People today have become habitually dependent upon texting that breeds misunderstanding, uncertainty, and distance in the message receiver," Walfish says. "From what I hear patients moan about, there are some things about the archaic ways of dating that I think would be best brought back."

"Dating at 40-plus often becomes more challenging because of the insecurities and judgments that people have about aging," says dating a guy in his early 40s expert and couples counselorKatherine Bihlmeier. "'I'm too old,' 'My body is not beautiful anymore, 'I don't have anything to offer because I'm not as young as I used to be,' 'Nobody would find this saggy skin sexy'… The list of judgments running through our heads dating a guy in his early 40s grows longer."

At this stage of life, you can be especially critical of potential mates, which can result from your own past experiences. "If you are divorced or are coming from a relationship that lasted many years only to fail, you tend to be more cautious about who you date. At times, this caution can turn into being overly critical or extremely picky of people you are dating, finding flaws that are not necessarily detrimental to a relationship," says Stephania Cruz, relationship expert and writer for DatingPilot.net. "Being overly critical or picky can hurt the chances of meeting a great person to form a serious relationship with."

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When you're in your 20s, dating may be the only responsibility you care to prioritize. But when you're in your 40s, it's likely one of many aspects of your life that you're trying to keep afloat.

"Your 40s may very well be the peak of your life in terms of juggling responsibility. You may have a successful career, family, financial responsibility, and a whole myriad of other endeavors that make searching for a partner and dating that much more complicated," says health and wellness coachLynell Ross. "It's not just about the dating itself, but the host of other things you have to juggle in the background."

In addition to having more responsibility in your 40s, you likely have an entirely different set of priorities—and a timeline that may look different than it did in the past, too.

"When people are in their teens, 20s, and early dating a guy in his early 40s, meeting new people, partying with friends, and socializing is something they desire and look forward to," says dating expert and authorKevin Darné. But sometimes, free messageing on online dating websites says, "people in their 40s and beyond have already had the fairytale wedding and subsequent divorce. Therefore they don't have the same urgency or enthusiasm when it comes to finding a mate as they did in the past. Their top priorities are more likely taking care of their children or elderly parent [or] focusing on their career."

When you're in your 20s and go to a party, everyone is single and ready to mingle. But it's not so much the case as we age. "When you're younger, you're around peers who are largely single. Very few people have settled down into formal commitments like marriage. Yet, in your 40s, many of your co-workers and natural peers are married and unavailable to date," Bennett says. "The dating pool is smaller and it can lead to frustration."

If you're looking for a serious relationship in your 40s, you could be approaching dating with a bit too much intensity, making dating a guy in his early 40s feels more like an interview than a chat with a potential match.

"If you're dating a guy in his early 40s into a date with a checklist of questions and criteria, you're running the risk of making the person feel interrogated and unseen for who they are. Keep it as casual and relaxed as you possibly can—and don't beat yourself up too much if you are feeling anxious," suggests Carissa Coulston, PhD, a clinical psychologist and relationship writer for The Eternity Rose. "Just try and do most men enjoy dating the conversation flow. Chemistry will either form or it won't.

To be clear, standards are important—but setting the bar unrealistically high can be a factor when dating in your 40s. "What made for an ideal mate at ages 16, 18, or 25 generally will not cut it for us when we're in our 40s," Darné says. "Once you start acquiring homes, have children, and have a decent amount in your 401(k), you become much more selective. … The higher your standards are, the more competition there is for finding such a person, and [there] is also more frustration with each person you meet who doesn't measure up."

In your 40s, you might find yourself hopelessly stuck to a "type"—or avoiding a "type"—based on your own past experiences. "Both men and women are guilty of this," Coulston says. "Perhaps they had one bad experience in the past with a particular person, and are now trying to avoid anyone remotely similar at all costs. However, a 'type' is not always an accurate way of summing up another person. If you categorize a person based on some similarities with someone in your past, you could easily miss out on a partner who is compatible with you."

Daters over 40 are likely seeking a satisfying sexual relationship as much as they were at earlier stages of life. But sex itself is different in your 40s, which can add awkwardness or pressure to a budding relationship. "Middle-aged sex requires a different focus and some new techniques to be satisfying," Tessina says. "It's no surprise that sex is different for mid-lifers than for youngsters."

Bihlmeier adds that, when dating in your 40s, "all the judgments we as society have of aging and sex come up." "It makes them insecure, and it is hard for them to enjoy themselves," she says.

If you're dating in your 40s, that might represent a different path from the one you dating a guy in his early 40s planned dating a guy in his early 40s yourself—and that can breed insecurity and a sense of not measuring up as a potential mate. "Whether you are still single, married, or split up, you could be worried about what other people think of you," Ross says. "You could be caught in that awkward time of not feeling old, but not feeling as young as those in the dating scene, and find it easier to avoid dating."

But of course, you shouldn't let your fears stop you from putting yourself out there. Remind yourself of everything you have going for you and how worthy you are of finding love. It's definitely dating sim games for android for men easy, but it's worthwhile.

Alesandra Dubin

Alesandra Dubin is a lifestyle editor and writer based in Los Angeles. Read more

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ’s)

• How do you tell if a man is falling in love with you?

Not every man is the same and there might not be any undeniable signs a man is falling in love unless he tells you, but there are some signs a man is falling in love that you can watch for. For example, you can watch his body language. He's likely to turn his body towards you when in conversation and to make eye contact with you. He may pay attention to you more than others that are around.  He's also likely to try spending time with you more than with others when he's falling in love.

You may find that he's willing to do things with you that he wouldn't do otherwise such as watching a "chick flick".  He shows interest in things that you're interested in and makes sacrifices to spend more time with you. His friends and family may start to notice a change in his behavior and meeting the parents may take place.

• What happens to a man when he falls in love?

When men fall in love, his priorities may begin to shift. He begins paying attention to things in a different way as  he begins to have deeper feelings for his partner. He begins to care dating a guy in his early 40s about what his partner needs and wants above what he wants. He starts to think about the future as a couple instead of just as his own. His long-term plans may begin to adapt to include the other person.

It's also believed that when he's falling in love, he experiences less physical pain.

• How quickly do men fall in love?

When it comes to how quickly it happens, there's a good chance that he's falling in love faster than you are. It's even believed that men are more likely to fall in love at first sight compared to women. However, dating a guy in his early 40s, it's important to remember that not all men are the same. Sometimes a man falling in love may not realize that it's happening. On the other hand, a man may realize he's falling in love immediately because he's purposefully looking for this type of relationship.

• How does a man feel when he is in love?

When in love, a man can feel many different ways. He may notice that his attention and goals start to shift. One such example would be that he's interested in you and building a relationship and not just thinking about his sex life. He may also feel more of a pressure to succeed, provide for, or protect his partner.

When he's falling in love, everything is likely to become about her. He can't stop thinking about her and would rather be spending time with her than doing anything else.

He may feel a scared about the relationship and where it's headed or he might just have a comfortable feeling about the entire thing. The way that a man feels when he's in love or when he's falling in love is going to vary based on his personality and specific life situation. For example, someone struggling with a mental health challenge like anxiety or depression may feel different during this time than someone else.

• How do you tell if a guy is confused about his feelings for you?

If a man is confused and not quite sure if he's falling for you or not, you may find that you're getting mixed signals from him. He may seem really interested one day and then act differently the next time you see him, dating a guy in his early 40s. He may act like you're in a relationship when he's with you but then not want to go public with it by sharing on social media or with friends and family.

You may also notice that he seems jealous of attention that you give to other guys but also doesn't seem to attempt to be exclusive with you either. Overall, if a guy is confused about his feelings and whether he's falling for you or not, he most likely going to leave you feeling confused about where you stand.

• What makes a man fall deeply in love dating a guy in his early 40s a woman?

When he's falling for you, there are many things that can contribute to it. For many men, it involves being physically attracted to the woman. But if he's in love, it's not just about the physical attraction. Men like to have things in common with their partner. Most men want to enjoy spending time with the woman he's in love with.

Trust and respect are also important factors in love. If he's falling deeply in love, dating a guy in his early 40s, it's most likely because he thinks that he's found the complete package.

• How do you know if a guy loves you but is scared?

Even if he's scared, there are some signs a man is falling in love with you that you can watch for. For example, paying attention to his body language can be a great sign. You may notice that he's staring your way a lot and holds eye contact with you. You may also notice that he blushes easily around you or appears nervous.

You may also hear that he's been talking about you to the important people in his life like family or close friends. Or, you may notice that he makes it a goal to interact with all of your social media posts. There may be lots of little signs like this that show he's falling for you. But if you  aren't paying attention and looking for them, you may not notice.

If you're struggling to determine if he's in love with you or how to determine where your relationship is headed, it can be helpful to talk to him about it, dating a guy in his early 40s. Or, you may find it helpful to speak with a relationship expert like a therapist for guidance on navigating your relationship.

• What a man wants in a woman?

Not all men want the same thing in a woman, dating a guy in his early 40s. Each person is unique which means not every man is looking for the same thing when he's falling in love. However, most men are going to want to find a woman that they have things in common with. Physical attraction also plays an important role in love for many men. This doesn't mean that all men want their partner to look a specific way though, just someone that they find attractive.

Most men are looking for the same type of thing that women are looking for. They likely want to find someone that makes them feel good and that they enjoy spending time with. And, finding someone that they can trust with the deepest parts of their heart is also important for most people when they are looking for a long-term relationship.

• Which part of female body attracts the most?

While attraction tends to be very important for a man falling in love, not all men are attracted to the same thing. You can find statistics that say a woman's face, smile, teeth or eyes are things a man looks at first. But then you can also find plenty of men that will say it's their build, curves, or even shoulder blades that they' notice first. And even if men agree that they are attracted to the same body part first doesn't mean they're all wanting it to look the same way.

• How do you tell if a guy is playing you?

There are several signs you can look for if you're wondering if a guy is falling for you compared to playing you. Here are some warning signs to look for:

• He doesn’t share your relationship on social media and you aren't included in his posts.
• He hasn't dating a guy in his early 40s you to meet his family. In fact, you aren't even sure if his friends and family know about you.
• He's spending more time with his friends or others and less time with you.
• You seem to fill the needs in his sex life but he doesn't include you in much else.
• He doesn't include you in his plans for the future.
  
  
• How do you know when you love someone?

It's a great sign that you love someone when you  can't wait to see them and spend time with dating a guy in his early 40s. They consume most of your attention and even when you can see their imperfections, you're willing to stick it out with them. When you believe that your life is better because that other person is a part of it and you can't imagine doing life without them, it can be a great sign that you're in love.

• How do you feel when you're in love?

There isn't a right or wrong way to feel when you're in love. Many people feel that love makes life easier. Some feel that they become a better person when they have someone that they love. Some feel more complete when in a relationship. Love can have a way of making bad things seem not so bad and good things seem even better.

However, it's important to pay attention as love grows and deepens. Some of those initial feelings of "love" like butterflies in your stomach and struggling to think of anything but that person won't last forever. This doesn't mean that you're not in love with them anymore. It could just be that your relationship is moving to a different level.

• How do you differentiate between love and infatuation?

Love and infatuation can feel similar in the beginning of a relationship. As healthy relationships develop and grow, infatuation turns into love.  One of the undeniable signs a man is falling in love is when his future plans  include his partner and he's willing to accept his partner's imperfections and continue building the relationship.

Many people think they are falling out of love when the relationship is actually just progressing to a different level, dating a guy in his early 40s. If you're wondering if you're falling out of love or struggling to see the difference between infatuation and love in your life, you may benefit from talking with a dating relationship coach  for guidance.

• Why do guys find it hard to express their feelings?

Men don't always know how to express their feelings. It could be because he was taught to see sharing feelings as weak and doesn't want to let others see his emotional fragility, dating a guy in his early 40s. Some men feel that they need to always appear strong and tough and showing feelings, even positive ones, can cause them to feel weak. He may have had people in his life that gave him a hard time with sharing his feelings in the past.

There are also some mental health challenges that can make it difficult for people to share their emotions.

If your struggling with sharing your feelings or feel that this is missing in your relationship, talking with a relationship coach may be helpful.

• How do you make someone fall deeply in love with you?

If you think you've found Mr. Right and want to know he's falling in love with you, you may feel desperate to do anything you can to win his heart. If you want someone to fall in love with you, you can try to do things like spending time together, thinking up the perfect gift ideas, and trying to be exactly what dating a guy in his early 40s think that he wants, but that's not the best way to go about it.

Therapy Is Personal

Q: I’m in my early-40s, still single. I’ve never been married, had kids or been in a relationship.

I feel sadness and despair, grieving the love and family I’ve never had.

Is it too late to find love? Am I too old to find a partner?

I don’t know what to do.

A: Your own “clues” inform my answer:

You’re only starting early mid-life yet you’re already grieving as if there’s no chance for positive change.

And you’ve thrown up your hands, without any ideas on how to try to meet people, seek those with common interests, try something completely new for fun and expanding your circle, etc.

Yet there’s hope ahead in having so much groundwork to cover. But YOU have to get motivated to do it.

I recommend counselling with a therapist (online is common during the pandemic) who helps you see yourself still in progress.

Even small steps — like joining a virtual book club or art-study group or (you name the interest) can boost your self-confidence if you stick with it.

It means putting yourself out there, being friendly, sharing ideas.

That’s how meeting people starts. Some leads to dating, some to relationships. But nothing happens if you don’t try.

Answer — No! It’s never too late!

Q: My friend has young daughters ages eight and six, whose beloved “pets” are playful gerbils.

My friend’s been in a two-year, on-off relationship with a man who also has children.

Tired of the uncertainty, she decided to take her daughters to her parents’ cottage for the weekend, dating a guy in his early 40s, instead of relying on the uncertain possibility she’d be seeing this man.

She told him her plans and asked if he’d please look after the gerbils for the two days. He agreed.

When she returned, he said his own children had taken a liking to the gerbils. He refused to return them.

My friend’s outraged. Her children are crying. What should she do?

A: She should break up with this man, he’s mean-spirited.

His “on-off” attitude to the relationship also extends to his respect for her. He has no right to keep her children’s pets but is acting as if his entitlement to do whatever he wants comes first.

As for taking action to retrieve the gerbils, she should walk into her local police station (instead of tying up police call-lines) with a screenshot of her daughters and their gerbils and ask what they recommend that she or they do to get their pets back.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the divorced father who’s ordered his daughter to bar her stepfather from her wedding or he won’t attend, Oct. 24.

Reader: When I got engaged, my own father announced his refusal to attend my wedding if my mother would be present.

My parents divorced when I was 10, both were remarried. I told my father that I was sorry that he couldn’t.

Six months before the wedding he changed his mind and walked me down the aisle. We sat my grandparents between both couples to keep things civil.

It’s now up to this daughter to set the rules, even it means that the father decides not to contribute to the wedding.

She needs to be sensitive to everyone’s feelings on her wedding day, but she also needs to consider what she wants for her future family.

I invited everyone when we had family birthday parties for our twins. Both couples attended and were civil to each other and continue to attend all family functions.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Giving upon yourself is what makes it harder to find love and a relationship partner.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.