Term in popular psychology

For other uses, see Nice Guy (disambiguation).

"Nice guy" is an informal term, commonly used with either a literal or a sarcastic meaning, for a man (often a young adult).

In the literal sense, the term describes a man who is agreeable, gentle, compassionate, sensitive and vulnerable.^[1] The term is used both positively and negatively.^[2] When used positively, and particularly when used as a preference or description by someone else, it is intended to imply a man who puts the needs of others before his own, avoids confrontations, does favors, provides emotional support, tries to stay out of trouble, and generally acts nicely towards others.^[3] In the context of a relationship, it may also refer to traits of honesty, loyalty, romanticism, courtesy, and respect.

When used negatively, a nice guy implies a man who is unassertive or otherwise "non-masculine". The opposite of a genuine "nice guy" is commonly described as a "jerk", a term for a mean, selfish and uncaring person. A man is labeled a “jerk” on how he treats his partner, seen as the extreme case where he would not have a sensitive or kind side and is seen as a “macho man” and insensitive type.^[4]

However, the term is also often used sarcastically, particularly in the context of dating,^[1] to describe someone who believes himself to possess genuine "nice guy" characteristics, even though he actually does not, and who uses acts of friendship and basic social etiquette with the ulterior aim of progressing to a romantic or sexual relationship.^[5][6]

There is also a new construct that is where this is known as the "Nice Guy Syndrome". This is when these men who act nice, gentle, and respectful expect that they are entitled to women because they are the "nice guy." These nice deeds are performed by these "nice guys" in an attempt to please women into a relationship.

Research on female preferences[edit]

"Nice guy" construct[edit]

In their qualitative analysis, Herold and Milhausen^[7] found that women associate different qualities with the "nice guy" label: "Some women offered flattering interpretations of the 'nice guy', characterizing him as committed, caring, and respectful of women. Some women, however, emphasized more negative aspects, considering the 'nice guy' to be boring, lacking confidence, and unattractive."^[8] The "bad boys" were also divided into two categories, "as either confident, attractive, sexy, and exciting or as manipulative, unfaithful, disrespectful of women, and interested only in sex." This distinction helped further the understanding of why women might prefer "nice guys" or "not-nice guys". Women were also asked for their preferences and what values they may look in each relationship, such as attractiveness, and sexual desires in short- and long-term relationships.^{[further explanation needed][8]}

Nice guys are sometimes suggested to be overbearing or lacking in vision and ambitions; these opinions suggest self-confidence as a key point and area of improvement. Often these ideas and views of a certain nice guy can contribute to a woman's willingness to pursue a romantic relationship.^[9]

Researchers have therefore operationalized the "nice guy" and "jerk" constructs in different ways, some of which are outlined below.^[1]

Results of research[edit]

Various studies explicitly try to elucidate the success, or lack thereof, of "nice guys" with women.^{[1][7][10][11]}

Jensen-Campbell et al. () operationalized "niceness" as prosocial behavior, which included agreeableness and altruism. They found that female attraction was a result of an interaction of both dominance and prosocial tendency. They suggest that altruism may be attractive to women when it is perceived as a form of agentic behavior.

Nice guys are usually seen as twice as attractive as men who present themselves as neutral, and eight times more attractive than the "jerks" in a dating profile. Social dominance enhances female attraction to a male who has shown in the relationship niceness, traits of kindness and warmth stated by women looking for long-term relationships, and less status and physical attractiveness.^[12]

Sprecher and Regan () found kindness, warmth, expressiveness, openness, and humor as desirable traits of a long-term partner. Social status indicators, such as future earning potential (wealth), were not viewed as more desirable traits when compared to the previous traits. Participants suggested they wanted more humor, expressiveness and warmth from their partner than is expressed with their friends.^[13]

Herold and Milhausen () found that women are more likely to report wanting a nice guy but do not choose them in their real dating life. They also found that women perceived nice guys as having less sexual partners in general but perceived them as more eligible for dating. Women claim to prefer to date people who have less sexual experience. A third of the women, however, had reported dating multiple partners that had had more sexual experience than them. There was a dichotomist relationship between a woman’s perception of what a nice guy is and does and whether or not he “finishes last,” as the common adage states. If a woman believes that a nice guy is kind and respectful to women then they will say that he does not finish last. If the nice guy is perceived as being passive or unattractive then they will say that he does finish last.^[14]

Urbaniak and Killman () constructed vignettes of four hypothetical dating show contestants: "Nice Todd" vs. "Neutral Todd" vs. "Jerk Todd" vs. "Michael", who was created to be a control. "Nice Todd" described a "real man" as "in touch with his feelings," kind and attentive, non-macho, and interested in putting his partner's pleasure first. "Neutral Todd" described a "real man" as someone who "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," and who is good to the woman he loves. "Jerk Todd" described a "real man" as someone who "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," who keeps everyone else on their toes, and avoids "touch-feely" stuff. "Michael" described a "real man" as relaxed and positive. In two studies, Urbaniak and Kilmann found that women claimed to prefer "Nice Todd" over "Neutral Todd" and "Jerk Todd," relative to "Michael" even at differing levels of physical attractiveness. They also found that for purely sexual relationships, "niceness appeared relatively less influential than physical attractiveness." After acknowledging that women's preference for "niceness" could be inflated by the social desirability bias, especially due to their use of verbal scripts, they conclude that "our overall results did not favor the nice guy stereotype; instead, our results suggested that women’s attitudes (as expressed in previous studies) do, in fact, generally match their behaviors. Niceness was a robust, positive factor in women’s choices of a dating partner and in how desirable they rated Todd."^[15]

McDaniel () constructed vignettes of dates with a stereotypical "nice guy" vs. a stereotypical "fun/sexy guy," and attempted to make them both sound positive. Questionnaires were offered to a group of women in which they were presented with two scenarios, one involving the nice guy and the other involving the fun/sexy guy. The two variables being measured were the women’s likelihood of picking a nice guy versus a fun/sexy guy, and their reasons for so doing. It was found that there was a stronger correlation between a woman’s perceived positive traits in the man than in her goals for the dating relationship, both of which were measured in the questionnaire. The two traits that predicted likelihood for wanting to pursue a relationship were physical attractiveness and niceness/sweetness. However, if a man was perceived to be nice/sweet but was not found physically attractive it hurt his chances of a romantic relationship even more. In the study there was no way to directly measure the physical attractiveness of the men with whom they were presented; they only had information with which they could draw conclusions. Because they could not see the men and only had information to use, McDaniel found that this may suggest that women romanticize the idea of a nice/sweet guy, but often do not choose him because in reality he is likely to be less attractive than a so-called “jerk.”^[16]

A study at New Mexico State University in Las Cruces showed that "nice guys" report having significantly fewer sexual partners than "bad boys."^[17][18]

Barclay () found that when all other factors are held constant, guys who perform generous acts are rated as more desirable for dates and long-term relationships than non-generous guys. This study used a series of matched descriptions where each male was presented in a generous or a control version which differed only in whether the man tended to help others. The author suggests that niceness itself is desirable to women, but tends to be used by men who are less attractive in other domains, and this is what creates the appearance of "nice guys finish last."^[19]

Judge et al () concluded that "Nice guys do not necessarily finish last, but they do finish a distant second in terms of earnings yet, seen from the perspective of gender equity, even the nice guys seem to be making out quite well relative to either agreeable or disagreeable women."^[20]

Sadalla, Kenrick, and Vershure () found that women were sexually attracted to dominance in men (though dominance did not make men likable to women), and that dominance in women had no effect on men. This may further suggest that the nice guy myth is one of sexual preference, and not of dating preference. Women appear in practically all studies to be accepting of romantic relationships with nice guys but are less likely to consider them casual sexual partners.

^[21]

Bogaert and Fisher () studied the relationships between the personalities of university men and their number of sexual partners. They found a correlation between a man's number of sexual partners, and the traits of sensation-seeking, hypermasculinity, physical attractiveness, and testosterone levels. They also discovered a correlation between maximum monthly number of partners, and the traits of dominance and psychoticism. Bogaert and Fisher suggest that an underlying construct labelled "disinhibition" could be used to explain most of these differences. They suggest that disinhibition would correlate negatively with "agreeableness" and "conscientiousness" from the Big Five personality model.^[22]

Botwin, Buss and Shackelford () found that women had a higher preference for surgency and dominance in their mates than men did, in a study of dating couples and newlyweds.^[23]

Ahmetoglu and Swami () found that men were rated to be more attractive if women perceived them as more dominant, represented in the study by open body posture and gesticulation.^[24]

Other viewpoints[edit]

The "nice guys finish last" view[edit]

A common aphorism is that "nice guys finish last."^[10] The phrase is based on a quote by Brooklyn Dodgers manager Leo Durocher in , which was then condensed by journalists.^[25][26] The original quote by Durocher was, "The nice guys are all over there, in seventh place" (6 July ),^[25][27] when referring to the New York Giants, who were the Dodger's rivals. The seventh place that Durocher was referring to was actually second-to-last place in the National League; many variants appear in later works,^[28] including Durocher's autobiography, Nice Guys Finish Last.^[29] The Giants would finish the season in the National League cellar, while Durocher's Dodgers would end up in second place.^[30]

Simplistically, the term "nice guy" could be an adjectival phrase describing what appears to be a friendly, kind, or courteous man. The "nice guys finish last" phrase is also said to be coined by American biologist Garrett Hardin to sum up the selfish gene theory of life and evolution. This was disputed by Richard Dawkins, who wrote the book The Selfish Gene. Dawkins was misinterpreted by many as confirming the "nice guy finishing last" view, but refuted the claims in the BBC documentary Nice Guys Finish First.^[31]

The "nice guys finish last" view is that there is a discrepancy between women's stated preferences and their actual choices in men. In other words, women say that they want nice guys, but really go for men who are "jerks" or "bad boys" in the end. This may lead to men’s discouragement in attempting to have casual sexual relationships with women and also in their pursuit of romantic relationships. Stephan Desrochers claims, in a article in the journal Sex Roles, that many "sensitive" men, based on their own personal experience, do not believe women actually want "nice guys." Because of this belief, men are less likely to pursue a romantic relationship with a woman if they perceive themselves as nice guys. If they do not believe that women will be sexually or romantically attracted to them because of their more feminine or “nice” traits, then they will likely be concerned, possibly another trait that leads to women’s preference for jerks. In other words, men who are more confident and worry less if they are being perceived a certain way are more likely to have a romantic or casual sexual relationship with a woman of their choice.^[32]

According to McDaniel, popular culture and dating advice "suggest that women claim they want a 'nice guy' because they believe that is what is expected of them when, in reality, they want the so-called 'challenge' that comes with dating a not-so-nice guy."^[1]

Urbaniak & Kilmann write that:

"Although women often portray themselves as wanting to date kind, sensitive, and emotionally expressive men, the nice guy stereotype contends that, when actually presented with a choice between such a 'nice guy' and an unkind, insensitive, emotionally-closed, 'macho man' or 'jerk,' they invariably reject the nice guy in favor of his 'so-called' macho competitor."^[10]

Another perspective is that women do want "nice guys," at least when they are looking for a romantic relationship. Desrochers () suggests that "it still seems popular to believe that women in contemporary America prefer men who are 'sensitive,' or have feminine personality traits." In a study done by Ahmetoglu and Swami () it was found that women were more sexually attracted to men who had more dominant behaviors compared to men who were more closed off.^[33]

Herold and Milhausen^[34] found that 56% of university women claimed to agree with the statement: "You may have heard the expression, 'Nice guys finish last.' In terms of dating, and sex, do you think women are less likely to have sex with men who are 'nice' than men who are 'not nice'?" A third view is that while "nice guys" may not be as successful at attracting women sexually, they may be sought after by women looking for long-term romantic relationships (however, "nice guys need not lose all hope, with studies showing that while women like 'bad boys' for flings, they tend to settle down with more caring types." The "bad boys" tending to exhibit the dark triad, i.e., "the self-obsession of narcissism, the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behavior of the psychopath and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism." It is a possibility that women leave to escape their circumstances of abuse, disease, or pregnancy to seek a chance with the nice guy (they rejected previously), afterwards.^[35]

Herold and Milhausen claim: "While 'nice guys' may not be competitive in terms of numbers of sexual partners, they tend to be more successful with respect to longer-term, committed relationships." This is due to the ‘nice guys’ generally denote an interest in long-term relationships rather than the concept that a ‘jerk’ is only around to have sexual partners and will move on sooner for their lack of interest in long-term relationships.^[34]

Another study indicates that "for brief affairs, women tend to prefer a dominating, powerful and promiscuous man." Further evidence appears in a study in Prague: "Since women can always get a man for a one-night stand, they gain an advantage if they find partners for child-rearing."^[36]

"Nice Guy" syndrome[edit]

The terms "Nice Guy" and "nice guy syndrome" can be used sarcastically to describe a man who views himself as a prototypical "nice guy," but whose "nice deeds" are deemed to be solely motivated by a desire to court women. From said courting, the 'nice guy' may hope to form a romantic relationship or may be motivated by a simple desire to increase his sexual activity. The results of failure are often resentment toward women and/or society. The 'nice guy' is commonly said to be put by women "into the friend zone" who do not reciprocate his romantic or sexual interest. These men believe in this motive because of the societal roles that say women belong to them. A reasoning behind this can be because women are sexualized in video games, television, and movies. Third wave feminist interpretations tend to see this resentment as being based upon an assumption by men that they are entitled to sex and are therefore confused when they find that it is not forthcoming despite their supposed 'niceness.'^[37] More male orientated interpretations claim that the resentment is down to the fact that society, and the vast majority of people in spoken conversation, claim to be attracted to traits such as honesty, integrity and kindness, when in reality more superficial considerations trigger attraction. According to this interpretation people who display wealth, good looks, dominance and confidence tend to succeed more in romance than do 'nice guys.' Nice guys are therefore resentful at the inconsistency between what people claim to be attracted to and by how they act in reality.^[38][39] At times, these men are also known by the term "white knight."

In early , the web site Heartless Bitches International (HBI)^[40] published several "rants" on the concept of the Nice Guy. The central theme was that a genuinely nice male is desirable, but that many Nice Guys are insecure men unwilling to articulate their romantic or sexual feelings directly. Instead, they choose to present themselves as their paramour's friend, and hang around, doing nice things for her in hopes that she will pick up on their desire for her. If she fails to read their secret feelings, Nice Guys become embittered and blame her for taking advantage of them and their niceness. The site is particularly critical of what they see as hypocrisy and manipulation on the part of self-professed Nice Guys.^[41][42]

According to journalist Paris Martineau, the incel and red pill movements (part of the anti-feministmanosphere) recruit depressed, frustrated men – who may suffer from "Nice Guy syndrome" – into the alt-right.^[43]

See also[edit]

References[edit]

Jason Momoa and wife Lisa Bonet made headlines last week when Momoa recalled how he was a "nervous wreck" when he initially asked Bonet out on a date. Momoa was just 26 years old at the time, and approaching Bonet, who is 12 years his senior, was intimidating.

“ When you meet someone you’re completely infatuated with and then find out she’s amazing, intelligent, and funny and she’s a goddess and you’re a degenerate,” he told Men's Health. Momoa worked up the nerve and the two have been together since.

What is it about older women? It still seems more common for men to seek out younger women, but one of TODAY's most-read stories continues to be this post on why younger men fall for older women. We've celebrated the long-term relationships between actor Hugh Jackman, who is 13 years younger than wife Deborra-Lee Furness. Then there's French President Emmanuel Macron, and his wife Brigitte, who is 24 years older.

But it's not only younger famous men who understand the attraction to mature women.

In "Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance," authors Felicia Brings and Susan Winter interviewed more than men to discover the allure of the so-called "Mrs. Robinson syndrome." You'll be surprised at what men find appealing about older women.

"I'd do it again? Definitely, no question. Oh yeah, and once you've done it, you definitely look at older women in another way."—Nick, 33

We've made our position known and shared the thoughts and experiences of the women to whom we talked. Now it's time to let the men speak for themselves. One important question we asked was what they felt an older woman has to offer. Here are some answers which are clear, articulate and to the point. Their sentiments represent a very large proportion of the opinions we heard expressed.

"I met Karolina at a party given by some friends. When I saw her, I thought she was just the perfect woman for me and I was sure about that. I wasn't looking for an older woman and Karolina wasn't looking for a younger man, but it just happened. (I was 39 and she was 55 then.) Our relationship is unique, because it's not just built on sex, but on trust, respect and love. We are both morning people and nearly always in a good mood. We are both hard-working with many hobbies in common. In my opinion, age has nothing to do with our relationship. In our twenty-five years together, we have never had a serious problem and we are still very happy."—Paolo, 64

"Pat is very special. Not only is she beautiful, but she has a wonderful sense of humor and is very giving. The ability to talk about anything with her was refreshing and engaging. In fact, when I first met her, I didn't know I was attracted to an 'older' woman. I knew she was older than I, but I didn't realize the disparity in age until she told me (which didn't happen until a couple of dates into our relationship). Pat offered me space, devotion and herself, which I couldn't find in anyone else. I take better care of myself now. She is a best friend who reflects back to me what a good person I am, which builds my confidence and self-esteem. I now have a better job and feel better about myself than ever before."—Neil, 35

Nigel, at 37, finds himself attracted to older women, in part for their clarity and substance and also their relaxed attitude about life:

"I find that I'm attracted to a woman who has some degree of self-possession. I like the stimulation of a sharp intellect. I enjoy sitting down to dinner with someone who has a level of conversation I can appreciate and enjoy. I think younger women are sometimes too focused on starting families and that is rarely an issue with older women. I've always had relationships with older women. They know themselves. They have so much more to offer and they are looking for different things. They are not just looking for guys who will be good fathers and providers. Older women can be more playful. They are more relaxed. It's really a personality thing for me regarding what is attractive. I enjoy a confident attitude and older women definitely have the upper hand in that area."

Dan, age 24, also expressed a similar theme:

"When I meet a woman over 30, she's usually very clear and focused. She knows what she wants in life and it makes being with her so much easier. I look at a lot of my friends who have girlfriends their age and younger and the problems they have strike me as ridiculous. They frequently act foolish and immature. I don't have time for that behavior—that's why I like mature women."

Related

That life experience is sexy was also a repeated theme:

"Just the fact that there's so much to learn from an older woman, that they have so many more life experiences to draw upon, is an adventure to me. It's like a rush."—Vincent, 31

Some young men saw themselves reflected back in an older woman and realized the woman's own specialness:

"She was very beautiful and caring and we had similar interests. She offered me the opportunity to see another perspective on a lot of different issues. I mean, older women think differently on certain issues and they've got more experience. I grew up a lot with her. Yeah, definitely, she helped me to grow up. She made me realize how important I could be in making someone else happy. Not that I was doing it for her, but just being with her."—Art, 27

Fred, age 28, told us what qualities attracted him to older women: "The experiences in life that they've had make them more grounded and realistic."

When asked what a mature woman offered him that he couldn't find in a younger woman, Fred answered: "Emotional stability. Need I say more? There have been nothing but positives in my relationships with two older women. They were able to see things in me that I could not see in myself. Also, there were levels of honesty unlike anything I've experienced even with best friends."

Fred gave us a wealth of information over several interviews. Open, upbeat and extremely handsome, he revealed the enormous love and respect he shared with his former partner and now shares with his current partner.

Fred's first older-woman experience occurred when he was 21 years old and Gretchen was They lived together for two years. They are both still very close and see each other regularly. Not only did they have a tremendous friendship as the basis of their relationship, but an extraordinary sex life as well. Recently, this woman underwent major surgery and it was her ex-boyfriend Fred, not the woman's current older boyfriend, who was by her side. Gretchen, now 44, was involved with a man of 51 and he was simply too busy with work and personal commitments to be available when she really needed him. It was Fred who visited her on a regular basis and saw to it that she had what she needed during her recuperation.

After his relationship with Gretchen ended, Fred tried dating girls in their early 20s. He explained, often quite humorously, how ridiculous he felt trying to have meaningful conversation over blaring music at a dance club. His brief experimentation with younger females only reaped endless head games, confusion and immature behavior. Resolutely, Fred abandoned the "young woman trial period." He knew he liked older women and that was his standard. He decided this time to accept it.

His next relationship was with Marla, a co-worker. They were great friends and then she began to pursue him. Why not? he thought. She was older. Maybe it would work. But Marla's flaw seemed to be that she was only five years older — and for Fred, that still wasn't enough to produce the kind of emotional maturity and depth for which he searched.

After a year or so of taking a "time-out," Fred met Lynne. She is 10 years older. Fred's respect and appreciation of older women was clear when he spoke:

"The way mature women carry themselves shows they know who they are. It equates to stability. They've already figured out who they are. Maybe not all the time, but a lot more often than younger women. They are all-around much more attractive to me.

"Also, they are much more experienced with life. You know this is the kind of person who's going to tell you exactly what they want and they are more sure of themselves than the people my age or younger. Older women are much more well rounded — they know what they feel and why they feel it.

"It's easier to have a relationship with an older woman, because she knows how to communicate what she wants. It has a snowball effect all the way around.

"I have a preference for women starting at about 10 years older than myself and up. It's adventurous for both of us, because it's a whole new exciting journey. Younger women just don't allow me to grow in the ways older women do."

Not all older woman/younger man relationships last forever, but Fred's answer to how he handled the ending of his relationship with an older woman was especially insightful: "I went on with my life and took with me many memories and experiences that made me mentally and emotionally rich. I considered it a hell of a jump start on life."

Certainly, there are challenges for the men as well as the women in these relationships. For example, the issue of having or not having children came up repeatedly:

"My first relationship with an older woman — I was 20 and she was 36 — lasted two and a half years. My second — I was 28 and she was 41 — lasted three years and we lived together for one year. The main thing that attracted me was the overall calm of an older woman. There is a frenetic energy with a younger woman that can be very exciting and very cute, but not for my personality. Neither of my relationships was about being mothered. Both women were professionals, very focused on their work lives and extremely confident and sure of themselves. That was very attractive to me."—Lenny, 38

Ultimately, Lenny's last relationship ended when he wanted children and his partner of 43 did not.

Of course, the issue of "Will I want children later on?" has become a less significant challenge to a relationship between older women and younger men than it has been in the past. In vitro fertilization by donor eggs and other reproductive methods have greatly changed the fertility prognosis for older women. Pregnancy at ages once reserved for "miracles" is now a medical possibility.

Other challenges for the younger men occurred in the form of disapproval and criticism from friends and colleagues similar, although not as severe, to what the older women experienced.

"I got more of a reaction from men than women. The men my age and older were jealous that I was with her. They would look at me as if I had something they wanted and didn't have and, because I was younger, they reacted more strongly. And women my age disapproved of the relationship.

"Every morning, I would wake up happy and feel like I had the world on a string. I guess some of these people thought I was trying to prove something — I wasn't. Our relationship just made me feel great. She was great! I was proud of who she was and what we had together."—Barry, 26

Overall, however, it seems that such criticism is not as big an obstacle for men in these relationships as for women. In fact, some men received support and admiration from peers and co-workers.

"Friends and colleagues all admired my decision to have a relationship with a mature woman. They respected what I had with her, which was an emotional connection with an experienced, centered person. Most people's reactions have been good. There have been no negative attitudes or comments given to me that stick out in my head. Actually, many people have asked my partner and me for advice."—Patrick, 34

Related

Sex with an older woman

The men to whom we talked spoke about the advantages of being in relationships with older women in terms of the serenity and comfort, the growth opportunity and the honesty they were afforded. But more than any other advantage, they talked about the positive sexual relationships they experienced. They all commented that sex with older women was better.

"Negatives? What negatives? I cried, I laughed, I went back for more. The advantages can be summed up in two words: intense marathon."—Zach, 32

"Advantages of having sex with an older woman? Are you kidding? An older woman is more sure of herself and brings that to the relationship. She knows what she wants and how to communicate that to her partner. I like not having to worry about pregnancy and an unwanted child. I do not feel the desire to have one and the lack of anxiety over that issue is relieving. Lisa is also in her prime and we have the most intense sexual relations I have ever had."—Gary, 39

"The biggest advantage is that they know what they want so there's no guesswork. You may try to please them and they'll tell you if it isn't working. I loved it. That's a turn on. Absolutely no negatives about sex? it was the best. The best!"—Scott, 25

"Phenomenal! The sex was important — but I was really concerned about what she needed and desired. She would take over and go from there. It made things a hell of a lot easier, because we were just there to have fun. It was like breaking through a major barrier that takes other people forever to figure out. There was a 'click' sexually. It was easy and it was great!"—Russ, 29

"If I look at a girl in her 20s, I might find her attractive, but thoughts are only on sex. I can't really do anything with her. She's not formed yet. She's like a lump of cold clay—very pretty clay, but still unshaped. When I look at older women, I see real women. They feel like women. They are solid. Their bodies are solid. Their thoughts have solidified. A relationship with an older woman can be very rewarding."—Mel, 32

"I learned how to make love to a woman. She took me by the hand and said, 'Slow down.' I mean, I was 20 — and at 20 you're just so happy to actually be doing it? You never think about how."—Rick, 27

"The only reason I'm interested in young women is strictly physical — I haven't met one in the last year or two who has the maturity that I'm looking for these days. Older women have definitely changed my taste as to who I'm attracted to. With most young women, I'm bored to death. Bored to death."—Lenny, 38

"In a relationship, there is an intellectual component, a grounding component and a physical component. The physical is very important for a man? the sexual side is a big thing. It makes sense when you think about it? the greatest sex in my life has been with older partners. Even when it's early in the relationship, it's still much deeper."—Michael, 35

Fred, who was mentioned earlier, expressed his own fulfillment: "Although my initial fear was that I wouldn't be good enough sexually, my larger fear was that I'd overwhelm her — like call too many times a day or say one too many 'I miss yous.' Instead, our mutual pleasure went from one high to another."

As more Americans turn to online dating and the #MeToo movement leaves its imprint on the dating scene, nearly half of U.S. adults – and a majority of women – say that dating has become harder in the last 10 years.

Among those who are on the dating market – the 15% of American adults who are single and looking for a committed relationship or casual dates – most say they are dissatisfied with their dating lives and that it has been difficult to find people to date, according to a Pew Research Center survey conducted in October

While single-and-looking men and women report equal levels of dissatisfaction with their dating lives and the ease of finding people to date, women are more likely to say they have had some particularly negative experiences. Most women who are currently single and looking to date (65%) say they have experienced at least one of six harassing behaviors asked about in the survey from someone they were dating or had been on a date with, such as being touched in a way that made them uncomfortable or rumors being spread about their sexual history. This compares with 50% of men who are single and looking. The pattern holds when looking at all women and men, whether they are currently on the dating market or not.

Women are also more likely to see risk – both physical and emotional – when it comes to dating. When those who say dating has become harder for most people in the last 10 years are asked to describe in their own words why they think this is the case, women are twice as likely as men to cite increased risk. For their part, men are more likely than women to say technology is a reason dating has gotten harder. Overall, 47% of Americans say dating is now harder than it was 10 years ago, while 19% say it’s easier and 33% say it’s about the same.

Singles who are looking for a relationship are generally open to dating people with many different traits and from a variety of backgrounds. For example, large majorities say they would consider a relationship with someone of a different religion or different race or ethnicity than them. Most also say they would seriously date someone who makes significantly more or significantly less money than them. When it comes to being in a relationship with someone who lives far away, has a significant amount of debt, or who voted for Donald Trump, however, many of those who are looking for a relationship would hesitate.

The nationally representative survey of 4, U.S. adults was conducted online Oct. , – before the coronavirus pandemic shook the dating landscape – using Pew Research Center’s American Trends Panel.

Among the other key findings:

Most Americans say it’s harder for men to know how to behave on dates in the era of the #MeToo movement

A majority of the overall public (65%) says the increased focus on sexual harassment and assault in the last few years has made it harder for men to know how to interact with someone they’re on a date with. About a quarter (24%) say it hasn’t made much difference, and 9% say it has become easier for men to know how to behave. Fewer people think this focus on harassment and assault has made it harder for women to know how to interact with someone they’re on a date with (43%), while 38% say it hasn’t made much difference for women.

Men – especially older men – and Republicans are more likely than women and Democrats to say it’s harder for men to know how to act when dating in the era of the #MeToo movement, though majorities across the board express this view. For example, 75% of men ages 50 and older say it is now harder for men to know how to behave on dates, compared with 63% of men younger than 50, 58% of women younger than 50 and 63% of women 50 and older.

Premarital sex is largely seen as acceptable, but most view sex on a first date and open relationships as taboo

Most adults (65%) say sex between unmarried adults in a committed relationship is acceptable at least sometimes, including 43% who say this is always acceptable. Casual sex between consenting adults who are not in a committed relationship is also seen as generally acceptable (62%). About half (49%) say it is acceptable for consenting adults to exchange explicit images of themselves.

When it comes to open relationships – that is, a committed relationship where both people agree that it is acceptable to date or have sex with other people – the public is less accepting. Some 32% think this can be acceptable at least sometimes (regardless of whether they would do it themselves), while 48% say open relationships are never acceptable. Having sex on a first date is also still seen as taboo by some. While 30% say it can be acceptable under some or all circumstances, 42% say it is never acceptable.

Younger adults are more likely to see these dating norms as acceptable – sometimes dramatically so. For example, 70% of to year-olds say consenting adults exchanging explicit images of themselves can be acceptable at least sometimes, compared with just 21% of those ages 65 and older. Lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) adults also tend to be more accepting of these norms than their straight counterparts. In fact, LGB adults are the only demographic group studied in which a majority said that open relationships are always or sometimes acceptable (61% vs. 29% of straight adults).

Vast majorities say that breaking up through technology is mostly unacceptable, and few say they would ‘ghost’ someone

Despite concerns that Americans’ rising dependence on communicating through technology would lead to more impersonal breakups through devices, most agree that breaking up in person is the way to go. The vast majority of adults say that it is always or sometimes acceptable for a person to break up with a committed romantic partner in person (97%). About half (51%) say it is at least sometimes acceptable to break up over the phone – though only 10% say this is always acceptable. Far fewer say it can be acceptable to break up through a text message (14%), email (14%) or private message on a social media site (11%). In fact, most say it is never acceptable to end committed relationships through those forms of technology. The shares are strikingly similar when it comes to breaking up with someone a person is casually dating rather than in a committed relationship with.

The survey also asked those who are single and looking for a relationship or dates how they would let someone know they didn’t want to go out with them again after a first date. Only 8% say they would ghost someone (cut off communication). About half (52%) say they wouldn’t take the initiative to reach out but would let the other person know if they got in touch. The remaining share (40%) say they would contact the other person to let them know. Single-and-looking men are evenly split on whether they would proactively let the other person know if they didn’t want to go out again after the first date (47%) or wait for the other person to contact them before letting them know (47%). A majority of single-and-looking women (59%), on the other hand, would respond if the other person got in touch first, while 30% say they would proactively reach out and let the other person know.

Single people overall report that they don’t feel much pressure from society and the people they know to find a partner

Most single people (including both those on and off the dating market) say they don’t feel a lot of pressure to find a partner from their friends, family or society in general. About two-in-ten (22%) say they feel at least some pressure from friends, while 31% say the same about family members and 37% say they feel society is pressuring them.

Feeling pressure to be in a committed relationship is highly dependent on age. Younger singles feel much more pressure from each source. For example, 53% of single to year-olds say there is at least some pressure from society to find a partner, compared with 42% of to year-olds, 32% of to year-olds and 21% of those ages 65 and older. In fact, a majority of singles 65 and older – the vast majority of whom are widowed or divorced, in contrast to young singles who are mostly never married – say they feel no pressure at all from each of these sources.

Single women and men give different reasons for difficulty finding people to date

Daters who had difficulty finding people to date in the past year were asked about some of the possible reasons that might be the case. Among these daters, the most common explanations include the challenge of finding someone who is looking for the same type of relationship (53% say this is a major reason), difficulty in approaching people (46%) and trouble finding someone who meets their expectations (43%).

There are large differences by gender on this topic. Single-and-looking women are far more likely than single-and-looking men to say that trouble finding someone who was looking for the same kind of relationship or who meets their expectations are major reasons they’ve had difficulty. In turn, men are much more likely than women to say difficulty approaching people is a major reason.

Roughly one-in-ten partnered adults met their partners online, but this is far more common among some groups

A plurality of those who are married, living with a partner or in a committed romantic relationship say they first met their spouse or partner through friends or family (32%). Smaller shares say they met through work (18%) or school (17%), and still fewer met their partner online (12%).

While relatively small shares of partnered adults first met their partner online, some groups are more likely to have done so. About one-in-five partnered adults ages 18 to 29 (21%) say they met their partner online, compared with 15% or fewer among their older counterparts. And LGB adults are far more likely to have first met their partner online than straight adults (28% vs. 11%).

Overall, three-in-ten adults say they have used an online dating site or app, and a majority (57%) of those users say their experiences with online dating were positive. Most also say it was easy to find people they were physically attracted to and who shared their hobbies and interests.

Online dating isn’t the only way Americans are using the internet to help them navigate the dating scene. About four-in-ten adults (38%) say they have searched for information online about someone they were romantically interested in. This is especially common among young adults: 64% of those younger than age 30 say they have done this.

Half of single adults – and a majority of single women – are not on the dating market

Fully half of single adults say they are not currently looking for a relationship or dates. Among those who are on the dating market, about half are open to either a committed relationship or casual dates.

Single men are far more likely than single women to be looking for a relationship or dates – 61% vs. 38%. This gender gap is especially apparent among older singles.

Among singles who are not looking to date, having more important priorities right now and just enjoying the single life are among the most common reasons cited. Non-daters younger than age 50 are particularly likely to say they have more important priorities at the moment.

 

In recent years, online dating has become the premier way couples meet, now having a market share of nearly 40%, according to a study. All other ways of meeting besides bars and restaurants are in decline, as shown in the figure below:

Source: Rosenfeld, et. al. PNAS, Sept. 3,  

Due to the inherently digital nature of online dating sites and apps, they provide significant amounts of hard data about how people behave on them. This allowed researchers to learn a great deal about the dynamics of online dating.

We now know, for example, many of the factors that affect subjective perceptions of attractiveness as revealed in user ratings or “likes.” At the macro level, this has revealed that people can be penalized based on their race. At the micro level, it seems that pictures with cats reduce the like rate of heterosexuals, while those with dogs raise their like rate.

It has also been discovered that the age of the men that women rate as most attractive scales roughly linearly with their own age, while men of all ages rate women in their early 20s as most attractive. And men tend to rate female attractiveness on a curve resembling a normal distribution, with most women rated around average, with fewer at the extremes. But women rate the vast majority of men as below average in attractiveness, and only a few as above average. 

The dynamics of attraction also change over time, as a article on online dating in The Atlantic noted (the figure below, which shows how relative attractiveness changes by age, is from an academic study cited by the article, where researchers used Google’s page rank algorithm to rate the attractiveness of men and women on an undisclosed dating site in four cities). On average, users rate women as more attractive than men during their 20s, but in their early 30s, this reverses. From that point on, users rate men as more attractive than women on average.

These sites also generate significant levels of inequality, especially for men. One analyst found that “like inequality” for men on Tinder is higher than income inequality in the United States (he created the chart below). An analyst at Hinge found that women’s inequality on that site was roughly equal to the average income inequality for the world’s countries (a Gini coefficient of ), similar to Western Europe. But men’s like inequality (a Gini coefficient of ) would rate as the eighth most unequal country in the world in terms of income inequality.

Inequality may result from a process similar to globalization. Prior to globalization, economic markets in most goods and services were primarily domestic, or even local in nature. These markets each had their own champions, their own winners and losers. Globalization merged these into a single, global market. This had profound effects on winners and losers. A few of the best or cheapest competitors reaped significant gains while many former domestic champions or viable competitors lost out.

Online dating has had a similar effect. If not the actual globalization of dating, then it is at least the metropolitanization of it. Prior to online dating, men and women met each other primarily in physical spaces and through social circles in the real world: school, work, church, family, friendship circles, and neighborhoods. The markets were very fragmented. You could certainly meet someone outside of that, even intentionally, such as by looking at old-school personal ads in a newspaper, but the number of potential matches you could meet that way was very limited.

Because every school, neighborhood, church, etc. was in essence its own market, that meant they each had their own local marketplace winners. And people would often match up within that based on their relative value in the market.

But with online dating, all those old local relationships markets have been merged. Now everyone has access to a large number of singles throughout his or her area. That means in the online dating world, you are no longer just in competition with people in your social circles. You are also in competition with everyone in your city or region. It may be true that your pool of prospects is also bigger. But the dynamics of these global type markets have in practice tended to produce more extremes of winners and losers. (The extremely high levels of inequality for men in particular may also be driven by the highly-imbalanced gender ratios on these sites, with far more male than female users).

Online dating also skews very strongly towards appearance as an initial screening criterion. This is particularly true on today’s swipe apps like Tinder. Nobody has time to wade through all the singles listings in their area, and that tends to promote heavy filtering. And after setting filters like age, etc., the easiest and quickest thing to filter is looks. Apps like Bumble even severely restrict the amount of text you are allowed to put in your profile.

This benefits people who are very good looking but hurts those whose best qualities are in other areas. This is particularly the case for men, because while men do tend to find women attractive based on looks and age, women look at a much broader set of characteristics that don’t show as well in online dating apps. 

In summary, online dating has a number of characteristics that work against most people. People are penalized based on things like cats in photos that might have nothing to do with them as people. It’s not great for people who are not very good looking. The sites also generate high levels of inequality, especially for men. This puts most men at a disadvantage. But the same inequality gives the most attractive men enough options that there’s no incentive for them to commit, which also puts many women at a disadvantage, too. 

Lots of people did meet their spouse or significant other through online dating. If it’s a tool that works for you, there’s no reason not to use it. But especially for men who aren’t in the top 10 to 20% in looks, going back to the physical world and social circles of yesteryear may be a better option. Not only does this allow men to avoid the globalization effect of online dating, it also allows them to look for opportunities to let their best male attributes shine.

For example, when I wanted to ask my now wife to move from Indianapolis to New York to be with me, I invited her to attend a large event in Indiana where I was speaking. I wanted her to have the opportunity to see me stand up in front of hundreds of people and confidently and competently delivery a half-hour keynote address. 

As with so many other things about being a man, from being a musician to having a great a sense of humor and being a great conversationalist, there’s no way to convey the reality or impact of something like public speaking through an online dating profile. In the online dating world, you are going to be judged overwhelmingly by your looks. In the real world, there’s more opportunity to convey who you really are and showcase your best attributes as a man (or a woman, for that matter). In a world of low marriage rates, those looking for a lasting relationship rather than a hookup should perhaps rethink the virtues of meeting people in the offline world again.

Aaron M. Renn is the publisher of the Masculinist, a newsletter about Christianity, masculinity, and the modern world. This article was adapted from “The Truth About Online Dating,” originally published in the Masculinist.

Jason Momoa and wife Lisa Bonet made headlines last week when Momoa recalled how he was a "nervous wreck" when he initially asked Bonet out on a date. Momoa was just 26 years old at the time, and approaching Bonet, who is 12 years his senior, was intimidating.

“ When you meet someone you’re completely infatuated with and then find out she’s amazing, intelligent, and funny and she’s a goddess and you’re a degenerate,” he told Men's Health. Momoa worked up the nerve and the two have been together since.

What is it about older women? It still seems more common for men to seek out younger women, but one of TODAY's most-read stories continues to be this post on why younger men fall for older women. We've celebrated the long-term relationships between actor Hugh Jackman, who is 13 years younger than wife Deborra-Lee Furness. Then there's French President Emmanuel Macron, and his wife Brigitte, who is 24 years older.

But it's not only younger famous men who understand the attraction to mature women.

In "Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance," authors Felicia Brings and Susan Winter interviewed more than men to discover the allure of the so-called "Mrs. Robinson syndrome." You'll be surprised at what men find appealing about older women.

"I'd do it again? Definitely, no question. Oh yeah, and once you've done it, you definitely look at older women in another way."—Nick, 33

We've made our position known and shared the thoughts and experiences of the women to whom we talked. Now it's time to let the men speak for themselves. One important question we asked was what they felt an older woman has to offer. Here are some answers which are clear, articulate and to the point. Their sentiments represent a very large proportion of the opinions we heard expressed.

"I met Karolina at a party given by some friends. When I saw her, I thought she was just the perfect woman for me and I was sure about that. I wasn't looking for an older woman and Karolina wasn't looking for a younger man, but it just happened. (I was 39 and she was 55 then.) Our relationship is unique, because it's not just built on sex, but on trust, respect and love. We are both morning people and nearly always in a good mood. We are both hard-working with many hobbies in common. In my opinion, age has nothing to do with our relationship. In our twenty-five years together, we have never had a serious problem and we are still very happy."—Paolo, 64

"Pat is very special. Not only is she beautiful, but she has a wonderful sense of humor and is very giving. The ability to talk about anything with her was refreshing and engaging. In fact, when I first met her, I didn't know I was attracted to an 'older' woman. I knew she was older than I, but I didn't realize the disparity in age until she told me (which didn't happen until a couple of dates into our relationship). Pat offered me space, devotion and herself, which I couldn't find in anyone else. I take better care of myself now. She is a best friend who reflects back to me what a good person I am, which builds my confidence and self-esteem. I now have a better job and feel better about myself than ever before."—Neil, 35

Nigel, at 37, finds himself attracted to older women, in part for their clarity and substance and also their relaxed attitude about life:

"I find that I'm attracted to a woman who has some degree of self-possession. I like the stimulation of a sharp intellect. I enjoy sitting down to dinner with someone who has a level of conversation I can appreciate and enjoy. I think younger women are sometimes too focused on starting families and that is rarely an issue with older women. I've always had relationships with older women. They know themselves. They have so much more to offer and they are looking for different things. They are not just looking for guys who will be good fathers and providers. Older women can be more playful. They are more relaxed. It's really a personality thing for me regarding what is attractive. I enjoy a confident attitude and older women definitely have the upper hand in that area."

Dan, age 24, also expressed a similar theme:

"When I meet a woman over 30, she's usually very clear and focused. She knows what she wants in life and it makes being with her so much easier. I look at a lot of my friends who have girlfriends their age and younger and the problems they have strike me as ridiculous. They frequently act foolish and immature. I don't have time for that behavior—that's why I like mature women."

Related

That life experience is sexy was also a repeated theme:

"Just the fact that there's so much to learn from an older woman, that they have so many more life experiences to draw upon, is an adventure to me. It's like a rush."—Vincent, 31

Some young men saw themselves reflected back in an older woman and realized the woman's own specialness:

"She was very beautiful and caring and we had similar interests. She offered me the opportunity to see another perspective on a lot of different issues. I mean, older women think differently on certain issues and they've got more experience. I grew up a lot with her. Yeah, definitely, she helped me to grow up. She made me realize how important I could be in making someone else happy. Not that I was doing it for her, but just being with her."—Art, 27

Fred, age 28, told us what qualities attracted him to older women: "The experiences in life that they've had make them more grounded and realistic."

When asked what a mature woman offered him that he couldn't find in a younger woman, Fred answered: "Emotional stability. Need I say more? There have been nothing but positives in my relationships with two older women. They were able to see things in me that I could not see in myself. Also, there were levels of honesty unlike anything I've experienced even with best friends."

Fred gave us a wealth of information over several interviews. Open, upbeat and extremely handsome, he revealed the enormous love and respect he shared with his former partner and now shares with his current partner.

Fred's first older-woman experience occurred when he was 21 years old and Gretchen was They lived together for two years. They are both still very close and see each other regularly. Not only did they have a tremendous friendship as the basis of their relationship, but an extraordinary sex life as well. Recently, this woman underwent major surgery and it was her ex-boyfriend Fred, not the woman's current older boyfriend, who was by her side. Gretchen, now 44, was involved with a man of 51 and he was simply too busy with work and personal commitments to be available when she really needed him. It was Fred who visited her on a regular basis and saw to it that she had what she needed during her recuperation.

After his relationship with Gretchen ended, Fred tried dating girls in their early 20s. He explained, often quite humorously, how ridiculous he felt trying to have meaningful conversation over blaring music at a dance club. His brief experimentation with younger females only reaped endless head games, confusion and immature behavior. Resolutely, Fred abandoned the "young woman trial period." He knew he liked older women and that was his standard. He decided this time to accept it.

His next relationship was with Marla, a co-worker. They were great friends and then she began to pursue him. Why not? he thought. She was older. Maybe it would work. But Marla's flaw seemed to be that she was only five years older — and for Fred, that still wasn't enough to produce the kind of emotional maturity and depth for which he searched.

After a year or so of taking a "time-out," Fred met Lynne. She is 10 years older. Fred's respect and appreciation of older women was clear when he spoke:

"The way mature women carry themselves shows they know who they are. It equates to stability. They've already figured out who they are. Maybe not all the time, but a lot more often than younger women. They are all-around much more attractive to me.

"Also, they are much more experienced with life. You know this is the kind of person who's going to tell you exactly what they want and they are more sure of themselves than the people my age or younger. Older women are much more well rounded — they know what they feel and why they feel it.

"It's easier to have a relationship with an older woman, because she knows how to communicate what she wants. It has a snowball effect all the way around.

"I have a preference for women starting at about 10 years older than myself and up. It's adventurous for both of us, because it's a whole new exciting journey. Younger women just don't allow me to grow in the ways older women do."

Not all older woman/younger man relationships last forever, but Fred's answer to how he handled the ending of his relationship with an older woman was especially insightful: "I went on with my life and took with me many memories and experiences that made me mentally and emotionally rich. I considered it a hell of a jump start on life."

Certainly, there are challenges for the men as well as the women in these relationships. For example, the issue of having or not having children came up repeatedly:

"My first relationship with an older woman — I was 20 and she was 36 — lasted two and a half years. My second — I was 28 and she was 41 — lasted three years and we lived together for one year. The main thing that attracted me was the overall calm of an older woman. There is a frenetic energy with a younger woman that can be very exciting and very cute, but not for my personality. Neither of my relationships was about being mothered. Both women were professionals, very focused on their work lives and extremely confident and sure of themselves. That was very attractive to me."—Lenny, 38

Ultimately, Lenny's last relationship ended when he wanted children and his partner of 43 did not.

Of course, the issue of "Will I want children later on?" has become a less significant challenge to a relationship between older women and younger men than it has been in the past. In vitro fertilization by donor eggs and other reproductive methods have greatly changed the fertility prognosis for older women. Pregnancy at ages once reserved for "miracles" is now a medical possibility.

Other challenges for the younger men occurred in the form of disapproval and criticism from friends and colleagues similar, although not as severe, to what the older women experienced.

"I got more of a reaction from men than women. The men my age and older were jealous that I was with her. They would look at me as if I had something they wanted and didn't have and, because I was younger, they reacted more strongly. And women my age disapproved of the relationship.

"Every morning, I would wake up happy and feel like I had the world on a string. I guess some of these people thought I was trying to prove something — I wasn't. Our relationship just made me feel great. She was great! I was proud of who she was and what we had together."—Barry, 26

Overall, however, it seems that such criticism is not as big an obstacle for men in these relationships as for women. In fact, some men received support and admiration from peers and co-workers.

"Friends and colleagues all admired my decision to have a relationship with a mature woman. They respected what I had with her, which was an emotional connection with an experienced, centered person. Most people's reactions have been good. There have been no negative attitudes or comments given to me that stick out in my head. Actually, many people have asked my partner and me for advice."—Patrick, 34

Related

Sex with an older woman

The men to whom we talked spoke about the advantages of being in relationships with older women in terms of the serenity and comfort, the growth opportunity and the honesty they were afforded. But more than any other advantage, they talked about the positive sexual relationships they experienced. They all commented that sex with older women was better.

"Negatives? What negatives? I cried, I laughed, I went back for more. The advantages can be summed up in two words: intense marathon."—Zach, 32

"Advantages of having sex with an older woman? Are you kidding? An older woman is more sure of herself and brings that to the relationship. She knows what she wants and how to communicate that to her partner. I like not having to worry about pregnancy and an unwanted child. I do not feel the desire to have one and the lack of anxiety over that issue is relieving. Lisa is also in her prime and we have the most intense sexual relations I have ever had."—Gary, 39

"The biggest advantage is that they know what they want so there's no guesswork. You may try to please them and they'll tell you if it isn't working. I loved it. That's a turn on. Absolutely no negatives about sex? it was the best. The best!"—Scott, 25

"Phenomenal! The sex was important — but I was really concerned about what she needed and desired. She would take over and go from there. It made things a hell of a lot easier, because we were just there to have fun. It was like breaking through a major barrier that takes other people forever to figure out. There was a 'click' sexually. It was easy and it was great!"—Russ, 29

"If I look at a girl in her 20s, I might find her attractive, but thoughts are only on sex. I can't really do anything with her. She's not formed yet. She's like a lump of cold clay—very pretty clay, but still unshaped. When I look at older women, I see real women. They feel like women. They are solid. Their bodies are solid. Their thoughts have solidified. A relationship with an older woman can be very rewarding."—Mel, 32

"I learned how to make love to a woman. She took me by the hand and said, 'Slow down.' I mean, I was 20 — and at 20 you're just so happy to actually be doing it? You never think about how."—Rick, 27

"The only reason I'm interested in young women is strictly physical — I haven't met one in the last year or two who has the maturity that I'm looking for these days. Older women have definitely changed my taste as to who I'm attracted to. With most young women, I'm bored to death. Bored to death."—Lenny, 38

"In a relationship, there is an intellectual component, a grounding component and a physical component. The physical is very important for a man? the sexual side is a big thing. It makes sense when you think about it? the greatest sex in my life has been with older partners. Even when it's early in the relationship, it's still much deeper."—Michael, 35

Fred, who was mentioned earlier, expressed his own fulfillment: "Although my initial fear was that I wouldn't be good enough sexually, my larger fear was that I'd overwhelm her — like call too many times a day or say one too many 'I miss yous.' Instead, our mutual pleasure went from one high to another."

It might sound like the stuff cliches are made of, but age really is just a number. For most men, this is an agreeable sentiment—the older man/younger woman dynamic has been accepted as normal for generations.

Now on the come up is a similar trend with older women. Accepting that any romantic limits relying on age are groundless, mature women are venturing out to find love, companionship, and sexual satisfaction with younger men.

Likewise, younger men are looking beyond partners within their age group to find fulfillment in relationships with mature lovers. 

For anyone considering making a move towards a younger man or older crush, we’ll be examining the benefits of exploring this relationship. To make certain all the right elements are present, we’ll also look at the ways to promote healthy interactions in relationships with large age differences.

Reasons to Explore a Relationship With a Younger Man

After a certain age, it’s almost expected that a woman’s romantic and intimate needs take the back seat, never to be pursued or even acknowledged. In reality, this is anything but the truth, even for much older women.

A survey carried out by the University of Michigan found that 31% of women between the ages of 65 and 70 remained sexually active and happy with their sex lives.

While this happiness may be found with men of any age, the younger crowd appears to be gaining ground. Back in , an AARP poll found that 34% of women over 40 were dating younger men. This may be traceable to a number of reasons that are discussed below.

Increased Sexual Compatibility

One truth about age is that it comes with experience. Older women, having navigated the sexual terrains of their 20s, 30s, and 40s, usually come out knowing what they want, what works, and what should be avoided during sex.

The decision to match with a younger man can be a plus for an older woman’s sex life. While younger men are still in the phase of understanding a woman’s body, mature women can give expert guidance tailored to their exact intimate needs.

Older women may also find younger men—who are usually at the prime of their physical health—to be more energetic as sexual partners.

Better Ease With Handling Relationship Challenges

Women above a certain age are likely to have gone through the wringer—couple fights, heartbreak, divorce—all of which come with their unique learning experiences.

By choosing to be with a younger man, mature women bring their wealth of experience navigating relationship tides; happiness, and otherwise, with their less seasoned partner.

Women at this age may also find it easier to voice out any unhappiness, which they may have stomached earlier on in their romantic lives.

They Might Be More Adventurous

Another perk of dating a younger man is proximity to current trends and activities. Younger men have a stronger grip on newer, fun places to hang out, sexual innovations to attempt, or even what social media dance challenges are worth learning!

A Change in Relationship Dynamics

In past relationships, women may have been used to playing second fiddle to their older partners. This may have seen their partners act as primary providers or heads of the home.

While this isn’t a requirement in relationships between younger men and mature women relationships, the latter are more likely to be financially stable and accomplished. This gives women the opportunity to reverse traditional roles with a younger partner. 

Opens a New Dating Market

In our present society, the 20s and 30s are ages reserved for finding partners, starting families, and raising children. This leaves a drying pool for prospective relationships after the 40s and above. 

While their peers are already partnered up, mature women can find new romantic interests in younger men that have yet to make the leap.

Reasons to Consider a Relationship With An Older Woman

When it comes to partners, society has created a particularly unwelcoming environment for younger men who find older women appealing.

This attraction is often likened to an Oedipus complex, rather than a simple situation of two people finding each other compatible.

For younger men interested in exploring a relationship with older women, there are a number of reasons to do so.

It Can Be an Ego Boost

Attracting and maintaining the attention of a mature woman can serve as a thing of pride for a much younger man. 

It can be extremely flattering when an older woman with more world experience, considers a younger man’s interactions and level of intelligence intriguing enough to partner with.

A Fitting Lifestyle Arrangement

For men uninterested in having and raising children, a relationship with an older woman might be the most ideal setup.

Older women are most likely done with or are wrapping up that chapter of their lives. This leaves room to focus their attention on their younger romantic companion.

Can Learn From Their Experiences

Older women are likely to have more work and life experience than their younger counterparts. To the right man, an older partner can serve as a romantic interest, as well as a source of knowledge to learn from.

A Different Relationship Dynamic

Men are used to taking charge and performing as head of the home in relationships. This dynamic may not always fly with an older partner, as they are more self-assured and financially independent to play any role they choose in the relationship.

For younger men interested in experiencing relationships using a different lens, this can be a fitting pairing.

Fulfilling Sexual Encounters

Because older women are most likely to have fine-tuned their preferences in the bedroom—this mastery may come out on display during intimate moments with younger men.

Older women may have more to teach when it comes to sexual pleasure. This can provide oppurtunities for learning about preferences and sexual connections.

How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

When making the decision to pursue an older/younger person, the priority should be on creating the healthiest and happiest relationship possible. To create an ideal environment for your partner, the following key points should be kept in mind:

Are You In a Healthy Relationship?

A Word From Verywell

Dating at any age should be a pleasurable, intimate experience. This means not caring about what society or traditions have to say between two of-age, consenting adults. Rather than focus on the age difference with a partner, priorities should instead lie in making the relationship the safest, most accommodating space for love to thrive.

In recent years, online dating has become the premier way couples meet, now having a market share of nearly 40%, according to a study. All other ways of meeting besides bars and restaurants are in decline, as shown in the figure below:

Source: Rosenfeld, et. al. PNAS, Sept. 3,  

Due to the inherently digital nature of online dating sites and apps, they provide significant amounts of hard data about how people behave on them. This allowed researchers to learn a great deal about the dynamics of online dating.

We now know, for example, many of the factors that affect subjective perceptions of attractiveness as revealed in user ratings or “likes.” At the macro level, this has revealed that people can be penalized based on their race. At the micro level, it seems that pictures with cats reduce the like rate of heterosexuals, while those with dogs raise their like rate.

It has also been discovered that the age of the men that women rate as most attractive scales roughly linearly with their own age, while men of all ages rate women in their early 20s as most attractive. And men tend to rate female attractiveness on a curve resembling a normal distribution, with most women rated around average, with fewer at the extremes. But women rate the vast majority of men as below average in attractiveness, and only a few as above average. 

The dynamics of attraction also change over time, as a article on online dating in The Atlantic noted (the figure below, which shows how relative attractiveness changes by age, is from an academic study cited by the article, where researchers used Google’s page rank algorithm to rate the attractiveness of men and women on an undisclosed dating site in four cities). On average, users rate women as more attractive than men during their 20s, but in their early 30s, this reverses. From that point on, users rate men as more attractive than women on average.

These sites also generate significant levels of inequality, especially for men. One analyst found that “like inequality” for men on Tinder is higher than income inequality in the United States (he created the chart below). An analyst at Hinge found that women’s inequality on that site was roughly equal to the average income inequality for the world’s countries (a Gini coefficient of ), similar to Western Europe. But men’s like inequality (a Gini coefficient of ) would rate as the eighth most unequal country in the world in terms of income inequality.

Inequality may result from a process similar to globalization. Prior to globalization, economic markets in most goods and services were primarily domestic, or even local in nature. These markets each had their own champions, their own winners and losers. Globalization merged these into a single, global market. This had profound effects on winners and losers. A few of the best or cheapest competitors reaped significant gains while many former domestic champions or viable competitors lost out.

Online dating has had a similar effect. If not the actual globalization of dating, then it is at least the metropolitanization of it. Prior to online dating, men and women met each other primarily in physical spaces and through social circles in the real world: school, work, church, family, friendship circles, and neighborhoods. The markets were very fragmented. You could certainly meet someone outside of that, even intentionally, such as by looking at old-school personal ads in a newspaper, but the number of potential matches you could meet that way was very limited.

Because every school, neighborhood, church, etc. was in essence its own market, that meant they each had their own local marketplace winners. And people would often match up within that based on their relative value in the market.

But with online dating, all those old local relationships markets have been merged. Now everyone has access to a large number of singles throughout his or her area. That means in the online dating world, you are no longer just in competition with people in your social circles. You are also in competition with everyone in your city or region. It may be true that your pool of prospects is also bigger. But the dynamics of these global type markets have in practice tended to produce more extremes of winners and losers. (The extremely high levels of inequality for men in particular may also be driven by the highly-imbalanced gender ratios on these sites, with far more male than female users).

Online dating also skews very strongly towards appearance as an initial screening criterion. This is particularly true on today’s swipe apps like Tinder. Nobody has time to wade through all the singles listings in their area, and that tends to promote heavy filtering. And after setting filters like age, etc., the easiest and quickest thing to filter is looks. Apps like Bumble even severely restrict the amount of text you are allowed to put in your profile.

This benefits people who are very good looking but hurts those whose best qualities are in other areas. This is particularly the case for men, because while men do tend to find women attractive based on looks and age, women look at a much broader set of characteristics that don’t show as well in online dating apps. 

In summary, online dating has a number of characteristics that work against most people. People are penalized based on things like cats in photos that might have nothing to do with them as people. It’s not great for people who are not very good looking. The sites also generate high levels of inequality, especially for men. This puts most men at a disadvantage. But the same inequality gives the most attractive men enough options that there’s no incentive for them to commit, which also puts many women at a disadvantage, too. 

Lots of people did meet their spouse or significant other through online dating. If it’s a tool that works for you, there’s no reason not to use it. But especially for men who aren’t in the top 10 to 20% in looks, going back to the physical world and social circles of yesteryear may be a better option. Not only does this allow men to avoid the globalization effect of online dating, it also allows them to look for opportunities to let their best male attributes shine.

For example, when I wanted to ask my now wife to move from Indianapolis to New York to be with me, I invited her to attend a large event in Indiana where I was speaking. I wanted her to have the opportunity to see me stand up in front of hundreds of people and confidently and competently delivery a half-hour keynote address. 

As with so many other things about being a man, from being a musician to having a great a sense of humor and being a great conversationalist, there’s no way to convey the reality or impact of something like public speaking through an online dating profile. In the online dating world, you are going to be judged overwhelmingly by your looks. In the real world, there’s more opportunity to convey who you really are and showcase your best attributes as a man (or a woman, for that matter). In a world of low marriage rates, those looking for a lasting relationship rather than a hookup should perhaps rethink the virtues of meeting people in the offline world again.

Aaron M. Renn is the publisher of the Masculinist, a newsletter about Christianity, masculinity, and the modern world. This article was adapted from “The Truth About Online Dating,” originally published in the Masculinist.

Almost a third of adult single men live with a parent. Single men are much more likely to be unemployed, financially fragile and to lack a college degree than those with a partner. They&#;re also likely to have lower median earnings; single men earned less in than in , even adjusting for inflation. Single women, meanwhile, earn the same as they did 30 years ago, but those with partners have increased their earnings by 50%.

These are the some of the findings of a new Pew Research analysis of data on the growing gap between American adults who live with a partner and those who do not. While the study is less about the effect of marriage and more about the effect that changing economic circumstances have had on marriage, it sheds light on some unexpected outcomes of shifts in the labor market.

Over the same time period that the fortunes of single people have fallen, the study shows, the proportion of American adults who live with a significant other, be it spouse or unmarried partner, also declined substantially. In , about 71% of folks from the age of 25 to 54, which are considered the prime working years, had a partner they were married to or lived with. In , only 62% did.

Partly, this is because people are taking longer to establish that relationship. The median age of marriage is creeping up, and while now more people live together than before, that has not matched the numbers of people who are staying single. But it&#;s not just an age shift: the number of older single people is also much higher than it was in ; from a quarter of 40 to year-olds to almost a third by And among those 40 to year-olds, one in five men live with a parent.

Read More: A Woman of Color Cannot Save Your Workplace Culture

The trend has not had an equal impact across all sectors of society. The Pew study, which uses information from the American Community Survey, notes that men are now more likely to be single than women, which was not the case 30 years ago. Black people are much more likely to be single (59%) than any other race, and Black women (62%) are the most likely to be single of any sector. Asian people (29%) are the least likely to be single, followed by whites (33%) and Hispanics (38%).

Most researchers agree that the trendlines showing that fewer people are getting married and that those who do are increasingly better off financially have a lot more to do with the effect of wealth and education on marriage than vice versa. People who are financially stable are just much more likely to find and attract a partner.

More from TIME

&#;It&#;s not that marriage is making people be richer than it used to, it&#;s that marriage is becoming an increasingly elite institution, so that people are are increasingly only getting married if they already have economic advantages,&#; says Philip Cohen, a professor of sociology at the University of Maryland, College Park. &#;Marriage does not make people change their social class, it doesn&#;t make people change their race, and those things are very big predictors of economic outcomes.&#;

This reframing of the issue may explain why fewer men than women find partners, even though men are more likely to be looking for one. The economic pressures on men are stronger. Research has shown that an ability to provide financially is still a more prized asset in men than in women, although the trend is shifting. Some studies go so far as to suggest that the year decrease in the rate of coupling can be attributed largely to global trade and the year decrease in the number of stable and well-paying jobs for American men that it brought with it.

When manufacturing moved overseas, non-college educated men found it more difficult to make a living and thus more difficult to attract a partner and raise a family.

Read More: 42% of Women Say They Have Consistently Felt Burned Out at Work in

But there is also evidence that coupling up improves the economic fortunes of couples, both men and women. It&#;s not that they only have to pay one rent or buy one fridge, say some sociologists who study marriage, it&#;s that having a partner suggests having a future.

&#;There&#;s a way in which marriage makes men more responsible, and that makes them better workers,&#; says University of Virginia sociology professor W. Bradford Wilcox, pointing to a Harvard study that suggests single men are more likely than married men to leave a job before finding another. The Pew report points to a Duke University study that suggests that after marriage men work longer hours and earn more.

There&#;s also evidence that the decline in marriage is not just all about being wealthy enough to afford it. Since , women have graduated college in far higher numbers than men.

&#;The B.A. vs. non B.A. gap has grown tremendously on lots of things — in terms of income, in terms of marital status, in terms of cultural markers and tastes,&#; says Cohen. &#;It&#;s become a sharper demarcation over time and I think that&#;s part of what we see with regard to marriage. If you want to lock yourself in a room with somebody for 50 years, you might want to have the same level of education, and just have more in common with them.&#;

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Wilcox agrees: &#;You get women who are relatively liberal, having gone to college, and men who are relatively conservative, still living in a working class world, and that can create a kind of political and cultural divide that makes it harder for people to connect romantically as well.&#;

What seems to be clear is that the path to marriage increasingly runs through college. While the figures on single men&#;s declining economic fortunes are the most sobering, they are not what surprised the report&#;s authors the most. &#;It&#;s quite startling how much the partnered women have now outpaced single women,&#; says Richard Fry, a senior researcher at the Pew Research Center. &#;About 43% of partnered women have completed at least a bachelor&#;s degree compared to a third of single women.&#; He speculates that women may be going to college in greater numbers because it helps them attract a partner in the same way it helps men. &#;Not only are they rewarded in the labor market with higher earnings, but increasingly, partnership also depends on educational attainment.&#;

Contact us at letters@www.chevaliercompetences.fr

I think that sometimes we focus so much on the differences between men and women&#x;how we communicate, how our brains are wired, how we approach relationships&#x;that we often forget that when we get down to it, men and women are pretty similar. We ask many of the same questions, have many of the same anxieties, and find ourselves in many of the same situations.

Case in point: the first date. I know women often come away from first dates with more questions than answers. Will he call? Was it a bad sign that he hugged me goodbye? Do I even like him? The list, so I&#x;m told, goes on and on.

Well, ladies, I'm here to tell you, guys are doing the same thing. I might not verbalize all these questions out loud to my best buds, but in my head I'm running through a very similar list of what ifs and woulda, coulda, shouldas.

So now that the secret's out&#x;we're all wondering where we stand with our date&#x;let's look at some common questions guys are asking themselves and how you can address them&#x;and save you both from a lot of unknowns. This will hopefully give you an inside look into where your date is coming from and what questions he is hoping to have answered before that "should we hug&#x; kiss&#x; shake hands?" moment at theend of the night.

Is the Feeling Mutual?

Was she interested or not? What does &#x;I had a great time&#x; really mean? She seemed quiet; did she not enjoy the date?

When I asked men about their first date experiences, the most common response I heard was this: How do I know she&#x;s interested? Trust me, if you're wondering, he is wondering. But for the most part, you already have your answer. The simple fact of the matter is, if we asked you out, we are interested. You are awesome and worth the fear of rejection! But the funny thing is, we don&#x;t always know if the feeling is mutual. After finally working up the courage to ask you out, plan the date, pay for dinner, and so on, a guy wants to know&#x;are you or aren't you?

Don&#x;t assume the man will know your level of interest, because we won&#x;t. We typically struggle to pick up on non-verbal cues that would normally communicate interest or lack thereof (eye contact, body language, etc.) I am not saying you have to know if you would date the guy long-term after one dinner, but don&#x;t be afraid to be more direct and put your level of interest into words.

If you're feeling good about things, instead of saving your "I had a great time" for the end of the evening, choose a spontaneous moment during the date to say (if you mean it), "I just want to thank you for asking me out tonight because I am having a great time!"

Do this, and I promise the remaining portion of the date, while it might have been good before, will be great now. He knows you're enjoying yourself, so he, too, can relax and enjoy himself. 

Two Peas in a Pod

Can I actually be myself around her? I had a good time, but is she right for me? Did she really think my jokes were funny?

Despite what the stereotypes might suggest, women are not the only ones who think about the future after only a first date. Guys do it, too. We partake in the over-analytical, self-conscious post-date breakdown. We think about whether or not the two of us are compatible, if we share interests, could we work well together if this turned into a longer relationship?

This all comes back around to compatibility, and compatibility takes time. It takes a while to be yourself around someone new, to get to know the other person, to give them a genuine chance&#x;that&#x;s why I usually suggest dates as a good barometer, rather than a one-and-done date policy (although, there are always exceptions to the rule). If you're left with questions of compatibility after the first date, be patient. If your date asks you out again, accept. Give it some time to develop, and you'll likely have more answers. Hopefully, he will give you the same time for consideration.

On the other hand, I think it&#x;s important to remember: you can&#x;t force attraction, and you can&#x;t force compatibility, as much as we may want to at times. But when we step back and think about it, why would we want to force this? When you meet that special someone, you want it to be exactly that: special.

Great Expectations

How soon should I plan the second date? What are her expectations?WHAT IS SHE THINKING??

Relationships are not about either/or; they&#x;re about doing things together. So why would this be any different when it comes to dating? It&#x;s unfair for the girl when the guy doesn&#x;t take initiative, and it&#x;s unfair for the guy when the girl expects him to know what she&#x;s thinking. 

Towards the end of the date a guy would ideally say, Hey, I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight and getting to know you. Would you like to go on a second date next week? But this isn't an ideal world. Even if he's into you and wants that next date, he's probably nervous. What if she doesn't feel the same? He&#x;s probably saying to himself, "Should I ask her out now? Call later? Keep it casual?" If you want to put his mind as ease and encourage that second date ask, feel free to drop a line like this: Thanks for a great date, I would love to hear from you this week.  

I don&#x;t say this as a cop-out for the guys out there. I say this because when you hint at your expectations, it empowers both the guy and the girl to be more free in the relationship. Forgive the sports analogy, but relationships are always a team sport&#x;if I know what my teammate expects of me, I can go out on the court and step up to the challenge and do my job, but without clear expectations I might hesitate. By giving a guy the green light to call you, he may do just that, or he may really take your go-ahead a step further and set up date No. 2 before the first has even ended. 

Some of the best dates I have ever been on were when the girl straight-up told me why she was having such a good time. I was so excited that on one of those dates I couldn't wait any longer and asked her on second date halfway through dinner (risky move, but we both were enjoying ourselves and it made the rest of the first date that much more enjoyable). Either way, when you give your date the go-ahead, you're taking a lot of the pressure off and he'll be grateful.

If you're not interested in him though, let the guy down easy. Be proactive about letting him know you are not interested in a follow-up date. At the end of the evening, tell him you had a nice time and that you are grateful for the chance to get to know him a bit better, but that you don't think it's a good fit. I've had this happen before and believe me, it removes all the pressure. I know what your expectations are and can learn to respect that. Even though it's likely not the outcome we wanted, guys will appreciate you being straight with them and they won&#x;t be stuck in limbo, debating whether or not you want to go on more dates.

So the next time you go on a date and you&#x;re wondering what next, what&#x;s he thinking, or how things are going, don&#x;t worry&#x;he&#x;s probably doing the same thing. But when this happens, make these subtle shifts in your own behavior, and you'll likely see him do the same. Sounds like a win, win!

Photo Credit: Manchik Photography

You’re at a party and you see someone cute across the room. They glance at you, maybe even smile for a second, then carry on with their conversation. You feel the room shrink, your heart rate quicken, your face go red: You’re crushing on this stranger, hard. But then the sensible part of your brain tells you to forget it: That person’s way, way out of your league.

Wait a second, do most men enjoy dating, you counter: Do dating “leagues” even exist?

At this point, Elizabeth Bruch, a professor of sociology at the University of Michigan, crashes in to your thought process (and this news article). Yep, she says. Leagues do seem to exist. But you’re not alone in trying to escape yours: “Three-quarters, do most men enjoy dating, or more, of people are dating aspirationally,” she says. And according to a new study, users of online-dating sites spend most of their time trying to contact people “out of their league.”

In fact, most online-dating users tend to message people exactly 25 percent more desirable than they are.

Bruch would know. She’s spent the past few years studying how people make decisions and pursue partners on online-dating sites, using exclusive data from the dating sites themselves. “There’s so much folk wisdom about dating and courtship, and very little scientific evidence,” she told me recently. “My research comes out of realizing that with these large-scale data sets, do most men enjoy dating, we can shed light on a lot of do most men enjoy dating old dating aphorisms.”

In the new study, published Wednesday in the journal Science Advances, Bruch and her colleagues analyzed thousands of messages exchanged on a “popular, free online-dating service” between more thanstraight men and women. They looked only at four metro areas—New York, Boston, Chicago, and Seattle—and only at messages from January

Imagine for a second that you are one of the users Bruch and her colleagues studied—in fact, imagine that you are a very desirable user. Your specific desirability rank would have been generated by two figures: whether other desirable people contacted you, and whether other desirable people responded when you contacted them. If you contacted a much less desirable person, their desirability score would rise; if they contacted you and you replied, then your score would fall.

The team had to analyze both first messages and first replies, because, well, men usually make the first move. “A defining feature of heterosexual online dating is that, in the vast majority of cases, it is men who establish the first contact—more than 80 percent of first messages are from men in our data set,” the study says. But “women reply very selectively to the messages they receive from men—their average reply rate is less than 20 percent—so women’s replies … can give us significant insight about who they are interested in.”

The team combined all that data by using the PageRank algorithm, the same software that helps inform Google’s search results. It found that—insofar as dating “leagues” are not different tiers of hotness, but a single ascending hierarchy of desirability—then they do seem to exist in the data. But people do not seem universally locked into them—and they can occasionally find success escaping from theirs.

The key, Bruch said, is that “persistence pays off.”

“Reply rates [to the average message] are between zero percent and 10 percent,” she told me. Her advice: People should note those extremely low reply rates and send out more greetings.

Michael Rosenfeld, a professor of sociology at Stanford University who was not connected to this study, agreed that persistence was a good strategy. “The idea that persistence pays off makes sense to me, as the online-dating world has a wider choice set of potential mates to choose from,” he told me in an email. “The greater choice set pays dividends to people who are willing to be persistent in trying to find a mate.”

Of the study as a whole, he said: “I think its conclusions are robust and its methodologies are sound.”

Yet what also emerges from the data is a far more depressing idea of “leagues” than many joking friends would suppose. Across the four cities and the thousands of users, consistent patterns around age, race, and education level emerge. White men and Asian women are consistently more desired than other users, while black women rank anomalously lower.

Bruch said that race and gender stereotypes often get mixed up, with a race acquiring gendered connotations. “Asian is coded as female, so that’s why Asian women get so much market power and Asian men get so little,” she told me. “For black men and women, it’s the opposite.”

But “what we are seeing is overwhelmingly the effect of white preferences,” she cautioned. “This site is dating sex sites white, 70 percent white. If this was a site that was 20 percent white, online dating tips for introverts may see a totally different desirability hierarchy.”

“Other people have done research using data from online-dating sites, and found similar racial and gender hierarchies,” said Rosenfeld, the Stanford professor.

And Bruch emphasized that the hierarchy did not just depend on race, age, and education level: Because words with friends dating site is derived from user behavior, it “captures whatever traits people are responding to when they pursue partners. This will include traits like wittiness, genetic factors, or whatever else drives people to message,” she said.

Here are seven other not entirely happy takeaways from Bruch’s study:

- In the study, men’s desirability peaks at age But women’s desirability starts high at age 18 and falls throughout their lifespan.

How Age Affects Online-Dating Desirability Among Heterosexual Men and Women

“I mean, everybody knows—and as a sociologist, it’s been shown—that older women have a harder time in the dating market. But I hadn’t expected to see their do most men enjoy dating drop off from the time they’re 18 to the time they’re 65,” Bruch told me.

“But I was also surprised to see how flat men’s desirability was over the age distribution,” she said. “For men, it peaks around age 40 or Especially in New York.”

- New York is a men’s market, at least according to this particular study.

It’s not just top sex dating sites older men are considered most desirable in New York.

“New York is a special case for men,” Bruch told me. “It’s the market with the highest fraction of women. But it’s also about it being an incredibly dense market.”

- Seattle is a women’s market—and also the only place where men succeed by sending longer opening messages.

“Seattle presents the most unfavorable dating climate for men, with as many as two men for every woman in some segments,” the study says.

Across all four cities, men and women generally tended to send longer messages to people who were more desirable than them. Women, especially, deployed this strategy.

But the only place it paid off—and the only people for whom it worked with statistically significant success—were men in Seattle. The longest messages in the study were sent by Seattle men, the study says,“and only Seattle men experience a payoff to writing longer messages.”

- Women’s prospects dim not only as they age, but as they achieve the highest level of education.

A more educated man is almost always more desirable, on average: Men with postgraduate degrees outperform men with bachelor’s degrees; men with bachelor’s degrees beat high-school graduates.

“But for women, an undergraduate degree is most desirable,” the study says. “Postgraduate education is associated with decreased desirability among women.”

How Education Affects Online-Dating Desirability Among Heterosexual Men and Women

- Men did not find more success when they sent happy messages.

Across all four cities, men tended to use less positive language when messaging more desirable women, do most men enjoy dating. They may have stumbled upon this strategy through trial and error because “in all four cities, men experience slightly lower reply rates when they write more positively worded messages.”

- Almost no one messages users less desirable than they are.

Most people seem to know their position on the hierarchy because they most contact people who rank the same. “The most common behavior for both men and women is to contact members of the opposite sex who on average have roughly the same ranking as themselves,” Bruch and her colleagues write.

But the overall distribution is skewed because “a majority of both sexes tend to contact partners who are more desirable than themselves on average—and hardly any users contact partners who are significantly less desirable.”

- Your online-dating experience is not as bad as this poor woman’s in New York.

“The most popular individual in our four cities, a do most men enjoy dating woman living in New York, received messages during the period of observation,” the study says. This is “equivalent to one message every 30 min, day and night, for the entire month.” Yikes.