Dating means allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to risk disappointment and rejection. Dating with depression carries the added burden of figuring out when and how much to reveal about your condition to the person you’re dating. To tell or not to tell.  We answer this question and offer expert advice on the art of courting with chronic depression.

Only 18, Isa Zhou has lived with depression for six years. She was 12 when the symptoms first surfaced in 2012.  Her motivation for school and life tanked. “I was very emotional and had a very negative view of everything,” she says. Two years later, she was diagnosed with major depression and a year later, in 2015, with dysthymia (mild, chronic depression). “Depression made me insecure and self-conscious for the longest time,” says Isa, who lives in Northern California where she attends college.

Over the years, as medication and therapy stabilized her, her self-confidence increased.  She became more comfortable interacting with others and eventually began to think about dating. She wanted a relationship and in time she sidelined her trepidations.

At an outdoor event, she met James, 19. After dating for a couple of weeks, she casually brought up her struggle with depression. “He didn’t say anything, but I could feel that the time was not right yet,” she says.  Instead of pushing the conversation, she allowed “mutual interest to serve as the glue until trust was established.”

Then, about two months into the relationship, Isa revisited the topic. “We were already holding heart-to-heart conversations about other subjects,” she says. This time they talked “more deeply about the issue.” She told him about the medication she was taking. He asked questions about her experience of living with depression and listened attentively and calmly, she says.

Establish Trust and Go Slowly When Dating with Depression

Taking it slow and establishing trust is a wise choice says Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, core faculty member of the Spirituality Mind Body Institute at Teachers College, Columbia University (New York).  “The first date shouldn’t be a confessional,” says Tomasulo, “Take the time to ascertain if both of you are interested in going forward and see how you feel in the presence of the other person. On the second or third date, you can test the waters by bringing up the subject of your depression in a general way.

Don’t go deep. “This is not the time for nitty-gritty details,” says Tomasulo, “A simple statement that conveys the basics to your romantic partner will do.”  If depression is a part of your life, “don’t be ashamed of or feel you’d have to qualify it,” Tomasulo adds. Talk about it as you would any diabetes or another illness or condition.

And be honest.  Sure, we all want to put our best selves forward when we start dating.  While that’s understandable, when depression is a factor, “putting up a false front” or portraying yourself in a way that isn’t the real you may backfire. With depression, you’ll have OK days, good days, great days, and days when you may feel sad, irritable, or just off.

Perhaps your depression means you normally have a “more subdued or quiet emotional state,” don’t disguise the real you by pretending you’re naturally animated or gregarious. Pretending to be someone you’re not—unless you’re Meryl Streep—is exhausting and unsustainable.  Eventually, you’ll be weary of the guise and the person you’re dating may resent being misled.

How to Date with Depression

Isa Zhou and James are still going strong. Her advice echoes Tomasulo: Establish trust and then “explain to your future partner in depth what your struggle means and what you expect of him or her.” Depression affects your partner so equally important is explaining what they can expect from you. Here is other advice to keep in mind while navigating depression and new relationships:

• Don’t expect a new relationship to “fix” you.

  Don’t expect the person you bring into your life to fix you or solve your depression. They may be supportive and helpful, but you cannot rely on them to transform your mood. Stay motivated to take care of yourself so you can take care of the relationship.

• Respect your emotional peaks and valleys.

  Sometimes you can push yourself to go out; sometimes feel too depressed to go out on a date. If the latter, describe how you are feeling and offer an alternative plan that conveys your ongoing interest: “I’m wiped out tonight, but how about we go for brunch tomorrow?”

• Look outward.

  If you are out on a date and not feeling at your best, focus on showing interest, kindness, and sensitivity for the other person’s life and work. Getting out of your head by concentrating on another person can help distract you and lift your spirits.

• Use the People Active Decisions (PAD) method.

  When negotiating a new relationship or managing other changes in your life, be kind to yourself and pay attention to signs that your anxiety or depression is intensifying leading you to pull back or isolate. To get yourself back on track, Tomasulo suggests keeping PAD (an acronym for People Active Decisions) in mind. Push yourself to be around People rather than be alone; be Active rather than passive, (take a walk rather than sit on the couch) and find success by making small Decisions (like what to wear or make for dinner) quickly rather than stay indecisive. Tomasulo also suggests tapping into all the helpful resources in your life, be it family, social support from friends, or spiritual guidance.

Finally—and it’s worth repeating—eat right, sleep right, and move your body. Exercise, nutrition, and meditation are proven tools that help in the management of depression and anxiety.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, depression is “a mood disorder that can affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities such as sleeping, eating, or working.” And while you might hear the words “Wow, I’m so depressed” thrown around often, it’s important to understand what diagnoseddepression actually looks like—especially when dating someone who has it.

But before we dive into everything you should know about dating a partner with depression, it’s important to clarify that everyone’s symptoms for depression may look and feel different than what’s indicated in this article.

The suggestions below may not be helpful for every person with depression, so please contact a licensed therapist who can better help your individual needs, or visit websites like NAMI and NIMH, which offer treatment options and various resources.

What does depression look like?

Depression doesn’t necessarily look like anything. In fact, it’s better to consider the mental disorder to be more of an internal feeling than something you can see on the outside.

In general though, “depression is a state of mind and feeling that can leave you feeling alone and empty inside,” says licensed therapist Jason Phillips. “Signs and symptoms vary from person to person, but overall include low energy, poor mood, isolation, too much sleep, not enough sleep, and unhealthy eating habits.”

As you can imagine, these types of symptoms can heavily affect your relationships—especially romantic ones.

For starters, depression can cause a partner to pull back from intimacy and/or distance themselves from their partner. This may seem like the partner is suddenlyuninterested in you, when in reality, it’s just a symptom of their depression. This shows that “the person who’s depressed has emotions to work through,” says Phillips.

This could look like bailing on plans five minutes before, backing out on social engagements, encouraging their partner to attend friends’ and family members’ birthday parties without them, etc.

But even more so, depression can heavily affect a person’s sex drive since there’s a direct correlation between libido and depression, says licensed psychotherapist Markesha Miller, PhD. For this reason, your partner may have trouble finding the energy or desire to engage in anything in the bedroom.

Depression can also show up by limiting the quality time spent together, says Miller. It’s common for a depressed person to withdraw or throw themselves into work or another hobby to mask their feelings.

And last, communication between two partners may suffer because of the mental disorder. “Depression may cause one to be more irritable, sensitive, impatient, and misunderstood,” says Miller.

What can you expect when dating someone with depression?

Just so we’re clear: Many people who struggle with depression also have very healthy, happy relationships. It starts with understanding what your partner may or may not need.

“If you are dating someone with depression, it is fair to expect unique challenges as well as highs and lows,” says Miller. Everyone has off days, so a partner should be understanding of this. For example, if your partner is having a particularly low day or struggling with their depression by either staying in bed or not wanting to go out, understand “things may not always go as planned.” Be flexible and understanding.

It’s also important to check your own emotions. If your partner needs space or time to themselves, respect that boundary and give them what they need. More often than not, when your partner needs distance, it’s more about their own needs than it is about your relationship. It may be helpful for you, as a partner, to see a licensed therapist to talk through these feelings too.

Also, understand that your partner’s emotions may fluctuate easily. “Don’t fault your partner for their mood changes, depression is physiological and emotional,” says Phillips.

How can you support a partner with depression?

Just like in any relationship, it’s important to know and understand your partner. “When they have depressive episodes, find out what they need,” suggests Phillips. Do they want you to hold them? Do they want you to give them space? Do they want you to go on a walk with them? Ask questions so you can better understand how to help them through these moments.

With that said, though, don’t be afraid to dive into some research yourself. “The more that you learn about depression, the more you are able to understand what your partner is experiencing and how you can support them,” says Miller. The National Institute of Mental Health and National Alliance on Mental Illness are great resources to get started.

Don’t neglect your own self-care either. As mentioned before, make time for the things that you enjoy like working out, cooking, reading, yoga, meditating, going to therapy, etc. Making sure that you don’t take on the burden of your partner’s emotions is key.

Finally, don’t take things personally. Understand you cannot “save” or “fix” your partner. “As their partner, it is normal to want to help them find relief from the heaviness of their distress. However, you will not be able to completely eradicate their depression or make them feel better and trying will leave you both feeling drained and frustrated,” says Miller. What you can do: Always be understanding, kind, compassionate, and supportive for your person.

If you want a few suggestions of things you can do to support your partner, here are some suggestions, recommended by psychiatrist Leela R. Magavi, MD, medical director for Community Psychiatry:

• Ask your partner if they’d like to join you on a walk for some fresh air.
• Bring them food or schedule a date night where you opt to cook something together.
• Send them a playlist of your favorite songs.
• Write them a letter of all the things you love about them.
• Talk to them about what resources they have, and see if they’d ever be interested in speaking with someone professionally. (TalkSpace is a great app for this.)
• Remind your partner they are not alone in how they feel, and tell them you are there for them.

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"You were so frail that you looked like you would just float away.”

My ex-boyfriend says he fell in love with me that day, as I sat saturated in sadness reading the Buddhist recovery memoir Dharma Punx, wearing a ripped Diane Von Furstenberg dress and the label of Major Depressive Disorder. The dress had torn during a date rape when I first moved to New York, but I continued to wear it years later because I loved it. And like some perverse attraction to dating a depressed girl, men flocked to me because of it.

It’s a trope that pop culture loves to depict (The Virgin Suicides, Prozac Nation, and Girl: Interrupted, among others). But for me, a bisexual and queer woman who at the time was primarily dating cis-gendered straight men, it meant a stream of partners being attracted to, and enjoying, my inability to stand up for myself: an excuse to sleep with a “beautifully fragile” woman who would not ask for much in return.

The fact that an aura of sadness can attract partners is not uncommon. On average, men find women with some psychological vulnerability more attractive, according to a 2012 University of Texas at Austin study which looked at the connection between sexual exploitability and sexual attraction. This is not necessarily problematic, explained clinical psychologist and relationship expert Barbara Greenberg, but it can become a substantial cause for concern for those experiencing severe suffering who may be less likely to protect themselves. This can often appeal to the wrong type of men.

Most of my lovers during this time didn’t know what to do with me, and I allowed those who loved and made love to me to treat me with limited deference. I later found out this can be a typical occurrence for people who are depressed. “A lack of respect can be tolerated when a person is down,” noted Dr. Greenberg. "They may not be aware of self-protection because they are so hungry for validation wherever they can find it. We are worried about the predators who come at it from a place of bad intention—a person who probably has either a narcissistic or antisocial personality, somebody who lacks empathy.”

Indeed, one of the most twisted guys I dated during my lowest was a man whose label read “Antisocial Personality Disorder.” He wore it loudly through lies, a lack of empathy, and eventually, verbal abuse. Those with mental disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorders and Antisocial Personality Disorder are especially eager to take advantage of someone who is depressed because it’s all about their needs. Diagnosis of personality disorders is controversial (it’s a bit twisted to tell someone that their personality is a disorder), but people with limited or nonexistent empathy certainly exist, in my experience.

Essentially, my radar for picking well-meaning partners was broken because my self-esteem had gone dry. Within the span of a few months, I was sexually assaulted (again), my parents divorced, and I left a long-term cohabiting relationship. I moved to Brooklyn and simultaneously gave up alcohol in an attempt to start over. But the combination of leaving a relationship in which we shared many mutual friends, and no longer socializing in bars, dissolved many of my friendships. The isolating side effect of depression didn’t make finding new friends easier. I hadn’t yet learned nourishing coping mechanisms; so rather than focus on healing myself through therapy, creative outlets, and new friendships, I poured myself into sexual and (questionable) romantic relationships with lovers who didn’t treat me with the care that I needed. The effect was cyclical. I would feel worse when a partner put me down or used me for sex, leaving me to seek validation in other men—and during this time, they were always so easy to find.

The other type of problematic partner one encounters while living with depression is the savior. In cinematic portrayals of love and depression, the sad girl’s partner usually has good intentions. They want to rescue her. The trouble is, you can set groundwork for a relationship dynamic that is difficult to unweave later, says New York City-based sex therapist Kelly Wise. When the depressed partner begins to recover and gain autonomy, the “savior” partner may find themselves uncomfortable with the new power balance.

Still, there are partners who genuinely care. However as my friend Ashley, who suffers from Major Depressive Disorder and wished only to use her first name, explained: “After a while, they give up. One of my exes broke up with me because he said I was bringing him down and he couldn't handle my breakdowns anymore.” It took years before Ashley learned to avoid partners ill-equipped to deal with depression by being honest and upfront about her own situation.

Of course, dating with depression is very different when you’re in a long-term relationship than when you’re single. A reliable, committed partner will educate themselves about their significant other’s sickness (and yes, depression is a sickness, not a moral failing) and learn how to be supportive. Those with depression may experience it again in their lifetime, Dr. Greenberg reminded, which is why she advises being honest about your mental health history with partners.

A supportive community along with self-care during periods of depression can also help you tune into your needs, and as a result, sniff out the bad guys. With the support of friends, family, and sometimes therapy, you’re less likely to rely on unhealthy partners as a means of companionship. “You need to have your radar up, and if your radar is not operating properly then you need to operate on the radar of people who love you. Rely on the radar of your friends and rely on the radar of your therapist because yours is probably not as sharp when you’re depressed,” explained Dr. Greenberg.

Eventually, I got better and gained the self-realization and strength to untangle myself from unhealthy relationship patterns. I was able to heal through therapy, antidepressants, and the self-care of beauty routines. Perhaps most importantly, I built up friendships and community that provided love, support, and companionship without expectations of sex.

I know the demons I saw still exist, I simply now understand how to slay them. Recently, due to personal changes and the political climate, I, like many others, caught another whiff of depression. So I continue to work hard while making time for self-care, which for me, looks like splurging on a good massage followed by a night of reading, or watching Shonda Rhimes. As a single person, since many of my demons did arise from sexual assault and abuse, I now make sure to let lovers know when I need some time and space. And I’ve noticed that people with an honest interest in my well-being are very understanding when I express that need.

I acknowledge the part of myself that was once completely convinced that my existence was meaningless, however I’m also able to decide that even when living seems hard, the moments of joy make the moments of misery worth it. Believing in magic is more fun than believing in nothingness. And when it comes from a healthy place with worthy partners, having good sex and falling in love is one of the most delicious ways to revel in the joy of being.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

by Andrea Blundell

Dating someone withdepression can be a lot to navigate. What can help?

[**if you believe your partner is in immediate danger of  hurting themselves or someone else please get to the nearest hospital or call emergency services.]

Dating someone with depression is a choice

First things first. Remember that you chose this relationship.

And you are with this other person for many reasons. People who suffer depression are also the same people who can understand your emotions, or who are wildly creative, exciting, fun, and inspiring. 

Feeling a victim about this? Then there is a good chance this is your pattern, too.  That if you are honest, you often (if not always) choose a partner with depression and issues because you are issues, too, such as codependency.

So what now?

1. Accept that your partner is depressed.

Pretending the other person is okay, or telling them they will ‘snap out of it’, just means the other person feels guilty.  And guilt is like wood to a fire when it comes to depression. It means your partner will feel worse, not better.

Like it or not, your partner is depressed, and there is no telling when it will end. Depression follows nobody’s time line. (Although on a good note, it always does end, eventually). 

2. Do your research.

With the amount of information now out there about depression, there is no excuse for not understanding it.

Read our free ‘Guide to Depression” as a start. Or visit the NHS pages about clinical depression. 

And consider reading case studies of depression, not just the facts and science.

3. But don’t then analyse your partner.

Information and research is to help you be more empathetic, not to help you play shrink. 

When someone is depressed, their mind is already analysing them non stop, deeming them not worthy, sick, hopeless, or even ‘evil’ and ‘bad for others’. The last thing they need is you to give them any other diagnostic to add to the list, even if well intentioned.

4. Instead, listen.

Good listening means being fully present and focused, not assuming you know what they mean but asking, not thinking about other things or what you’ll stay next. It means reflecting back and asking good questions.

[Learn more in our article, ‘How to Listen Like a Therapist’.]

5. Remember that they are not their depression.

By: Cathy Labudak

No matter how depressed your partner gets, or what sensational things they say, they are still that person you know and love.

If it helps, see depression as a sort of virus. Would you blame someone with the flu for moaning about feeling terrible?

6. But do have boundaries.

This is not to say you should let a partner treat you badly, depression or no. Some people can regress with depression, acting like an angry child, and might even be relieved you are setting some firm boundaries around what they can and can’t say to you or can and can’t do.

It can help to write the boundaries down when dating someone with depression. This could mean sending an email, so there is no room for pretending limits weren’t set. Start the mail with positives and be calm and kind. “You are an important person I care about, I know you are going through a rough patch, but….”.

Another important boundary here is to maintain your own life. You are not a nurse, you can’t be there for someone else 24 seven.  Like the airplane mask situation, where you must put on your own mask first, you need to take care of yourself when supporting someone with depression.

7. Practise good self-care together. 

Love a good bottle of wine? That’s fine. But alcohol and party drugs are bodily depressants, which then cause mood spirals. As can things like inconsistent sleeping habits and unhealthy food.

When you are around a partner with depression it’s best to encourage healthy living and self-care until they feel better. Keep the wine binge for a night out with your friends.

8. Talk to the person you know, not the depression.

If you respond to all the things your partner says due to depression, you will rush headlong into relationship conflict.

How to know the difference?Depression-talk is made up of cognitive distortions, which is what it sounds like —  distorted reality. So it is black-and-white, dramatic, doom and gloom. It starts with qualifiers like ‘never, always’. And it’s things your partner doesn’t usually say.

• “You always think of yourself.”
• “You never understand.”
• “It’s pointless to try.”
• “This is the worse day of my life.”
• “Nobody would care if I was here or not.”

What to do when your partner starts down these roads? Don’t brush the person off, which will cause a shame spiral or leave them pushing harder for you to hear them. So do validate. But also let them know you are not buying it.

“So you feel like it’s pointless to try anymore in life, I get that, life can be tough. But I also know that this is depression talking and that you have a lot of inner resources when you are not depressed.”

 9. Don’t let the depression dictate everything.

They will tell you to leave, that they don’t want to see anyone, to just go away, that you know nothing. This is the depression talking. 

Remember who they are, and what they do like. If you know they don’t like being alone then don’t leave when they claim they want you to but stay. 

Depression is also driven by negative thinking. The more you can together move out of  marinating and dwelling, the better. Exercise, for example, is proven to help depression. Go for a walk, get into nature, or even to sit in a cafe full of people and life, whatever you know by now tends to make them more themselves.

10. Respect your partner’s privacy.

It is true that dealing with a partner’s depression can be overwhelming, particularly if you are very invested in that person’s wellbeing. And it’s not that you can’t talk in broad strokes to friends and say you are overwhelmed, or perhaps vent with one person who is in on the entire situation, like your partner’s sibling or family. 

Just remember depression comes dressed in shame. If your partner is not hiding from you but is letting you seem them in full blown depression, it is because they trust you.

Turning around and telling others everything they said or did due to depression will be seen as (and is) a breach of trust.

11. Know your own limit. 

Is this a new relationship? Are you feeling completely overwhelmed? Is the truth that you don’t want to be in this relationship but feel trapped?

You do not have to stay with someone just because they are depressed. It’s better to be honest. Tell them you are not happy in the relationship, and then help them get support (more on that in the next point). It might even be that they don’t want to be in the relationship either, or that it’s part of their depression, and that they have been afraid to say.

A research overview by the mental health charity Relate claims that people in troubled relationships are three times more likely to experience depression than those who aren’t. 

And if you are teen in a relationship? It’s possible one or both of you is only in the relationship as they think they ‘should’ be in one. But this tactic only leads to low moods.  A 2019 study from the University of Georgia actually found that students who didn’t date were less likely to be depressed!

 12. Consider support.

For your partner? Unfortunately that is up to them. You can not make someone go to therapy, and should never book an appointment for someone and trick them into going. You can tell them you think it’s a good idea, or present them with a list of local therapists with good reviews, and free helplines to call. But you have to leave it at that.

[Going to suggest your partner seek therapy? Read our article, “How to Tell a Loved One They Need Counselling”, to make sure you don’t accidentally push them away.]. 

But consider support for yourself if you feel overwhelmed, particularly if this is a pattern in your life, always choosing partners with problems. It might be you have your own issues to resolve that are being triggered by your partner’s issues. And choosing to seek support yourself and leading by example can be the best way to encourage others to do so. 

Time to seek support for your codependency and attraction to unhealthy relationships? We connect you to London’s top talk therapists. Or use our booking site to find registered psychotherapists across the UK and internet therapists you can work with from anywhere. 

Want to share your experience about dating someone with depression? Use the comment box below. Comments moderated to protect other readers. 

Andrea Blundell is the editor and lead writer of this site. With training in person centred counselling and coaching, she loves to write about relationships and trauma. She has on both sides of the depression in relationships equation. 

Dating means allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to risk disappointment and rejection. Dating with depression carries the dating a depressed woman burden of figuring out when and how much to reveal about your condition to the person you’re dating. To tell or not to tell.  We answer this question and offer expert advice on the art of courting with chronic depression.

Only 18, Isa Zhou has lived with depression for six years. She was 12 when the symptoms first surfaced in 2012.  Her motivation for school and life tanked. “I was very emotional and had a very negative view of everything,” she says. Two years later, she was diagnosed with major depression and a year later, in 2015, with dysthymia (mild, chronic depression). “Depression made me insecure and self-conscious for the longest time,” says Isa, who lives in Northern California where she attends college.

Over the years, as medication and therapy stabilized her, her self-confidence increased.  She became more comfortable interacting with others and eventually began to think about dating. She wanted a relationship and in time she sidelined her trepidations.

At an outdoor event, she met James, 19. After dating for a couple of weeks, she casually brought up her struggle with depression. “He didn’t say anything, but I could feel that the time was not right yet,” she says.  Instead of pushing the conversation, she allowed “mutual interest to serve as the glue until trust was established.”

Then, dating a depressed woman, about two months into the relationship, Isa revisited the topic. “We were already holding heart-to-heart conversations about other subjects,” she says. This time they talked “more deeply about the issue.” She told him about the medication she was taking. He asked questions about her experience of living with depression and listened attentively and calmly, she says.

Establish Trust and Go Slowly When Dating with Depression

Taking it slow and establishing trust is latest fijian dating sites wise choice says Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, core faculty member of the Spirituality Mind Body Institute at Teachers College, Columbia University (New York).  “The first date shouldn’t be a confessional,” says Tomasulo, “Take the time to ascertain if both of you are interested in going forward and see how you feel in the presence of the other person. On the second or third date, you can test the waters by bringing up the subject of your depression in a general way.

Don’t go deep. “This is not the time for nitty-gritty details,” says Tomasulo, “A simple statement that conveys the basics to your romantic partner will do.”  If depression is a part of your life, “don’t be ashamed of or feel you’d have to qualify it,” Tomasulo adds. Talk about it as you response rates for different genders on dating apps any diabetes or another illness or condition.

And be honest.  Sure, we all want to put our best selves forward when we start dating.  While that’s understandable, when depression is a dating a depressed woman, “putting up a false front” or portraying yourself in a way that isn’t the real you may backfire. With depression, you’ll have OK days, good days, great days, and days when you may feel sad, irritable, or just off.

Perhaps your depression means you normally have a “more subdued or quiet emotional state,” don’t disguise the real you by pretending you’re naturally animated or gregarious. Pretending to be someone you’re not—unless you’re Meryl Streep—is exhausting and unsustainable.  Eventually, you’ll be weary of the guise and the person you’re dating may resent being misled.

How to Date with Depression

Isa Zhou and James are still going strong, dating a depressed woman. Her advice echoes Tomasulo: Establish trust and then “explain to your future partner in depth what your struggle means and what you expect of him or her.” Depression affects your partner so equally important is explaining what they dating a depressed woman expect from you. Here is other advice to keep in mind while navigating depression and new relationships:

• Don’t expect a new relationship to “fix” you.

  Don’t expect the person you bring into your life to fix you or solve your depression. They may be supportive and helpful, but you cannot rely on them to transform your mood. Stay motivated to take care of yourself so you can take care of the relationship.

• Respect your emotional peaks and valleys.

  Sometimes you can push yourself to go out; sometimes feel too depressed to go out on a date. If the latter, dating a depressed woman how you are feeling and offer an alternative plan that conveys your ongoing interest: “I’m wiped out tonight, but how about we go for brunch tomorrow?”

• Look dating a depressed woman you are out on a date and not feeling at your best, focus on showing interest, kindness, and sensitivity for the other person’s life and work, dating a depressed woman. Getting out of your head by concentrating on another person can help distract you and lift your spirits.

• Use the People Active Decisions (PAD) method.

  When negotiating a new relationship or managing other changes in your life, be kind to yourself and pay attention to signs that your anxiety or depression is intensifying leading you to pull back or isolate. To get yourself back on track, Tomasulo suggests keeping PAD (an acronym for People Active Decisions) in mind. Push yourself to be around People rather than be alone; be Active rather than passive, (take a walk rather than sit on the couch) and find success by making small Decisions (like what to wear or make for dinner) quickly rather than stay indecisive. Tomasulo also suggests tapping into all the helpful resources in your life, be it family, social support from friends, or spiritual guidance.

Finally—and it’s worth repeating—eat right, sleep right, and move your body. Exercise, nutrition, and meditation are proven tools that help in the management of depression and anxiety.

by Andrea Blundell

Dating someone withdepression can be a lot to navigate. What can help?

[**if you believe your partner is in immediate danger of  hurting themselves or someone else please get to the nearest hospital or call emergency services.]

Dating someone with depression is a choice

First things first. Remember that you chose this relationship.

And you are with this other person for many reasons. People who suffer depression are also the same people who can understand your emotions, or who are wildly creative, exciting, fun, and inspiring. 

Feeling dating a depressed woman victim about this? Then there is a good chance this is your pattern, too.  That if you are honest, you often (if not always) choose a partner with depression and issues because you are issues, too, such as codependency.

So what now?

1, dating a depressed woman. Accept that your partner is depressed.

Pretending the other person is okay, or telling them they will ‘snap out of it’, just means the other person feels guilty.  And guilt is like wood to a fire when it comes to depression. It means your partner will feel worse, not better.

Like it or not, your partner is depressed, and there is no telling when it will dating a depressed woman. Depression follows nobody’s time line. (Although on a good note, it always does end, eventually). 

2. Do your research.

With the amount of information now out there about depression, there is no excuse for not understanding it.

Read our free ‘Guide to Depression” as a start. Or visit the NHS pages about clinical depression. 

And consider reading case studies of depression, not just the facts and science.

3, dating a depressed woman. But don’t then analyse your partner.

Information and research is to help you be more empathetic, not to help you play shrink. 

When someone is depressed, their mind is already analysing them non stop, deeming them not worthy, sick, hopeless, or even ‘evil’ and ‘bad for others&rsquo. The last thing they need is you to give them any other diagnostic to add to the list, even if well intentioned.

4. Instead, listen.

Good listening means being fully present and focused, not assuming you know what they mean but asking, not thinking about other things or what you’ll stay next. It means reflecting back and asking good questions.

[Learn more in our article, ‘How to Listen Like a Therapist&rsquo.]

5, dating a depressed woman. Remember that they are not dating a super tall woman depression.

By: Cathy Labudak

No matter how depressed your partner gets, or what sensational things they say, they are still that person you know and love.

If it helps, see depression as a sort of virus. Would you blame someone with the flu for moaning about feeling terrible?

6. But do have boundaries.

This is not to say you should let a partner treat you badly, depression or no. Some dating a depressed woman can regress with depression, acting like an angry child, and might even be relieved you are setting some firm boundaries around what they can dating a depressed woman can’t say to you or can and can’t do.

It can help to write the boundaries down when dating someone with depression. This could mean sending an email, so there is no room for pretending limits weren’t set. Start the mail with positives and how do you choose photos for online dating? calm and kind. “You are an important person I care dating a depressed woman, I know you are going through a rough patch, but&hellip.&rdquo.

Another important boundary here is to maintain your own life, dating a depressed woman. You are not a nurse, you can’t be there for someone else 24 seven.  Like the airplane mask situation, where you must put on your own mask first, you need to take care of yourself when supporting someone with depression.

7, dating a depressed woman. Practise good self-care together. 

Love a good bottle of wine? That’s fine. But alcohol and party drugs are bodily depressants, which then cause mood spirals. As can things like inconsistent sleeping habits and unhealthy food.

When you are around a partner with depression it’s best to encourage healthy living and self-care until they feel better. Keep the wine binge for a night out with your friends.

8. Talk to the person you know, not the big girls dating site.

If you respond to all the things your partner says due to depression, you will rush headlong into relationship conflict.

How to know the difference?Depression-talk is made up of cognitive distortions, which is what it sounds like —  distorted reality. So it is black-and-white, dramatic, doom and gloom. It starts dating a depressed woman qualifiers like ‘never, dating a depressed woman, always&rsquo. And it’s things your partner doesn’t usually say.

• “You always think of yourself.”
• “You never understand.”
• “It’s pointless to try.”
• “This is the worse day of my life.”
• “Nobody would care if I was here or not.”

What to do when your partner starts down these roads? Don’t brush the dating a depressed woman off, which will cause a shame spiral or leave them pushing harder for you to hear them. So do validate. But also let them know you are not buying it.

“So you feel like it’s pointless to try anymore in life, I get that, life can be tough. But I also know that this is depression talking and that you have a lot of inner resources when you are not depressed.”

 9. Tottaly free dating sites let the depression dictate everything.

They will tell you to leave, that they don’t want to see anyone, to just go away, that you know nothing. This is the depression talking. 

Remember who they are, and what they do like. If you know they don’t like being alone then don’t leave when they claim they want you to but stay. 

Depression is also driven by negative thinking. The more you can together move out of  marinating and dwelling, the better. Exercise, for example, is proven to help depression. Go for a walk, get into nature, or even to sit in dating a depressed woman cafe full of people and life, whatever you know by now tends to make them more themselves.

10. Respect your partner’s privacy.

It is true that dealing with a partner’s depression can be overwhelming, particularly if you are very invested in that person’s wellbeing. And it’s not that you can’t talk in broad strokes to friends and say you are overwhelmed, or perhaps vent with one person who is in on the entire situation, like your partner’s sibling or family. 

Just remember depression comes dressed in shame. If your partner is not hiding from you but is letting you seem them in full blown depression, it is because they trust you.

Turning around and telling others everything they said or did due to depression will be seen as (and is) a breach of trust.

11. Know your own limit. 

Is this a new relationship? Are you feeling completely overwhelmed? Is the truth that you don’t want to be in this relationship but feel trapped?

You do not have to stay with someone just because they are depressed. It’s better to be honest. Tell them you are not happy in the relationship, and then help them get support (more on that in the next point). It might even be that they don’t want to be in the relationship either, or that it’s part of their depression, and that they have been afraid to say.

A research overview by the mental health charity Relate claims that people in troubled relationships are three times more likely to experience depression than those who aren’t. 

And if you are teen in a relationship? It’s possible one or both of you is only in the relationship as dating a depressed woman think they ‘should’ be in one. But this tactic only leads to low moods.  A 2019 study from the University of Georgia actually found that students who didn’t date were less likely to be depressed!

 12. Consider support.

For your partner? Unfortunately that is up to them. You can not make someone go to therapy, and should never book an appointment for someone and trick them into going. You can tell them you think it’s a good idea, or present them with a list of local therapists with good reviews, and free helplines to call. But you have to leave it at that.

[Going to suggest your partner seek therapy? Read our article, “How to Tell a Loved One They Need Counselling”, to make sure you don’t accidentally push them away.]. 

But consider support for yourself if you feel overwhelmed, particularly if this is a pattern in your life, always choosing partners with problems. It might be you have your own issues to resolve that are being triggered by your partner’s issues. And choosing to seek support yourself and leading by example can be the best way to encourage others to do so. 

Time to seek support for your codependency and attraction to unhealthy relationships? We connect you to London’s top talk therapists. Or use our booking site to find registered psychotherapists across the UK and internet therapists you can work with from anywhere. 

Want to share your experience about dating someone with depression? Use the comment box below. Comments moderated to protect other readers. 

Andrea Blundell is the editor and lead writer of this site. With training in person centred counselling and coaching, she loves to write about relationships and trauma. She has on both sides of the dating a depressed woman in relationships equation. 

Relationships take work—and lots of it. And when you're dating someone with depression—which is a super-common and serious condition, BTW, that is estimated to affect 1 in 15 adults each year—that truth can feel especially strong.

There are certainly signs to look for if you suspect your partner might be depressed, dating a depressed woman, according to experts—and catching those hints mostly just requires you to pay attention. “The first thing to ask yourself is what kind of changes you see,” says licensed clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior, dating a depressed woman, PhD. “The hallmark is somebody really just not acting like themselves. They used to get really excited about stuff, or be interested in various hobbies. Now they’re more subdued. Or they’re starting to isolate themselves or be more irritable, or more negative.”

Of course, everybody feels down from time to time. But what can you write off as a normal funk, and when should you worry that depression may be culprit for the shifts you’re seeing? “The key question is, Is this just a bad week or has this been a pattern that's been happening for a longer period of time?" If it’s the latter, it's dating a depressed woman learn the ins and outs of how to proceed supportively when you're dating someone with depression. Plus, how to make sure you always preserve your own mental health and happiness.

4 things to know about dating someone who struggles with depression.

1. Depression affects more than just mood

In addition to emotional changes, Dr. Bonior says you may see shifts in your partner’s energy levels and eating habits—but there's no one-symptom-fits-all situation here. It might mean sleeping a lot more or having bouts of insomnia. Perhaps it's overeating and unhealthy weight gain or an equal and opposite situation of lack of appetite leading to unhealthy weight loss. Or, it might be something else entirely.

Someone who is depressed may dating a depressed woman suddenly have trouble concentrating, or feel paralyzed when faced with even seemingly minor decisions. “Just kind of getting bogged down and not being able to handle things the same way is often another sign of depression,” Dr. Bonior explains.

2. It’s important to make it clear you’re available, even if they're not yet ready to talk

Don't expect your significant other to open up to you without you first making clear—not in a pushy way—that you're available, whenever. “I think open-ended questions are important,” Dr. Bonior says. “Starting off with a statement like, ‘Hey, you haven’t seemed like yourself lately. How are you feeling? Is everything okay?’ makes it clear you’re coming from a place of care and concern.” Your partner might not want to open up, just yet, but that doesn’t mean your message is going ignored. “If they’re not ready to talk about it, which is sometimes common, then at least you’re laying the groundwork and planting the seeds [for future conversations].”

“Even though you might feel like you have a right to be judgy because it affects you too, the key is to start off from a place of concern.” —Andrea Bonior, PhD

Whatever you do, resist the urge to judge. “You might want to say something like, ‘Wow, you’re so negative lately. I can’t take this,’ but that doesn’t really give your partner any room to talk about what’s on their mind,” Dr. Bonior says. “Even though you might feel like you have a right to be judgy because it affects you too, the key is to start off from a place of concern.”

3. Know that you might have to do more than your share for a little while

It can be difficult for someone suffering from depression to rise above the fog and focus on everyday tasks. So to be an especially supportive partner, be aware that you may need to take on a little extra for the time being. “Part of [being supportive] is picking up some of the slack on the day-to-day things that might be overwhelming,” Dr. Bonior says. “This might be a period of time where you’re giving a little bit more than you get, and that’s okay.

While this certainly applies to mundane life chores like laundry and making dinner plans, it also extends to the logistics of mental-health treatment options. If your partner seems stressed out by everything involved in researching and seeking treatment, make it clear you’re happy to help in any way, like by calling therapists and doctors and looking into insurance coverage for various options.

4, dating a depressed woman. Be on the lookout for warning signs of something more serious

Depression can be deadly, which is why it’s absolutely vital to be able to recognize when it’s time to intervene—whether or not your partner seems receptive. “Even if your partner is not overtly suicidal but is expressing extreme sex dating and relationships websites, that’s a sign to be taken very seriously,” Dr. Bonior says. “If they’re expressing the idea that they’re a burden to other people, or the world would be better off without them, that’s serious.”

Surprisingly, a radical improvement in mood can also signal that it might be time to turn to the professionals. “Sometimes, a warning sign for suicide is when somebody’s been really down and then they suddenly seem to get better. That’s often when they’re at the highest risk of suicide,” Dr. Bonior says. “They might feel more at peace because they have a plan to escape, so they seem a little lighter.”

If you’re worried that your partner may be at risk of suicide, take action immediately. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), where a professional can walk you through next steps. And if there’s an acute emergency that's barring you from leaving your partner alone even for a little while, Dr. Bonior says to call 911.

In the midst of helping your loved one get the help they need, it can be easy to lose sight of what you need. Check out tips below to make sure you still prioritize yourself and self-care.

4 tips caring for a partner with depression without compromising self-care.

1. Remember, it’s not about you

The most important thing you can do for yourself and your own mental health when you're in a relationship with someone who is struggling with depression is to remember you can’t take your partner’s behavior personally. “That’s a mistake I see a lot—and it’s an understandable mistake,” Dr. Bonior says.

"Try to remember that when it comes to depression, it’s not about you, per se." —Dr, dating a depressed woman. Bonior

“When your partner’s not happy, you feel a lot of things too, dating a depressed woman, whether that’s, ‘What am I doing wrong?’ or ‘Hey, they have no right to be unhappy. I do so much for them.’ Try to remember that when it comes to depression, it’s not about you, per se, dating a depressed woman. [Those kinds of feelings] are just going to get in the way.” Not to mention, they'll make you miserable, too.

2. Make time for self-care

“It’s so easy to fall into a negative mind-set yourself when you’re with a depressed person,” Dr. Bonior says. Because of this, make sure you find time to do what you love—whatever makes you feel happy dating a depressed woman whole. Whether that's getting outside, clipping in at your favorite spin class, making sure to meal prep like a champ, or even just taking a few minutes to multi-mask and meditate, you do you—and do it proud.

And remember, you shouldn't sacrifice your social life, either. “Be sure not to get isolated to the point where your partner dating a depressed woman your only social contact,” Dr. Bonior says. “You might feel guilty for going out and having dinner with somebody when your partner is depressed at home, but you deserve some of that. The truth is, you’re not going to be a good, helpful partner if you fall into a depression yourself. You’re just as important here.”

3. Set boundaries, and make your expectations clear

The truth is, you can only do so much to help your partner, because their well-being is ultimately in their hands. This is why you should never feel guilty for setting limits on what you will and won’t put up with. “Everybody is going to have a different threshold for [where they draw the line],” Dr. Bonior says. “You have to think about what your expectations for the relationship are. You have to ask yourself, ‘What is acceptable to me in this relationship and how do I set boundaries accordingly?’”

Make it clear that you expect your partner to play an active part in their own recovery, and set deadlines both for of you to follow: for them, a deadline for taking action and seeking care, and for you, a deadline for how long you'll wait for that to happen. “The key in most situations is whether or not your partner can bring themselves to be motivated to get help,” she says. “But this is going to mean different things to different people. Some are willing to wait a lot longer than others, and part of that is going to do with the nature of your commitment.”

4. Find your own support system

Taking care of a partner with dating a depressed woman can be a lonely experience. So in addition to maintaining friendships outside your relationship, Dr. Bonior recommends turning to support groups for people whose loved ones dating a depressed woman struggling with mental illness. “Depression, unfortunately, is so common that you are definitely not alone,” she says. “Think about connecting with others whose partners are going through this.”

If you’re looking for a community, options like the National Alliance on Mental Illness Family Support Group abound. You can find a chapter near you here, or, if there isn’t one available, consider starting your own. Knowing you’ve got a community that has your back can give you the strength you need to not only take care of your partner, but yourself, too.

Female celebs are getting real about anxiety—and that's a great thing. And here are six things a psychiatrist says everyone should know about mental health.

"You were so frail that you looked like you would just float away.”

My ex-boyfriend says he fell in love with me that day, as I sat saturated in sadness reading the Buddhist recovery memoir Dharma Punx, wearing a ripped Diane Von Furstenberg dress and the label of Major Depressive Disorder. The dress had torn during a date rape when I first moved to New York, but I continued to wear it years later because I loved it. And like some perverse attraction to dating a depressed girl, men flocked to me because of it.

It’s a trope that pop culture loves to depict (The Virgin Suicides, Prozac Nation, and Girl: Interrupted, among others). But for me, a bisexual and queer woman who at the time was primarily dating cis-gendered straight men, it meant a stream of partners being attracted to, and enjoying, my inability to stand up for myself: an excuse to sleep with a “beautifully fragile” woman who would not ask for much in return.

The fact that an aura of sadness can attract partners is not uncommon. On average, men find women with some psychological vulnerability more attractive, according to a 2012 University of Texas at Austin study which looked at the connection between sexual exploitability and sexual attraction, dating a depressed woman. This is not necessarily problematic, explained clinical psychologist and relationship expert Barbara Greenberg, dating a depressed woman, but it can become a substantial cause for concern for those experiencing severe suffering who may be less likely to protect themselves. This can often appeal to the wrong type of men.

Most of my lovers during this time didn’t know what to do with me, and I dating a depressed woman those who loved and made love to me to treat me with limited deference. I later found out this can be dating a depressed woman typical occurrence for people who are depressed. “A lack of respect can be tolerated when a person is down,” noted Dr. Greenberg. "They may not be aware of self-protection because they are so hungry for validation wherever they can find it. We are worried about the predators who come at it from a place of bad intention—a person who probably has either a narcissistic or antisocial personality, somebody who lacks empathy.”

Indeed, one of the most twisted guys I dated during my lowest was a man whose label read “Antisocial Personality Disorder.” He wore it loudly through lies, a lack of empathy, and eventually, verbal abuse. Those with mental disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorders and Antisocial Personality Disorder are especially eager to take advantage of someone who is depressed because it’s all about their needs. Diagnosis of personality disorders is controversial (it’s a bit twisted to tell someone that their personality is a disorder), but people with limited or nonexistent empathy certainly exist, in my experience.

Essentially, my radar for picking well-meaning partners was broken because my self-esteem had gone dry. Within the span of a few months, I was sexually assaulted (again), my parents divorced, and I left a long-term cohabiting relationship. I moved to Brooklyn and simultaneously gave up alcohol in an attempt to start over. But the combination of leaving a relationship in which we shared many mutual friends, and no longer socializing in bars, dissolved many of my friendships. The isolating side effect of depression didn’t make finding new friends easier. I hadn’t yet learned nourishing coping mechanisms; so rather than focus on healing myself through therapy, creative outlets, and new friendships, I poured myself into sexual and (questionable) romantic relationships with lovers who didn’t treat me with the care that I needed. The effect was cyclical. I would feel worse when a partner put me down or used me for sex, leaving me to seek validation in other men—and during this time, dating a depressed woman were always so easy to find.

The other type of problematic partner one encounters while living with depression is the savior. In cinematic portrayals of love and depression, the sad girl’s partner usually has good intentions. They want to rescue her. The trouble is, you can set groundwork for a relationship dynamic that is difficult to unweave later, says New York City-based sex therapist Kelly Wise. When the depressed partner begins to recover and gain autonomy, the “savior” partner may find themselves uncomfortable with the new power balance.

Still, there are partners who genuinely care. However as my friend Ashley, who suffers from Major Depressive Disorder and wished only to use her first name, explained: “After a while, they give up. One of my exes broke up with me because he said I was bringing him down and he couldn't handle my breakdowns anymore.” It took years before Ashley learned to avoid partners ill-equipped to deal with depression by being honest and upfront about her own situation.

Of course, dating with depression is very different when you’re in a long-term relationship than when you’re single. A reliable, committed partner will educate dating a depressed woman about their significant other’s sickness (and yes, depression is a sickness, not a moral failing) and learn how to be supportive. Those with depression may experience it again in their lifetime, Dr. Greenberg reminded, which is why she advises being honest about your mental health history with partners.

A supportive community along with self-care during periods of depression can also help you tune into your needs, and as a result, sniff out the bad guys. With the support of friends, family, and sometimes therapy, you’re less likely to rely on unhealthy partners as a means of companionship. “You need to have your radar up, and if your radar is not operating properly then you need to operate on the radar of people who love you. Rely on the radar of your friends and rely on the radar of your therapist because yours is probably not as sharp when you’re depressed,” explained Dr. Greenberg.

Eventually, I got better and gained the self-realization and strength to untangle myself from unhealthy relationship patterns. I was able to heal through therapy, antidepressants, and the self-care of beauty routines. Perhaps most importantly, I built up friendships and community that provided love, support, and companionship without expectations of sex.

I what is catfishing online dating the demons I saw still exist, I simply now understand how to slay them. Recently, due to personal changes and the political climate, I, like many others, caught another whiff of depression. So I continue to work hard while making time for self-care, which for me, looks like splurging on a good massage followed by a night of reading, or watching Shonda Rhimes. As a single person, since many of my demons did arise from sexual assault and abuse, I now make sure to let lovers know when I need some time and space. And I’ve noticed that people with an honest interest in my well-being are very understanding dating a depressed woman I express that need.

I acknowledge the part of myself that was once completely convinced that my existence was meaningless, however I’m also able to decide that even when living seems hard, the moments of joy make the moments of misery worth it. Believing in magic best time of year for online dating more fun than believing in nothingness. And when it comes from a healthy place with worthy partners, having good sex and falling in love is one of the most delicious ways to revel in the joy of being.

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